DRIVE-IN SATURDAY

DRIVE-IN SATURDAY

Doable Feature!

Edouard Dauphin

Locusts and ants. Thats what were serving up this month. And you deserve to gag on em. Especially if youre dumb enough to waste your time on Exorcist II: The Heretic and Empire Of The Ants, a pair of pukers that could give bad movies a bad name.

Remember the original Exorcist? It starred Linda Blair before she became rock and rolls answer to Elizabeth Ray-. In those days, Linda was still trying to get on the backstage list for Little Jimmie Osmond.

Times have changed. So has Linda. Shes got tits now. But theres absolutely no truth to the rumor that she bequeathed her training bra to Patti Smith.

The script to this picture should have been bequeathed to Goodwill Industries. Or maybe the pages could have been recycled to make Don Hos Greatest Hits album jackets.

Anyway, you know the original story, right? This fat brat gets possessed by the devil and all hell breaks loose. Well, as the ad said: “Its four years later—what does she remember?" Not much. Shes even forgotten how to barf up that green bile—sort of a cross between pistachio and guacamole—that looked so yummy.

So where is she? Where do you think? If you guessed a couch in a shrinks office, you win the prize—a safety pin—and you can stick it up your nose.

Richard Burton plays a Roman Catholic priest who becomes obsessed with the events of the past, and determined to recreate them in the present. Hes something like the Ralph Nader of the clergy.

Through the miracle of a twoheaded device called synchronized hypnosis, Burton and the shrink (played in a perpetual trance by Louise Fletcher) plunge Linda backward in time to a nightmare inhabited by locusts and thousands of small, black extras.

Linda has a rough time of it, back in the early 70s once more. Isaac Hayes, Lee Michaels, Bobby Sherman, . Santana, Bill Withers, Bloodrock, Paul Stookey (need I go on?). .

The finale brings Burton and Linda back to the present and the scene of the crime—the room in which the original horrors took place. For the record, we discover for the first time the address of the house Satan calls home—8 Prospect St., Washington, D.C. (there goes that neighborhood).

To the accompaniment of a musical score that sounds like Nico and The Velvet Underground underwater, Burton wrestles with the devil in a bedroom setting that none of his previous romantic entanglements could have adequately prepared him for. Liz Taylor may have rocked the bed, but at least the walls and ceiling didnt fall away.

At press time, there have already been three endings affixed to this movie, all done through hasty editing based on widespread audience dissatisfaction. My own ending came when I abandoned the film in its closing moments, heading out to 42nd St. and Eighth Ave., where horror pictures arent made—theyre born.

Got ants in your pants? Things could be worse. You could have Empire Of The Ants, a new delicacy from the folks who brought us Food Of The Gods. In other words, Bert I. Gordon and company are back, and once again miniature sets are in danger.

H. G. Wells is dead but his works live on. If you call this living. Empire has been updated to the present and placed in a location that looks suspiciously like northern California. Joan Collins (getting old) plays an unscrupulous real estate developer who tries to sell a wasteland to a group of nouveau riche alcoholics. This bunch is so sleazy they could double for the Kiss Japan press entourage.

The zombies on this junket look like theyd buy anything—maybe even this picture. But Joan hasnt bargained for a horde of ants that have been nibbling on radioactive material like it was Reeses Cups.

These arent chocolate ants, .however, so you cant eat them for dessert. These are main course ants. Theyre large. Theyre ravenous. Theyre members of the Screen Actors Guild. Sound pretty interesting? You probablyJike Cheech & Chong a whole lot, too.

The giant ants terrorize the actors. The actors look disinterested. The director looks for his pay check. The audience looks for the nearest exit.

Exterminate Empire Of The Ants and snort up whatevers left of the Raid.