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SOUTHSIDE JOHNNY

(Pronounced “Boy Howdy!”)

March 1, 1979

HOME: The soft, white underbelly of the throbbing megalopolis... the South Side.

AGE: Somewhere between Wynonie Harris and ChuckBarris.

PROFESSION: Introducing Billie Holliday blues to hayseed headbangers; sucking Stax/Volt soul from saliva-sodden mouth harps.

HOBBIES: Plotting the death of Chuck Mangione by trumpet backfire; deep-breathing competitions in New Jersey; carcinogenic victory gardens.

LAST BOOK READ: Cook ThatMutha ’TilltBums by Jake & Elwood Blues.

LAST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Claiming unused nicknames such as “Sweet Meat”, “Phlegm Face” and “Baited Breath” as tax write-offs.

QUOTE: “My aunt says I lost my voice because they landed on the moon.”

PROFILE: Lost in a world dominated by FM radio, Billy Carter, disco rollerskating and American Bandstand, Southside and friends decided to pool their resources and turn back the clock; later that evening, after a hearty dose of King Floyd and bootleg hootch, a jukebox mishap catapaulted our heroes onto the charts, making the world once again safe for D.A. haircuts. And what of Jimmy Olsen?

BEER: Boy Howdy!

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