Rock Stars Talk Back

As the Polish Prince protested to me down at Detroit's Masonic Auditorium, moments after ejecting myself and a rock critic friend (in his capacity as a security guard), "I don't treat women like that. I don't treat rock writers like that, either." Well, I'll swear on his burgundy van that he did throw us out, and if women are the niggers of the world then rock writers are the garbagemen of Mars, forever doomed to clean out the kitty litters of the mind. To everybody but rock musicians, who think us stoned-out junkies wearing kooky dark shades, talking in faded bebop lingo, invoking endless literary and cinematic metaphors in endless, flatulent five-finger exercises thought up by bored editors to keep themselves in Marlboro Lights and short ribs. Of course, they are right. We have decided to torture said rock musicians further by making them express their thoughts on rock writers in print, which usually only confronts them on the menu of the Continental Hyatt House coffee shop.. .but who are we to laugh at the frailties of others? We have wiped their noses and corrected their spelling, and the results follow. Editor (and Field Marshal) Patti Smith has contributed her thoughts, as well.—Ed.

STEVEN TYLER / AEROSMITH LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "No comment."

RORY GALLAGHER

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: None.

AND SO ON.. . A writer (he doesn't want to name the writer or publication—you know who you are) once traveled on the road with Rory for a few days; not only did he think that Rory was Roy Buchanan for the whole trip, but he wrote the feature article up that way.. .Roy Buchanan, Guitar Whiz.

KIKIDEE

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "I am. " ;

ANY BAD EXPERIENCES? "Fortunately, not so far. Of course, L don't always like what people say about me, but I feel everyone is entitled to his own opinion."

(The humble, gracious Kiki earns herself the wet noodle award—Ed. )

GENE SIMMONS / KISS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Your -mother's sister. Ben Fong-Torres."

ON SECOND THOUGHT: "We haven't got a least favorite. Everybody is great and wonderful.. .we don't care what they write about us as long as they keep writing about us."

(At this point the Batliz's mom brought him a piece of cake for dessert so he had to sign off—Ed.)

TODDRUNDGREN

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Steve Lake"

(Melody Maker).

AND SO ON.. ."I don't like Steve Lake because we make his job so easy and he makes our job so hard. He went to the trouble of doing an interview, an album review and a concert review—just to pan us. American critics? Lester doesn't bother us too much anymore. I can't think of any American critic who's been consistently out to get us. They usually rotate with each album.

TOM WAITS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "This is called your franchised rock critic or a subsidiary thereof. There is a whole chain of them. His name used to be Richard Ferguson, but he has changed it to something like Wax Platter. And that's who he is."

AND SO ON... "He was one of those kinds that walked in wearing tight ancient denim with patches all over, that say 'legalize pot'. You know, with rolled-up gym socks stuffed in his crotch, and an aggravated sinus condition with post-nasal drip. All kinds of rocks and bells and feathers hanging around his neck, carrying a purse, and every other word was 'hey man'. I figured he was obviously operating with an unfurnished apartment. In other words, the line was busy, the lights were on, but no one was home. Definitely a quart low. His parents probably couldn't read, either. I immediately realized he only knew three chords and his batteries were dead. So I told him the highest hand in poker is deuces and a razor blade. I gave him a George 'Crying in the Streets' Perkins album, lit up a cigarette, and walked back to the hotel."

THE EAGLES

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lester Bangs, Kris Nicholson, Dave Marsh, Timothy White, Greil Marcus, Stephen Holden, Billy Altm^p, Jim Girard—etc., etc." AND SO ON.. ."Our time can be spent in much more valuable ways than writing about these little parasites— like watering the lawn or taking a shit." [Glenn, Don and Joe took time out from their lawnwork to sign this personally—Ed.)

LOU REED

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "I think they're all fantastic."

OUEST BAUDELAIRE?

Critic does not mean criticize. It means to open the eyes. To be the translator of the demon of creation... transforming the seed into a substance soluble and palatable so that the people may eat.

In the past it has been the critic, one who could see for miles. The, unfailing vision of Baudelaire. The critic who trumpeted the space and light of the future. The whirling noise that saturated the jail house walls with the rock of right.

Moving through the fat veins of corporate tyranny with loaded cylinders we shot them up but good.

We raised the radio, the alternative tongue, the rock press, hard and fast and totally true . Today the dull ravings that spill from the sluggish mouth of the established rock press are literally linguistically splitting us apart. Sad atoms in-space.

The people are hungry to gnaw on the growing flesh lining the escape root to subliminal ascension, to break through the sleeping skin of false communication.

As for me, I am honored to be screaming at a rock concert, I am honored to write for a rock 'n' roll magazine, and I am honored to perform on a rock 'n' roll stage. All three rhythms inside of me—the critic, the artist, the people, have one goal; total abandon, total communication, and to be truly, totally ready to go into the spinning fluid void where the light flakes and lands on the bank of pleasure.

Going for broke

Hope I'll reach you there

l feel the people

But ou est Baudelaire

Patti Smith

R.E.F.M. *

' Radio Ethiopia Field Marshal

CRArF si irw

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "No one. I like anyone who isn't boring. My favorite is Lester Bangs."

PAULKANTNER

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: (Choking noises).

BLONDIE

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lance Loudmouth, the Kirk Douglas of R&R".

AND SO ON.. ."We once threw ice water on Legs McNeil when he was getting laid in a hotel room in Wilmington, Delaware but that may not count. Also, what famous rock critic had his dick burned off or just parts of it?—Love, Blondie"

MITCH RYDER

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Ican't really think of anybody except Air-Wreck [Genheimer]. All I can think of bad to say about him is that whenever he calls me up to go somewhere he's always with a mob of guys."

TOM SCHOLZ / BOSTON

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: 4>Ken Emerson. He was real nasty."

JANISIAN

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Robert Christgau."

CHARLIE DANIELS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Robert Hilburn [L.A. Times], and all the -Rolling Stone record reviewers." AND SO ON. .."Those Rolling Stone record reviewers should be working in a grave yard for all that those fuckers know about albums. As for Mr. Hilburn, he's an idiot, he's just a damn fool. The day he likes one of my records I'm gonna catch the next jumbo jet to L.A., take him out to the corner of Hollywood and Vine at high noon, yank down his pants and kiss his ass."

CHERIE CURRIE / RUNAWAYS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lisa Robinson, her article on the Runaways wasn't from a critic's point of view, but a personal point of view, as the kind of female critic she is. v.?"

AND SO ON.. ."Once Lita, Sandy and I threw a guy out of our hotel room in San Diego because he said 'Girls can't rock 'n' roll!'. Those were the last words he said."

JACKIE FOX/ RUNAWAYS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lisa Robinson."

AND SO ON.. ."For our Crawdaddy cover story, Chuck Young flew to L.A. from N.Y. for a week, rode around Hollywood with us while we squirted old ladies in supermarket parking lots with seltzer bottles. After the article came out with all our sexual secrets printed he came to see us in N.Y. and we greeted him by dumping four pitchers of water over his head."

LITA FORD / RUNAWAYS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lisa Robinson."

AND SO ON.. ."Funny-yes. Strange—Definitely. Vicious—yes, Miss Robinson. She did a write-up on the Runaways in CREEM and really made us sound like fools, when actually I don't think she knows what she's talking about, or maybe I'd just call it jealousy. I mean, who cares how many rhinestones one wears on one's outfit."

JOAN JETT / RUNAWAYS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lisa Robinson."

AND SO ON..."Some jerk in San Diego came to our hotel room to interview us for the paper. He started shooting off about his band could kick our ass anytime and that he would become a star so we just threw him out the door. I think we would of killed him. What a jerk."

SANDYWEST/RUNAWAYS

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Lisa Robinson."

AND SO ON... "Bob Greene from the Chicago Sun-Times came in with an attitude that we were sleazy. He wasn't exactly Mr. America."

(The girls are still fuming over Lisa's Nov. '76Eleganza column...so much so, that even after reading Rick Johnson's April review of their new album — "These bitches suck", etc. — they stood firm in panning Lisa. But see the letter section for Joan's reply to Rick-Ed.)

RICK DERRINGER

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Henry Edwards" (N. V. Times) AND SO ON.. ."He thinks that I caused problems with Johnny and Edgar, he thinks I squeezed Ronnie Montrose out of the Edgar Winter Group, he doesn't know the facts, and he lets my name enter any review of the Winter Brothers, Montrose, or anything I was ever remotely involved with. He infers that he has a knowledge of my personality that he doesn't have."

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "I don't have any least favorite, I don't want to say that . This is going to turn out to be a vendetta list, right? The day that I do I won't give him advance warning; he'll know when my fist meets his jaw."

FLO AND EDDIE

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "For some reason, it seems every one of the critics in question either works for CREEM, have atin ear, or just hate our guts." AND SO ON.. ."For some reason, and we really don't know why, we've been bad-mouthed our whole career and it's made us feel like marked men. We often wonder about it because we didn't want to cause any trouble.

Maybe we talk a lot, and kid around a lot, but that's because it's us. We'd be the last ones who are going to sit around and sulk in a corner all night."

JEAN-LUC PONTY

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Leonard Feather".

AND SO ON.. ."I did a concert at the Palladium in Los Angeles in 1973. It turned out to be a three-hour jam including Tom Fowler. Leonard Feather was reviewing. Because of the length of the gig, he went to the bar and talked to John Mayall. During this period Tom Fowler started playing my violin, doing country & western licks. I was playing the viber harp. In Mr. Feather's review he said I had 'Moments of sheer genius, but .was falling corny with my country & western licks'. Leonard should have been watching closer."

AL KOOPER

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "Anyone who is not musically qualified for his job. People who study music for 15 years shouldn't be reviewed by people who can't even read a note. Someone who can't become a writer, and becomes a rock writer instead—that's ridiculous. " AND SO ON... "Can I tell a Robert Christgau story? It was at the Monterey Pop Festival, and Ravi Shankar was going to go on, so a lot of musicians had come to hear him. Practically half the audience were musicians. Even though it was a terrible day, and was almost raining, people were jamming the aisles—you get the picture? So in the 5th row there's this guy who's got the ball game on his transistor radio. Robert Christgau, The people around him tried to get him to turn it down—he wouldn't, so he was finally ejected."

JOE PERRY / AEROSMITH

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: None.

AND SO ON..."Rolling Stone sucks."

ALICE COOPER

LEAST FAVE CRITIC: "No one at the moment, as long as they write the truth. With most rock critics, it got to be a battle of who could insult us the most eloquently. Lester Bangs once wrote two reviews of my albums that went something like, 'Walt Disney would have had the good sense to leave it in the can', and 'What a tragic waste of plastic'."

AND SO ON... "I'd like to put all the rock critics together and form a band. Then they'd know what it's like. You know nothing about rock music unless you specialize in it—unless you're a rock musician. They're just writers."

IAN ANDERSON

LEASTFAVECRITIC: "Allofthem. AND SO ON.. ."I find nothing funny about the press."

(Ian just didn't know where tobegin.

He did dedicate "Too Old To Rock 'n' Roll" at his Dorothy Chandler Pavilion Concert in L.A. to "that old queen RobertHilburn"—Ed.)