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THE MINNOW WOULD BE LOST After careful study and investigation, I have come to the conclusion THAT, Mrs. Howell (a.k.a. "Lovey" from fave T.V. show Gilligan's Island) is in real life...Blondie's mother (a.k.a. Debbie Harry)!!!! While drinking a six-pack and watching T.V. the other day, "Lovey" was singing "You Need Us" with Ginger and Mary Ann as back-ups. Now, after recording said song and playing it again and again, I have come the shocking conclusion that this is an early, primitive version of "Kung-Fu Girls". So, with the fact that "Lovey" has blonde hair, and those same distinct lips that Debbie has, 1 rest case.

(You deserve a rest. We recommend the Punky Meadows Lip Farm.—Ed.)

(And we miss chop suey in our lunch pails. .-Ed)

DRUMMING UP BUSINESS

Just writing to tell you how much I enjoyed Dave Patrick's article, "Skin Tight, Boy Howdyl's Guide To Drums" in the August 78 issue of CREEM.

I enjoy reading CREEM very much. I'm glad someone finally decided to give us heavy drum bashers a break. After a couple of years looking at guitar ads it gets a little annoying. We "skin" flints enjoy a little time in the spotlight also.

After 12 years of savagely beating on a5-piece Norma and Ludwig drum kit I decided to do some shopping around for a kit that can take the beating of hot 'n' sweaty stage lights, flash powder and 6'5" 250 pound roadies. Your article gave me a lot of needed info and help. I've come to a decision on what to pick up for my battering hands!

A Sonor 12-piece with Ludwig Atlas cymbal stands and Avedis Zildgian cymbals. Plus some Pearl "Vari-Pitch Roto-Tom cannons"...for added delight.

I think the boys in the band will go HEAD over HEAD with my decision...don't you? Sincerely yours,

Greg Vlchek Parma, OH

TOO YOUNG TO DIE In regards to the aging process of Rock Stars ...Their general DETERIORATION. Have you seen Jimmy Page lately? Jowls! Steve Miller ditto! Mick Jagger Egad! With all Zep fans jumping off cliffs (they're getting old and got nothing to rock out on) and the old Stones fans are taking their Geritol, trying to kick up their heels in arthritic exuberence in order to celebrate the Stone's 16th album, or 15th? I stopped counting. I wasn't born when the counting started. I hated Punk, New Wave, and any type fusion/anti-

melody music. I am a young, intelligent Rock fan. I am frightened. All my "heavy" cravings are satisfied with old Zep albums, I was going through puberty when they were made, 5,6,7, years later here I am, 16 years old and only plastic memories. All the pictures of Led Zep (Page) are 4,5,6, years old, 'cept for the ones that shock me. After these "grand old men" (thanks, Simon Frith) die, who am I left with when I want Riff Rock? Wild man Beck noise? Eric Clapton's album full of love songs? Shit. I tried Bruce Springsteen and Lou Reed for depth but somehow they leave me unfulfilled. The closest thing to "heavy" I've found is Ted Nugent, but only a few songs. (Unbelievers... listen to "Great White Buffalo" on Double Live Gonzo and come.) Reggae is crap. Rastamen, kiss mine. Funk bands are contrived confined pop music. I threw away my radio. Suggest to me what's good, heavy, and NEW...please, may I benefit from your broad knowledge on this subject.

Know it almost Ed Sawchuk Thunder Bay/Vancouver, CANADA (Good: Jack Daniels and Fresca; Heavy: Olga Dogs and Malteds. New: England's test tube sister.—Ed.)

WHALE NOISES FROM THE BIG APPLE

Been dazed and confused

For so long it's not true

Want a new Zep album

Don't know when it's due

Lots of people talkin'

Few of them know

Is it coming out soon

Or are they still in the studio?

Moby Dick New York, NY

(Get the spears mounted.—Ed.)

FRANKIE YANKOVIC HAD A CHILD

We have a very large enrollment of students studying "ROCK" Accordion. But we are happy to report none buy your magazine!?! Why? Because of the trivial info, and poor choice of English! It's a shame that in today's age we do not have enough1 decency and dignity. I'm sure by 1985 your magazine will not even exist. Sorry for you. No thanks.

Stanley Dalrow Acme Accordion School Westmont, NJ

(Think of it...a heavy metal "Lady of Spain!" -Ed.)

FILE UNDER EGGPLANT So how ya doin? What's this? The letters column with E-Z read print? Could that mean that you're getting fewer printable letters of laje? Is that representative of the cumulative capacity for articulation possessed by the present-day patrons of your monthly passel of pages? Well goodness, we can't have that...

Y'all haven't heard from me in awhile, but it's me, H.V., Who last saw print in your zeen in April 77 with "Schizophrenics in the Snow", my appraisal of your situation at the time. I'm now in Middleboro, Mazz. (former Cranberry Capitol of the World), and I'm here to say you folks dun got ya' shit too-gethah!

Back in Early 77 it had become distressing to buy your mag, as you'd begun to pander to the masses with your O.D. on The Dread Aerokiss...you seemed to be on your way towards making Circus Maggotzine seem sophisticated in contrast. Well toodle-oo to Darcy Diamond, wherever you went (probably sitting on handsome Jeff Goodman's face right now) (suffocate the slimy clone), and congrats to everyone of y'all for guiding CREEM through the triple-thick muck of commercial retch and emerging with your t-shirts stained, but your integrity as intact as it could probably be, considering the "level" you're on nowadays. It is definitely a joy once more to cop a CREEM each month, which I'll do until...until...uh, until I don't anymore, I guess.

Into the future,

Hawkus Voidus

(I'm not an Animal) Brockton, MA

P.S.—Hey Meester Christgau, about that "Brand new existentialist pronunciamento", "I just don't know what to do with myself' by Elvis the C? Hate to tell you but not only is it a Bacharach/David number, but it was Gary Puckett's first (and last?) Solo 45, back in 1971. Don't worry, maybe Dionne Warwick will cut "Pump It Up". Voom de voom...

P.S.S.—Hey it's definitely a smirk on the chops to see one of my letters in The Best Of s "Hall of Fame"—Captain Underlight sends his regards.

EASTER EGGS

Dear Patti: Whadaya think of your human sacrifice now?

Alex

Indianapolis, IN

SOME GIRLS!

Have this profound awareness that everyone in the World died in their sleep sometime ago (1776?) and we are all being animated by some foul spell—preservatives in our pop-tarts, or whatevfer^and no one has the heart to tell me! Only Gerry Rafferty—other revelations: Ophelia's last breathings were not as recorded by Shakespeare—she (not L. Ronstadt!) belted

out "Tumblin' Dice" before rollin' in the river— then I awoke and it was only Peter Frampton singin' "Long Unwinding Road/Day In The Life"—oh boy.

Don't just go there, save me!

Eriquat Lawrence, KS

P.S. One of my weekday lovers is having trouble with her husband, and the other split for California out of boredom(?)* Than,k the U.S. government for weekends.

*"To escape from horror, bury yourself in it"— Genet

P.S.S. I won a date with Patti Lee (or is that P. Le Smith?) in Kansas City last...—"later!" She tole me so: "Boy—!" then she sang me "We Shall Live Again!":—well? Where is she? Hu do I complain to?

(Hold it—we may have found Kerouac!—Ed.)

MOVING TO MONTANA Now that both Miwa Joh and Yuu Haga have written to you, I write to you with good English. Also could speak German. I have gone under the name of Sabojiro Takai Takashimaya for long time now. I am publishing me book "999 Ways to Cop Out" (revised) under that name. My friends and cronies at Hunter College HS and the Uncle Floyd Show and the copyright 'office know me. Everybody watch Ikkyusan, channel 47, Saturday 8:00 p.m. I can now afford to go to Japan or even back to Maine. One more thing, LED ZEPPELIN! Elliott and other religious people were real shocked when I show up in Led Zep shirt first time, they remember what I did Unholy. Well now I got four. Put lot more Zeppelin stuff in CREEM. Also, what the hell you do with my back order, the ones with the Zeppelin stories?

Sabojiro Takai Takashimaya HCHS South Thomaston, Maine, maybe the Unholy Trio is dead, re/2/15/78 P.S.—Ikkyusan has English subtitles. It is a cartoon, anyway. Hah!

P.S.S.—Punk, Disco, Kiss all very silly, since punk TONE DEAF disco shit music, and I will not say anything about KISS for Melianthe. (Has Dr. Peter Bourne prescribed anything for your terrible dreams?—Ed.)

HEAVEN CAN WILT

O.K., ha, ha, I'm laughing already. So you guys can cut out all the unkind slams on Angel, or else by the time this letter gets printed they will have cut a wound in my heart as deep as the stirring I get in my soul whenever I see Punky Meadows' dark, sexy eyes. If you can't say something nice...

Seriously Miffed,

'Cherie' Rosborough Dickinson, ND

P.S.—Where is/what is a Punky Meadows Lip farrq? P. 26, July Issue.

(Third door to the left and straight on to 1989. -Ed.)

CHECKING FOR FLEAS Please send any and all nude photos/slides/ negatives/8mm movies of Stevie Nicks. Hurry before it's too late!!

Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, all dose dere tings sooth ma soul—

Joe Auger N. St. Paul, MN

(Not until you return our Junior Scrabble.—Ed.)

DOES IT WORRY YOU TO BE ALONE?

I think the Sex Pistols were great. I like the Clash, the Dead Boys, the Buzzcocks...even the Niggers (what are they going to call themselves when they tour the South—the Coloreds?). Anyway, I really do like most of the new wave groups. Most.

Now, I'm very liberal, and I'm pretty careful about saying I hate a band's music. I've never liked any records by the Ramones. They're hilarious, but there must be cheaper ways to laugh than paying six bucks a record. Still, I didn't hate them.

I saw 'em last night. I tried to fall in love with the Ramones, but I couldn't. I don't quite know how Billy Altman can like both Lou Reed and the Ramones. I can't bring myself to fall in love with any group whose guitarist couldn't outplay my little brother on ukelele...or a Jew's harp... or a log, and don't give me that junk about the Ramones being rock's answer to minimalist art. I'm not buying. I'm not buying CREEM, either, if I see any minimalist photos of minimalist Joey or minimalist Dee Dee in the vicinity.

I don't like Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Foreigner, Bad Company, Kiss or David Bowie either. So there!

gabba gabba who?

Wes Stice II

New York, NY

P.S. The Ramones' audience here consisted wholly of twelve-year-olds and cute junior high students with cute t-shirts (covered with things like "PUNK" and draw-on slash marks!).

P.S.S. Don't feel bad...I used to live in Birmingham, too, until my father got a job.

(So he's the one who organized the Sisters for Speculums March!—Ed.)

JAMES AT 8V2

I want very much to get in touch with Miwa Joh or Yuu Haga. They are both Japanese girls who wrote to you. They both said they wanted American friends, pen pals, or whatever. No sweat, I'm a girl. 'S o.k. OK? I'm really serious. This is not another sick letter just for the hell of it. In both letters they talked like it's OK ta gimmie their mailing address. I am not somekinda wierdo, well not like you'd hafta worry about international relations or anything. Am also a student of Japanese. Also Chinese, German, and Brooklynese. I think they were serious about getting in touch with American.

Satek Surek

New York

P.S.—Where the hell are me back issues??! (We sent them to your condo on Fire Island.— Ed.)

LIKE A SPECK OF FLOTSAM IN THE JET STREAM

O.K., I hate to admit it, but I really liked the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. After seeing it, I placed it #1 on my list of favorite movies, knocking out The Wizard of Oz. Even Frampton and the Bee Gees were digestible. There were some bad points though. Billy Preston should have let the Framp fall on his pretty little face and Bee Gees attacking Aerosmith was just too much. It must have been hard for Joe Perry to stand back and be wiped out by a Bee Gee, and as far as the battle between the Framp and Steve Tyler goes, well, we all know who should have ivon!!!!

Miss Dog Breath In the Year of the Plague

Buffalo, NY

P.S. There is no such thing as Boy Howdy! Beer!!!!

P.S.S. What ever happened to Killer Kane?

(I'm sure we'll find out now.—Ed.)

DIAGNOSTIC SERVICES NOT INCLUDED

I'm worried. Last night I woke up in a cold sweat and imagined that the underwear I had draped over a chair resembled Patti Smith and Toots DeVille sharing an ice-cream cone. Am I crazy, or did my dream about being reincarnated as Debby Harry ^gynecologist really have some significance? Could I be the Walrus? Facetiously yours,

Axel Banning's alter-ego—

Mahatma Kane Jeeves Pontiac State Hospital (We hope your Blue Cross is paid up.—Ed)

TELL IT TO MISS LOWLY Do you know what America's favorite pastime is? It's BITCHING that's what it is!! Oh, do people love to BITCH! (All those letters you get at CREEM; they BITCH don't they?)...Well, hell —who am I to fight America? I'm here to bitch too; cuz I get so sick and TIRED of people telling me "Rod Stewart is your favorite singer? Oh, he's so queer!!", or "You like Mick Jagger? Well, he's a fag, you know!" BULLSHIT ALL YOU SMALL MINDED MORONS!! There's a difference between "camp" and "queer" and why do their sexual preferences MATTER, anyway? You cheat yourself out of some great listening cuz the guy who sings on the LP won't buy, might be bisexual, or worse yet, a HOMOSEXUAL!!?!!? You think it's contagious?! You're going to listen to "Hot Legs" and immediately accost your sister's boyfriend? (Who'll probably love it, because he's a big DAVID BOWIE fan and a closet queen himself, and your sister likes Patti Smith and you know what that means—BUTCH! BUTCH! BUTCH!) Will it never end? Do you know your mother likes the way Linda Ronstadt sings? Oh my God— she's a LESBIAN!! (Don't tell Dad! But then, he's having his own problems, he's a Donny and Marie fan, and that makes him...normal?)... Guess all you rock fans out there are latent homosexuals with sadomasochistic tendencies (if you listen to KISS) and they said rock music hurt your EARS!! If only THEY KNEW!! But then, they're too preocupied with eating since becoming MEATLOAF fans...

TURN TO PAGE 72

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 11

Signed with a pre-occupation

for good-looking men

(does that make me a what? A Britt Eklund

fan?)

Kathy J.W.

Biloxi, MS

P.S. Better not become a Maurice Gibb fan!! You know what that means!! "Hair today, gone tomorrow"...oh, we fans are just pawns in the hands of the famous...

P.S.S. If I become a Bob Seger fan does that mean I have to tell my mom (a Dolly Parton Fan) that her youngest daughter is gonna grow a moustache?!