MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept,, CREEM Magazine P.Q. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

THEIR HEADS ARE GREEN & THEIR HANDS ARE BLUE

I am a reader of your magazine: A few months ago I read your April 1976 issue, and thought it was fantastic, but yet unbelievable!

I am really interested in Jimi Hendrix. I like to hear and play his music. In your issue you had an interview on him called “Death May Be Your Santa Claus,” and stated it was up to date! How can this be, Hendrix is dead (Isn’t he?) I am starting to wonder about it. Is Hendrix dead or alive, been hiding for 5 or some years, or been dead for 5 years!

Please inform me as to what is going on!

Looking forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Gina Calderone

Trenton, N.J.

(Jimi: "That dude misquoted me, which was bogue. That’s the last interview I’ll ever do!”)

JUST ANOTHER FAITHFUL READER

Having arrested your last issue in the mail (I wouldn’t give my neighbor’s paper boy 10¢ to go out and steal it from the supermarket) for loitering, I finally noticed it, not because I read it anymore, but for the obvious reason that you’ve stooped so low as’ to put Kiss on your front cover instead of begging their fence to scrape up the money to buy the back cover. Having puked my way through your letters to yourself (mail you call it, HA!), I did notice another Patti Smith article only to find that you couldn’t come up with a real for sure quote, so I cut out her only colored picture. It looks better separated from the rest of your second hand lies and bullshit.

Morrison must be doing cartwheels in his grave after your 10 point program of Kiss, bless their plastic little faces ... if that’s what you think is in store for the future of rock, then wake up and go back to sleep. First of all, contrary to your pimpular opinion. New York and Detroit and all they stand for will die soon after the bicentennial blows oyer; secondly, the Doors and the Beatles will resurface as our prime defenders, hand in hand with Patti. BOC and the Rolling Stones (with all new personnel) and thirdly, 1 intend to start a band in the ’80s with Todd Rundgren, Robert Fripp, Ian Anderson, Keith Emerson and Keith Moon.(if he’s still alive).

Hopefully, by that time you folks at CREEM will have grown up ahd sobered up to the fact that Rock ‘n’ Roll ain’t dead... it’s just been in a coma for five years.

Love,

Kevin F. Cleaver

Fart Wayne. IN

(Where?—Ed.)

AYN RAND LIVES

I’d like to know if any of you could gather up the info . . . does the “Object” on Led Zep’s Presence have any specific meaning, or is it a symbol for something? I know (like everyone else) a lot of Page and Plant’s lyrics come from J.R.R. Tolkien’s trilogy and also that Page is interested in mysticism. Does the “Object” have something to do with one of these things? I’d appreciate it if you could find out.

Kelly Arnold

Anaheim, CA

P.S. Anything else you could find out about Page would be appreciated.

(It symbolizes a baby’s arm not holding an apple. -Ed.)

ANTI RUNAWAYS BLURT

Who da hell signed up the Runaways? (It must of been a man who copped a bit ’o ’ass, eh?) The thing of the truth is these five bleeding lil’ ????? made it where they are only thru de-ol’-bedroom and I doubt they’ll go much further in the rock ‘n’ roll biz. (I’d like to hear some other ideas!)

Audrey (Edipus Rex) Kupac

Alive and Well in Seattle

(The man from Casablanca is on the way to see your band. — Ed.)

SPENGLER UR

I was just sitting here when I suddenly felt patriotic, so I went to the ice box and got a case of bicentennial beer. After I had downed the case, I proceeded to throw up on the television (nobody noticed) and smoke my blue jeans. Suddenly I saw God. He looked like Walter Matthau. I sat down and decided to write the history of music^

As I see things now, the Stones have gone disco. Kiss has gone soft, AM radio has gone to hell, BTO have stripped their gears, Led Zeppelin have become monotonous. Elvis is dead but everybody is afraid to tell him. Now, the future

... I saw Rush in concert, I’m not sure what they played but it sure as hell wasn’t Rock ‘n’ Roll. On the way home I was run over by a parked car.

James Watson

San Antone, Texas

P.S. Is rock the vaudeville of the future? (You're right about everything!—Ed.)

MORE BATS ON THE PHONE

That Ass Hole. I’m talkin about Bob Ezrin. Where does he get off at fuckin up what could be a good album? KISS was doing great till they hired him. He really fucked up a great album. I bought the album cause I thought Destroyer would be aner KISS dinomite package. Man it’s only a firecracker.

I’ll forgive the boys this time. But their next album better not have Ezrin’s name on it, or I won’t buy it. I can only count 4 partially good songs on the whole album. It’s not the KISS I love to see and hear. It’s an Alice Cooper/Beach Boy type thing.

When I party, I don’t play the album for friends. I play the good old KISS that you and I love. ... Tell Ezrin that we think he sucks.

R.A.H. jr.

P.S. Who makes KISS’s costumes? I manage an amateur band and would like my boys to have some far out threads like KISS wears.

(Those aren’t clothes, they’re naked! As for Bob, wait’ll you hear what he does with the Ramones! -Ed.)

CLASSICAL CORPSES

You culturally depraved turkeys! In your July issue’s “Calendar of Death” you listed Chopin as dying coughing up blood just to be gross, but you neglected to list Beethoven; the most electric, alive and intense of all the classical composers who came closest to living by the rock ethic, whose main ambition was to free classical music of its stodgy rigidity. What’s more, he died a far more dramatic death than Chopin. Due to overdrinking and suspected syphilis he contracted numerous violent illnesses which, once bedridden, took a year and a half to kill him off. During a thunderstorm Beethoven sat up in bed, raised his right hand and lightning bolt struck very close, at which point he froze and the doctor pronounced him dead.

What could have been a more fitting way for him to die; a man whose demon would never let him be at peace with the world; whose creativity was as vivid as a flash of lightning and as exciting as a thunderclap?

That was March 26, 1827 in case you degenerates were too lazy to look it up.

Sincerely,

Adrienne Chapman

Somewhere between Berkeley and Vienna P.S. No offense meant. Just trying to be helpful. (Thank you very much. You’re absolutely right and your help is most appreciated. However, may we suggest that “a more fitting way for him to die” would have been for him to stick his “suspected syphilis” infected noggin’ underneath his piano’s soundboard cover, having his doctor slam it up and down real fast until his diseased brain splattered all over the strings and hammers? -Ed.)

BIKER BELCHES BILGE

Whose the skinny little weed Patti Smith is holding? I’m more a man than he. How big is he’s arms? 13” Ha Haa! Mine are 19” so far! I’m shooting for 22”. Now when do I receive my Patti? Oh yeah, Mars the dude who was pissed off about LSD ranking 8th...he’s my kind of people. Where was Green? I liked your article on Green, I love Green! To Big Al, Mercedes suck! My MAICO 501 will eat anything! I can Hit a hundred in the dirt! I can eat any car or bike or chopper. In Frisco I made the greasers look like jr.’s riding a Trail 70 Honda! HA HA! Lisa Robinson will you marry me?

Jackie Blue

Harry

(Come off it, it’s been downhill all the way for you sissies since Altamont.—Ed.)

HOMO ON THE RANGE

What’s with this guy, woman, or whatever the fuck it is, that calls itself Wayne County? Man. That guy, or what ever it is, should be in a damn freak show. If I ever saw him on a stage, I wouldn’t think twice about jumpin’ up there, kickin’ its ass, and then rippin’ its damn clothes off to find out just what the fuck it is. Shit, if that sucker took a walk through my town lookin’ like it does, it’d get its ass shot. Man, I’d spit on him, too. Some people will do anything to get noticed. He’d be noticed here alright. Man, the people here would find out what his problem is real quick and then cure it. Well, I see its got tits, so I don’t know what the fuck it-is.

I gotta hand it to you guys. You sure find the weirdest lookin’ people to photograph. First, it was Bowie, then Lou Reed, and Patti Smith. Now this fag, Wayne County.

He wouldn’t last one minute on a stage here. He’d be joinin’ the dead fish in Lake Erie. ’Cause that’s just where us “men” would throw his ass.

Keep on fagging with your face sagging, Wayne County.

The Fag Killer

Cleveland, OH

P.S. What garbage can did it come out of? I wanna know, ’cause I’m gonna put him back in there if I go to New York City. Oh, if you guys are wondering why I wrote this in green ink, that’s because . . . well, I won’t tell ya’s.

(Wayne s a nice guy. Just because he sticks lobsters up his boomboom and then makes them recite the Gettysburg Address is no reason for you to get so uptight. And anyway, we know why you wrote your letter in green ink: because your poison pen is full of pus, which makes you some kind of pervert, fella. I think.—Ed.)

KNOW-NOTHING BOHEMIAN CA. 76

I have a few questions I would like for you to think about. 1. How come your Kiss articles make about as much sense as a purple cow? 2. Who the hell made Bryan Ferry a household word? 3. What kind of wino organized Dr. Feelgood? 4. How come you never feature any pictures of Led Zeppelin on stage? (I mean real pictures!) 5. Would you give your life for David Bowie? 6. Does Jaan Uhelszki know about the birds and the bees? 7. Do yqu think Lou Reed is any match for Patti Smith?

Thanks,

Grady Brooks

Uriah, AL

(1. Leave Ace’s mom out of this. 2. Regis Philbin. 3. A tubular one. 4. Their trousers fall down. 5. Up the ante to Henny Youngman. 6. Are they a new Mormon family preteen singing group? 7. Patti doesn’t light farts. —Ed.)

GONZO BUNGO DRIP

As I watch from a good vantage point on the Other Side, where only safe-men prowl with beer in hand and eyes up their ass. Light. Light from those holes in the walls, within orgasm sigh and wads explode with their pearly magnificence. Twelve year old girls provide the fantasy. Tuna and meatloaf in the happy hunting ground called Action. Flow flow flow your oats, gently down the reems, jerkily jerkily jerkily, life is but some CREEM.

The Subliminal Kid

Printed after all these tries.

Uranus

(Send resume and salary requirements c/o this magazine. —Ed.),

ASTERISKY PROPOSITIONS

Back when Free to me was important (pre-Bad Co. crotchrot), I had this dream that I was following them walking up a hill in San Francisco. Rodgers put his nose in the sky when I called to him. PaulKossoff stopped and held out his guitar to me. I couldn’t play and he took it back, smiled and strolled on up the hill playing “I’m A Mover.”

Asshole Rodgers still has to shove his nose in the sky. Paul Kossoff is there now. And I’m a mover:

Tomorrow I leave PA for the west coast via thumb again. Last night 1 rolled eight joints in a row one at a time.

I really care about this magazine and have bought it in VA, PA, CA, MN, MS, and NY-35 consecutive issues. Please give my love to Patti Smith until, until.

A Face

Nowhere, fast

(Glad to hear that all is well with the Company. You may now come in from the cold. —Ed.)

GREAT IDEAS OF WESTERN CIV DEPT.

How about a remake of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s, Nest with Lou Reed as McMurphy and Divine as Big Nurse?

Cecil de Mille

Santa Barbara, CA

(Suits us. — Ed.)

TURN TO PAGE 71.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 12.

ENOLA GAY IS NOT A DISCO

Pardon me for suddenly letter. I wonder if you’d do me a favor in fact. I want to mail a letter to Rod Stewart. 1 hear he reside in Holmby Hills, but I don’t know detailed street number . . . Have you Rod’s address?

And excuse me but will you tell me the address, please. I should be very happy if you would answer my letter.

Truly yours,

Saori Mori

Dta-ku, Tokyo

(Mr. Stewart extends his regretful regards, but at present is fulfilling contractual commitments in Angola.—Ed.)

HOTTACKS IN THE FOREARM

I have heard this rumor and I wonder if it is true. Did Kiss really get the title of their latest single “Flaming Youth” from an all-girl band Gene Simmons once met in the ladies’ room of the Electric Circus? Please put my mind at ease.

Thank you,

Riki Rock

KISS FOREVER!

(No, they — now pay close attention to this—got it from a movie called Flaming Creatures by underground director Jack Smith who copped it from The Creature From the Black Lagoon who stole it from Black Sabbath who ripped it off a dead nun sold to them by Gilles de Rais because she had fulfilled her commitment to him. Next question. —Ed.)

THIS GIRL WILL NEVER GET CRABS

You’re always criticizing nice, clean people who have clean music like Cher, Bay City Rollers and Queen. Kiss, Stones, Roxy Music; all of them are slutes [sic], gays and junkies! Bay City Rollers, are the best group ever and you probably don’t think so because you’re high on dope or you’re a mental case!!!

Debbie Rodriguez

El Cerrito, CA

(Go join the Moonies. —Ed.)

SKUNK BAIT SALUTE

Your mag is something else, man. I mean you faggots & phonies who write this crap and dish it out. And you snivelling little critics who don’t even listen to the goddamn records you smash. Don’t you ever say anything good about someone (Lisa Robinson). Plus you cock grabbing faggots (Robert Duncan). Ya, I know you won’t print this ’cause a the conceited morons you are. F.S. I Love You.

The Best Babe

Gumblatt, TN

(May your ancesters be forever . . . never.—Ed.)

A CANUCK’S LAMENT

Trying to be a rock ‘n’ roll star isn’t easy. I grew my hair long, wore tight jeans, even wore beads and drank Heineken but still I haven’t been raped by an adoring mob of soiled, knickered 13-year-old. ladies. My security staff and limo drivers are becoming very bored. I mean being able to play an instrument doesn’t have anything to do with it, does it? BTO told me it didn’t matter. I’ve even perfected my Rob Plant poses and started saying cool words like ‘gig’ and ‘tape monitor Echoplex vibraphone,’ but still there seems to be no reaction. Maybe I should wear tartan scarves and army issue running shoes. Are wooden teeth really out of style or did Lisa Robinson lie?

Out on the Tiles,

Doug Bird Ottawa, Ontario

(Try migrating to Los Angeles and calling up Kim Fowley. —Ed.)

EMILY POST ON THE BOWERY

I read recently that Wayne County and Handsome Dick Manitoba had quite a scramble. What shocks me is where were their manners? Didn’t Dick’s mommy ever tell him not to hit a lady? And on the other hand, didn’t Wayne’s mama ever tell her not to cuss?

Yours truly,

Miss Etiquette

Waterville, ME

(They were both sleepwalking.—Ed.)

MYSTERY BAT-WOMAN’S I.D. UNVEILED

I’m a burnt-out chick who wants to know something. Who the hell is that chick with the black frizzy hair who poses in a lot of pictures with Kiss?

Rose

Dazed and Confused in Jersey (Another burnt-out chick. —Ed.)

COW PLOP COWBOY

My name is Greg Egeberg and I’m 15 years old. I have a problem, so could and will you please give me your advice.

Well, first of all, I’ve lived most of my life in Colorado. But just last year my family moved to South Dakota. I’m not trying to put down the state or anything, but S.D. eats shit! I mean, this hick state won’t accept me for what I am.

I’m (was) a Boulder resident, in which I listened to acid rock, wear platforms, sometimes jumpsuits; things like that which were perfectly normal in Boulder but people around where 1 live hate people like me. Even though I haven’t bothered them in any way.

And Ed., I’m not going to change my lifestyle! I’m definitely not going to wear cowboy boots, hats and never till I die will I listen to country music!!

Ed., what should I do?

Thank you so much,

Greg

(Dear Greg, We experience the same problem here in Birmingham, MI. We suggest that you either sign up with Vic Tanny, or move to Uganda, since Idi Amin is looking for people like you. -Ed.)