HOME: Wherever crumbling council flats swelter.

AGE: Somewhere between infantile indignation and adolescent angst.

PROFESSION: Searching the world for new trends in fashion on a bag lady's budget.

HOBBIES: Willful consumption of all liquid refreshments derived from barley within a three-mile radius; checking normal-sized persons for early signs of hair loss; checking normal-sized persons; lower lip calisthenics; high altitude oxygen digestion.

LAST BOOK READ: Napoleon: A Psychobiograph by Randy Newman.

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Managed to maintain control of all body functions during a particularly heart-rending episode of Celebrity Sweepstakes.

QUOTE: "Elvis likes me. ..but we all have our crosses to bear."

PROFILE: Born on a day when Father Sun smiled lovingly on all woodland creatures, young Joe was bathed in the fragrant pool of hopeless romantic passion, and gently patted dry with a carpet of green and verdant ivy. Once the rash was cleared up, Joe grew up straight and tall, until he challenged even the mighty oak in dignified stature. Now if he could only rid himself of the fucking termites...

BEER: Boy Howdy!