MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept. , CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham. Ml 48012

This tasty tidbit came to CREEM central with a return address of E. Renrel, W. Bloomfield, MI. Apparently Mr./Ms. Renrel either works for CBS or has flunked gym class. SEND UNDERWEAR NEXT!!

PLANT NO PORK CHOP!!

To Joe Blow, (Bellefontaine):

I feel I should respond to a letter I have read from a recent issue of this mag. I’m really quite angry! I have never seen such a fox as Robert Plant. As far as “fat,” I wouldn’t say so. He might have had a few too many beers, but I like meat. And anyway, are you so perfect?

. #1 Zep Freak

Pewaukee, W1

(Have you met Oscar Meyer?—Ed.)

OWN UP, HIPPIE WENCH!

A word to Sonya Sikka (or should I say, Sikky): I am one of those so-called Stupid New Wave fans that you mentioned in your oh-soarticulate letter inthdFeb. issue. Let me just clear you up on a few things;

1. Not all New Wave fans are stupid. I happen to be studying for my Ph.D. in Social Sciences (despite the lobotomy I was forced to undergo at age 17 when I made the rotten mistake of mixing Liquid Tylenol and No-Doz).

2. I haven’t read a single work by Harold Robbins since The Betsy, and as for Sidney Sheldon, to my mind his only REAL claim to fame is creating ABC-TVY wonderful Hart To Hart. So you lose THAT bet, sweetie. (Besides, EVERYONE knows punks read nothing but COMIC BOOKS!! Jughead RULESYEAH!!!)

3. When the world is falling apdrt and when you make the gawdawful discovery that your shrink has fled, to Waikiki, it’s time for the Ramones. Believe me, THESE guys understand pain and rejection in a way that rich old businessmen like Page and Plant NEVER could—just throw on “Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment” and you’ll see. Which brings me to

4. Led Zeppelin are four boring old farts who have made a mint out of recycling the sarqe dull riff OVER and OVER for 10 years now. (At least the Ramones make monotony FUN!!) You call THAT art?!? However, even THEY realize that New Wave is HERE TO STAY—notice the promo shot for their current LP Zoso (or is it Physical Graffiti?? No matter, one is the same as another anyway). They’re wearing SUITS, by god, almost like THE JAM!!! Not only that but Page the infamous devil worshipper has actually ADMITTED to liking THE DAMNED (which is pretty appropriate if you think about it...)!!! Now if only these New Wave influences would start showing in their, er, MUSIC...

5. Brezhnev is a Russian POOP, dear, not SOUP. You obviously haven’t been keeping up with the news lately.

6. In conclusion, let me simply say that you, Sonya dolling, are an ignorant old HIPPIE, and Fd put it down to your being Canadian except that thanks to a swell punk from Vancouver named Kevin (hiya Kev!), I know that SOME cool' Canucks DO exist. (By the way, toots, I wouldn’t try drowning the Clash in Page’s outhouse if I were you. Strummer would merely grab you by your love beads and drag you down WITH ’em. Remember—NOTHING stands the pressure of the Clash City Rockers!)

In the words of the immortal Dee Dee Ramone, spokesman for an entire generation of pinheads and geeks: “PIZZA! Great! Let’s DIG INS’”

Love and razor blades...

Reba (one of the 52 Girls)

Ann Arbor, Ml

(a suburb of Hamtramck—home of THE MUTANTS!!!)

P.S. Speaking of the Mutants, thanks for the nifty story on the Masters of Clemma Rock. I predict that Pasadena will be the FIRST genuine Teen Idol of the 80’s!

(Either Pasadena or Velveeta cheese food. We can’t make up our minds.—Ed.)

NUMATIC TUBE RESPONSE!

The Bible clearly states that the people of the earth will poison their minds and souls with senseless disco and “hard rode.” Preteens will destroy their minds with Foreigner albums, Andy Gibb posters and-Kiss fanzines. Older teens will decay the “beat” of the Grateful Dead and kill themselves to see the Who. But you humans still have a chance. From God’s chosen land, the UK, comes Gary Numan, the Messiah. Listen to his albums and witness his concerts. In the years to come, you will realize this prophecy. But hurry, WW III is on the way and only Numans will live through it.

A friend called “Five”

an empty house in Paris

Paris, France

P.S. Numan eye shadows should be at all neighborhood stores soon!

(Yeah, but are jerks electric?—Ed.)

POWER OF THE PRESTONE?

ROCK AND ROLL BROADS:

While recently being bored stiff, stuck with a _ spun bearing in my muscle car, I went through all my old copies of your rag and I figured it out:

You chumps made Blondie.

You had at least one picture in every mag for three years. You hyped her and had us homy guys jacking off on them pictures until she finally got a mediocre song good enough so we’d buy the records and voila, STAR!

Well, now that you made her, it’s time to break her, as you always do. So you need a replacement:

PAT BENATAR (Yeah!)

I mean at least Pat can Rock ’n’ Roll, none of this bullshit La-La-La crap. Her band can play their instruments, too. Neil Geraldo is a kick-ass guitarist. Listen guys, she even wears sexy-type clothes onstage (black tights and leopard-skin shirts)! And if those Big Eyes don’t get to ya staring at ya from the stage you’re a faggot. OH THEM LEGS!!!

I may be prejudiced ’cause I got to see her at Punch & Judy and I got the best spot the.second time she came to DETROIT ’cause I froze my balls' off for an hour for her to sign my 8-track. But when I cruise Gratiot and Woodward, my friends and chicks don’t ask to hear my Blondie tapes. THEY WANT TO HEAR “HEARTBREAKER” with the power-booster on FULL BLAST.

So I figured it out. If you crash-hype her, by the time her next album comes out she’ll be the Reigning Queen, so I’ll volunteer my ’69 Charger R/T for her Star's Car. She can sit on my trunk mural and spread "her legs. “Speed City Dragway” never had a nicer finish line, or should I call it the “Winners’ Circle”?

So your CREEM DREEM was only the start. Get cracking on them pictures and articles and let’s make another star ’cause after all, that’s what rock ’n’ roll is all about.

(Dear Pat, if you’re reading this: you gotta write shit like this to get it in this magazine.)

(Dear Blondie—I mean Debbie: You’re still a fox, though, and I wouldn’t kick you out of bed, either. But it’s a vicious game, and the ones with the space between their legs are the ones that survive and PATS GOT MORE!)

Brian James

Shaughnessy I \

Armada, MI (it’s North of Mt. Clemens, chumps, if ya can’t find it)

(Yeah, and the ones with the space between their ears write CREEM. —Ed.)

IGGY MEATS THE PRESS!

AWRIGHT, ya alsswipes, what’s the deal here????? I got sev’ral bonz ta pick with you. Better than noses, eh? After shelling out 18 clams (two weeks pay for Chrissakes)—this is what I get...

1) Myfirsttwoissuescomein threecopieseach. Hey—when I said I wanted, a three year subscription I meant three consecutive years (ya might have to go home and look that one upfour syllables, ya know, and while you’re at it, look up that one, too.)—not three copies a month for a year.

2) No sooner do I open the Feb. ish when I come across that garbage you printed from Sonya Whateverthefuckhemameis in B.C. Obviously that must mean Before Clash. I’m a quote New Wave fan unquote, and I never even heard of Harold Robbins. And the only Sidney Sheldon I know is my paperboy, and why anyone would read anything of his is beyond me, because he’s only seven years old, and just learned to print. His MOTHER had to make out the monthly bilk. Furthermore, even is she really succeeded in drowning all the.Clash is Page’s peepot, they’d still make better music than whatever'you want to call that shit he’s been excreting for at least ten years too many.

3) Same ish—’nother gripe. You guys get the best shot of the eternal Ig since his senior picture in the Ann Arborjdigh School yearbook (He may have called himself Jimmy Osterberg but we knew who he was)—I mean the one of him beating his meat tube, and whaddya do? Ya fuckin’ ex it out. Now I know how that snapshot should look, since I bought 200 copies of that poster from a local yokel at a Cubes party and completely wallpapered my W.C. so I could watch Iggy stroke as I lay (lie?) in rhy bathtub. So, you’re notfooling me! But why deprive everyone else????? More appropriate you name him. CREEM DREEM for life. And why the fuck can’t someone get Bob Matheu some color film????? I mean, how dumb can you guys be?????

4) And final—for now at least. The last two copies have absolutely no mention whatsoever of Handsome Dick Manitoba! How quickly they forget, eh Dick?????

Well, I’m on to ya now. I’m gonna be watching for slipups like these from now on, and if you don’t shape up, I’ll send my big brother Lurch up to B’ham to pay you a social call. He doesn’t like to see his little sister unhappy, get it?????

FORGIVE US FATHER FOR BOB SEGER,

WE KNEW NOT WHAT WE WERE DOING

Ma Bell (& the Diakones)

Preppietown, Mish

P.S. Slight typo in the Police article—I have it from a very reliable source that Bob Matheu is tepid, not intrepid. You might want to check up on that one and print a retraction.

P.P.S. Destroy All Monsters should live up to their name and jump offa Masonic or Burton Towers or something. I can see the headlines now—“Niagara Falls...”

(Actually, our highly reliable sources label Matheu as “limpid."—Ed.)

SEE YA IN HELL, BOBI

To the attention of Mr. Robert Christgau:

After reading your evaluation of Bob Dylan’s latest album, Slow Train Coming, I felt rather disturbed. The usually accurate and realistic evaluation of work done by artists in the rock field has not been represented, I feel, by the December, 1979 issue.

Take, for instance, the evaluation of the lyrics. You state that they were composed rather indifferently. If a person takes adequate time to understand the wording, an extremely different view (which would be most likely .widely divergent from yours) presents itself. Much of the lyrics are based on Biblical ideas (do you ever research the source of lyrics?—did you take the time to cross-reference the words to their meaning within-a World view which is most likely different than yours?) which can only be understood after examining the lifestyle which Bob Dylan has chosen to accept. I don’t knock other people’s rights—especially those which involve their beliefs. When someone has the guts to communicate to others that which they have acquired after long years of searching, we should be willing to accept this opening of himself to us. Many performers hide behind their work, whereas Dylan puts his stuff out front.

Similarly, as a Christian myself, I’m convinced that Rock is a great way to express one’s self. As a psychology major, I’m convinced that both Christianity and Rock can be utilized by many people for their betterment and their enjoyment. Many of the songs in Rock’s infancy had their beginnings from concern over social injustice. The Christian hasn’t been heard through everyone else’s cries, but he was there all the time. Give him a chance. People, if they truly espouse the teachings of Jesus Christ, do not, as Jeff Morgan would like to allegate, take up behavior that is implied which is a reflection of fanaticism.

The God of Love is indeed the God which Bob Dylan has chosen to follow. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... Love never fails.

If you can tell me that God, who exhibits these self-same traits is not worth following, who cares enough to help us see through the ambiguity, and to give each one of us the motivation to do more for one another isn’t worth your consideration (represented in the album as someone who was willing to die for all the mistakes we do) in terms of following him, then you have not done accurate research to merit an evaluation of the album on Lyric grounds.

Let me state here, however, for all to read, that you do utilize good taste and judgement in addressing the musicality of the album itself Dylan has not let us down in this department, and it is my feeling that he will continue to turn out first-rate work. The evaluation of B + . might be better represented by at least B+ + or a low A. And yes, I too agree that Mark Knopfler has got a lot in store for himself.

Yours truly,

Rick Areeda

Wenham, MS

(Use your right name next time, Zimmy, or we won’t print it. —Ed.)

SEND THAT RERUN TO COLLEGE!

OK, I've had it. I’m pissed off. Ya know who just called me? Ken Kondrat, sales clerk at Grinnell’s music store downtown Detroit.

Ken asked me if I’d find him a Gibson Les Paul Deluxe guitar in gold for a customer. I said, “Eh, no prdblem, Kenny.”

As I hung up the phone (the clot thickens), I noticed I was shaking all over. I started strummin’ a trashy guitar lying in the comer and I said to myself, “Shit, CREEM rag keeps sending me all these cutesy rejection slips. Alright, I can handle it. So my writing needs work. Who knows, maybe CREEM isn’t into articles about obscure Communist rock bands from San Francisco who rework The Communist Manifesto into a hard rock beat. So I pick shiock material. They even made me Swallow some downright awful articles—all that Led Zeppelin (someone around here where 1 work calls them Ted Zeppelin) and please, no more gonzo garbage—1 have to Draino my brainwaves after I read articles about that sludge. But, I survived. I’m still alive despite CREEM.

TURN TO PAGE 62

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Here it'is the eighties and you still haven’t mentioned Kenny’s band and because you won’t mention Kenny’s band, he has to keep selling guitars at GrinneB’s.

Hey c’mon, he’s the lead guitarist for the fuckin’ RERUNS. Jeeze.

So I made a few phone caUs and found the guitar and went downstairs to the sales floor to teB him. What do I hear him saying to some customer, “Oh this ’n’ that and the other is a great buy, sir.” Whatkind of buBshit are you gonna put him through? The band—the RERUNS, remember?—is fantastic.

That reminds me—the other night I went to see Mitch Ryder. Periodicafly, you say little things about Mitch, right? Mitch is going to Germany. Mitch is back. Mitch takes a shit. Mitch records the shit. Do you know what 1 discovered when I saw him that night at some dive of a bar in New Baltimore? Huh? Huh? An old, beat up, burned out fool half asleep at his mike. Shit, he doesn’t even have a PA system. I think he used amplified tuna fish cans that night.

Whatare you guys (excuse me, persons) in this business for? ...To resurrect the dead and decomposed or to shine some of your insight (argh) on the up and cumming...?

C’mon!!! (nudge, nudge) the Romantics are on th'e verge of climbing the stairway to BILLBOARDOM and instead, you guys are regurgitating and recycling the same old crap every month. I could read Rolling Stone rag if I wanted redundant, pseudo-inteUectual; circumlocutive vomit.

Hey listen, I gotta go make sure that damn guitar makes it out on the next truck leaving the warehouse. I don’t want Ken (Alias Kenny Haskell) to lose his customer or his commission. Is this goingto be the fate of a starving musician— selling guitars at some music store?

Before I go upstairs, I’B have to ask Ken to turn the speaker down. He’s blowing some old lady’s face off by piping “Mother’s Little Helper” (ya know, “what a drag it is getting old...”) by the Stones through a concert PA system. What an airhead that kid is. He should be on tour and I should be backstage interviewing the Romantics for CREEM magazine.

Do I have a complex?

Dorothy Sherman

Detroit, MI (now that 1 moved from Birmingham)

P.S. If you people at CREEM don’t like Italians, how come you let Dave DiMartino write for you?

P.P.S. I’m Irish and German and something else I-can’t print.

(l\No, just iron-poor blood. 2] Mob connections 3] Neither can we. Bye. —Ed.)

IGG VS WOOLWORTirS ROOTS?

Two years ago, I wrote CREEM, lauding Iggy for his unpretentious approach to live performances circa 1978.

’I saw him recently. AB this copy must’ve gone to his head (his pants)—the first words out of Mr. Osterberg’s mouth:

“Ya want somethin’ phony, I’D give ya something phony,.. ”

He then proceeded to do a dimestore imitation of Mick Jagger (who is, in my opinion, a dimestore imitation of himself). “You really got me”? Come on! ,

Jim—don’t compromise for these saps with cheap “rock ’n’ roD” cliches. After all, it’s idiots like them who screw you up. You know there’s nothing to them. You could be the best.

KeBy Brook 5’0”

San Francisco, CA

P.S. 1 hate Nick Kent and Johnny Angel is a sap, too.

REVEREND IKE’S REVENGE

This is the Rev. Lou Bottomy asking you aB to make any contribution you can to the First Church of the Ramones. We need your support. And if you can give enough, just look what you can win!:

$25.00—A stuffed Dee Dee!

$50.00—Two nights with Joey (if you’re a girl) $75.00—One night with Joey (doesn’t matter) Just give what you can! 1, er, we need your support!

Hey, ho, let’s go,

Honest AlRamone, a.k.a. Rev. Lou Bottomy Bronx, NY

(Do you accept empty Stroh’s cans?—Ed.)

ZEP NOT RETARDS!

WHO THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE?:

•CONTINENTAL MAN, FLINT, Ml

• RAVEN DAVE, CHICAGO, IL

• JOE BLOW, BELLEFONTAINE, OH PLEASE TELL ME WHY SO MANY ROCK

FANS FIND IT NECESSARY TO KNOCK BANDS THEY DON’T HAPPEN TO LIKE. NO ONE’S HOLDING A GUN TO THEIR HEADS FORCING THEM TO BUY ZEPPELIN ALBUMS. WHY MUST THEY INSULT THE BAND AND MILLIONS OF FANS WHO DO PREFER THE WORKS OF PAGE AND CO.?

I PERSONALLY DON’T LIKE DISCO OR NEW WAVE. BUT I DON’T GO AROUND WEARING “DISCO SUCKS” SHIRTS OR BUTTONS SAYING, “KILL THE CLASH” AND “COSTELLO IS TRASH.” IF PEOPLE WANNA LISTEN TO NEW WAVE, FINE. I’M GLAD THEY ENJOY IT. BUT DON’T GIVE ME ANY CRAP ABOUT MY FAVORITES: THE STONES, NUGENT, THE WHO, AEROSMITH AND MOST OF ALL LED ZEPPELIN.

AND THIS FINAL NOTE IS TO CONTINENTAL MAN IN PARTICULAR: CREEM PUTS PEOPLE LIKE JIMMY PAGE ON THEIR COVERS BECAUSE THEY REALIZE MORE PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT ZEPPELIN THAN THE TALKING HEADS OR JOE JACKSON. ZEPPELIN’S BEST DAYS MAY BE BEHIND THEM, WE DONT KNOW. ONLY THE 80’s WILL TELL. BUT EVEN IF THEY ARE, BONHAM, JONES, PLANT AND PAGE ARE TO BE COMMENDED FOR THEIR OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO ROCK. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE THEM IS NO REASON TO SAY THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO DO “ARENT ALL THERE.”

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT DAMMIT, DONT BUY IT. BUT DONT GIVE ME ANY SHIT IN THE MEANTIME!

MARCUSB

LOS ANGELES

[We at have our bedpans to bear—Ed.)

PILGRIM’S PROGRESS

Gentlemen:

Pursuant to your recent articles on the Clash and other English trash, it has come to my attention that these lapdog English groups come to the United States and play in front of us “Retarded,” “Luded-out,” “out-dated," “shitlapping,” “Rude,” “conditioned,” “docile,” “dirty & grimy,” “lobotomized” audiences. They have the colossal gall to put us down this way and they are sucking up our American dollars to further their ill-gotten gains. This English scum should stay in their own country and make what few pence they can from their own degenerate, lowlife, scum-sucking fans.

The Clash and other so-called top English trash could not suck the Ramones’ balls at Times Square on New Years Eve.

They should at least have the common sense to realize that they are biting the hands that feed them.

I welcome any rebuttal from any English scum.

Robert J. Moorhouse

American of English descent

Brooklyn,NY

(We didn’t realize the Ramones were offering such services! What would Mom & Dad say?— Ed.)

GRATEFUL DEAD STILL EXISTS CONTROVERSY!

A sample of the current vocabulary of a 14-yr. -old “rock” fan (i.e., .real rock, you know what I mean!) in order:

1. disco sucks, man

2. anyone who doesn’t like the Grateful Dead should be taken out and shot (honest)

3. Pink Floyd, head music!

4. pot

Now I’D take it from thS start.

First pff, these people saying disco sucks are the same assholes who were running out to the nearest non-alcoholic disco a year ago. As soon as they heard that “rock” was now the “in" thing again (my ass) they ran out and bought Shakedown Street (my ass again). Secondly, anyone who doesn’t like the Grateful Dead should be complimented on their superior intelligence and excellent taste (honest). THIRDLY, NO ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ROCK USES HEADPHONES.

Fourthly, I tried pot and I don’t Ike it.

Prudence and Studebaker

Hong Kong Garden, NJ

P.S. I want Rat Scabies on the cover (no insets please).

[Next month: Captain & Tennille in liquid paper scandat—Ed.)

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, PART 2

I just wanna say that the Clash, Iggy, B-52’s, Eno, Dead Boys, Devo and Talking Heads all eat a Big Fuck.

Oosker Bellay Foonty

Roland Heights, CA

P.S. KMET rocks Aerosmith, Van Haien, CheapTrick, Led Zeppelin, Who, UFO, Foghat, Sabbath, Sammy Hagar, etc.

[Who, on the other hand, all eat a small one. —Ed.)

CARTER’S CAMPAIGN STRATEGY MAPPED

At last! 1 nave a plan to improve the “Rock” group Kiss as we know it! Do ail of the following:

1) Drop that stupid logo.

2) Get rid of the fancy make-up and costumes.

3) Scrap all die members and replace them with the Stones.

4) Change the name to something that doesn’t make you spit when you say it, like ‘The Rolling Stones.”

Randy Pelz

Tundra Region, BC

DIMARZIO REPUES

We must take exception to the Extension Chords column of the February CREEM. It would seem not to be an untoward assumption that we are among the “several young manufacturers...able to cash in” by marketing pickups “that simply looked like the old cream coils.” If, indeed, the author had DiMarzio, Inc. in mind when he wrote the above, we would request that care be exercised when generalities as above are employed.

We do, of course, make cream-colored pickups (as well as black ones). No attempt was . ever made on our part to disguise the nature of our pickups, or improperly identify them with another company’s. We do have one pickup which delivers a close rendition, both in sound and apperance, of the “original” pickup Mr. Hester described. It was produced after considerable research, and contrary to the impression given in the article, is a successful attempt to produce the sounds as well as the apperance of the aforementioned pickup. Sincerely,

Steven Blucher

Vice President

DiMarzio Musical Instrument Pickups, Inc.

Staten Island, NY

T.8. ELIOT LIKED KISS, TOO!

I’m really getting sick of all this New Wave crap, so I wrote you guys a little poem:

POODLE ROCK IS HOT

PUNK ROCK’S NOT

KISS IS MEAN

THE CLASH IS OBSCENE

AC/DC HEAR THEM ROAR

SAYING THAT THE ROCHES ARE JUST

A BUNCH OF WHORES

OH, YES DON’T FORGET BIG TED

MAKING JOE JACKSON GIVE HIM

HEAD

ELVIS COSTELLO’S VERY PRUDE

WE’D RATHER SEE NANCY WILSON

IN THE NUDE

OH YES POODLE ROCK

WILL NEVER DIE

I’LL STAY WITH ACE FREHLEY

AND KEEP GETTING HIGH.

Yours Truly,

David Burt

Woodland Park, CO

[Extra credit for use of ‘Nancy Wilson” in this context.—Ed.)