THE BEAT GOES ON

THE BEAT GOES ON

DEPARTMENTS

The Only Ones

DETROIT—The Only Ones lived up to their name during their recent Detroit debut at Bookie’s Club 870, which was a shame: they were nearly the only ones there. All of which was the fault of unfortunate timing, surely, as their first American LP—Special View, a compilation of their two British albums—wasn’t even in the stores yet and had barely made it to local radio stations. Regardless, the 30 or 40 lucky stiffs at the club saw a band that seems destined for great things.

There are only four Only Ones: lead guitarist John Perry, bassist Alan Mair, drummer Mike Kellie and guiding light Peter Perrett. Perrett writes the band’s material, sings it, plays guitar and is emerging as one of Britain’s post-new wave cult heroes. His songs are filled with wistfully romantic imagery, laced with sentiment and irony (“I always flirt with death/Fll get killed but I don’t care about it”) yet never cloying or petty. The most obvious comparison has been with the Velvets, the Lou Reed who sang “Sunday Morning” and “New Age,” but such comparisons inevitably draw attention away from Perrett’s stark originality. As both Special View and their Detroit appearance make abundantly clear, the Only Ones’ inspiration comes from within their own ranks.

Backstage—such as it is at Bookie’s—I sat down next to the diminutive Perrett before the show and reassured him Detroit didn’t know what it was missing. He sighed, and revealed that Epic has asked the band to postpone their touring for three weeks to coincide with Special View’s release. But, Perrett said, the band couldn’t wait.

“It figures. In England we’ve played our best sets in front of 30 or 40 people. And when we’ve been in front of two or three thousand people, sometimes we’ve just gone through the motions.”

Despite the small crowd the Only Ones carried their set off superbly, Perrett’s voice detached and emotive, John Perry’s guitar playing manic, rich and artfully feed-back prone. Clearly, aside from Perrett’s superb songs, the Only Ones’ greatest asset is their technical expertise. Drummer Kellie, a mainstay in Spooky Tooth a decade ago, plays with a conviction and fervor that belies his apparent “old age”. Point of fact, he’s playing stronger than he ever has—and bassist Alan Mair, formerly with Scotland’s Beat Stalkers, contributes more in concert than is evidenced on Special View. In spite of what may appear to be new wave connections, the band is anxious to shrug off affiliations with any music but their own; to their credit, they refuse to be categorized as playing any “type” of mUsic other than Only Ones music.

Perrett’s best songs—“Another Girl Another Planet,” “Lovers of Today,” “The Whole of the Law,” and “Curtains for You,” among the many—all suggest a fully-evolved, truly unique persona as intriguing and well-developed in its own way as any other in rock. Live, even Perrett’s lesser songs sounded more impressive and animated than anything I’ve heard in months, which made Detroit’s poor showing all the more depressing.

Afterward, Kellie said the band’s next tour will follow the current one by a margin of three weeks or so; hopefully Detroiters will be given another chance to investigate what they missed. Meanwhile, pick up a copy of Special View to catch an early glimpse of a band whose talent and importance will contiriue to unfold through the 1980’s. Come back guys, OK?

Dave DiMartino

PUPPY ROCK NEWL.A. SENSATION I

"Woof-Woof" the sound of tho 80'*? According to those little bitches you better believe It, buddy. Seen here with their owners, these manic mutts are into hot leather leashes, phallic fire hydrants and curbside delivery. Called the Orchids, these canny canines boast a compelling repertoire of "Puppy Love," "Hound Dog," and an old Iggy Pop tune or two. Not a bad-looking batcha owners, either, huhf Now roll over and play dead I

The

Lyric Sheet:

Glorified Toilet Paper?

BUFFALO-We don’t know what we like.

That’s the message Dr. Walter Gantz at the University of Buffalo received, according to Zodiat News, when he asked nearly a thousand young people (taller than children, but smarter than adults) whether they understood the lyrics of rock ’n’ roll songs.

Fewer than fifteen percent of the listeners said that they listened to the lyrics for “their meanings or messages,” and according to Dr. Gantz, nearly all of them “were generally Unable to provide even minimal feedback about song content.” When the easily-puzzled professor then asked why they listen to rock music if they can’t understand it, the typical reply was: “To help pass the time when there's nothing else to do.” All right!

Meanwhile, doctors at jCREEM have found that, of the thousands of rock ’n’ roll fans they have surveyed, virtually none of them understand the results of Scientific studies and, furthermore, they don’t care.

Rick Johnson

Clash Cool Bash With Trash

LONDON—The recent wave of crowd violence at punk rock concerts, may, soon be under control, thanks to that lovably gang of peacemakers, Jhe Clash.

At fixture concerts, when a fight breaks out, the plan is to turn the spotlights on the brawlers and then play “the most boring song we know” until the situation cools down.

Clash boss Joe Strummer is currently going through the Joan Baez songbook, looking for a tune boring enough to settle any punch-out without actually boring the participants to death. D. i t u

Rick Johnson

At Hair’s End

WEST COVINA, CA-Our culture has been progressing technologically at such a rate, this was bound to happen sooner or . later.

It seems that the owner of Hair 2000 in this little burg, one Jacques Brodeur, has taken the guesswork out of cutting (if you prefer, styling) some of his more finicky clientele’s locks by employing a computer, an IBM 5100, that processes 23 bodily measurements including the length of the particular nose, the weight and height of the subject into a formula for the perfect coiffure. If your schnozz happens to look like something out 'of the twilight zone, the computer can determine a hairstyle that will detract attention from the unsightly nasal malformation to

your newly computerized locks. Elton John should become one of his biggest clients once he becomes enlightened, but the Ramones aye just laughing it oft.

Keeping this scientific discovery in mind, we are wondering about the possible effects on other factions of beautification and mental health. With a little American know-how and laboratory testing, it seems purely logical, from this author’s viewpoint,, that Rorschach tests could dominate the Eighties in the determination of the possible color combinations for manicures and pedicures, leg waxings, blackhead removals, and dermabrasion. Instead of going to some quack for a prescription of tetracycline and a strict diet, which adds up to a lot of hard-earned cash spent for five minutes of ultra-violet treatment and being told to lay oft Coca-

Cola and chocolate, you would simply go down to your local shopping mall, smear some ink on a piece of blotter, feed the blotter into an analytical machine of sorts, and wait for your remedy. This seems much easi-

er than sitting in a salon or doctor’s office listening to some emphysema patient discussing his Chinese dinner of the previous night: “Yeah, that slant food emporium has the best bladk lung phlegm in Detroit!”

But this is only the tip of the iceberg. Pretty soon, electroshock therapy will be completely outdated. Instead, you’ll be able to walk into any foyer in K-, Mart’s or the like, and if you feel like your spine and cerebellum are going to do the helter skelter right out of your bod, you will be able to put on a pair of quad binaural headphones and have all four sides of Lou “If it’s good enough for me, that’s your tough luck” Reed’s Metal Machine Music embedded in your brain for the price of a mere two bits.

Say good-bye to thorazine.

Mark J. Norton

Smells Like AHItToMe

LONDON—Not since the Rasp-berries applied a jelly-scented sticker to their first LP has a record’s smell been of much interest.

That is, until Peter Tosh revived the scratch ’n? sniff trick with the English release of his Bush Doctor album. Old spliflips ran into trouble, however, because the scent he had applied to his record was that of marijuana and many retailers refused to sell it until the sticker was removed.

This order-by-odor method may*be useful in Helen Kellerville, but you can see how it might get out of hand. Peroxide-

scented Blondie albums. A whiff of upholstery on the next Cars LP. And how about scratching a Boston record and getting a noseful of thoroughly digested baked beans?

At least Black Shit Puppy Farm are no longer recording.

Rick Johnson

This Ain’t No Party

BIRMINGHAM, MI-According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, skateboards and swimming pools have been dropped oft the list of the ten most dangerous consumer products, to be replaced by “liquid fuels” and, if this doesn’t beat all, “chairs, sofas, and beds”.

Here at CREEM, we know the dangers of reclining Jn a comfortable chair with our faforite “liquid fuel”.

It seems that they have been keeping a file at Detroit General Hospital of all cuts, concussions and abrasions suffered by the staff of this magazine, as a result of the intake of various “liquid fuels”, and are using it as evidence to support these charges.

What we want to know is when and how often they contact Rick Johnson to find these embarrassments out, and where they got; his phone number. (From the Macomb, Ill., detox ward?)

We’ve had it with you, Rick. That’s the last time we ever tell you about Billy Altman’s visits to Detroit.

Mark J. Norton

5 YEARS AGO

Rod Stewart Goes On Wagon!

Rockin’ Rod Stewart climbed on the wagon recently, giving up serious drinking (is there any other kind?), confesing “I don’t get sick, I don’t get hangovers, I became a lush, lost my memory...” To date, there’s no truth to the rumor that Rod will star in a remake of Lost Weekend.