THE BEAT GOES ON

THE BEAT GOES ON

Court Clears Critics

NEW YORK—Hey Fernbacher! You can come up out of your basement now. All is forgiven.

The New York State Supreme Court has finally ruled that critics can not be charged with libel for bad reviews. Justice Israel Rubin an nounced in the landmark case of Rex Reed vs. Jerry Orbach that a nasty review was not libelous "no matter how SEVERE, HOSTILE, ROUGH, CAUSTIC, BITTER, SARCASTIC OR SATIRICAL" it read.

Reed had merely stated that songbird Orbach was a "tone-deaf mediocrity" and a

"non -prof essional embar rassment." Gimme babies! -that would have been a compliment in the pages of CREEM. But Jerry-whose voice actually sounds like the whining of horseflies around a particularly luscious cowpie -insisted on bringing., suit, leading Justice Rubin to de clare that "criticism can be said to be part of an enter tainer's life." Just like his eventual death!

OK, guys, got your pens ready? Severe, hostile, rough, caustic, bitter. . ah, where's that Joni Mitchell album?

Rick Johnson

A Rock Star's Guide To .Rock Criticism

NEW YORK/DETROIT — While we're busy celebrating 25 years of rock 'n' roll, let us not forget that this year also commemorates the first quarter century of rock criticism. That's right, rock critics the world over have their own drum to bang this year— and, if we expect today's musicians to produce bigger and better music during the next 25 years, there's no reason why they can't also be expected to assist today's rock critics as they make an equal effort to upgrade the state of their art a couple of notches before 2004 rolls around.

And if you don't think they need to, think again.

Just a vX/hile back, Freddie Mercury accosted me backstage during a New York City ballet performance, lividly demanding to know why he was always getting the short shrift in CREEM. "Surely it's not my attitude?" he preened. "I mean, we rock YT roll, don't we? What is it? My clothes? My teeth?"

In a somewhat similarly related incident, an equally distraught Keith Emerson was overheard asking why he always came off foulsmelling in interviews. "Why me?" he simpered.

Even Lou Reed (who's been into $&M relationships for years) broke down during a recent bull (and - how) session, confiding, "How come I look so bad in print every time I open my mouth?"

The answer to these questions is obvious. The fault, dear Brutus, lies not with the rock critics, but rather with the rock stars themselves. They may be whiz kids in the studio or on a well-lit stage, but get them in front of a microphone and they invariably end up being their own worst enemies.

No musician can afford to make easily avoidable—but potentially very costly—mistakes during rock interviews; interviews which, it should be remembered, are the staple of any self-respecting rock magazine.

Here then, for the Freddies , Keiths and Lous of the profession, are the Seven Deadly Rock 'n' Roll Sins as committed by rock stars during rock interviews which cause such problems as well as how to avoid them:

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The rock star tries to avoid answeririg specific questions, Oh, he may hear the critic's question, but you can be sure that if he doesn't want to answer it, the rock star will act as if he didn't, choosing instead to change topics in mid-stream. The key is to answer all the rock critic's questions. Failure to do so will make the rock star look evasive in print:

CREEM: What about all the oral sex references in your lyrics?

IAN HUNTER: Can I get you a cup of coffee?

CREEM: Do you realize you've used the word suck 83 times in your songs? What's with the obvious fixation?

IAN HUNTER: Nice weather we're having, isn't it?

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The rock star doesn't say anything quotable during the interview. He may even resort to platitudes, a direct result of his not having developed any carefully researched or fresh statements:

CREEM: You're just an old man. Why don't you pack it in and give up?

JAGGER: No comment.

CREEM: Listen, did you and Keith really push Brian into that swimming pool?

JAGGER: No comment.

The rock star doesn't give the rock critic any news. Let's face it: rock critics are, essentially, reporters. And like all reporters they need information which hasn't been reported previously. A rock stqr can make a friend for life of the rock critic to whom he gives an exclusive story. To do otherwise is to waste the critic's valuable time:

PATTI SMITH: Y'know, I'm going to Paris next month with William Burroughs and Amanda Lear to raise the ghost of James Dean during an all-night seance.

CREEM: Didn't I read about that in several magazines a couple of months ago?

PATTI SMITH: Probably.

The rock star tries to shade the truth. There's nothing a rock critic dislikes more than a rock star who tries to con his way through an interview. As always, direct honesty is always the best policy. Dishonesty (not to be confused with sensationalism), on the other hand, is always a drag:

CREEM : What's this about Brian Eno producing your next album?

DYLAN: Well, it's possible I can use any producer.

CREEM: Yes, but it's been pretty widely rumored that you're going to have Eno produce it, what with him staying at your house and all.

DYLAN: There's always the possibility, but don't count on it. There have been rumors about me using Eno and\I know I'm not going to do that.

CREEM: You really are. a scam artist. You know that, don't you?

DYLAN: No comment.

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The rock star tries to go off-the-record in his comments without the rock critic's permission to do so. Nothing is more damaging for a rock star than to be quoted in an interview as saying Something wjiich, at the time, he had assumed was going to be strictly offthe-record. Rock stars should never take anything for granted when being interviewed: if v/ou want something to bfe off-therrecord, get it in writing. Remember, there hasn't been a rock critic, born (and make no mistake about it, they're born—not made) who's been afraid of the word sensationalism.

☆ ☆ ☆

The rock star insists on talking about subjects which are of absolutely no interest to anyone. This includes religion and politics (sexual or otherwise), both of which have nothing to do with rock! 'n' roll.

The rock star says things with a mistaken notion that he'll be able to see the story before it appears in print and get a second chance to edit hfis comments. (At least it won't happen in this magazine.) To the rock critic, there's no such thing as a second chance. If the rock star talks candidly about jiis affiliations with the American Nazi Party and hasn't stipulated beforehand that such comments be stricken from the record, then he might as well start packing. Rock critics are a proud (albeit stubborn) breed and will fight to the death for their right not to be compromised. Besides, a little sensationalism now and then never hurt anyone.

NEXT MONTH: All about lawsuits.

Jeffrey Morgan

CREEM'S FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHERS SCHOOL

Yes, Virginia, you too can be among thestarving (oops! successful) mass of media elites known as rock 'n' roll shutterbugs by following these basic steps. In just a few short weeks, concert-goers may be accosting you with such comments as "You work for CREEM?" "Are you Bob Alford?1.!!" or "What sex are you?"

1. Get as close to your subject as possible I You should be able to determine the rock star's brand of nasal spray by the crystalline residue on his nose hairs. And no matter what your subject does to distract you, hold on to that (^arnerg! Rock stars are habitual kleptomaniacs and will stop at nothing to relieve you of your livelihood, marriage prospects and/or,left ear,

2. Know your subject I Being able to instantly recognize a rock star can prevent the embarrassment and cost of developing dozens of shots of security guards, and PR persons, orthd audience. (Unless, like Michael Marks, you plan to set up concession stands for audience members wishing to pur-, chase pictures of themselves getting woofed on at rock concerts. Watch for franchises, coast to coast.)

3. Try to capture the subject's "best side"I;It is true that some people photograph better from one angle than another. Be creative! It's bound to pay off, as Richard "Didja know you're balding?" Creamer will testify.

4. Know your equipment I Every photographer has a sob story about the one-of-a-kind shot that was ruined by the wrong f-stop. (Of course, there are those Caroline Kennedys of the world who trouble remembering film their Instamatics. If you hapto be one of them, hang it Up now and take up another hobby, like dolphin farming.)

5. Train your assistants! Should you decide you need help with a particularly difficult assignment (i.e., backstage shots of Elvis Costello), be sure to have someone along who knows proper photog procedure. When 10,000 rabid Queen fans decide to rush the stage, a good assistant will keep his head and be able to provide invaluable information in the confusion of the moment (read: "Your lens cover is still on" or "There is a sawed-off shotgun aimed at your head").

6. Maintain your personal space I When you're as comely as Lynn "I Beat Rod Stewart Off My Stobe" Goldsmith, those troublesome musicians always want to zoom in on your aperture (zzzzzz) to see what develops. Here Lynn tries to salvage a shot of Dave Edmunds' upper lip for a possible Modern Nursing cover.

Devo Nixed ' By Rabid Anglophobes

LONDON—Although many a pop music fan considers the British Isles the enshrined bastion of the new wave of rock 'n' roll, voters in the outlying corners of the U.K. recently gave the punk-in-' spired lifestyle a massive expression of "no confidence.",

Doting mother England had offered so-called "devolution" packages,' which would have provided increased levels of home rule to two pf her thankless stepchildren, Wales and Scotland, but late returns showed the Welsh 4-to-1 against devolution, while the canny Scots approved the devo package by such a slim margin that the whole question was dumped back in the laps of Prime Minister Callaghan and Parliament, like a mess of overripe haggis.

While political observers are bemoaning this distressing lack of interest in selfdetermination, knowledgeable music scene insiders have identified the objectionable features of devolution which stiffed the proposal with the voters.

As part of Wales' introduction to democratic devolution, the package ' would have entailed Welsh national pop hero Tom Jones taking over the role of the compulsively infantile "Booji Boy", in the stage presentations of the American new wave rock group, "DEVO", freeing their celebrated Mark Mothersbaugh fpr yet more digital cakewalking upon his retro keyboards.

Similarly, Scotland's portion of the devolution boxlunch would have required that every Bay City Rollers record ever pressed be melted down to provide sufficient vinyl to tailor a lifetime (albeit tartan) supply of the trademark Devo jumpsuits.

Unnaturally encouraged by the hairbreadth plurality agreeable to devolution in Scotland, Callaghan has proposed a new referendum on the issue there, with Scottish bard A1 Stewart's name substituted for the Rollers' in the language of the Act. The P.M. is confidently predicting a landslide vote on the basis of this revision.

Troubadour Stewart, contacted at his castle-shaped condominium in Glasgow, vowed to donate his brain to science before he would "let it be eaten by a bunch of Yank apes in rubber boiler suits." (DEVO's response to Stewart's pique, taped while the group was comparisonshopping at Akron's famed Dr. Scholl's Factory Outlet Store, was unfortunately lost to posterity when the cassette thing fell apart.)

Richard Riegel

5 YEARS AGO

Whatever Gets You Through The Flight

Here's yet another drunken John Lennon story: Seems John expressed an interest in greeting the plane that was transporting Ehon John to Los Angeles, in the hopes of at least meeting his hero in the flesh. He arrived at the airport to find that EJ's plane would be two hours late, however, and quickly retired to the airport Bar. When Elton finally arrived, Lennon is understood to have fallen to his knees at the sight of him, moaning "Elton, oooh Elton John." It's not known whether he finally got his backstage pass or not.

ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE...

After perusing recent Sounds and New Musical Express articles oft the subject of rock critics becoming rock stars, it has come to our attention that a few worthy candidates were forgotten. Just to set the record straight, we felt it our duty to add Joe "Pass the Spuds" Fernbacher to this expanding list. Shown here flanked by Terry Sullivan of the Jumpers, Joe recently returned from a self-imposed exile to make a rare public appearance in Buffalo (or is that a rare buffalo appearance in public?), giving Meat Loaf a run for his money. Believe it: when better rock stars are built, CREEM will build thehil

Duck-Kicking Spreads To Northwest

SEATTLE—The never-fending saga of man versus duck has claimed'yet another* victim.

Disc jockey Danny O'Brien of KISW often dressed up in a duck suit to entertain at rock conc^rtq here in The City The Siin Forgot. At one recent show, however, O'Brien made the mistake of imitating the walking style of one (tubbed-out woman spectator, who whirled, around and began trying to forcibly remove his quack. She was quickly joined by security guards who knocked him to the floor and began beating and kicking him in front of his tail feathers.

O'Brien was then arrested and charged with obstruction of justice, much' to the dismay of KISW program director Beau Philips. "How can a man in a big, padded duck outfit, lying on the ground being kicked in the groin,," he, asked philosophically, "obstruct the justice?"

Maybe he fell on a judge.

Rick Johnson