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Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 BirmirVghqm, Ml 48012

PASS THE PLATELET I want to thank you folks for giving Capt. Beefheart coverage on his latest album and tour. Damned few other supposedly rock rags gave this man any attention at all, which only goes to prove that CREEM is America's Only Rock 'n' Roll Magazine.

My only reservation is that Billy Altman, a fine writer, stressed Beefheart's love songs. Beefheart comes off sounding like a wimp, when 95% of Shiny Beast is raw Beefheartian metallic grit! One of the songs, "You Know You're A Man," ranks with "Glider" and "Big Eyed Beans From Venus" as a metal classic.

All that aside,iTeep Fernbacher on the booze patrol. This man has his finger on the pulse, boys! Some day that guy's gonna end up in blow-fly heaven, and the old gibbous moon will smile a smile of sweet content.

Under the Overpass,

Ralston

New York, NY

DEAR BOB...

Mr. Christgau: .

In regards to your capsule review of Elvis Costello's Armed Forces: No wonder you "don't find as many memorable^bits of language as on This Year's Model." ,

You've misquoted the ones you thought you did find.

"The boys, from tfie Mersey and the Thames and the Tyne*." '

Sincerely,

Don Quaintance Elvis Interpreter Houston, TX

*Tyne: River in North England flowing east to the North Sea.

PSYCHIC SATISFACTION Despite the fact/you probably write all your own mail, I'm writing to give congrats for finally using some type space usefully. I'm talking about Stephen Demorest's article on the Clash. It was the greatest!!! Here I was about to write you guys and demand a good article on the Clash and you beat me to it! That's the stuff that should be pasted on your pages, not Nugent, Rush, Kiss, Boston or any of those other nonentities... More on Clash, Cars, Talking Heads, Police, Boomtown Rats, and Stones (yeah they still got it).

The Clash 4-ever > \

Somewhere in teen age wastelands Angela

P.S. Your page on Sid was really depressing (but good). Sid lives....

ROLL OVER, STEPHEN FOSTER After a whole evening of research, my colleague and I arrived at the following scientific conclusions. We feel that they are ready to be released to the world. They are qs follows (to be sung to the tune of "Camptown Races"): Andy Gibb dressed left, doo-dah

doo-dah ,

Andy Gibb dresses left, oh doo-dah day So does Robert Plant Freddie M. does too

Bev Bev's another one, they all dress left for you.

Then there are some righties too, '

. doo-dah doo-dah

We are gonna name a few, oh doo-dah day -

Rod Stewart's one,

Paul Stanley's two Dee Dee, John, and Joe Ramone And Jim Dandy, too.

Then there are some center guys, doo-dah doo-dah

They're that way 'cause they can't decide, oh doo-dah day David Bowie's one But that was just for show But some of them are serious, as they will let you know.

Then there are some switch-hitters, doo-dah doo-dah

People who are extra bold, oh doo-dah day

Some days they'll g? left Some days they'll go tight Just ask Cat Stevens...what he does at night.

The girls who know G-burg High, MD

P.S. Did you notice the pic'of Virgin's Dirk Etienne in the March ish of well-known teenybopper magazine? 1 mean, we could expect that kind of smut from CREEM or something, but

16? (I'm sorry, it just slipped.)

(Maybe we should encourage this.—Ed.)

OSTRICH WEINIES ON DOPE Hey Guys, I just picked up the May issue of CREEM, and I was thumbing through the rocka-ramas when I noticed Rick Johnson's review of Pointy Feet Beet; not bad, until I get to the part where he refers to Slink Rand as an ostrichweinie. Come on Rick, you have to be kidding. I have seen Slink and his band 17 times and partied with them, I mean the guy ain't fat but referring to him that way? He happens to stand 6'3", and he is thin, but an ostrich weinie, I can't believe it. Rick, being from Macomb, you must have seen him at McCabe's; he is fucking great! 1 am sure, Rick, for cheap thrills, y5u go to McCabe's on disco nite and watch the strobe lites for fun.

Slink Rand's number 1 fan.

Ms. Brown LaGrange, IL

(Rick: "Naw, for cHhap thrills I go out to Elastique Land and sniff waistbands. ")

Oh mommy, oh mammy mammy...

ROGER WHITTAKER DIED FOR YOUR SINS

I TAKE BLOODY OFFENSE fO YOUR CHEAP SHOT CANADIAN HEE HEE HEE JOKE ABOUT HOW WE'LL BUY ANYTHING (April '79, for your reference). I park my dog sled outside my igloo like everybody else. I clean up after my Huskies. I buy B-grade seal oil. I hit the Hudson's Bay Company only twice a year, and I liveon duck and moss for' seven months outta twelve. Now who the hell are you, oh Prince of a Thousand Mindless Words, to • badmouth us hard-frozen, suffering Canadian pipples? I mean, do you know how many walrus , tusks it takes to rebuild a '66 Newfoundland dog sled? Try finding parts. Not at Aamco, brother.

Wheat? Whazzat? I eat polar bear gristle, baby, so don't crap on us poor frostbites. We're having enough trouble trying to figure out this metric whalemanure they dropped on us. How the hell are we supposed to play snowshoeball, huh?

I hope Miami gets snowed under. Serve you seagulls right.

Jimmy Page Lowther

Vancouver, B.C. CANADA - disturbed ward

P.S. Neil Diamond is a mine in Northern Kebec. I defy you to try and grow one, let alone twenty, gold carrots in THAT tundra.

GONNA LOVE THE SWEAT OUTTA YOUR SOCKS

/ Let's clear this thing up once and for all. Did Barry White really walk from east L.A. to the corner of Hollywood and Vine and back in one day? If so, why?

Also, whatever happened to that folk singer, Bob Dylan? Haven't heard anything about him since 1964.

Your friend, \

James Marlon Santa Monica, CA

(We don't know for sure, but word has it Mr. White was test driving a new pacemaker equipped with a disco bass. As for Dylan... waif a minute... does he owe you any money?—Ed.)

SWAPPING FREQUENCIES THE CANADIAN TIMES H REAL CHEAP TELEVISION LISTINGS CHANNEL 40-D (

8:00 THE ROCK HEARTS: Cartdon. Heart finally gets a number! one record, but Nancy gets fleas and Rbger has to spend the night chained up out in the, yard.

9:00 LOVE CANADIAN STYLE: Comedy.., Artn Wilson and Mike Fisher accidentally mix up | mackinaws.

10:00 CANADIAN BANDSTAND: Music. Heart performs "Stairway To Vancouver" and "Incest Is Be,st."

11:00 H*E*A*R*T: Drama. H*E*A*R*T stops an epidemic of mono by showing victims the gross way to kiss.

12:00 HEART AT HOME: Documentary. Ann and Napcy Wilson battle to save their copy of Zoso frorti Rush.

1:00 a.m. HEART CLASSICS: Movie./'The Group Who Came From Vancouver" (1970). A gang of acid groupies gang rape unsuspecting Ted Zeppelin fans and wear their love beads. 2:30 a.m. THE HEART SQUAD: Drama. Roger Fisher and Howard Leese defuse the mouth of Ann Wilson in a massage parlor and Steve Fossen and Michael Derosier explain incest to a child.

3:30 a.m. MOVIE: Adventure. "Attack Of The Giant Heart People" (1961). The lock 'n' loll group Heart terrorizes audiences in three countries (including the Nips) by simply appearing on stage.

5:00 a.m. SUB CANADIAN 79: Sports. Heart skates with the Royal Canadian Mounties to "Somewhere Over The Mushroom."

6:00 a.m. THE HEART SHOW: Variety. Members of the audience rush the stage and beat Heart to death witn valves from Seattle sewer mains.

6:01 a.m. HEART'S WOODSTOCK WEEKEND: Music, peace, love and drugs. Live from Eddie's Garbage Dump in San Francisco.

8:00 a.m IT'S A HEART WORLD: Talk'Show. Ann and Nancy Wilson are the guests discussing their upcoming roles as stunt dog and butterfly for Patti Smith and Marie Osmond in, "I Was A Teenage Mental Case."

I didn't mean it Ann. "49—Forty Or Fight".

* Col. Wan*a Van Seattle For the "Ann Wilson Cause"

Start a chapter in your town today Knoxville, TN /

P.S. Wasn't Ann Wilson one of the brides in Here Come The Brides? One of the grooms? I could swear "Hijinx" sounds like "Seattle" by Bobba Sherman. Somebody stop me before I buy another copy of Dog And Butterfly, I've got six copies. So I can hear each member's part. Linda Ronstadt hasn't got a thing on ya Ann, except the map to Birmingham. It's time you guys at CREAM (ooopppsss CREEM) put in a disgusting letter about Heart (ooopppsss Fart). Print this dam it—it's my 4th letter!

(According to our files, Ann Wilson portrayed one of (he trees in Here Come The Brides. So where's Bobba Sherman today, smarty-pants? -Ed.)

PAYDIRT OB MUDBATH?

Now don't get me wrong, j.m. bridgewater's journalistic style is fraught with interesting images and clever word combinations, but is. also, for my money, a bit verbose.

There is a very thin line between meaningful "stream of consciousness" type writing and a page full of clutter that in the end leaves the reader asking, "What's the point?"

Someone should give him/her a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style which s/he should only half pay attention to, just enough to realize that clarity is not a dirty'word.

Mr. bridgewater (or Ms. bridgewater as the case may be) is quite perceptive and clever. S/he is certainly much better than the rock

critic for the Kansas City Star. However s/he reminds me of Patti Smith and william Burroughs to the extent that they all could use an editor with a big sieve to sort out the gold from the pyrite.

Sincerely, I V

(Mrs.) Rebecca Gavin

Kansas City, MO

P.S. Would love to read something about Jonathan Richman and Pere Ubu and a question not dealt with by "M.D." who reviewed No Wave in April issue—just who is Klark Kent? (If you read last month's Police report, you'd know.—Ed.) ‡

FOR THE BENEFIT OF HOLLYWOOD HACKS >

I guess the reason I'm kind of surprised at all this ts because I expected something a little different from you guys. I mean, you are writers

in your own right, right?

To get to the point, we really appreciated the article on Rock And Roll High School out here in Hollowood. It was very nice, almost accurate and mentioned everyone connected with the production save two writers.

An exclusion that may, with time, prove embarrassing because it looks like the universe has decided to make these guys hot. Fr'instance: this Saturday here in town the members and management of Cheap Trick are sitting through a private screening of RNRHS in the final round of a dance involving the writers' latest script: Big Broadcast of 1990 in which Columbia Records would like Cheap Trick to star. Also, these two writers were responsible for one of the funnier episodes of National Lampoon's Animal House a few weeks ago ("The Cuban Missle Crisis") which netted them an assignment to write for the magazine itselfeYou may remember Animal House, the same issue of ybur mag that reported on RNRHS named Animal House as the funniest of the three clone shows spawned by the Universahflick.

But I guess you'd have to know these guys to get upset about it. They're both 24 years old, brand new to Hollywood and were, up until a couple of months ago, living entirely on $15.00 a day extra pay (they can be seen asTans in / WpnncvHold Your Hand, wild crowd crazies in FM and mutants in Deathsport 2000). They were "discovered" by Allan Arkush offering to punch up scripts for a sandwich. Their story is too Complicated to go into here and too interesting to sum up in a couple of sentences. They are worthy of the note they didn't receive.

Their names are Richard Whitley and Russ -Dvonch.

Ask Joey Ramone about them, he'll tell ya.

Gabba gabba hey, indeed.

Your time is appreciated,

Don Wrege

Los Angeles, CA

(Hope this rights the wrong. And, by the way, the TV show is Delta House.—Ed.)

THE LEGEND LIVES ON...

This might sound like a dumb question but, are or were: Gallagher and Lyle, Loggins and Messina, Teegarden and Van Winkle, Simon and Garfunkle, Myles and Lenny, Tufano and Giammarese, Cashman and West, Dalton and Dubari, Chapman and Whitney, Hall and Oates, Willie and Waylon, Ashford and Simpson, and Brewer and Shipley all homosexuals?

Questioning,

A'Concerned parent

Up in this Thawing Tundra called Canada. (We'll tell you if you tell us about Gordon Lightfoot and "Edmund Fitzgerald." There's.t something oddly unsettling about that "Fellas, it's been good to know ya" line.—Ed.)

FOOLS RUSH IN

First of all, a small reply to Bill Banasiewcz. I'm afraid that Rush blew their own concept a bit. Both hemispheres have to work simultaneously, and do, at all times. Because, dear Rushophile, the cerebral hemispheres control the body, not just thg mind. If, say, the left half were on hold, the entire right side of one's body would be paralyzed, blind, insensible, and all the rest of the (condition known as Dead. Besides, I can prove that Peart cribbed the whole concept (sans slip-up) from an article in a three-year-old issue of Psychology Today, Greek allusions and all. Never mind.^Rush should watch their psych a bit. All we are saying is, give fixed-ratio reinforcement schedules a chance.

So much for that. I just wanted to let you know that I'tn a once-weekly disc jockey for a noplace college radio station, which is in the hands of such a lot of fools. 9 out of 10 of our DJs play the dreaded DISCO. (I do my best as part of the Saturday p.m, Trouble-Boys-and-Girls Anarchy-is-Good-for-the;Government Rock 'n' Roll Coalition, but never mind that.) And I've realized something. Let disco have the top ten! Let it have all the AM airplay! Because (with a few exceptions), good music is—roll of drums— almost never appreciated in its own time/Bach was considered a dull provincial until years after his death. Mozart didn't catch on anywhere in his life time, except in one city, Prague. Beethoven's work was compared to the dropping of a bag of nails. And let's not forget the cool reception accorded to the Velvets! So do you see my point? Let the masses jerk off on Alvin, Simon, and Theodore Gibb,' they deserve it. What would posterity think of Stravinsky if he composed commercial jingles?

Thanks for a most entertaining magazine. Print more on Talking Heads (and next time, let Tina Weymouth do some of the talking!).

From Polaris to the Bowery,

Captain Conceptual Mt. Holyoke College SouthpHadley, MA

P.S. Tell the Subhuman he seems like a i!eal nice guy...John Cale is-the Way, the Truth, and the Life, print something on him...do print this letter, it would make me happier than spending an afternoon with Robin Zander...may the Farce be with us all!

WEEKEND UPDATE CRISIS A recent "Innerviews" show featuring Cheap Trick shattered my lingering pre-pube girlhood dreams. Robin Zander, he of the cute little ass, big eyes and Hmm Hmm talks just like Jane Curtin's Mrs. Lupner! Damn! Break out the earplugs, sweetie. HI be in Budokan Tuesday. Love,

Jenny Violet-Feline Houston, TX

(If we're not there by Wednesday', start the party without us. —Ed.) /

GEOGRAPHICALLY YOURS The world is round. It has seventy-two different countries and they're all on dry land. The rest of the world is in the sea. Why doesn't the world float? Well, if you go into your garden and pick up a bit of the world and put it in a jamjar of water, you'll find that it sinks right down to the bottom, and this practical experiment concludes our first lesson: The world is heavier than you think.

Dr. Graham Chapman (no relation)

New York, NY

(That still doesn't tell us why cows dqn't melt in the rain.—Ed.)

DID YOU KNOW THE WAR'S OVER? Livitr' up here in Canada (in an igloo, of course) I pan't, always find the answers to certain important questions. And when all else fails, ask CREEM! So here goes...

1) Why no review of Hearts Of Stone? I'm shattered.

2) Is Gonzo divorced yet?

3) Is the sexy dude in the beret on page 18 of your April issue, Miami Steve Van Zandt? (I know it ain't the BOSS. See page 41, October issue. Same attire! God, I'm so observant!!!)

4) Who shares the vocal with Southside on "Broke Down Piece Of Man" on "I Don't Wanna Go Home?" Is that Miami Steve? f 5) Who's Cheetah Chrome?

TURN TO PAGE 72

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 11

6) Why, on why, does Joe Perry insist on copying the superb Keef Richard(s)?

7) Is George Thorogp'od really that young?

' 8) Why is Mick Jagger so skinny?.(How's about a feature on Jag's diet tips?) Just want everyone to know that the Boss's concert here in Montreal last year (everyone wore fur-Iinfed parkas and mukluks) (and fur-lined berets, too) was the rhost jncredibly beautiful event ever seen anywhere* God bless you, Bruce. We all lov6 you very much.

Vive le Que'bec libre!

Somewhat sincerely,

Arlene Tyo (No I'm not Japanese)

Montreal, Quebec CANADA (1. Pleased to meet you. 2. Depends on your definition of the term. 3. Yowsaht. 4. Vies. 5. Aw c'mon—even Pierre knows that answer. 6.\ We all have our heroes. 7. 23 young? 8. He gave up food for Lent—four years ago.—Ed.)

SHAM SANDMAN CAUSES SURFBOARD SHORTAGE!

Do you ever have dreams about the Stones? I have them all the time. The other night I dreamed I was giving Keith guitar lessons. I forget what song I was trying to teach him, maybe "Johnny B. Goode" or something. Keith was hopeless, he just couldn't get it right! Why can't I have normal dreams like having Stevie Nicks as my, slave girl?

The Midnight Rambler Somewhere in the Northeast P.S. Brian Jones and Jim Morrison both died on my birthday.