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Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

SALTING SGT. PEPPER If Henry Edwards is a rock critic, I'm a friend of Rod McKuen.

Sincerely,

Robert Christgau

New York, NY

P.S. In case you're not in the know, Henry is a friend of Rod McKuen.

P.P.S. Which makes me...(I can't wait)... (...The Walrus?—Ed.)

BRYLCREEM COULD SOLVE THE MIDDLE EAST CRISIS I've already told you that my life is ruined and yoi^try to make it up to me with dates with your typesetter and now girls from Arizona. Well lookit, I applied for a subscription in October and you haven't sent me anything yet! Now what the hell did I do to you? Anyway, Marty Balin, you are a useless burnout of a fool. If you don't dig being white, then cart your ass off to Uganda and sing to Uncle Idi or sit in one of your swimming pools of shoe polish for a few years submerged, see if anyone misses ya. Too-/bad you lost an important part of your anatomy Iggy Poo, your voice even sounds higher. If you're out for yourself then stay there. You had it and you lost it. Just one more thing on punk rock, if some of you little college pukes and suburban candies would put something into it, instead of waiting for it to end, then maybe we could show that there is still a bit of unity in the blank generation, but no you'd all rather listen to your Genesis and KjTel collections. Take 'em and stick 'em. Take aill your middle of the road and jump. There's one thing you gotta say for new wave and that is that most of it tells the truth. Stop saying how great it would've been to be a teen in the 60's and see God, etc. Gef off your ass and outta your*time warp. The 70's were and arereal and are the best yet. The Sex Pistols proved what a scam everything that involves this world is^evenlhemselves. You'll never find a more honest bunch of geezers anywhere, but go ahead and give your dollars to Peter Frampton and Fleetwood Mac because they got good mellow sounds. Don't be old before your time.

Much Love,

The Subhuman Buffalo, NY

P.S. Play it Again, Sam.

P.S.S. Hello Lizzy Rose!

P.S.S.S. What's you/ typesetter's vitals? P.S.S.S.S. This is^our fault. I worked the graveyard shift in a nursing home. After a quart of Nighttrain, a Tubes concert, Black Sabbath t-shirt and reading Helter Skelter plus rushing to get to work on time 1 almost went into a coma. Someone played a Sparks alburn at 10 volume to bring me back but it was close. It's all on your head.

NEW BOOPS & PANTIES I just want to praise something I've never seen mentioned in the "Letters" section before: the pictures at the top of the CHRISTGAU CONSUMER GUIDE! Hilarious and self-explanatory. It's the first thing I look at when I open the mag. How about collecting 'em all for a gallery in a future issue? Don't forget Debby

.Harry s panties arid the Iggy Pop Fan Club!!! Snips,-

Birmingham, AL

YOU CANT TELL THE PLAYERS WITHOUT A SCORECARD I would like to clear up a couple of things because I am getting a little fed up with this Bebe, Rod & Todd nonesense (sic).

First off, Todd is not home babysitting—far from it! We have been separated since September'and are still very dear friends but just don't live together anymore. The baby is with her mommy & has a sweet, lovely nanny named Mrs. Libby. She also spends time with my family but we are very rarely apart. She is Todd's number one groupie and her daddy adores her but as far as babysitting while I globe-trot—well, thats (sic) just a load of rubbish.

Now for Rod Stewart. I haven't even seen Rod since February and all I have to say is that he was a dear friend and very helpful to me when I was going through my split with Todd.

That's all folks! So, you see, it isn't as juicy as it may look. There was a small misunderstanding with Rod but that's personal and so is all of this for that matter. But, I love my baby and I love Todd and I don't want any disrespect shown towards them. By the way, our daughter's name is Liv—born July L, 1977.

So for now, I'm working very hard on my career and on being a good mother. My daughter is my whole life!!

Sincerely & lots of love,

Bebe Buell R.

New York, NY

A SESSION WITH THE MASTERS Eureka! A very outstanding as well as ass boosting Best of CREEM (Spring 1978)! I learned a few things from it. Bangs is God, Frampton needs a sex change, and Ted Nugent is the M.F.! Congrats to Kiss who deserved worst, and no, no, no, weed was not the only way! Oh, and when you give all the Boy Howdy! (of course) shirts away please please please kick us out another Best of CREEM. Punk^rS beware! Rowdy, ball blastin' rock 'n' roll will five forever!!! So won't weed, CREEM and Lisa, and Bangs, etc....I'm so tired. Oh! Tell Susan Whitall she finally showed us the real D-O-G! Love her too! Keep CREEMing us!

KW And Me

•High and happy and lost In the Wilds,

Fairbanks, AK (Thanx!—Ed.)

MAKE 'EM LAUGH

I think your magazine is the worst piece of trash I've ever read. I've been buying your mag for the last few months until I figured out I was just wasting my money. Fbr all you loyal readers they can suck the picture of my **** that I am sending you..

Love

Your #1 Fan Red Bank, NJ

(Sorry we couldn't print your picture, although we did gef a big laugh out of it. Hope things develop for you in future. Yours.—Ed.)

MORE LETTERS FOR NOW PEOPLE Remember when rock and roll was the Pretty Things and the Stones (honorable mention to Mott The Hoople!)? Their gimmick was to disgust our parents so we'd listen. But they played good music. Now the trend is to look cute on TV so our parents will listen. And now they play disco or punk. Rock stars aren't cool unless they wear a one-piece mock tuxedo on Don Kirshner's Rock Awards...Or star on Happy Days...Or make a movie...

Can't wait to see Rod Stewart doing ads for "Piece Of The Rock" or Keith Richard for "Milk is a natural."

Yecats!

University of Michigan Ann Arbor, MI

IRON PYRITE SCANDAL DISCOVERED!

Nice try Mr. Del Ruth, but as Confucious might say, "One who try to fool, make fool of himself." At least you've succeeded at something!

ELP Fan Teaneck, NJ

GIVE US PATTI OR GIVE US CANADA!

This is for Mick Jagger, re: his Patti Smith trash.^-You pathetic old sleaze, you poser, only posers say "poseur", you boring old fart. You haven't turned out anything worth listening to in years: you're rich and you have the time tg complain, to pick on dedicated artists, genuine generators. We remember where you came from, and what you pretend to be. You wrinkle in the face of reality, you just wither and giggle. Get out of rock! Your stone has rolled over. Rest in Peace is what it sings. In the face of her pure poetry, her rock that laughs in our bodies, the corps of the raucous and rollicking, the defiant new ancient beat—you crumble. You old involuntary jerk, you cha-cha butt, go soak your teeth. Take your pills. Put cream on your face—you've lost the race. Go home. Leave us alone. We're BUSY.

And Iggy Pop! Not you, too? Et tu, Iggy! When I saw your concert last year I thanked all that I was a teenager in this era when the gods of rock walk the earth!!! Now since your stupid little blurb anti/Patti (also your limp stuff lately) I've gone into revision. I TRUSTED YOU, YOU DINK. I'm a subjective animal, and I remember slurs on those I know are true. Now I doubt YOU! Oh I give up. No I don't, screw it! Ethical Vandal Novo Rendondo Kelly Broughton

Vancouver, British Columbia, CANADA

THIS YEAR'S MORON Elvis Costello is the savior of this American teenager. 1 was not asked to my senior prom. Sounds trivial, but it hurts—deeply. If Patti Smith thinks she's God and Dolly Parton is God. then EIvj$ can be savior, king, or anything he wants.

Sincerely,

Mary Cabrall Santa Rosa, CA

CALLING MR. SIMMONS WITH THE SWASTIKA BABOON Having recently purchased the debut album of Van Halen, we noticed some very interesting facts that deserve to be pointed out to the public.

Looking at the picture on the record sleeve of bassist Michael Anthony (top right hand corner), his piercing eyes and devilish hairstyle make it extremely easy to picture him in full Gene Simmons pose, with guitar at side. We cannot overlook the resemblances between Simmons' and Anthony's facial features and style of bass playing, which is evident on "On Fire," a song that's guaranteed to bring Gene into your own living room for a private concert.

The album cover lists special thanks to Gene Simmons, which brings this letter home. Could Gene Simmons of Kiss be playing a dual role as bassist for Van Halen? If so, Gene, you just did a fantastic job because the album is spectacular!

Being avid Kiss fans, we just wondered if we were going absolutely bonkers or if anyone else has noticed the similarities between to two. Fill us in, have we just gone daffy over Kiss?

Mike Miller Bob Caylor Jackson, Ml

P S. Look to see Van Halen climb steadily in the future, they're great.

(Ah, leave us alone!—Ed)

NOW A WORD FROM BABA BOMBAST Never Mind CREEM, Here's 1978: Neither

the Beatles or the Sex Pistols will get back together. Neither the Ramones or the Rolling Stones will break up.

Jackson Browne will release a 12" 45, Greatest Hits, subtitled Late For The Bus. Paul Nelson will Call it: "the best American rock of the year, and the best record since Excitable Boy." Billy Altman: "I'm starting to think I don't like it, but don't quote me oh that." Robert Christgau: "Jackson Browne suffers from Elvis Costello syndrome—i.e. he's a little nearsighted. Contact lenses should help, and I'm looking forward (but not too far) to his next record."

Elyis Costello's second LP, This Year's Model, will be called by Paul Nelson: "Mythopoeie soft noise." Robert Christgau: "Elvis Costello suffers from Graham Parker syndrome —j.e. he's produced by Nick Lowe. The-label shift to Radar may help."

The Rich Kids will put out their debut album

and Billy Altman will rave: "Let's face it gang, with the Rich Kids album officially out and in the stores, we have reached the critical point in the 70's power pop movement—namely, are you kids out there going to fall for this shit?" Greil Marcus will quote Paul Nelson in his review: "Mythopoeic bland noise." Robert Christgau: "To call these wimps dangerous is nothing.more than a suave existentialist compliment."

The Clash's second LP will come out and Robert Christgau will call it "one of my favorite records of the week." No one else will bother to review it 'cause it'll be an import only.

Johnny Rotten will resurface as a solo artist with a single, "Kensington 246243, Call Before Six (Is .The Loneliest Number)," backed by Rat Scabies, DNV Sohl, and Family Man BaVrett. When contacted at NYC's prestigious Methadone Rehabilitation Center, Sid Vicious will explain that he didn't appear on the 45 because "I'm a lazy Sid."

Lou Reed will write a new song, "If Loving You Is Black (I Don't Wanna Be White)."

Linda Ronstadt will cover "Watching The Detectives" and "Little Triggers.Bonnie Raitt will cover "Because The Night" and Robert Gordon will cover his face in shame when he discovers that the Elvis, who wrote "Mystery Dance," which Robert wants to cover, is not the Elvis he had thought he was.

: Paul McCartney will re-issue "Silly Love Songs." No one will notice.

I'll think of a new series of pseudonyms.

Le punque vie!! (sic)

State Of Confusion (did I use that one already?)

San Rafael, CA

LOST IN THE STARS *

The King (Elvis) is dead; long live the King

(issy)-

Whaddaya think? '

•David B.

Editor, Publisher, Etc.

Alameda Weekly Crud Alameda, CA (Stinkola.—Ed.)

SPREADING IT THICK I know you won't publish this letter because you have been on The Runaways' case since day one. But at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I expressed my opinion. First of all, I disagree 100% with the dude that had the nerve to compare Meat Loaf with.The Runaways! The Rqnaways are the QUEENS OF NOISE, Meat Loaf is a meat head! The Runaways have four excellent albums out to this date, Meat Loaf has one pathetic turkey! The Runaways sound as good as they look! Meat Loaf sounds as awful as they look, especially the lead, singer! The Runaways are four foxes that play the best heavy metal rock I have ever heard! Meat Loaf sucks canal water and sounds like a brontosauras in heat! I hope that The Runaways are around forever! I hope Meat Loaf goes back to where they came from, being a BAT OUT OF HELL! The Runaways are the tops, Meat Loaf is the pits! But this is a free country and the dude is entitled to his worthless opinion! Thank you very much for allowing me to express myself! Sincerely yours,

Craig Lighthal!

Denver, CO

(Where were you when we were trying to write the Meat Loaf Profile?—Ed.)