STONES GET MOSSED!

Lotsa people have had lotsa stuff to say about the Rolling Stones since the band's origin sometime around the dawn of the Industrial Devolution. Teen magazine alternately flash-drool and cross their legs over them, while teen mags for big kids, one of which is even named after the band (Bait & Tackle) examine their every twitch and sniffle for evidence of rumors. Even Sunday supplements run stories like "Mick And Bianca—The New Ernest And Ethel?," and it's whispered in publishing circles that Sadat barely nosed out Charlie Watts as Time magazine's Man Of The Year. Even Ed Sullivan once called Mick "handsome" on the air. (Of course, old Ed liked to flash aquariums too.)

Outside of the media, the loudest trombone of Stones blab has come for The Fans Themselves. Now, the number of hard-core, dyed-in-the-rags Stones fans who spend all their time trying to figure out that one line in "Satisfaction" is actually about the same as card-carrying members of the Red Brigade. But like those wild & crazy terrorists, all they have to do is make a lot of bam bam and everybody else falls into line, or falls period. Come fall, it'll be "which one did you say has the funny teeth?" time all over again.

ASK DUMMIES

The big question, after all the hype and hormones have blown over is: Do the Rolling Stones have any legitimate reason to exist at this late date other than pure dollar-slobber? While this , useless*query has been charco-broiled by the press until it's about as inviting asa virgin in jello, nobody's ever asked the non-Stones-fanatical man/woman on the street what they think. Not that anybody gives a shit, but who's left to ask? •

So with the same scientific sampling techniques used by the Neilson company to select Mass For The Criminally Insane as the nation's most-watched television show, our panel of experts (an ant psychologist, an anthropologist and an accordionist) went out and asked people just like you (heaven forbid) the burning question that's on every informed American's mind:

If you were a veterinarian with a needle full of sodium cyanide, would you put the Rolling Stones to sleep?

Hank B., lawnmower customizer: "Shit, yeah! These turkey assholes have been putting out shitty records for so long that people are goilna forget how good their old stuff was. It disgusts me, it makes me physically ill (pukes on arm to demonstrate) that all these young Stones fans are going around singing "Angie," totally ignorant of Stones classics like "Gomper," "In Another Land" and "Pass That Joint, Matey."

Fran, K., battered wife: "Oh no, they're the only band around with any sex appeal. I hear that Mick's so big that he needs a bladder ladder just to do to the bathroom. They're not all that great though. On my own personal sex-preference chart, Wyman and Watts occupy the two places above 'dead clam' and Keith cpme in behind 'microwave oven.' "

Amanda J., housewife/ bra in surgeon: "Yes, they deserve to die because they'll never be any good on TV. I mean, can you see them on "Alice," or maybe starring in a new MTM production? I can see it now, Ron Wood gets a job at a radio station in South Dakota, where he's always getting hassled by the Gruff-ButLovable Station Manager (Keith) and the Obnoxious Anchorman, played by Mick of course. You can see right off it wouldn't work. All five of 'em would wanna be Phyllis."

MaryS., correspondent: "I'd wanna kill 'em only if I could jump on 'em afterwards. Shit, I don't care what I say, ytfu're making up all these quotes anyway."

Gary B., occupation ..unknown: "Naah, I don't think so. At least they've got personalities, repulsive as they may be. The way I see it, Jagger's ■ the weiner-wagger, Watts is the bashful stockbroker type, Wyman sells angora-scented luv dolls, Richards is a cadaver at a dental college and Wood's the Beaver."

Franky Fry, character from author's past: "No, if there were no Rolling Stones then Rolling Stones Records would go out of business and who else would there be to release Bill Wyman solo albums? I always play Monkey Grip before bedtime to get my pet chimp 'in the mood!!' "

Keith R., rock musician: "You got what? Sodium cyanide? Hey man, you got any of that stuff on you now? Yeah? Is it good shit? Listen man, c'mon back to the hotel. I've got some buddies there that'll try anything!"

Rick J., "writer,": "Are you kidding? The Stones are the best press there is. If they weren't around, hacks like me wouldn't be able to earn our pinball money cranking out stupid Watts-isthe-Walrus stories. Get this, next week I'm going on a junket to England to check out the rumors about Margaret Trudeau digging up Brian Jones' grave and . . ."

NEXT ISSUE:

Charlie's awful secret, Bill after the fall, and what of Mick?