MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, MI 48012

MAD MUMBLINGS

Just looking through your September issue I found something that never fails to piss me off, no matter what magazine it's in. In the Mark Farner interview, he's quoted twice as saying "uh, uh" and twice "uh, huh." Now, what is that? "Yeah" and even "Nah," I can handle, but having to decipher answers like "uh, uh," "uh, huh," "huh, uh" or whatever, is too much. What's the matter with a little clarity?

I know some people speak in grunts, but writing in grunts seems rather asinine to me.

Disgruntled reader

Feeniment, Ark.

(We just call 'em as we see 'em, slugger. Don't get mad at Mark, either... After all, how lucid would you be after pitchin' ah barnfullah hay?—Ed.)

LOVE NUTS

Nobody gives a shit about Stevie Nicks and Don

Henley.

Love

I hereby confirm that the signatures on the attached piece of paper are authentic.

Kindest regards,

Irving Azoff

President

Front Line Management

cc: Stevie Nicks

Don Henley

(Great, Irv. Now, how do we know that your signature is for real? It might be difficult to parlay this, our only AUTHENTIC Eagles quote into a 3,000 word article, but we'll sure try. —Ed.)

EGG FOOL YOUNG

My name is Atsushi Oshima. I'm traveler from JAPAN and Music Lover. I've just finished to read the book titled Rock Revolution. I'm now in Atlanta and will go to Alabama next week, where I'd like to get in touch with you and your colleague at your office, if I can. Are you OK? In anyway, I'll get phone call to you when I reach Birmingham. Please allow my sudden card. I give my best regards to you. Friday 20th August. 10:00 P.M. Atlanta.

From Atsushi Oshima

Tokyo

(We're OK, but you'd best lay off the Saki, kid. You're gonna have an ever harder time trying to find the Eiffel Tower in Paris, Texas. Sayonara, Sap. — Ed.)

ROB TYNER PLEASE COME HOME

This can either be your debut piece for the CREEM Poetry Anthology or a letter to the editor or wadded up and used as padding for a Creemette T-Shirt ad. It goes (a-one anna-two) like this:

Don't give me your Rock of Ages

Or any of the rest of your jive

Don't give me the words of your sages

Just give me the MC5

Tom Hine

San Antonio, OH.

(Rob, we've finally found the guy who keeps calling you at 4:30 a.m. screaming, "Kick out the jams, Brothers and Sisters!" Do we get a reward?—Ed.)

PUSTULE PERSEVERANCE

I sent you guys a letter, not an article or anything, and you sent it back with a rejection slip! What are you (or Charlie Manson) trying to tell me? To jack my strat or get off the pot? To do the strand? What's the case, ace?

Yours (ectoplasmitically)

Dashiell Hammett

Ginsberg, W. Va.

(Your pestiferous optimism is overwhelming. We give up. Here is a typical example of one of the hundreds of letters you send us for publication without a trace of oracular relief or even any antisocial merit at last in print. Don't you feel foolish? -Ed.)

SOME MONGOLOIDS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO WRITE

Everytime I read who the contributing editors are or were, I find the name Patti Smith. Now, is the Patti the one with the album out and the one where her band looks like her and the one who's a steady with Alan Lanier of Blue Oyster Cult? Is she the one who writes rock poetry who dresses real cool, wears dark glasses, who some people call an ugly duckling but in my opinion she is very pretty if not beautiful, who has a fan club who abhors the country, who it seems, does concerts everywhere but California who is the lioness of rock 'n' roll who used to sing on the street on the Boulevard Montparnasse who used to sing with a fire-eater who, on some nights, would make up to forty dollars? Is she the one who tells jokes that I never hear?

Everybody's darling sweet cygnet.

I live in Lou Reed's bathtub.

P.S. I love you Cweamy eamy. And Lou Reed does too.

(Yes she is, If she ever stops by your, ah, place, tell her that proofreading is piling up on her desk, and to get her skinny little ass in here NOW!-Ed.)

OTHERS HAVE NOT

High Boy Howdy. You know what I think of CREEM. I think it's a pile of shit. Oh, I like some parts of it but some parts I don't know what the hell's going on. You interview groups that I never heard erf. Abo, that letter about Kiss in July's CREEM—he's right. Ezrin really screwed them up. He really knows how to fuck up an album. Oh, it's OK, but it could be better. By the way, how come you write articles the way you do? I can't understand any of it. Well, got to go. So I'll sign off.

Yours trolly,

Jay K. Scot of Walla Walla Wa.

P.S. Is any of Kiss married?

(Incredible. — Ed.)

BETTER TED THAN READ

Well All Right, I just wanted to stop to thank all you MUTHAS for helping make my first album on Epic GOLD!!!!! The next one's gonna be Free For All and that is exactly what me and the band have planned for you when we hit your city. Be ready for the Ted Nugent Band 'cause we are ready for you.

On the Road,

Ted Nugent

The Motor City Madman

(Great, Ted. We're looking forward to seeing you again, too. However, we do have one small request to pass on in behalf of some of the women here in the office: Could you please be sure to wash thoroughly underneath your loin cloth and if you wouldn't mind too much; please leave those special tubular rubber arrows that you so quaintly called "Dil-rows" at home this time? Thank you. What's a "Dil-row," Ted?—Ed.)

MAIL ORDER EST

I have some questions:

(1) Do you think that, in a couple of years, Daryl Dragon will go solo and start doing what Rick Wakeman & doing now?

(2) What is Rick Wakeman doing now?

(3) When is Rick Johnson going to be promoted?

(4) When will Lester run for president?

(5) Why do I keep on writing you these things?

Beebeebeebee,

Chris Johnson

Webster Groves, Mo.

(We have some answers: (1) No, but after Johnny Cougar has finished calling every single member of the American rock press personally, there's no doubt that he'll be ready for some solo organ work; (2) He is probably trying to find out who Daryl Dragon is; (3) As soon as he gets good and FED UP with life in Illinois; (4) As soon as he can convince Robert Christgau to be his running mate; (5) Simply compulsive behavior, my dear, simply compulsive behavior.—Ed.)

AN "ULTIMATO" TOMATO

The Ramones is everything that anyone ever said about rock 'n' roll. "All the songs sound the same, you cari't understand the words, they look like girls and they help promote violence, sex, and drugs." I like them a lot.

Glen Thrasher

Toedtman, Mont.

(Bravo, Mr. Thrasher. Bravo! But isn't the same thing true of Disco? A virtual watershed in puritan dilemma, to be sure.—Ed.)

GODZILLA'S GONADS

We are Japanese girls and we want American friends. We want to correspond with someone who loves rock music! We love rock music very much!! We enclose introduction cards of ourselves. Please write soon! We are:

Name: Asuka Ito. Age: 16. Sex: Female. Hobbies: Listening to records and reading. Favorite Musician: Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Doobie Bros, Eagles, etc. Address: 2195 Hara Angyo, Kawaguchi City, Saitama 334 Japan.

Name: Yukiko Imaizumi. Age; 16. Sex: Female. Hobbies: Listening to records and drawing. Favorite Musician: Grand Funk Railroad, Doobie Bros., Aerosmith, America, etc. Address: 1-176, Minamitokiwadai Itabashi-ku, Tokyo 174 Japan.

(Double Hubba Hubba sideways!—Ed.)

THE $64,000 QUESTION

What's all this about Jimmy Page beating up chicks and spanking bottoms???

Lupe Palomino

Mill Valley, Ca.

(Merely well-circulated rumors, kid, merely rumors . . . HA! HA! HA!—Ed.)

LABONZA BLOWS

If you consider yourselves merely a bunch of halfass iconoclastic puds ripping off teenagers, don't print this letter. But if you think of yourselves (as I do), as serious state-of-the-art rock 'n' rollers who realize that outrageousness (or pretentions to) is the only way to reach what Ivan Kraal has called the Blarik Generation, then may I offer some constructive criticism?

Letters roll in month to month* stating basically that CREEM has gone to hell. While this is not true in a big way, you have flipped in some areas.* Primarily it is the writers that you hire. As I see it, there are only two writers presently on your staff who are maintaining your standard of excellence—Rick Johnson and Robert Dyncan. Johnson is great, but does only small "Beat Goes On" articles. You should graduate him to features. Robert Duncan is presently your tour de force. His fictional articles (i.e. Pat Moraz the Wonder Poodle; Freddie Mercury, the Bucktoothed Saginaw Sowfucker; ToddRundgren, the Veg-omatic king) are .most welcome relief to your increasing supply of rewritten press releases. Duncan's magic can only work, however, when interspersed with well-written, serious, critical articles about groups. Lately all you offer are tour travelogues. You need more of the kind of articles Lester Bangs used to specialize in, but can't seem to write anymore.

Could it be that you no longer believe in Magazine-as-Art? Your '71 and early '72 issues are modern culture classics. Your issues in '76 have all been throwaways in that none are consistently good.

Now I know that Patti Smiths don't grow on trees, but look back in your files at her review of Todd Rundgren's A Wizard A True Star. That review is fully worthy of the album. It captures all the excitement of hearing it for the first time. Now read Lester Bang's review of Patti's Horses. It is obvious that Lester likes the album, but the review gets lost in its own excesses and tends to bore.

TURN TO PAGE 71.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10.

When you write boring reviews for exciting albums, it's time to think what's happened to your quality.

Darrell W. Moore

Providence, R.I.

P.S. If you don't print this letter, please tack it up for your staff to see. I love CREEM and only want to help.

(Boy Howdy extends a sincere thank-you for your concern. Johnson and Duncan said to tell you that your checks are in the mail. All the remaining writers of CREEM extend a hearty fuckyou too, pin-dick.—Ed.)

MORE BROWN RICE, PLEASE

Mao-Tse Tung said: "U.S. imperialism is just a paper tiger;" Nam June Paik said: "Asian mysticism is just a shadow of paper TV."

for Jud and Jeni,

Paik '75

(You mean if we choose one from column A, instead of column B, we get no egg roll?—Ed.)

CRITICAL ADMONITIONS

This is the last and first time I've written to a magazine of your stature. (Once long ago, I wrote to Jack and Jill, to no avail.) The reason I'm writing is to assure you of the quality of your print (I'm not so sure your motive , of critiquing albums is to guide the adolescent audience from getting ripped off; it seems to me pretty much a P.R. system.) I do, however, pretty much tend to agree with your critical admonitions.

I know I have my faults (I love Ziggy and early Queen and, yes, even Kiss) but I know for the present you'll keep me in line.

One thing—I wish you'd give more copy on emerging New York Bands as the hype may procure them into maybe pressing some albums for us (loyal us) Midwesterners who cannot, or rather will not, hot-tail it to the Big Apple just to see some for all we know, mediocre bands.

Your friendly neighborhood sadist,

Jaws, 18

Lead Guitar, 'Mercury'

P.S. Hello Todd and Ritchie Blackmore (Where's Ronno?).

P.P.S. Sorry this letter contained no humor. I am taking Smart-Ass 101 in the fall (3 hours).

P.P.P.S. This goes to show you can still write a letter sans relevance (yet it still costs 13¢ to send.)

One more P.S. I am proud to be an American. (Do I hear a second?) Not you, Quay. (A second what?—Ed.)

LOSELLORE

After playing rock 'n' roll for six and a half years, I'm just about deaf. Now I'd like to become a record reviewer for your magazine. What are my chances?

If you can't use me how about creating a big. "hype" and making me a star?

With all due respect,

Pat Holloway

(My address is a Rosecrucian secret)

(As it stands now, your chances of becoming a record reviewer are about 50-50. Why not keep playing rock 'n' roll for another six and a half years until you go completely deaf and boost your chances up to 99%? Your second proposition unfortunately shows that your rock 'n' roll biz aesthetics are somewhat out-dated . . . Haven't you heard? Hype is out. Indifference is in!—Ed.)

BIG BOW-WOW POW-WOW

Dear Rick (Ask Me Anything) Johnson,

Concerning an article that appeared in the April '76 issue of "The Beat Goes On."

How did Nick's wife know that the dog ate the tip of the finger? Can the doggie talk? Did they X-ray his tummy?

"Canines for Christ,"

Snoopy,

Lassie,

Sandy, and Rin Tin-Tin

P.S. God is Dog spelled backwards (Seems some neighborhood children found the tip of the finger protruding from a lump of youknow-what shortly after playing with the dog in a nearby vacant lot.—Ed.)

MALIGNANT MALAPROPISMS

Did you know that Jean Genie ran away with the Thin White Duke? In his TVC-15 only to land in a Suffragette City after Five Years of Sorrow.

Station to Station they went, looking for some Young Americans, but all they found were Diamond Dogs.

Jean Genie decided to make some Changes so she and the Thin White Duke went into a Moonage Daydream where they caught themselves a trick down on Sunset and Vine. Then Jean Genie left the Thin White Duke for the Cracked Actor, and he left with Aladdin Sane. They plan to have Time to see each other in 1984. But it might just be a Future Legend!!!

Love On Ya

Rebel, Rebel.

(Your creativity shines through the mental darkness of our times like the Donald Duck night light illuminates our toilet. It's plain that you're a perfect candidate for a Rock 'n' Roll Suicide.—Ed.)

DR. McCOY, YOUR SLIP IS SHOWING

Aaarrghhhh! I've fallen into an eight year time warp as a result of battle with Ugluk in the fields of Rohan. Anyway, good luck with the new revolution, Lister, and remember, the Rainbow has a beard.

Mark Swlabr

Pluto

P.S. Edouard, try candy and chewy sex.

(Yes, we admit it. You are stranger than we are. Now will you please point your phaser banks in another direction before we report you to the Federation?—Ed.)