MAIL

MAIL

DEPARTMENTS

Please send letters toe

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine

P.O.BoxP-1064

Birmingham, Ml 48012

WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM

There are no moccasin factories in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. (There is a noodle factory if Chief Dan "Buddy" George wants to send the entire population of America there.)

Angus McIntosh

Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan

Kanada

P.S. If Blondie is a group, does that mean Debbie Harry is a person?

(Is that a trick question?—Ed.)

BUICK IN AUDIOLAND

Finally! A new product that induces vomiting upon audio-contact! Its name, you ask? In Through the Out Door. Yes consumers, we at the Poison Control labs have found if you should ever swallow any type of poison, you are advised to rush to your local record shop, buy this new product (some of you may be surprised that you already own this marvel of medical science), put it on your turntable (be sure to have the bucket ready), and turn it up.

Yes, thatll be all there is to it! Just a few bars, and youll be rid of that poison in no time.

Warning: The user of this product is advised to have someone ready to reduce volume and remove this record as soon as the prescribed time has elapsed, as the longer this record plays, tire longer one tends to puke. .We at the Poison Control labs lost one of our technicians when he failed to have someone at the controls and consequently puked himself to death. After listening to only one song.

Prescribed Time Limit: A few bars as needed, not recommended for children under 12 yrs of age.

Medical Technology For The Masses

T. Bralley

Shelton, WA

P.S. Almost forgot! The person controlling the volume is advised to wear ear-plugs, lest he or she leave a total mess on the turntable. (Half of the mess, of course, is die record!)

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

I just read Dave DiMartinos Clash article and I think Im gonna puke. I can just picture that asshole blowing his goddamn Merit Menthol smoke in Strummers face while asking hispointless, moronic questions; hes lucky Joe chose to punch his tape recorder.

Yeah, I was at the Masonic that night, too, and Detroit audiences are the most FUCKIN PATHETIC IN THE WORLD! You talk about posers, ha! Any decent band should avoid your crummy city-like the plague and leave it to the cretins like your beloved Ted Nugent. As for me, I think Ill drive the extra miles to Chicago next .time.

sick in the sun

kalamazoo, mi

P.S. Whats my name?

P.S.S. See ya at Iggy.

(Dave: Eat shit, buddy.)

DO NOT PASS GO

Go to hell. All of you, just go to hell. Pm damn sick and tired of listening to all these stupid New Wave fatis putting down the groups that I happen to believe in. I mean, sure, aD of us like to listen to simple gut-wrenching rock n roll sometimes. But what about when the world is falling apart and you cant figure out who or what even exists? What about when the fog gets so thick you cant see a foot in front of you and your shrink has gone to Hawaii? Some of us need music that makes the soul bleed a little bit. And what is music if it isnt an art? Ten to one every New Wave fan reads Harold Robbins and Sidney Sheldon (loathsome pukes that they are) and thinks Brezhnev is a Russian soup. My main desire in life right now is to drown every member of the Clash in Jimmy Pages swimming pool (or his toilet bowl if he doesnt have one).

Sonya Sikka

Kamloops, B.C.

P.S. Anyone who has read Aleister Crowley and still doesnt understand Pages fascination with him is either illiterate, superficial, or just a basic screw-up.

(Or busy cookingKhruschev consomme. —Ed.)

TRYTO REMEMBER

You wanna talk depressed? I just totalled my new car the day of the best party of the year. So Im sitting at home listening to good rock n roll (Iggy, Johansen, Heartbreakers), watching reruns with the sound off and mixing cheap vodka and Pepsi. Im probably having more fun than the people at the party. Shit, theyre stilLlistening to Boston! Oh well...

Since I know no one else to talk about rock n roll, heres a few questions and predictions.

1) Now that Joe Perry has quit Arenashit, hell join up with David J. and theyll be the hottest band since the Pistols. Catch em live doing "Personality Crisis," and watch 75% of the audience drop dead of pure sensory overload.

2) Why in the fucking world does Fleetwood Mac and Herb Alpert, for crissake, get airplay while Iggys new album goes unnoticed? Its enough to make you fart lampshades. Once when 1 was drunk I called up the FM radio station to ask for "Raw Power' by Iggy. (Fucked up, hell I know.) He asked "Who?" Whatever happened to the radio that threatened salvation from boredom!

3) I hate to admit it, but I like Led Zeppelin and, (only SOMETIMES) Rush. Forgive me, PLEASE!! I still listen to the Clash & Geep more than the aforementioned. Of course, 1 have already run over all my Boston, Foreigner, Kansas, Styx, Heart & Aerosmith topes under the right wheel of my aforementioned totalled car. God, we had some good times. Shit, I dont wanna get sentimental. Sniff.

4) Florida SUX! Ive been looking all over the damn state for the first Dolls album on import, and no luck! Can you guys help a rock n roll death-wisher? You got a connection, tell me where to get it. Back of a pool room? Basement of an abandoned summer home? ANYPLACE.

Disco is Dead! AWRIGHT! Not everything is bad news. ALSO, now that its dead as a cult, I can admit to liking a couple songs like "Heart of Glass."Cantthinkof too many others right now. But what the hell. Ill talk to you later.

6) How about a division of bands?-

ROCK

Clash, Rumour, Dead Boys, Iggy, Dolls, Pistols, Heartbreakers, Led Zep, Rush, B.O.C., UFO, Hendrix, Blondie, Dictators, Thin Lizzy, Cheap Trick, Deep Purple, Rockpile, Springsteen, Stones.

SHLOCK ,

Styx, Kansas, Yes, Tull, Moody Blues, Boston, Foreigner, Queen, Bad Co., Kiss, Heart, Van Halen, Fred Nugent, Fleetwood Mac, ELO, Bee Gees, Frampton.

7) How cum you guys are so hung up on the Walking Deads? I mean, a cute bass player does not make a bunch of bores a band. Sorry, but Ive listened to More Songs 8 or 9 times, and I still hit reject after one side. Basically, Scarlett, I think they suck.

Well thats about it for now. Publish this and maybe Ill get my insurance check soon. Think Fll try putting some new stuff into my system. Maybe Jimmy Jones Grape Kool-Aid?

John Keane

Fort Meyers, FL

Jimmy Stuffit territory!

, P.S. Suicide is the only way out. Bye, Bye. (Some suggestions: 1. Try again. 2. Tryingtimes. 3. Try cleaning your Rush LPs with hydrochloric acid. 4. Try Dade Countys Disc Delite and Commie Party Headquarters. 5. Try waxing your ears. 6. Try torbe more subtle. 7. Try sliding your lips into park before the transmission burns out. P.S. Try the fire escape. —Ed.)

NO DOUG KERSHAW????!!!!

...Get this...My neighbors dropped over the other night and I had Blondie on the stereo and theyd never, ever heard of them... And get this...these folks are my age. (In the twentys.)

I was shocked to say the least. They asked me if I had any Doug Kershaw...I said "no." So we watched TV.

I just thought that was so weird., .never heard of Blondie...Shit...

XOX

Joycie H.

San Francisco, CA,

Oh yeah...who the hell is Kate Wolf?

(Peters stranger brother?—Ed.)

CATATONIA CAUSES HEAVY METAL

Somebodys got to say it again. Nobody listened when Simon Frith brought it up in his last column. You guys put Ted Nugent and Led Zeppelin on your covers, but fill the inside up with good stuff. This doesnt bother me much, but youre cheating a lot of little creeps out of $1.25 an issue. I mean, you know that Zeppelin fans arent quite all there—just read all the letters complaining about Johnsons heavy metal piece —why cheat em?

I guess you guys have seen the future of rock n roll: big bucks. Youre about as safe now as the people youve got on your covers. Last issue Jimmy Page was on the cover. The article took him apart (and rightly so, but its so easy). Why not use the cover for one of the bands that you had nice articles about—Dave Edmunds, Iggy or Pere Ubu?

I think the whole things just a big laugh, though, because most of your writers are weD past the age when its safe to call anyone a boring old fart. (Penny Valentine—Jesus!—shes old enough to remember when Chuck Berry got his pubic hair.) I love to see this stuff; its Ike Tom Robinson going queer-bashing!

Now youre going to tell me youre real hip because you put NEW WAVERS like Elvis Costello and Debbie Harry on the cover this year. Right. Next year.. .lets see.. .1 bet well be seeing more "unknowns," like Joe Jackson and Talking Heads maybe. Yeah, I like those people, too. But lets see you take some risks, damnit. Quit waiting for these groups to make the charts before you feature them; help them get there.

Now, lets have some stuff on Wire, Penetration, Siouxsie and the Banshees, the Bizarros, the Reruns, the Romantics and, of course, Root Boy Slim and the Sex Change Band (by far the finest R&B outfit in this galaxy). Hop to it.

Your friend,

Continental Man

Flint, Ml

(Then youre not interested in our next special heavy metal bonanza edition?— Ed.)

HOTSHOTS TO HELL

Finally your magazine is showing some class. The picture of Lynn Goldsmith in your December issue of CREEM was a stroke of genius. I have been a fan of Ms. Goldsmiths rock photography for a long time, being a concert photographer myself. I recognize the fact that she is one of the hottest photographers in the field today, also one of the prettiest. Whats next—Lynn the centerfold?

Tony Rogers

Washington, D.C.

P.S. If Springsteen wasnt man enough for her whos left.

IRANIANS STORM AMERICAN BANDSTAND EMBASSY!

Here again am i, the singing wonder termite. My latest and greatest (and only-ist, I hasten to add) composition of musical musicallity is here for you to see. The song goes to the tune of Neil Youngs latest hit, "Out of the Blue and Into the Flax," that wonderful song about World War II bomber pilots.

Ode de CREEMe

Hey, hey. My, my. CREEM magazine will never die. Theres more to their pictures Than meets the eye. Hey, hey. My, my.

My, my. Hey, hey. CREEM magazine is here to stay. . Rolling Stone Will soon fade away. My, my. Hey,'hey..

Give em a dollar and give em a quarter. Its worth it to read j.m. bridge water. Lets take Greil Marcus To public slaughter. Give em a dollar and give em a quarter.

Hey, hey. Neat, neat. We want nude pictures of Rachel Sweet. Lene Lovich Just cant be beat. Hey, hey. Neat, neat.

Some people like music, others trash. The hell with Styx, Ill take the Clash, Even if they never have A million dollar bash. Some people like music, others trash.

Cheap, cheap. Trick, trick. Queen and Yes can suck rny Lets hit Rod Stewart With an exploding brick. Cheap, cheap. Trick, trick.

Rocks, rocks. Break bones. Lets bop and dance to the Ramones. The Knack are just Four Beatles clones. Rock, rocks. Break bones.

Wash, wash. Soap, soap. Lets kfll everybody who uses dope. It aint my problem If they cant cope. Wash, wash. Soap, soap.

Sleep, sleep. Rest, rest. Its so clear that CREEMs the best. None of the others Can pass the test. Sleep, sleep. Rest, rest.

Am thanking you for listening to this me. Many good tidings on your head.

Peter "i dont need no wah-wahs" Eicher

Overworked at St. Johns

P.S. Dont print the following!!!!! Mr. Meyfers stinks. If you print that, and my math professor reads it, hell probably kill me. Hey, this guy looks like James Caan and wears sneakers to class. Mr. Meyers, I mean. Hes my math. prof. And he really does stink, but dont print it.

(You forgot to say the magic words, "Off the record"!!!-Ed)

PASSED OUT IN COOKIELAND

November spew was great. Thank you for articles on Ig and Ubu.' (But really, 7 color pictures of f**king Zep?) Those cats were comedy after their first albumen! Lets see 10 color shots of Gang of Four fistfighting Foreigner in next months rag.

Im from Chicago (Flesh-City, Puppets-InHeat, the Fucking Midwest, TV-land), and the local music scene (with the exception of my band) is depressing enough without having to mutilate half of CREEM every month out of sheer boredom from looking at pukes like Jimmy Page and Gene Simmons.

Who am I to be critical? Just a working man in the belly of the beast, me.

Current instructions—Ridge and Martini and riding music beam back to base. Stations 9 and 7 destroyed by static from white-hot-cers-pantry... signing off...

Raven Dave

Nova Police >XRD-1

v The Land of Silence

Chicago, Ill City

P.S. Print this or risk telepathic subterfuge (or eyen a C.O.D. Happy Meal).

LYNN'S GOLDEN NUGGETT

SHIT, YOURE THE BEST MAGAZINE IN THE WORLD. DISCO SUCKS. ROCK N ROLL FOREVER. TELL LYNN GOLDSMITH SHES GOT ACUTE LITTLE ASS. BOSTONFOREIGNER-ROLLING STONES-BEATLES-GOLD NUGGETT BAND-WET WILLIE—FOREVER.

ROCK N ROLL WILDMAN

GREENVILLE, SC

(Promise or threat?—Ed.)

HAPPY HALF-WITS?

Heavy Metal dead? You bet! If only it was buried already! You guys are the only guys who realize that, dinosaur bizairo thud rock has gone the way of the carrier pigeon. Maybe the rest of the U.S. will come around some day.

Havje you checked out any pictures of Robert Plant lately? What a fat chunk of shit!

Van Halen: lobotomy rock

Foghat: refried bullshit

, Black Sabbath: will you please retire soon, or preferably, just die?

Kiss: Kiss off

The list is never ending. Keep creemin.

Joe Blow

from Bellefontaine, OH

(Garden spot of the universe)

P.S. Why dont you guys let me write for you? (We dont like Italians. —Ed.)