(Well, someone had to do it and we wanted to be the first. So here 'tis, CREEM's first installment of the who to know, what to know and how to know of the rock music biz. Be sure to stay tuned for more informative tips—the. record company, contracts, legalities, publicity — and a whole lot more!—Ed.)

Someone says, "I want to be a rock & roll star."

I tell them, "Kid, be a doctor or a lawyer. You'll do better."

They think I'm kidding. I'm not. Most rock stars end up pumping gas.

In the rock & roll biz tight pants count more than talent, musical ability doesn't much matter, and as for job security, you're better off putting on a rubber nose and going to work for Ringling Brothers.

Rock & roll is for outlaws, misfits, high school dropouts, and lunatics. Especially if they're cute.

In fact, rock & roll isn't one of the more high class forms of show biz. It's not as sleazy as tent-show burlesque or topless dancing; I'd say it's more on the level of diving off the end of the Steel Pier into the Atlantic Ocean on horseback four times a day.