mail

mail

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

UPTIGHT ABOUT HER TIGHTS

Every time I play Kiss and lay back and get those sounds through the phones, I think of the super-looking woman in the Danskins. I thought you showed star form, to say the least. Simmons was right about your legs. I loved your article and am glad it made the Best of CREEM, it was more than worthy. I’d appreciate if possible some pictures of you—a la basic and donning your Kiss costume. It’s great to know you look as good as you write. I picture you as abstract conceptions and ideas, so continue to be!

Frank

Malibu, CA

P.S. Hope you don’t Consider this gauche? (Jaan Uhelzski: “I consider this perverse and that’s why / love you.”)

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

I’m writing this letter to say that 1 think CREEM is a sensational magazine. When 1 go to a newsstand, I am very proud to purchase one of America’s most popular magazines.

Keep writing all the top news on everyone’s favorite stars such as: the Eagles, K.C. and the Sunshine Band, A1 Stewart and-Styx. The magazine could be a little better if you would print more concert and tour schedules. Please continue to publish this magazine for many life times and keep up the terrific work.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my letter and thanks for putting out an all new fad for the now generation.

Sincerely yours,

Tammy Duffourc

Marrero, LA

(Wow! Sounds like a great magazine...could you please send us a copy?—Ed.)

A TRUE IDENTITY REVEALED I know that Ed is really Lester Bangs’ grandfather Edwardo Guadalupe, and a real humbug who fled Cuba when Castro took over and came to America as a refugee. Now he’s on welfare and even gets food stamps. Lester was so ashamed of him that he changed his own last name to ‘Bangs.’

I also happen to know that there IS no CREEM headquarters or any kind of office where your staff works. You’re all just a bunch of munchkins who scribble those stories and reviews while sitting under mushrooms somewhere in Munchkin Land. This I know because 1 tried to telephone your office one day, and I got Kentucky Fried Chicken. Your gig is up, boys.

Love yas anyways,

Diane

Woodside, NY

(Not quite. Lester only changed his first name...and by the way, could you send us our address so we will know where we are?Ed.)

CHEWED OUT BY GUMBIES

Regarding the Emerson, Lake & Palmer works, volume 1 record review—assigning Air-Wreck Genheimer to suss out that recording was like having the Red Rose Tea chimps analyze Freud. Please leave the lovers of Works, we, the gumbies of this culture, alone. Love,

Gail Parenteau

Bamboo Advertising

Southfield, Ml

P.S. I’ll be over tomorrow to borrow back my Cliff notes.

(Fortunately‘or not, tomorrow never comes.— Ed.)

THE IG GETS ANOTHER ZIG DIG In response to your review of Iggy Pop’s The Idiot, it’s obvious to see that the idiot is David Bowie who ruined what could have been a good album.

A P-O’ed fan

Dearborn, MI

(Wrong, quiz kid. Bowie helped turn what could have been a good album into a great album. They call your sister ‘Midnight.1—Ed.)

SIMON IS A SIMIAN

Simon Frith has got to be the most cynical being on This earth! If the music business bothers him so much, why doesn’t he go back to pulling' the wings off of flies?

J. P.’s biggest fan,

(No puns about size, you guys.)

Minneapolis, MN

(If Simon ever had a gig as good as the insect mutilation you mention, why would he leave it for what he has now?—Ed.)

A BUNT IN OUR ZUNT

Why doesn’t your staff of imbeciles who think they’re hot because they can criticize people on paper and then go hide behind your mommie’s skirts drop dead? You’re jealous because you’ll always be a passel of nobodies whom no one has ever heard of, nor ever will! A pack of prancing fools who don’t realize that the people who buy your magazine are the same people who buy pet rocks.

R.C.P.

Northern Virginia, VA

P.S. Just to prove how proud you drooling milksops are of your stupidity, you’ll no doubt print this letter!

(Stupid, maybe...prancing fools, definitely; but what do you call your litter of rocks?—Ed.)

TAKE THAT BACK!

I’ve made a-terrible mistake. It’s Viva who comes from Syracuse, not Ultra Violet, and she’s Catholic not Jewish. Give me a break, they all look alike.

Also, could you confirm my deep suspicion that CREEM is actually run entirely by women who have been smart enough to feature, to a large extent, men for essentially political reasons as well as preserving the dignity of their sex, like the SLA did? I think I would like that very much.

Much affection and Love,

Dale A. Hoyt

Marcellus, NY

(Thanks for writing your own retraction. As far as your suspicion; all the men at CREEM are definitely males...it’s whether they’re human or not that we can’t be sure of.—Ed.)

LED ZEP ZAPS

Jimmy Page looks as healthy as my grandfather. He died six months ago.

Signed,

Jake Fletcher

Toronto, Canada

(And you’re still keeping him around the house? -r-Ed.)

FOR A NICKEL WE WILL

To whom it may concern (if you guys ever get concerned about anything except who’s going to buy your next case of beer for you):

We (your loyal and dedicated readers) are aware that your magazine is not all that devastatingly popular, and we also sincerely doubt that you get much mail, fan or otherwise; okay, we know you are pitifully short of available letters to print. 1 am referring to one certain letter in your June 77 issue that states, “The reason Kiss wear make-up is to hide the fact that they are actually Slade,” from Black Bart. Now unless there is a clogged valve in my brain somewhere, I distinctly remember reading that same letter printed in one of your issues only a few months ago. I’ve heard of reruns of TV, but never of reruns on letters. Either you’re pulling some slick shit on us or I am wrong. (Come on now, be honest; if I’m wrong, I’ll admit it and apologize. But 1 won’t apologize if you don’t print my letter.) So is it a used letter or not?

Passionately yours,

Carrie U. Manchester (When I find out where I live I’ll tell you) P.S. The REAL reason Kiss wear make-up is to hide the fact that they’re actually 75 year old men. Who can you trust if you can’t trust me? (Please don’t answer that.)

(You’re wrong. But we don’t care if you admit it ’cuz we wouldn’t print your apology under any circumstances. Don’t you know most people pay us to get their letters in this magazine? -Ed.)

SIAMESE TWINS, MAYBE?

Nyaah Nyaah. Y’all can’t fool this ol’ Southern boy. Don’t give me none of this “Is Klaatu the Beatles” crap when I’ve discovered something even more earth-shaking: I HAVE SOLID PROOF THAT ROB TYNER AND HANDSOME DICK MANITOBA ARE THE SAME PERSON! I base my claim on the following:

Note the similar hairstyles, caused by Tyner/M^nitoba sticking his finger into an AC outlet. Note further that Manitoba always wears sunglasses when someone takes a closeup photo of him; these don’t show off the easily identifiable White Panther contact lenses he’s wearing. Like the “Paul is dead” scam there are even clues to.the Tyner/Manitoba mystery on record. After all, dincha ever notice that “Master Race Rock” is really an updated version of “Rocket Reducer No. 62” with some Ramones-ish “Let’s Go” cheerleading thrown in instead of “Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa”? Furthermore, both songs occupy the same location on their respective discs, Side One Band Four. Willie G.

Montgomery, AL

(That's nothing! We have proof that Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Alice Cooper are really just disguises for Frank Zappa.^ Ed.)

DEFENSE TACTICS

One day when I was down at my not-so-local dime store mine eyes befell upon your copy of CREEM as I lifted up the last issue of Playgirl. I passed my eyes over it and decided to buy it (since I had heard of it before from unmentionable resources). Weill, I never made the mistake of buying it again. Noo, 1 resorted to the art of thievery. Well, things were slidin’ along fine until the fatal day came. Yes, not only did I see your usual month’s edition of CREEM, but there, right before my eyes, sat your SPECIAL Rock ‘N’ Roll EXTRAVAGANZA! (Collector’s Edition.) Well, I’ll tell you, I just got so excited that l almost lost all anal muscular passage control right then and there! I wasted no time in stuffin’ the rags down my pants but as I passed by the cash register I guess they musta noticed I looked a little fatter around the waist then I did when 1 came in. The clerk kindly asked me ta lift up my shirt as 1 proceeded to scream about my rights and amendments, but to no avail. Yes, ypu might say I wuz caught with my pants down. Anyway, the little creep (who smelt like Ted Nugent’s underwear) dragged me on down to the “Pigs bin" while lecturin’ me on the bad and evil ways of us demented, profusely pot-oozing, beer-breathing teeny boppers! As I arrived at the police station 1 was asked a numerous amount of. questions upon which one of them was, “Why did you do it?” 1 simply replied, “Because, lard ass, it’s America’s only rock ’n’ roll magazine!"

To this day 1 still don’t understand what that means and believe me, neither do they!

Gettin’ My Ya Yah’s Out!

Karin-Marie Griffits Bogota, NJ

(You are living proof that you don't have to understand it to enjoy itEd.)

COPY CAT BRATS 1 really didn’t think you all were such pinheads, but 1 finally have to tell you all. Last year 1 talked to Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee, and Tommy and they revealed it all.

Ya see, they got upset about ten years ago because those limeysfthe Beatles, came here to steal our money.' It was all a plot of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles (they were still ticked because we won the war). Anyway, the boys in black teamed up with the C.l.A. to show the Anglo Saxons how to Rock ’n’ Roll!

Now look at all those guys (Clash, Sex Pistols, etc.) copying our boys! Ha-ha. At least they know what’s good. If 1 was one of them I’d drown myself in gin.

Gabba-Gabba Hey,

C. Carroll Milwaukee, WI

(We always thought we were allies!?Ed.) /

LOGORRHEA LIMBO First, let me say that I read every copy of yer mag from front to back. I tried other methods, like top to bottom, but they all ended up sounding like Patti Smith lyrics or something.

Second, let me see, does Anita Bryant want to deny fair housing to Wayne County or just to homosexuals in general?

Third, see my way, I would like to publicly denounce ELO for using “Living Thing” to needlessly cut down a fine group like the Doobie Brothers. What a terrible thing “Toulous” INDEED!

Fourth, see Spot run. I really hate Billy Altman. 1 hate him so much it makes me sick. Yuk. I hate him so much that I’ve never even read any of his articles.

Love, Kisses and Run for daylight,

Michael “Mister Ainusement Himself”

Waters

Eastman, GA

(First, an absurd action that is humorous and sometimes true. Second, a touchy issue. Third, nonsense. Fourth, complete nonsense. —Ed.)

PASSPORT TO NOWHERE t'

If 1 send you my passport, will you show it to Jimmy Page?

Thanks,

P;A.C.

Columbia, MD

(No, but we'll sell it.—Ed.)lljffit