MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

WE OFFEND OUR COMPLIMENTS Don't get me wrong, man! Iam all for freedom. But I found your January cover simply cruel. I mean like it was venomous. Everyone knows that Elton John plays keyboards, not the oboe, even if he does miss a few now and then. How cbuld Dylan possibly think John Denver is God if Bob's. Jewish? And that frompie little froggie body ' on Denver was uncalled for. Even if he is totally worthless musically, at least he's not fat. And having Springsteen portrayed by a sheep was taking the thing too far, next to Dylan at that!

I must commend you on managing to get Carly Simon's good side,, though. Isn't she the one in the middle with the pumpkin? I didn't know pumpkins had pop tops pow. Anyway, the horse's nose in the background was cute.

Fran Thudeur Santa Maria, Calif.

(That was no horse, that was...oh never mind, some people just don't appreciate true Symbol■ ism. — Ed) •

UNHOLY EPISTLE

John Denver '±God,

Bruce Springsteen. — Not God Ian Anderson — Antichrist Patti Smith — Priestess For a second I thought I was reading the CREEM Science. Monitor. j Pie Fylan

New York City, Ohio_

P.S. Ad on inside cover — "Suddenly...Angel appeared."

(So what if we want a little spirituality in our lives? Just who you mocking, buddy, huh? You liked it better back in the slime with Wayne County? You'll be sorry when He comes back — tickets will be higher than ever. — Ed.)

NOW FOR THE LIGHTNING Quite by accident I came across the picture on the cover of Jan. CREEM. Do you have to stoop to such blasphemy and filth to sell your magazine? I despised your picture of John Denver mocking the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, whom I'm proud to claim as my lord and saviour. And don't think I'm a fan of John Denver.. .1 love hard rock, in fact my fiance is a drummer in a rock band. We are both Christians. This is a letter of anger — and pity. Christ couldn't live in your heart if you do such things. God help you to find Jesus before it is too late. I'll pray for you. Jesus Christ is the ohly answer in your life, you need him. Write me if you like. God forgive you.

A Child of God Diana Laster Evansville, Ind.

P.S. The picture on your magazine showed me something, Jesus will be coming to take me home soon. Such things are one of the signs.

(No offense to Christians — who know offense when they live it — but Christmas and John Denver have come to represent about the same thing. If you find that thing so reprehensible, send all you got of it — greenbacks in large denominations, please, no spare change — and we'll remember you in our praters. — Ed.)

DENVER-CANCER?

Lester Bangs' article-on John Denver is brilliant. For several years I have wondered whether someone in the rock press would stop calling Denver commercialized pap, and recognize him for what he is — utter decadence. Although 1 admire neither, 1 must say that John Denver makes Black Oak Arkansas sound like a church choir. Denver is a cancer in the American psyche, guilty of destroying both that which is beautiful about this country and the minds of those who send his blasphemy to the top of the charts. 1 wonder if he has ever seen those Rocky Mountains he claims-to be so fond of?

Sincerely,

Joe Hero New Orleans, La.

SPONTANEOUS BOP PROSODY STRIKES AGAIN

Begin-here

Somebody finally done sompin good on zz top

— Whorin and Scorin yeah that was Far out — I seen em in Nashville about 2 months ago I guess, I was rite up Front — they blowed my head away

— I ain't never seen nuthin like em — 1 seen • skynyrd in D.C. in June — Van Zant was weird,

he was really Screwed up er sompin — they was good though — he was mad or sic — CREEM, please print this cause I ain't never wrote no magazine before — keep remembrin David Ledford Cleveland, Tenn.

P.S. Cleveland Police are Rednecks — Happy, my good brother — Keep on Tokin —

(C'mon, Allen, we know you liked Dylan, but this is a little off your turf, doncha think? — Ed.)

ANOTHER PATTY HE ARST IMITATOR October 3, 1972

I walked out of the factory, got into my car. Two guys with stockings over their heads assault me with pipes (lead ones, like plumbers use?). They beat me and take me to a Guava plantation. They make me perform sex acts with farm animals! And they dump battery acid on us! And they feed us Human Corpses! But worst of all, they make / us listen to. (shudder) LOU REED!!! Yeech! HELP ME!!!

John Cale Devil's Island

(That's funny, last time we saw John he was turning down Lou's offer to. produce one of.those horrible records. No, wait, we get it, you're J.J. Cale! You poor wretch...did your ordeal ever bring you fully awake? — Ed.)

YOU POSE 'EM. WE'LL DISPOSE 'EM This fellow rimbaud that patti smith is always talking about did he use to play with the velvet underground? sincerely bo dulair

(One of the founders.—Ed.)

CATS GOT THE HOTS FOR OLIVIA I think you jerks ought'to find someone who appreciates music to start doing your record reviews. I speak very plainly on your reviews of Olivia [Newton-John], You have no right calling her a bitch Or tearing her down by calling her unemotional. I've been playing rock for 15 years and she is the. first female singer in rock in the Seventies who has dared to be a girl. I think you just (don't like female singers unless they appear to the public. Well with your Ruby Starr and Patti Smith what can we expect. I guess CREEM is just jealous of Olivia.

Get with it,

Eric Storm and Thunderstorm Prescott, Ariz. '

(We just like a little appearance once in a while, that's all. — .Ed.)

TUNA SUTRA

Man, I am super-pissed off at you guys! How could you possibly print a low grade second hand piece of shit like you did in the January issue of CREEM!! I'm talking about the record review on Olivia Newton-John's Clearly Love by that degenerated imbecile ..Joe Goldberg. It's obvious that this retarded moron has something against teeth and hair (probably because he doesn't have any). And obviously has no ears or brain, to match his missing hair and teeth. I cannot see how you could hire a dunce like him. Does he have a gun at yodr back? Or do you feel sorry for him? Maybe you do, but I am waiting for the day that Joe Goldberg falls off a truck and dies.

Pissed,

Gregg McLean Chicago, Ill.

P.S. What the hell is "There are two things that smell like tuna...and one of them is tuna" supposed to mean!? Huh?

("My opinions are as fresh and new as Olivia's hair and teeth." — Goldberg. If you don't know what the other thing that smells like tuna is, it figures you're an Olivia Newton-John fan. - Ed.)

United National Liberation Front in 'Formosa P.O.B. 192 Toshima Post Office Toshima-Ku, Tokyo, Japan (Thank you, comrades, for your support in our continuing war against Imperialism. But next time please send more payola or we won't run your scam. — Ed.)

THE ARCHIE MYSTIQUE:

UNRAVELED AT LAST?

Okay let's get it straight, I know all about the Archies rumors going around 50 I'm gonna lay the truth on ya.

I might be only a roadie but I know what's pulling off. All of the stuff you've heard so far is a bunch of Riverdale High bullshit. Archie is now a roadie with the Dictators following his conversion to bisexuality. Reggie's bullshit about converting to Van Peltism is more nonsense. He painted his face and is residing in Beetle Bailey's comic strip as Lt. Flap. Veroriica is living in the Big Apple and costs $200 a night. Betty took off with Cesar Chavez and is now facing conspiracy charges with "Squeaky" Fromme. Juggie's the only one who's really made it. He and Hot Dog are the Masochism-Sodomy opening act for the Tubes. Me, I gave up the dupb act (Duuuuhhhh?!!?) and I'm a ski instructor here in Borneo. Midge came down here with me but died of "Laughing Death." Anyway, now you got the roadie's view of this big story and maybe next month I'll tell ya about the breakup of Josie and the Pussycats. Sweltering here in Borneo,

Moose

(Anybody heard from the Bugaloos? — Ed.)

BOY HOWDY: ESPIONAGE TARGET? Dear Editor,

It is atthis time that we would like to iqform you that you have been under surveillance by our men and they have observed your participating in the following lewd activities:

1) Squeezing a 2 ton canary with a pliant hose in a gay bar.

2) Dragging a blood-red oxen in drag up a tree.

3) Seducing a viper under a desk & emerging profusely oozing black shoe polish.

4) Thrusting massive amounts of Preparation H into a bazoukee player in the back seat.

5) Propelling a gigunda erector set at a pavement princess at' a mailbox (or female counterpart).

A Few Comments By Your Peers Regarding Your Actions:

"Your box makes me hot."

— the Andrews Sisters "What if they hear us?"

— Ellen Lipshitz

"What do you mean, it's broke?"

— Truman Capote

"It'll never fly, Orville."

— Buddha

"It only hurt for a moment."

— Helen Keller

Copies of this letter have been sent to your family.

Sincerely yours,

The Queen of the Royal A,

AND the Polish Princess — twq cowpunchers from the wilds of Central / New York State —

P.S. We enjoy the magazine —

(May you write press releases for Barry Manilow.

, - Ed.)

GIVING THE FINGER JO CREEM I enjoy your magazine very much. I am blind but I have a reader who reads it to me. I am very interested in rock and roll, current and past but l have a difficult time getting a hold of material. Could you help me find collectors and other ^sources of information and memorabilia? 1 am particularly interested in posters, records, pictures, and interviews from the late 1950's and early 1960's. Thank you for your help. Dorothea Bradley 1955 Chestnut St., Apt. 105 Berkeley, Calif. 94702 (Sure thing. — Ed.)

WHITTLING AWAY ATTHE CEREBELLUM Just.thought I'd show you a real collector's item, that your readers might enjoy seeing. No, this isn't a picture of Led Zeppelin in your favoyite arena. This is a totally (I mean totally!) handcarved replica of the group themselves. The figures are nine inches tall and the whole stage is over five feet in length.

Robert Karr of Bell Gardens, California carved all of this over a period of a year and a half. He mailed each item individually to tne as soon as he had finished it.

As you can see (Photo not reproduced. — Ed.) it has everything from Page's doubleneck guitar to stage monitors and microphones for Bonham's drums. It also includes an organ, a mellotron, Marshall amps, and a P.A. system. _ I'd appreciate it if you could get this to Lisa Robinson. I know she's a big fan of the group and I think she'd get a kick out of it. Maybe she could show the picture to the group and get their approval, huh?

Thanks a lot Randy Marlin ^Springfield, Missouri

(You are insane, and should not go unrewarded. We sent the pic directly to the group at Swan Song. — Ed.)

TURN TO PAGE 74.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 11.

JERSEY JEREMIAD

Re: The letter headed "Springsteen Backlash Intensifies" in the January issuq To Dashiell Chandler: , ¶

with a name like yours from a place like Poisonville, I'd like to know where you get off putting down Springsteen, Lester and The Creemettes!!??!!

Lester's review of the Born To Run LP was not only truthful (/ think) and interesting (for a change), but also his own opinion; he's entitled to that, my dear! That's what the hell he's getting paid for. ("It is?" — Lester.)

And about the Creemettes being lewd and disgusting — would you feel better if it were a picture of Neal Cassady wearing a Mr. Dream Whip tank top with maggots, worms and flies crawling over his disgusting decomposing body? Perhaps 'that would help you to get your rocks off?

Lost in Jungleland,

Ms. Tush Tyler Assbury Park, N.J. 03825 P.S. To Russ Shumaker from Kent State University: Isn't that the school tyhere they shoot people? If it is, too bad they missed you!

(Now We see where he gets those characters. - Ed.)

CREEMINAL CUFFED 'N' COLLARED ELTON JOHN. There, now that I've gotten that out of the way I qan concentrate on the main point of my letter secure in the knowledge that it will find its way to your precious printed "mail" column.

1 think your magazine stinks like a dead alligator's crotch, and yet somehow I find myself shelling out $1.04 everytime it hits the racks, y'know? *

But then one day last week I reached into them tiny pants pockets, my bloodshot eyes transfixed on your cover shot of the golden haired space invader hisself, and as so often has been happening lately, pulled me poor, painted hand out empty.

Without a moment's hesitation I slipped Bowie and the'world's only rock 'n' roll rag down the front of my jeans as I'cf done soooo many times before, and hustled my cute little arse out the front door.

That's right. My CREEM addiction has gotten so bad, I've recently been forced to resort to theft to support the habit. But this time was a little different. This time they nailed me.

Some big ugly bastard grabbed me around the throat and after removing the stolen property from my private area, proceeded to shout various unrepeatable swearwords at me while his ugly assistant proceeded to shout for the pigs.

THE STATE OF FLORIDA VS. ME comes up this Friday at 9 a,m. in the morning and I have no one to thank but all my friends down at CREEM Magazine for blotting my previously virgin-clean police record; rand' ruining my young life... .forever. ,

thanx signed R. GroinS Miami, Fla. ' ,

P.S. I hate you. When does the next issue come out?

(This ain't no free festival kid. If you'd included your address on the piece of toilet paper you wrote your letter on — which almost came apart in our hands before we had a chance to read it, so will all future smartasses with similar ideas please refrain — we'd have tried to make it up to you with a free subscription. As it is, suffer. It will bring you closer to us, up here turning this thing out of the Gulag Archipelago. — Ed.) 4

LOVE IS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE LOVELY Are you trying to be a slightly hip Don Rickies or maybe a straight version Johnny Carson? Why do you always1 put down these kids no matter what they write? It's a bore even reading the letters when I know good and well what you're going to say, especially if someone has a valid point you just say , 'yer sick,' and that'? supposed to be heavy or something. How can you expect us to believe the opinion of someone that hates us, or at best just don't understand at all? yours madly,

Water, Boy

Richmond, Ky. ^

(You are a model of lucidity and sanity. Your erudition is the envy of the Chinese. Your Skin is like a perfect peach, aching to drop from the tree. .Your toenails are like ten aggies, with the strength of steelies. You are beloved of women, men and hamsters. Tomorrow night your mother will be hit SI a truck. — Ed.)

HOW TO BECOME A BEAST Hey Guys, s

So you grew your hair long. But it still doesn't really look "freaky" enough? I'll let you in on a trade secret. Shampoo your hair. (Clairol Herbal Essence for Oily Hair is best.) Towel thoroughly. Put in the part, but don't comb or brush it otherwiseIf It will still be somewhat wet. Wait half an hour to ap hour (depending on length and consistency of hair), shake well and it's done! Without costly equipment or harsh chemicals which can damage your hair. Grrrr!!

Ted Nugent .

Early Jurassic Age Bedrock, Kansas

P.S. I can play guitars better with my fingers than Hendrix could with his teeth!

(Say hello to Big Foot for us. — Ed.)