YOUR VINYL PANTIES HAVE ARRIVED

So you thought the 70's were some kind of vast cultural wasteland, huh? Big Boys like Tom Wolfe called it the "Me Decade and you ate it up, right? Well, forget it, ex-hippie dopes! There really were lots of people looking out for your better interests, and you should be ashamed of yourselves!

Case in point: those nice people at record companies! While you were busy pissing your money away, these noble philanthropists continued an honorable tradition and pulled in some big bucks of their own. How? From the Legendary End-of the-70's-Vinyl-Scam, that's how.

Take colored vinyl. Started back when 78s were hip, faded away, came back in the 50's for kiddie singles, faded away, a few jazz labels pumped it out in the Iate50's, faded away, came back for a few obscuroDJ-promos in the rpid-60's, then never really faded away. Nazz Nazz. Dave Mason's Alone Together. Those were the hot ones 'cause they were available to the public, but there were lots more.

Remember cardboard records? Remember the ones that came on the back of cereal boxes? Bobby Sherman and Raisin Bran? Jackson 5 and Alpha-Bits? Marilyn Chambers and Club Magazine? Velva Feeley and Velvet?

And the biggest scam of all: picture discs. Promo-onlies had some class: at least they were collectable. But the biggest jokes v&re sold to the public at 15 bucks a shot. You bought 'em and brought 'em back 'cause they sounded funny: wise guys at the record stores (after pushing "picture disc display cases'' for four bucks or more) smirked and said they weren't supposed to sound good, dummy, you're supposed to look at 'em, not play 'em! If you were smart you waited 'til theyjjfeere stacked in back room boxes, victims of overhype and corporal®greed. Now Heart's Magazine picture disc is tagged for $3 in thebargapbins and still it sits.

But hey, we're not dopes at CREEM. You know that. Which is why we're offering the highly-collectable LP pictured below. Commemorating! CREEM's 10th anniversary and the start of the 80's, this solid platinum Boy Howdy! set features CREEM editors discussing vital policy decisions and singing their fave rave office smash, "Christmas Rappin'." The only one of its kind—to insure high collectability points, y'understand— and it can be yours if you're willing to pay the price! Just send us the front cover of every CREEM from the last 10 years, $6,550 and your mom and dad! It's the dawn of a new age and it can be yours! Dealers excluded!! NOW TURN THE PAGE!

Dave DiMartino

(1) & (2): Lesson for the day: bands like the Beatles and Pink Floyd will always be collectable, one reason these two slabs will be worth mucho in the nextfewyears. Extra points forSgt. Pepper's; it's one of the nicest looking pic-discs of its kind. Both commercially available in limited editions.

(3)4 (4): Second lesson: "Personalities" like Meat Loaf and Ted Nugent are about at collectable as green rubber bands, one reason these two commercially-available goodies were dismal flops. Too little too late, etc.

(5) 4 (6): Blondie's Parallel Lines and this Cars 45, commercially available in the U.S. and the U.K. respectively, cashed in on general New Wave trendiness and offered nothing new except for a hot shot of Debbie H. extending her wet, pink tongue. Ho-hum.

(7) 4 (8): Grouped together for obvious sexual reasons, these two losers share one redeeming quality: nobody's ever heard of 'em. America's Fandango (7) won a few awards for this cover shot from their second LP, and probably sold at least one to every member of the band. A matching set of black and orange boobs is offered by Britain's Food Band (8), and promptly rejected. You mean there's supposed to be music on these things too?

(9): This Fabulous Poodles 45, commercially available in Britain, likewise proved a real dog, as some say it smelled funny...

(10): The Rocky Horror Picture Show set, one of the first pic-discs available to U.S. troglodytes, offered Tim Curry's hot legs and not much more. This is what those goons should be throwing at the screen...

(11): Bobby Caldwell, he of secretive racial stock, released this commercially available Valentine 45, soon followed by a similarlyshaped "Tribute To Pops" 45 on Motown by other artists.

(12): Truly a collectable, this promo-only "Roxanne" 45 by the Police came in its own fake-leather case and looked like, uh, a police badge. Cute, huh? Worth big bucks thanks to A4M.

(13): Commercially available in the U.S., this green-vinyl Horslips 45 signifies the band's Irish stock and their record company's financial aspirations. Where's St. Patrick when the real snakes come to town?

(14): A square record from the Kinks' Misfits LP...get it? Unfortunately, you can't get it because Arista pressed up only a few for lucky industry people: if you're lucky, 50 bucks'll buy it...

(15): Now this is rare: from Cheap Trick's Japanese tour program, a flexible red plastic interview disc with all the guys and Robin too. Only bad point: it dissolves when wet.

(16): For the Beatles completist: this A4M U.K. Suzi 4 the Red Stripes single boasts a striped badge and 10 sleazy playing cards. The bad news: the voice of Linda McCartney rounds out the deal.

(17): And finally: this brown vinyl 78 is a vintage 1921 recording and it sounds it, proving once again that if you can't keep a good gimmick down you shouldn't try to eat it in the first place. How come it sounds like Bob Dylan? Ask Bob, dummies...

(Records courtesy of Bob ”Tell-everyone-they're-my-recordS-so-l'll-gettrade-offers" Alford and Detroit's Honesty In Rock Coalition, Branch 187.)