MAIL

MAIL

Pleose send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magozine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

F.Y.I.

As Ralph J. Gleason once said, “music is the glue that holds civilizations together.” CREEM is the publication that holds my perspective together. Without it, I should probably take all these horribly decadent fads and fashions ultra-seriously. But CREEM is the embodiment of self-parody, which I love, and that combined with some very creative (if occasionally uncohesive) writing it makes my favorite magazine.

At any rate, I’ll attempt to stop picking you apart and start enjoying you. But first, some complaints (obvious though they are):

1) Billy Altman stinks.

2) Lester Bangs is a genius (yes, that is a complaint).

3) Your covers are getting less and less appealing.

And some compliments to make up for them:

1) Your type is beautiful; exactly like Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.

2) You are culturally and historically important.

3) 1 love the letter section (hint, hint).

However, you haven’t had Dylan on the

cover for ages, and you’ve never had an interview with Spielberg. Ha ha.

Eternal Love,

Natasjia Gordon -

Fairfax, CA

P.S. Do you really believe in punque rocque?

P.P.S. Does anybody?

(Ever think of finding a peh pal?—Ed.)

IS IT MEMOREX?

1 am writing this letter, providing procedure whereby, my name was reviewed in your magazine in the January 1978 issue.

My name is Robert Curtis .Van Cleve, remember—the said imposter who took the name of Mr. David Bowie, the British rock star & actor. I impose your magazine with regard of not a true fact or facts, about my statutory classification which arbitrarily excludes some but not all of those similarly situated in relation to legitimate purpose of my statute does not necessarily invalidate entire true facts, about my matter, or my look-alike, this confused me and 1 know it confused the real “David Bowie”!

I request your magazine better look into this matter, this is very important, and get this mess of such defendant under a commitment issued here—under my name, upon which defendant was delivered to prison for one count of 3056 P.C. in violation of one count of parole—not 18 counts of parole violation. I am in prison for a six month term, one count of parole by the act of failing to keep my agent informed as to my whereabouts.

Sir, I am “highly irritated” by this magazine.

I didn’t score $250,000 in cash and securities, also didn’t scam a trip to Hawaii, this is verifiable by my parole officer and Los Angeles Police Dept. My aka is Shannon Van Cleve, , my eyes are blue, also my eye is dilated as Mr. Bowie’s is. I could also pass for his twin. I couldn’t hurt him, I have great love for him and the space music he does! I sing and write music myself, I wish to do a space movie someday with Mr. Bowie. I have never impersonated Mr. Bowie, my friends just think I am the freaky British rock star because of my look-alike! When Bowie was on TV my mother even said we look a little like brothers!

Respectfully submitted,

Robert Curtis Van Cleve AKA Shannon Van Cleve (Mr. Van Cleve—anything to help.—Ed.)

FERNWOOD FLAX B. HOWDY

Last week on Forever Fernwood Boy Howdy! was mentioned twice in two nights! What’s going on?

Also who was on your Feb. cover? It was either Joey Ramone or Jimmy Page but I couldn’t tell.

George Custer Oakland, CA

{Don’t you think the revealing cheesecake of Martin Mull in this issue is a good comeback? As to the Feb. cover, the point is: who do you want it to be? Go with your feelings on this one.—Ed.)

HOLD THE HOT SAUCE

After reading in Dec.’s “Rock ’n’ Roll News” of M. Jagger’s quotes on Patti Smith (“...I think she’s awfuL.she doesn’t look like a street girl to me...”), I got thinking well, if anyone, he should know. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t it Ol’ Fish Lips who married some South Of The Border Variety (I’m not racist!) who looks like she came off the street but acts like she’s still working it (thachacha)?

Nevertheless, I will continue reading C REEM, for if I didn’t, who in the hell would send in these acute observations, eh boys?

Sincerely Mine,

The Honourable Mz. Phyl Pasadena, Anywhere, U.S.A.

P.S. I caught Lisa Robinson on the Tomorrow show, chatting with Tom Snyder about dear Bianca left “pining back in N.Y.,” while Ol’ Fish Lips was beachcombing in Barbados with model Jeri Hall. I do commend Lisa for her simply abbreviated performance, but did you catch Tom shaking his finger at the monitor in closing, wrenching from his mouth “naughty, naughty, Mick’? Will wonders ever cease? For Snyder ratings (and M. Jagger’s wife)...I HOPE NOT!

A MENU FOR MISANTHROPES

Since it has become rather fashionable in recent months for readers of your scholarly publication to reel off amazingly clever lists pertaining to a recurrent theme and submit them as letters, I would like to submit one of my own; one that would outdo Jack Cassidy of Hell, Michigan, and Lee O. Pard of Newark, New Jersey. Here it goes—see if you can catch the recurrent theme amidst the list of the following rock groups/musicians:

The Small Faces; Captain Beefheart; The Talking Heads; Badfinger; Heads, Hands, and Feet; Roy Head; “Legs” Larry Smith; Toe Fat; Skin Alley; Heart; Fanny; Aorta; Bloodrock; Bloodstone; Gordon Lightfoot; Eric “Slow Hand” Clapton; “Hand”-some Dick Manitoba; The Liverpool Sound; Little Feat; Lothar and the Hand People.

Honestly, I just could be the world’s answer to cleverness. Do you think your readers can “stomach” this sort of humor?

Sincerely,

“Doctor” Horowitz

North Brunswick, NJ

(Frankly, we thought you could be the world’s answer to Meatloaf.—Ed.)

RUSH GROUPIE LOCATED

I’m writing about your Feb. 1978 issue, pages 14-16. I don’t know if the people who rate the albums are deaf or just plain dumb. Punk Rock SUCKS and that’s all there is to it. When the Ramones get an “A” and Rush gets a “D”... well, I’d like to murder the person who gave them marks. Rush is great and the Ramones Suck. I’m sure Geddy, Alex & Neil must feel the same way as I do. I mean the Ramones & Rush are completely different. It should be “Rush A+” and “The Ramones Z.” I think Rush has been insulted badly. I think CREEM Magazine is excellent but you should do something about whoever is responsible for them ratings. Thank you.

A Rush Fan

Providence, RI

(Good idea. Maybe we’ll raise his salary.—Ed.)

FROM A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY

I just happened to read a copy of your filthy magazine the other day. I can’t believe you get pleasure out of writing about these sickies.

It’s a sad day when a young person can’t even turn on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand because of the obscene song lyrics.

But just as the Lord promised in the Bible a new kingdom of the righteous is forming all around the world. I offer as proof the success of Christian Debby Boone’s latest single and album. It’s very fortunate that young people have talented musicians like Debby to listen to instead of the noise that the so-called musicians you write about force on the public.

Don’t you people ever think about what you’re doing to yourselves and to impressionable young people who deserve more than the destructive way of life, you promote in your magazine?

Wake up before it’s too late!

Pricilla Prentz

Waco, TX

P.S. I was amazed at the number of girls who work for your magazine. After they finish working for you probably none of them will be worth marrying. Wake up girls!

(Susan: “My boyfriend agrees with you.” Linda: "My father agrees with you.” Cathy: "My husband agrees with you." Anyone doubting the veracity of this letter may inspect it at the CREEM offices in Pago Pago during business hours.—Ed.)

RINGO UNMASKED!

Would you please send me a winners’ list for your “Kiss Unmasked!” contest that was advertised in the March ’76 issue of CREEM Magazine? Thank you.

Sincerely,

Martin J. Starr

St. Paul, MN

(No, Ringo, you didn’t win.—Ed.)

ITS ALIVE?

I have been wondering for a long time about the album Presence of Led Zeppelin’s. On the cover there is a family of people at a table and in the middle is this object, it is black and weird, and they all stare at it. In the middle of the cover and on the back every picture has it, and the people stare at it. Can you please tell me what it is?

Wondering & Waiting,

Saugus, CA

(Elton John’s first rug.—Ed.)

NOWHERE LAND

I’m writing from a city which has only had four good bands come in the past year: Rush, The Doobie Brothers, Bjue Oyster Cult and Black Oak Arkansas. I think the wildest partying town in West Texas should be able to prove itself to some of the other super bands around that we’re the greatest audience in Texas. So stop overlooking us when it comes time to make up your touring schedule. Don’t forget Odessa.

J.B.

Odessa, TX

(We’re sending Sirius Trixon and the Motor City Bad Boys C.O.D. You’re welcome. -Ed.)

PISTOL WHIPPED

Billy Altman’s review of the Sex Pistols album was a fine piece of work. I am gla<| to hear that nowadays and put down what he thinks nowdays and not make it sound like a sneering diatribe on what it is to be young and feeling young and just plain feeling. That the Pistols’ music comes across as angry and frustrated, full of pent up aggressions, isn’t new to those people who have followed the New Wave since its beginnings^

Let us hope this wonderful moment isn’t commercialized by imitators jumping on the bandwagon.

God save Johnny Rotten and the Pistols and let’s hope they stay the uncomprom-. ising young gentlemen they are.

R.A. Smola

Omaha, NE

(Malcolm? Is that you?—Ed.)

HAPPY TALK

Bravo Mark Gelowitz! ‘Bout time you stuck up for us! Hey Yanks! Do you want to hear rock “par excellence’? Buy an APRIL WINE album. If you don’t love it...write me, and I’ll ship you five bucks and a straightjacket. I’ve been with the band for 3 LPs and we could crack the U.S. market, but we are happy with our Canadian status.

Sincerely,

Steve Lang

Bass, vocals

April Wine

Montreal, Canada

(Stay where you are—and you keep the straightjacket.—Ed.)

CHEAP THRILLS

Thought you might like to know that Patti Smith slowed down from 45 to 33 (like, say, on her “My Generation” maxi-single) sounds just like John Cale. Even fooled a rabid Cale fan with it; yuk yok.

Also, “God Save The Queen” played backwards has John Rotten singing “Merry Christmas Mick Jagger” at the beginning, if yoU speed it up to 78.

Yours,

Steven Grant

Madison, WI

RAW POP

I don’t believe in rock magazines, as a rule, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank you so much for your recent coverage of the illustrious IGGY POP. The photographs have been wonderful, even if one “can’t believe everything he reads.”

In an age where plastic, gimmickry, and arrogance seem to reign supreme in the “rock world,” it is so refreshing to see a performer who is honest, straight-forward, and holds no byars. Unlike the Stones and others who have sought to make rock an aristocracy, IGGY POP has brought the raw energy home where it belongs—to the people. THANX.

Kelly Brock

Sacramento, CA

(Awright already—we get the point!—Ed.)

STORMY WEATHER

H’lo. I like ydur magazine pretty much, with a few exceptions...In your Feb. ’78 Vol. 9 mag. I was pretty P.O.’d when I read the paragraph with Dolly Parton’s pinup. The first sentence read, “You can take your picture of Kiss unmasked and you can put them where the sun don’t shine.”

Personally, I hate Dolly Parton, but just because I have a fantastic picture of Kiss (of course, they’re all fantastic, with or without makeup, so they’ll top Dolly any day), I wouldn’t say anything to put D. Parton down. It’s different now...

Anyway, I think Billy Altman (I think he wrote the asshole article) can eat his words and put himself where the sun don’t shine. But if B. Altman didn’t write it (my apologies), whoever did can eat his (her) words and put himself (herself, although I don’t think a female would talk about “the twin engine buoys keeping Dolly afloat, has a navel underneath her monumental overhang,” and that “we all know and lust after”) where the sun don’t shine.

A teed off loyal Kiss fan,

Newton, KS

(Susan Whitall: “Oh yeah?”)

GIMME GIMME

Before you decide to insult me, remember I subscribe and waste a lot of other money on your “for sale” stashes...so just relax and give this kid a break. OK. First of all I’d like to say your Feb. issue was as good as a shit after six months of constipation. (Old joke but bear with me.) Second, I think it could be...? cute...if you made t-shirts on “Eleganza” for us female readers...or even “Extension Chord” t-shirts... cute? huh? cute...? well—I’d buy ’em, which means an extra buck or two in your pocket... and third...I agree with your typesetter...I’d like to know more about this Mr. “Subhuman”...

Boy howdy—and all that other good stuff.

Lizzi Rose

Sedona, AZ