MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept.. CREEM Magazine P.O, Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

THE UNCALLED FOR STORY

S'done occurred to me that I haven't wrote you folk in a long time (grammer bad enough for you? I wanna become a rock writer). Anyway I've got some questions, to wit:

1) Can I have pictures of your Features Editor, Assistant Editor, and Editorial Assistant? They don't have to be dirty, or anything. I just want proof that they aren't all the same person (pseudonyms for Lester Bangs or something) also cuz I think I'm falling in love.

2) Now that I've finally shelled out the money for a subscription, are you going to?...no, never mind.

3) Are there any other Status Quo fans in the world besides me?

That's enough

Sincerely yours,

Chris "Two-Year Subscription" Johnson

Webster Groves, MO

P.S. Can I write the next ELO review?

(1. Watch for them in upcoming Christqau Consumer Guides. 2. For a lifetime sub, maybe. 3. Just watch your language, buddy. P.S. Rick Johnson has an exclusiuelen-year contract on all ELO LPs.—Ed.)

TO TELL THE TRUTH On the cover of the February 1978 issue of yore magazine is that...PLEASE CHECK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:

A. Jimmy Page trying to look like Joey Ramone?

B. Joey Ramone trying to look like Jimmy Page?

C. Jimmy Page trying to> look like Jimmy Page?

D. Joey Ramone trying to look like Joey Ramone?

E. Me after my lobotomy???

All Seriousness Aside

Captain Canuck

Winnipeg, Manitoba CAN

(Well, we fooled you, didn't we? HAHAHAHA —Ed.)

JUST THE BEGINNING?

This note is a note to notify you first that "Matt Gimmick" guitarist of The End, known in earlier days before it all caught on as the Original "Punks" from Detroit , will soon be in transit from a West Coast hideout to join intellectual forces with the "FRANTIC" to discuss details of the careful reformation of the most powerful music on Earth—The End.

Your^s Truly,

A Reliable Rumour Spreader , Somewhere In The West (We knew you guys would sniff out our Detroit Guide—Ed.)

TWO-FISTED GERBER

I was just sitting here looking at some pictures of Peter Townshend. A slight problem arose. Out of five pictures, three of them have him playing right handed, the other two he's playing left handed. It was in another magazine (maybe they're just. ass-backwards). Knowing your knowledge of such notable information I've come to you to help me from my dilemma. Is Townshend ambidextrous or just screwed up?

M. McFarlane

Hamilton, Ontario

P.S. Ambidextrous means he's able to use both hands.

(1. Art departments have a secret weapon called "flipping the picture" which means if Joey Ramone's nose lists to the right it might list to the left in the magazine. 2. Still, we're all screwed up, aren't we, in the long run?.1—Ed.)

AS GOD INTENDED

OK, OK— so in dipping through old CREEMs, I come across a few shots of—uh— ANDY GIBB? Or Paul Stanley? Or-yech— Peter Perfect? Nice if I was a pubescent 12-yearold and into carrots, but howsabout something for the BIG girls? I mean, you hotdog sexists have a CREEM dream; Dolly Parton, Debbie Harry, now show some skin for the ladies. I was thinking, um, maybe Jimmy Page wearing nothing but his President Sadat t-shirt? Or Lenny Kaye playing CHERRY OH BABY on his dipstick? Or Percy Plant, holding an artichoke?

Don't just sit there, dammit! Do something!

Never Yours,

London Lady

AKA "Charlotte the Harlot"

San Francisco, CA

OH BONDAGE UP YOURS

I know now how all you poor slaves are tortured to work by the whims and tantrums of your editors (we don't name anyone, right Suzie-O?). Your demented shrieks permeate to the outside. '

One day, I actually heard a hoarse, croaking voice say the following: "Alright bawling urchins, useless fowl, get off your rumps and work, Work, WORK!" This was followed by an ununiversally scream, and a slow, curling laugh; then the sound of whips cracking, and chains rattling!

I mean, you know, what goes on? Well, actually we don't care! So what if those slaves are exhausted, we get CREEM thru their pain, and we couldn't care less how much they suffer! We just sit on our asses awaiting the next issue. So keep up the good work, Work, WORK!,

Mine,

A-he he he Jones

2nd trash can to the right, VA

AUTO COMPANIES REPORT RECORD PROFITS

OH MY GOD! QUICK, somebody tell the Ramones that Pintos (Stars Cars #37) BLOW UP. Yeah, if ya hit em in the backend—that's IT —it's to the big Bowery in the sky. Seems there's too many on the road for the government to recall, and besides, it might cause a PANIC, but it's TRUE.

Oh Joey, why didn't you take my Mercedes "when I offered it to you?

Patty Quirk

Chicago, IL

(Heeey...Pintos blowing up...punk rock, man! -EdJ

NEVER LET IT REST

I'd better write fast—before my igloo melts. So what if it's the 2nd most boring country in the world—it's not our fault—blame the Mounties, everyone else is!

Sure, being Canadian is a kick in the ass— sometimes it makes you work harder! Just look at Frank Marino and Mahogany Rush (I know— who?), they're really fantastic—and you know, if Geddy Lee's pants were a little less tight, Rush would be pretty damn good! SO THERE!

Now I feel better—I think I'll go take my polar bear for a walk, or maybe I'll rub noses with my boyfriend—AH, the pleasures of life in Canada!

Cathy Forrest

president, Save The Canadians

send all donations c/o CREEM

Winnipeg, Manitoba

(Uh, thanks, but save your bux. We'd make more money off our bbotleg Meatloaf tapes.— Ed.)

THE JUG IS IP

Where's thai 50 dollars you owe us?

The Money Loaning Co. Ltd.

1 New York, NY

P.S. Actually you owe us $51.75.

(The check's in the mail.—Ed.)

JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED

I must confess that I am an "Abba-Addict" and that is why I am writing this letter. Billy Altman should be hailed for his review of "Abba —the Album." Finally I have read a review in your very odd magazine (no offense, I like your magazine, otherwise, why would I be reading it?) that should be noted. Abba is a disease, and a disease you hope^only gets worse. To take a quote from Billy Altman, he said, "Abba makes me feel good" which is very true. (Knowing Me) Knowing you, if this letter is ever printed, you will definitely have something tacky and tasteless to say. Well, I'm ready for my Waterloo.

James Nicolas

Queens, NY

(How about if we get you and Billy together so you can feel each other's "Fernando"?—Ed.)

JOAN, DARLING

I recently observed the Runaways in concert and enjoyed it very much. I think I want Joan Jett to be the father of my child.

Paul "Pelling" Piring

San Francisco, CA

BEANS FOR BREAKFAST, BEANS FOR DINNER

It was just the other afternoon that I whittled upon the very brain gristle of what constitutes all that is current and how I might apply myself to it when the gleaming eggshell Mercedes of inspiration did a spectacular burn-out on my frontal lobes.

"Why," thought I, "are such blurts of the cosmic spasm as Johnny Rotten able to capitalize on acne when the rest of society, missing the mark (from 8 to 5), accept the meniality of waiting for Friday to cash the check to buy a tube of Clearasil (often for the wife and kids, too)?"

At this point I determined that the only avenue of escape was to derail this and all trains of thought so as to arrive at the collisionistic rapture of random synapses. Gazing at a somewhat distant hotcake of cow waste, (I was lazing on a hillside pasture somewhere off the California Coast) I arrived at what could be cataclysmic connection: strings of fecal straw imbedded therein and Richard Nixon!

Like, think of it, man! Political hypocrites are steamy! Carter is the sun-baked crust! Presidents are flaccid! And dig this: that yonder heap of contemplation would perfectly suit the photograph for the label on the record!!!

Hey—it's crazy enough^-the kids would eat it up.

What do you think?

Richard Rangk

Costa Mesa, CA

(We think that you are full of that of which you speak.—Ed.)

CHANGING GEARS

Wow! Am I impressed! CREEM gets the Scoop of the Year! I refer of course to Stars Cars #37, the Ramones, April 1978. At first, of course, I just drooled all over the pic but when I cleared the spit away I realized SOMETHING WAS AMISS. Not just Tommy's let's-showevery-pimple grimace; or the touch of—flowers —in the vicinity of Dee Dee's cuff. No, this was a radical departure. Being a graduate of the Legs McNeil School of Famous Detectives, I knew the only way to get to the bottom of this problem was to drink one of those cute little half-pint Cokes so I did and then got down to serious stuff like actually looking at the picture. I'm pretty astute so about two days later it hit me: JOEY'S WEARING UNRIPPED JEANS!!!! No doubt this means the times they are a changin', hey Joe?

Punk you,

The State of California

P.S. Just want you to know you also copped Scoop of the Year (Runner-Up) with your good review of Renaldo and Clara. What's next in line—a good review of Works, Vol. 2?

(Don't count on it.—Ed.)

HOUND LEGS

I saw Queen. It was an all-right show, but I had 2nd row tickets & was forced to look at Brian May's legs for nearly two hours straight. Brian May has the ugliest damn legs I have ever seen. They look like dog arms with shoes on the paws. I love your mag.

Signed,

Friend of Bill Nelson's illegit daughter,

Houston, TX