Mail

Mail

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

ZERO DE CONDUIT

Dear Stan & the Gang,

1 just heard this today: when the soldiers come we’ll smother them with flowers. Do I get a noprize?

Sincerely,

Mark Alexander

Longden Hall

Kent State University

(Neil Young has plans for you. — Ed.)

ANASTASIA, THAT CHEAP TRAMP

Sorry to write so late but, I was blown away by Richard Riegel’s revelation that John Lennon wasn’t really advocating that if we all really believed, Tinkerbell wouldn’t die. Does this mean that “Working Class Hero” isn’t a call for the union of the intellectuals and proletariot to overthrow the running dog imperialist Wall Street lackeys, too? The mind boggles.

Leon Trotsky Rock and Roll Heaven

P.S. Holding Marx responsible for modern day Russia is like blaming John Cale for Lou Reed. (Stalin’s always been our main squeeze. — Ed.)

AVANTS IN YOUR PANTS

If you think Eno is a genius wait till you’ve heard what I did. I took Kraftwerk’s “Midnight” and taped it at 78 rpm. Next I took the balance control and swung it back and forth to the little pings which fill the song and become the rhythm section at 78. About halfway through I stopped swinging the knob with each ping and swung it to every other ping. Near the very end I switched back to the way I had begun. The resulting (music? — noise!) is out of this world. It also has both Metal Machine Music and Discreet Music beat hands down.

For my B side I did the same thing with the non-vocal part of “European Son.” I started off with the big sound build up which follows the lyrics and just let it run wild at 78.

My next step is to release these two masterpieces on my new label called Rip-Offistic. It will be in album form. I will repeat each song over and over untill it reaches exactly nineteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds (you can’t go over 20 minutes “you know”). Side two will be the same as side one only played backwards. The next great album will be called The First Real Bootleg In E Flat (Parts One and Seven) Music.

The Next Big Thing

Glen Thrasher

Atlanta, Ga.

(Be sure & send us a test pressing! — Ed.)

ROLL OVER DAN SCHORR Dear sirs,

As per recent regulations concerning covert domestic operations and release of information pertaining to the aforementioned (i.e., declassification of EYES ONLY material), I have been authorized to release the following information. The mindsof Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison were preserved through sophisticated cybernetic techniques and programed into an LMD (Life Model Decoy). This model was designed to proximate the female form. She has been programmed for total loyalty to the State. Under the code name, “Patti Smith,” she is now engaged in propaganistic activity, f Nick Fury

S.H.I.E.L.D.

(What’s the capitol of North Dakota? — Ed.)

SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORAUGHT

Dear CREEM,

I don’t suppose anyone of you remember Patti Smith when she used to call herself Suzy Creamcheese?

Sincerely,

Dale “Scoop” Hoyt

Marcellus, New York

(No, but we remember Elton John when he used to be called “sensitive.” — Ed.)

LAY DOWN YOUR WEARY TUNE 1 am appalled and insulted by the nonSensicalities of Lester Bangs’ verbal diarrhea directed against Bob Dylan and CREEM readers (April 1, 1976). Never before have 1 discovered such unilateral ravings and literary seizures hiding behind the guise of journalistic criticism. Where did Bongs receive his. training? From Nazi Propaganda Minister Goebbels? Who is his publisher — Idi Amin? Bings states his sensationally warped opinion and then prefaces it by declaring, “This is the Truth.” What kind of literary fascism is that? To the meaning ©! Dylan’s songs, which Bungs so cowardly ignores out of his own personal inconsistency to deal with compassion , he has only one embracive comment: “Bullshit,” which, by the way, is repeated ihcessantly in all eloquence throughout the article.

Bangs says that he has it “on pretty good authority that Dylan wrote ‘Sad Eyed Lady,’ as well as about half the rest of Blonde On Blonde wired out of his skull in the studio”; So therefore Dylan’s reference in “Sara” to writing the song in a Chelsea Hotel should be disregarded (“Bullshit” again, as Bongs says). Bangs further has the audacity to say that Dylan is “using” people like Rubin “Hurricane” Carter and George Jackson to propagate “The continuing myth of his own relevancy.”

Hey, Luther, if someone’s drowning and you save their life, do you do it to get your picture in the paper? And even if that’s why you did it, does it matter if in facta life has been saved? And, besides, who are you to distinguish altruistic motive from egoism?

Come on now, Lester, You yourself say “I don’t give a damn about Rubin Carter, whether he is guilty or innocent, or about racism in New Jersey.” Who then are you, Mr. Bangs, to even be questioning, never mind attacking, Dylan’s sincerity when you yourself admittedly don’t have any sensitivity to injustice?

I’ll tell you something, Lester. These songs and scores of other Dylan masterpieces weren’t meant for leeches like you who, so frustrated in their own buttock-padded pseudo-intellectual pomposity are only capable of sticking toothpicks in the sides of Gullivers. Who are you Lester Bangs? You’re just one more anonymous fartless pipsqueak who toots his horn because his ears are so stuffed and his eyes so blind he doesn’t know what’s going on all around him.

It’s a low-down disgrace that such unjustified words of malice and petty jealousy were written in the first place. It’s a further sham that they were published. And its an unforgiveable shame that innocent readers are subjected to your wormy lies!

Gabriel Shalom

Winnipeg, Canada

(Bangs: “1. I was motivated as much by compassion as Dylan was. 2. He never saved anyone’s life. 3. You mistake opportunism for “sensitivity to injustice. ”4. I have better people to be jealous of than Bob Dylan.”)

GALLO’S HUMOR

Mr. Bangs is sure to get a bang out of this. In his recent story on Bob Dylan’s tribute to good ’ol bqy Joey Gallo, there is a reference to an incident where crazy Joseph chucks a Byrds album into the incinerator when the song “Chestnut Mare” offends him. The beautiful irony of this story really becomes clear when we remember that Dylan’s current collaborator and apologist, Jacques Levy, is co-author of “Chestnut Mare.” Poetic justice at its best. By the way, I came up with some great new possibilities for future Dylan deifications. How about Juan Corona, Charles Whitman or Richard Speck. He could then rhyme Speck with dreck.

Steve Hammergren MPLS, MN

(Lester: “Why not get the three of them together for a power trio to end ’em all!”)

LETTER FROM THE FOURTH WORLD Greetings from this godforsaken hole, where the sweet strains of John Denver can be heard emitting from the radio during the hours of 5 a.m. to 6 p. m. (from milking time to bedtime). If you’re not a fan of John Denver, the whole damn county runs after you armed with pitchforks. The biggest event is when the artificial breeder comes, and you’re considered gay if you listen to records. We have to travel 50 miles to get to a record store, not to mention 250 miles to see Elton John and David Bowie. If you mention them in a conversation, all you get is a blank stare and the damned bastards sit there dumbfounded. I mean, John Denver is all right for those other pisspots, but there are a few of us who don’t plan on becoming ranchers. I’d like to see the immortal goon J.D. come here and write a song about the rancid cowshit sitting in the fields. Around here, Barry Manilow is considered hard rock. Thank God your magazine doesn’t print crap about sweethearts like Olivia NewtonJohn, Cher, the Osmonds, Bay City Rollers [See p. 12, 57, 83, etc. — Ed.] and other various perverts. [See Bad Co. article. ] Your magazine is the only contact with the outside world, and I doubt if this will get to you because the local post office will probably confiscate it when they see it’s addressed to CREEM.

Two hired hands from the shitpiles of Seneca County Waterloo, NY

P.S. John Denver, wherever you are, may you wipe out wading upstream.

(Listen, cowboys, you think Birmingham is Rave City??!! Harry & Tonto played the theatre next door to this office for three straight months!!! - Ed.)

DIMMING JIMI

What kind of fucking bullshit is this about Jimi Hendrix? Has CREEM resorted to doing seedy, sleazy, exploitative articles like those other fucked-up tabloids? You’re trying to make Hendrix look like a mindless, burnt-out (so what if he was), asshole with his head between his legs. What’s all this nigger, nigger shit? Jimi was one of the most real, gentlemanly people in the business. Getting into the white rock world was his downfall. All those weird-ass white boys with that dope, and too many white chicks killed his ass. You make it seem like he wasn’t shit, and if he was still around today he still wouldn’t be shit. That article made me wanna puke, critic of rock critics Marilynn Hinton Detroit, MI

P.S, when are you farts going to do an article on the golden voice himself, Mr. Sex, Mr. Excitement [sic] — Gino Vanelli? He may give your magazine some class..

(You missed the point — the piece was written out of love and respect for Hendrix, an anti-ripoff. As for “trying to make him look mindless, ” what’s this “All those weird-ass white boys with that dope, and too many white chicks” business

aren’t you kind of patronizing your own hero?

Ed.)

THESE HISTORIC MOMENTS HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY... Boy Howdy!

Here by popular demand, are some of my famous rock star impressions:

Jimi Hendrix: “Urrrrrggghhh AAAAACCKKK UUUGGGGHHHHH...”

Brian Jones: “Glub, glub, glubbb...”

Janis Joplin: “Thud.”

Les Harvey: “Bzzzzzzt!”’

Jim Morrison: “...”

Duane Allman: “Aww sheeyit-CRASH!”

Berry Oakley: “Aww sheeyit-CRASH!”

(My Gregg still needs a little work. Maybe next month.)

Have your head bobbed and weaved.

Jay June Nico, Alabama

(Here is our impression of you: “[[[[[[[[?]]]]]]]]. ”

Ed.)

TRUJISMS

THE SUN SHINES IN THE DAYTIME (Indian sutra)

I once loved a girl named Marcy. Her real virgin name is Lorena. Shoo-bee-do-ba Metal Machine Music is like eating cold pizza in an isolation tank.

Horses is reading the Bible backwards.

Bay City Rollers are to the word as the gas chambers to the Jew. (WWII)

The first realization that I was NOT OF THIS EARTH (Beverly Garland) came around the age of fifteen. Someday hope to stay in the outer recesses.

Cosmic Climax (M.B.J.K.)

Where They make the overalls 39656

CLIN SLOT WIPE WITH NO TOMORROW, INC.

You’re the last bastions of contemporary music appreciation, new seeds of the Master Race; etc., etc., blah blah, woof woof. So you get brownie points in my book for even covering as important an album as Magma Live.

But will you for chrissakes make it a policy to give records which require thought to people who can or will think about them, and pot some professional xenophobe like Fernbacher? If Magma’s music can be dismissed as “post-avant garde blues” then so can Coltrane’s. It is artistically irresponsible of you to allow your reviewer to mock something on the basis of the fact that he doesn’t understand it.

Much preferred Lester Bangs’ belated piece on the Kohntarkosz album last year. So howcum he didn’t write this one? Kindly transfer all your critics who haven’t quite made it out of the 60's to Rolling Stone, so they can age gracefully.

Your Sacred Cowboy

Below the Salt, Mass.

{Are you Catholic? — Ed.)

GONKS GO BEAT (SO WHAT)

We thought it was appropriate to call your attention to the fact that at the University of Massachussetts (aprox. 20,900 students), Magma Live was voted number one album of the year (1975).

Sincerely yours,

You Mass. Debators

University of Massachusetts Debators .(That’s nothing — the top elpee around here is The Sinking of the Titanic by Gavin Bryars [Obscure No. 1, distrib. by /s/and]. Magma, pshaw — that was last year, toots! — Ed.)

SPARKS LEAK

“Is Cher more of a man that Russ Mael? etc.” was incredible. Last year a girlfriend and I followed them from Toronto to the next three dates on their tour. Well, by the time we got to Rochester, I knew three things: 1) The rest of the band hated Ronny & Russ, 2) both Maels were very cool on the up-front but, under that mask: mysteria, and paranoia FEAR, 3) Russy was still a virgin!!!

Sincerely,

Polloxia Ffemming Suitcase

Toronto, Ont.

(Plus which The Bugaloos were better. — Ed.)

ROLL YOUR POLL

In response to your recent CREEM Reader's Poll, 1 present Jumpin’ Jeremiah’s Magazine Poll. I want to find out just who or what YOU really are. So, on with the (freak?!!) show!

YOU

A. Name of magazine___Are

you sure you spelled it right? yes_no

B. Can you count?_yes_no

C. If your answer to B. is ‘yes’ (and miracles do happen), then how long has your magazine been in circulation?

_a. 2 years

_b. 5 years

_c. 10 years

_d. 20 years

_e. I don’t have that many fingers and toes

(thumbs maybe, but...)

YOUR HABITS

D. On the average, how much intelligence do your writers possess?

_a. A great deal

_b. So-so

_c. Not that much

_d. Might pass a course in tinker toys

_e. How far can a gorilla fly?

E. How much value do you place in decency? _a. Quite a bit

_b. A decent amount

_c. Not too much

_d. Very little

_e. Decency? Is that a new fashion craze?

F. You consider women as?

_a. Equal human beings

_b. Servants

_c. Animals

_d. Sex objects

_e. Men G. Your record reviews are based on?

_a. The music

_b. The artist’s ideas

_c. The artist’s style

, _d. The album cover

_e. The artist’s lipstick

H. The deity that you worship is?

_a. Jesus Christ

_b. Allah

_c. Money

_d. David Bowie

_e. Ourselves, of course! Who else?

, 1. The main source of your magazine is:

_»a. The rock stars themselves

__b. The newspapers

_c. Other magazines

_d. Our imagination

_e. The writing on the bathroom wall

J. What are your future plans?

_a. Expand to a world wide circulation

_b. Provide better music coverage

_c. Provide more info, on the lives of rock

stars

_d. Lower prices

_e. Get drunk tonight

K. How much courage do you have to cover controversial issues?

_a. What do you think we are??!!

_b. Fairly much

_c. A bit, maybe

_d. A slight bit, don’t scare us now, huh?

_e. Cluck-cluck

L. What is your feeling about the current state of our world today?

_a. What happened to David Bowie’s hair?

_b. How is Alice Cooper’s snake’s stomach ulcer?

_c. When will Mick Jagger learn to sing?

__d. When will disco bands start playing music?

_e. Who the hell erased the writing on the

bathroom wall??!!

M. Overall, how would you rate your magazine?

_a. Number one

_b. Fairly good

_c. So-so

_d. A nice trash can liner

_e. Well, it’s better quality toilet paper than

that 1908 Sears and Roebuck catalog.

N. Can you make the letter “X”?

_yes

_no

O. If yes, then sign the following:

“All the above information is true to the best of our knowledge. (At least we think it was the last time we were sober. Hey, can you remember the last time we were sober? Uh, yes, I do believe I remember who stole our toilet, and...)”

sign here_1_

Note: Unless your answer to question “K” was “E," please answer this poll and publish it in your magazine (or at least send your answers to:). Jumpin’ Jeremiah Va. Beach, VA

THESE FOOUSH THINGS

Dear CREEM, please publish this poem,

BLUE CHEER

It’s raining outside and I’m sipping my beer wondering whatever happened to Blue Cheer Fell for their music at the age of nine knew that their music would forever shine They gave birth to heavy metal prematurely were treated as outcasts, listened to so poorly Future songs caught in the web of time should have been noticed it’s a crime It took only three to create such powers Lying in their graveyards I place three blue flowers

TURN TO PAGE 74.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 11.

Erana Zircon N.Y.C.

P.S. Pavlov’s Dog WOOF WOOF. I bought their album and I swear it sounds like a chipmunk rehearsal. Where did they find these mutts? The A.S.P.C.A. should gas them all at the pound. They should do Alpo commercials.

E.Z.

Dog Exterminator

President

(By George, you’re right. With all these other Sixties groups reforming, why not the Cheer, who only.changed personnel about five times in six albums. There’s no way it could be a bringdown. — Ed.)

CULT FIGURE MOTHER WEARS COMBAT BOOTS Question: Is Lester Bangs one organism, a staff conglomerate, or a fellow alien?

Bemused

Cass City

P.S. He write’s tuff shit, tho!

P.S.S. DO NOT ANSWER EXCEPT IN CODE!! (Lester is a swell guy. — Ed.)

MUSCULAR PROSE

Dear Customer:

Must we really take legal action against you?

Your account is seriously delinquent.

For your own sake, I urge you to contact me as soon as you get this letter.

Sincerely yours.

Manager

Royal Oak, Mich. '

DIAMOND DOG DAY AFTERNOON As it currently stands, I don’t know where we are. But I will say this: You know Don Cornelius and all of the Soul Train People? W$ll, I’m a fan of theirs, however I live on the East Coast, here in Washington, D.C. It’s not free here yet. I don’t know what it is but We’re still not able to simply “get down.” Michigan heis its freedom, California has its freedom. New York has its freedom but Washington still lags behind — and if you ask me I think Washington is responsible for our lags and burps.

We need an invasion. This city is dead; it has no life and all intelligence suffers. We’re in dire need of building and strength. There is property here; property that can be bought bedause it’s Washington and turned into housing for people like our stars and everybody. Not for our pigs who think they can dog us and turn their asses around in our faces without a bark carrying on like yesterday’s world. Thus jobs and ltd’s would come into existence; look at David Bowie! It could change the world for us to see. And it would be a beautiful world for all our beloved young to indulge in. Mama wouldn’t have to worry. Daddy wouldn’t have to worry, and we would grow and become mommy and daddy not worrying.

This is for Black People and White alike. To a new world, a better one for you and for me — this is 2000 Red, Black, Green, Red, White and Blue signing out.

Please Be There,

Otis Bennett, Jr.

Washington, DC.