MAIL

MAIL

Plepse send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine , P.O: Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE ANYWAY

Lissen, I was nearly in a state of shock to find even a halfway decent review of Van Halen II in your rag. But look here, Joe Fernbacher, there is no such person as "Ed Roth" in Van Halen. The band's lineup consists of; Edward Van Halen, Alex Van Halen, Michael Anthony, and David Lee Roth. These names are printed clearly on the back of the album jacket. Maybe next time you should wear glasses, Joe; that is, if you bother toi read the credits at all.

Oh yeah, how did you abusers at CREEM like seeing Joey Ramone in a Van Halen t-shirt? Must've hit you where it hurts, didn't it? Nyah, nyah.

Atomic Punk ,

Binghampton, NY 1

(Don't look now, but your bowser has Just miraculously been turned into highway pizza. Bon appetit!—Ed.)

OPERATION GRAND SLAM

Meanwhile back in da jungle WPLJ's (no comp anyways) program director is on the air taking in calls from everywheres and even taking down notes!! But didn't say he was bored. But now R. Riegel can relax 'cause Graham Parker didn't get bumped off the bull pen bench, he "blasted Elvis the C. out of his own ballpark. Heard "I Want You Back" twice in two days. The Jackson Five for a cover version!! Give the man his prize and let him book. How 'bout an article now, huhThe Clash one was rat on, RAT ON.

In the elevator shaft,

, Exit 12

New Jersey Turnpike

BARBARY BOYS COMIX?

In reference to the Ronnie Wood and "The New Barbarians" tour, as soon as I heard about it, and the impending lineup, this picture came to mind. Your publication was the only one I thought might appreciate such a viewpoint. My favorite heroes are the Rolling Stones and Conan.

I hope you can use the drawing. If not, would you be so kind as to send it back to me? Houston is a nasty town. I just moved here from Denver. An original New Yorker, I'm having a pretty rough time here. The fact that I cari*t get your magazine here doesn't make it any easier.

Yours truly,

Kevin B. Saunders Houston, TX

(See what happens, kids, when you listen to Moms Mabley's version of "In A Gadda Da Vida" one too many times?Potent stuff.—Ed.)

PSYCHO SCRABBLE FROM ELASTIQUE LAND

Macomb Fashion Notes: I honestly just saw a guy walking dpwn my street wearing a leopardskin vest. A girl was even with him, but I couldn't tell if she was stroking it or not. Plus the whole town is full of' fathers wearing matching white shoes & belts. And you wonder why I'm crazy?

Last bastion of reality,

Rick Johnson Macomb, IL

(We kind of expected this from someone who converses with 7-month-old fetuses.—Ed.)

THE SUN NEVER SETS ON THE JOHNSON EMPIRE

''The Beat Goes On" is the best part of each issue, mainly due to the presence of the foremost rodent pervert, Sicko Ricko Johnson. The feature section is sounding more alike all the time: The American ex-punk disco sellout (Blondie: "Honest, we didn't mean to make a disco record. Gosh, it musta been the Benzedrine..."); the British Porkosaurus (Bad Co.: "Two years off??? Gee, I thought the drive-in line was long at Burger King."); and the British punks (Police: "We're not punks. We play, act and smell like punks and 6ven have neato spikey peroxide 'doos, but we're not punksJ.

I'm very concerned with the anti-drug position taken by Debbie Harry. As a public figure looked up to by America's teens she has a moral responsibility to promote the ways tomorrow's leaders can reach the level of brain activity enjoyed by Karen Quinlan. Look at me! I'm fine! Sure, finding the bathroom is always a new experience but drugs haven't hurt me one iota!

Meanwhile, Elvis Costello is still the king of rock. I'm another whining buyer of Mr. Buell's debut as a pre-hip import. I argued with YES freaks who were convinced he was a Presley imitator after they heard the doo wah intro to "Welcome To The Working Week."' Fuzz brains! •

More please: Elvis! Ramones! Fab Poos! Nick Lowe! Anybody with something different to say in a new way!

Ploppo DeGrappo,

formerly Bosco the Leper,

but still High Priest,

Temple of .the Cosmic Bunny

Bellevue, WA

SO ALL OF YOU BE DAMNED...

I was glad to see Elvis given a chance to reply to the idiocy that he's a "racist" in your July issue. His reference to Lenny Bruce was.quite appropriate. Lenny said on the subject that it's "...the word's [nigger] suppression that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness." And it's pontificating white liberals and "radicals" that help maintain the word's negative power. For most blacks the word is part of their everyday vocabulary and!is no longer a dirty word, at least amongst themselves.

Also I don't recall anything near such a fuss when Patti Smith defended using the word in a Playboy interview a couple of years ago or when she called Jimi Hendrix a "nigger" in her song "Rock and Roll Nigger". Seems like something of a double standard, what?

Anyway I think we all owe the entire British New Wave a debt of gratitude since if it weren't for them we probably wouldn't be discussing issues that actually matter to the world in the, pages of rock magazines.

Sincerely,

Henry Platsky

Chicago, IL

P.S. Now how about giving the Stranglers a chance to reply to the diatribe printed against them a few issues ago which repeated the 'charge that Jean-Jacques physically assaulted some critic—a charge he's denied.

P.S.S. How can you write a two-part article on the roots of punk and not mention the Count Five's classic album Snowflakes Falling on the International Dateline?

(Okay, Jean-Jacques, your audience is awaiting your reply. Break out the crayons!—Ed.)

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

God dammit! What DO I have to do to getyou guys to read my letters? Shit...I wanted to see j.m. pukewater read my letter about him. You know, at least Christgau has some sense... he gave Jules & the Polar Bears a "B"! He liked it too! YEAH JULES.,.1 love you.

Now, the next person whose case I wanna get on is Nick somebody, hold on, I wanna spell it right...Nick Tosches. What a pervert! Do you call the Blondie article in the June issue journalism? Geez, I'm surprised he didn't ask her if she eats pickles whole like that guy who interviewed Heart. Believe me, you guys can do without that kind of story! Poor Debbie.

With warm regards,

Cack

Torrance, CA

(We call the Blondie article brilliant. Now go back to your Highlights magazine.—Ed.)

CRACKED KAZOOS IN 4/4 TIME

That's cool, that's trash, oh yeah! Don't know if Robot A. Hull is from the Pacific Northwest but I know he would be one of the few to appreciate my old 45's from there. I've got all tbe pre-punk instrumental 45's. Had to. My band, the K-Otics, was hard-pressed to keep qp with the likes of the Dynamics, Frantics, Sonics, Ick-ics, etc. We never could figure out the correct dirty lyrics to "Louie Louie" so our lead singer, Gailen Walker, made up his own.' Now that's punk.

Regards,'

Gary Hallgren

Provincetown, MA

TEST TUBE HOMESICK BLUES

Why is it that some of Elvis Costello's songs seem to be reproductions of other artists'? The style by which Costello sung "Pump It Up" on his second album This Year's Model is in the same style in which Bob Dylan sung "Subterranean Homesick Blues." Did Dylan grant Costello the rights when they worked together?

"Bo"

Cranford, NJ

(No, they were too busy granting each other audiences.—Ed.) . '

FLUNKING THE APOSTLE'S CREED

Your Rock 'n' Roll News column states that Bob Dylan has converted to "born-again" Christianity. I would imagine that after ten years of no artistic inspiration, the man must be getting pretty desperate. Maybe Je£us will help hin) write another "Positively 4th Street"!

J. 7" Mark

Somewhere in the Trees Arlington, VA

(Nah, the big guy promised he'd never again destroy the Earth after The Floods remember? —Ed.)

YOU'RE IN MY COOKIE JAR

In essence to "Memo To Rod" (CREfeM, May 1979). If that so-called "Hot Legs" is as fat as she insinuates, she could hardly "fit" between Britt and Alaria. I doubt if she could fit between California and New Jersey! Right?!

Bill Sims ,

Homeworth, OH

P.S. Ya know why she calls herself "Hot Legs"? It's from all the fat rubbin' together vfhen she walks! Maybe she .should of called herself "Sweaty Legs"?

(You obviously don't know the joys of inner thigh burn-out. So where's the snapshot of your gorgeous gams, big boy?—Ed.)

BAPTISM BY RUBBER CEMENT

I am presently watching the, yes—get ready —the Osmonds sing a medley of'Beatle songs. Is there anyway I can file suit for Defamation of Character(s)? Do you believe that they refused to say "get high" but stated get by with a little bit of help from my friends, twice. Shiiittt. I bet they all use roll-on deodorants. Where the hell is Tom Petty when we need him? Is it true y'all write your own letters or did' the Monkees really play their own music? By the way, I heard Donnie Osmond got impregnated by Michael Jackson. The Beatles will always be #1 and when I get them back together, Richard Riegel will be granted an interview. What's wrong with Clapton? Did he forget that some people like to stay awake to listen to music? Why don't you assholes write something about Sammy Hagar who's blown more amps than Leslie West, Geezer Butler, Richie Blackmore and the Ramones combined. Cheap Trick rocks, Nugent is Gonzo, The Slones still rock, CREEM and Tiger Beat forever.

Yes We Rock In The South Robert E Lee—Ward #9 Columbus, GA

P.S. I confess, I'm not Catholic but will you still print,this? Shop szniff, bleep gabbba. (Catholic is a state of mind.—Ed.)

WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME, NORM CROSBY?.

This letter is in reply to Mark C.'s letter in your June issue. It seems strange that he pointed the accusing finger at Richard Riegel's lack of understanding of the chor-us to "All The Young Punks" when he deciphered the lyrics incorrectly himself. _

According to a lyric sheet I got from CBS the chorus is: "All the young punks/Laugh your life coz there ain't much to cry for/All you young cunts/Live it now cause there ain't much to die for." (If you don't agree with this*tell it to CBS; on second thought, why doesn't someone ask Joe Strummer what he's saying?)

Also, though I prefer The Clash to Elvis Costello, his complaint that Elvis isn't original because he adapted the theme from a couple of Clash songs is foolish (who knows when the songs were written, release dates are irrelevant). One could point out that "English Civil War" and Elvis' "Night Rally" have similar subject matter and the latter came out many months before the former.

Thank you for the space to straighten out the English Squirm.

Don Williams Chino, CA

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE §i 3-CHORD PROGRESSION

I thought you mortals might be interested in knowing that Jim Morrison has been turning over in his grave in disgust ever since his soul heard the disco version of "Light My Fire" on one of the radio stations up here. Repent thee Amii Stewart, for Thou hast sinned.

Divinely yours, . J

Rock (formerly Arc) Angel Gabriel

c/p God

Public Relations Dept.

Heaven, 68032 . »

CHOPPED HOGS ARE WATER SOLUBLE

I, too, have dreams(all kinds) abbut the Stones. Except usually just Mick is invdlved. Also Roger Daltrey, Tom Petersson, Rod Stew.art, Mick Jones (CLASH), and Donnie Dacus.

I don't give 'em gtiitar lessons, tho. You wanna know what we do?...Nah, this is a clean mag; you wouldn't print it...You do anyway? Okay. You asked for it.

First, we do the dishes. Then we pick up my apartment. After that we jurqp up and down on Bruce Stinksteen records and then burn what's left and throw what's left of that out the window. Next we play old Four Tops records at 85 db and dance naked. Finally, we all get into my bathtub—fully clothed—and plot the overthrow of Ann Arbor. We don't have sex, unless Elton happens to drop by.

TURN TO PAGE 64

MAIL

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Please print more Who articles. Please, • please, please. If you don't, then Mick' and Roger and Tom and Rod and Mick Jones (CLASH) and Donnie and I are gonna take over CREEM right after we get done with Ann Arbor.

Love, reign o'er me,

Sally Simpson #905

Rick Leach City, MI

P.S. Cows don't melt in the rain because they have specially-treated hides. The same stuff I put on my cowboy boots.

P.S. #2 That explains cows, but. what about pigs?

(If you've got an available porky, ourmailroom personnel have the time. Mondoperverso.—Ed.)

KEMOSABE CHEMOTHERAPY

Caught a wonderfully drunk Dire Straits in an intimate coffeehouse on the last show of their tour and Gary Kenton's article really brought it home. After spending countless steamy hours listening to his sultry growl, I am convinced Knopfler is the ultimate bareback rider. Tell me Gary, how does a fallen angel find out?

Angela Ryan

Deptford-on-the-Waterline

Rancho Cordova, CA

(Check the lower'extremities for saddlesores and spur burns. Hi ho, Silver!—Ed.)

INDI-GESTION

Hi there. Ever drunk a lot of coffee? Shortly thereafter when the diuretic qualities of caffeine manifest themselves; the discharged liquid is nearly clear as water. The dark dun is gone. Many rock magazine articles are like that. The journalist visits awhile and produces a watery story. Rarely is CREEM like that. But then the June Blondie article: desultory, useless verbiage. Ah but also an ingenious device for incorporation of some of the finest photos ever found within your pages. Sublimimiminal ecstatic delight. OOH AAH, cerebral meltdown, the totality of concept, from calendars to stars cars...the attention to details, the metric layout concepts and the incisive reporting are unified in a system which expounds profundity. Ever drunk alot of beer? The ensuing rivulet is nearly identical to the recently quaffed beverage, but the, residual ethanol remaining in the corporeal entity conjugates perfectly with the belles lettres of the mai| department. When I have enough beer and coffee on hand I always finish CREEM in one sitting (with a few breaks for hydrostatic release), and so in my state of insobriety I always conclude my studies on the backstage page* which is the quintessence of journalist inebriation. Ha cha cha.

Dick Klessig

Rolling Meadows, IL

(Due to youV willful misuse of a pocket thesaurus, you are hereby sentenced to three years of hard labor on Rod McRuen's Weekly Reader. Case dismissed.—Ed.)