EXTRA CREEM'S SHOPPING GUIDE

EXTRA CREEM'S SHOPPING GUIDE

For all of you cretins who can’t think of anything besides ties and plants and perfume at Christmas time, EXTRA CREEM, at great expense of money and time, has gone here and there, up your street and down ours, in an effort to present you with the definitive Christmas list. If you can’t find something here, better look for something in a rhododendron. — Ed.

Trying to impress a lady who doesn’t think you’re quite in her league? Give her the most expensive bottle of alcohol in town, a fiftyyear old bottle of Remy-Martin champagne that’s got a ticket of $247.66. You may not score, but at least you’ll get to taste some classy hootch. Lorie Brothers, Gratiot Avenue, Detroit.

Sign up for “Plastics as ^a New Material in the Arts,” offered only one place in the world, at U of D’s renowned College of Engineering, Polymer Institute. Plastic fans are lining up now...

They’ll never forget you if you give a gift that says your name _ whenever they use it...a customized toilet seat may just fit the bill, and you can only get one in Detroit at the Olsonite Corporation, owned and operated by Ozzie Olson, noted sportsman and racing enthusiast. Olsonite will gladly make a toilet seat to your size specifications and even cover the seat with satin, fur, leather, feathers or whatever. Price varies. 8801 Conant, Hamtramck. j I Stock up on Chinoiserie for a friend who wants to wow them at

1_I the next Black Oak concert. You

say New York is tired of Chinoiserie? This is Dee-troit, friend, and it’s still got time. There are a number of dry goods I stores in the Chinese community on 2 Cass and Charlotte (two blocks from \ the Masonic Temple) which offer % Oriental shirts, jackets, etc. Try one of *

those sizzling high-necked Anna May Wong sheaths..

Your name in Japanese?! A knockout conversation piece, this

__ — a floral scroll with your name

inscribed the way the slants do it. It even comes with a pronunciation guide so you can startle friends and loved ones with your bilinguify. Is it really

your name? You don’t really know, do you? $4.98 from Taylor Gifts, Wayne, Pennsylvania.

Now admit it, you’ve always wanted to be a fireman. So has

_ everybody else! So let someone

live out his fantasy and spend a neverto-be-forgotten night pole sliding, careening down streets in the hookand-ladder, eating dinner with the firemen and staying up late telling stories. A dream gift for $250.00, in the Christmas Sakowitz Catalog.

Any bush league “Baby” can gift her Bogie with this tortoise shell reminder, “If You Want Me, Just Whistle”, that’s a pen and a whistle in one. Just put your lips together and blo w... $ 11.00 at Orthogonality, 135 S. Woodward Ave., Birmingham.

Rent a black-and-white darkroom for a shutterbug friend who wants to develop all that film the camera shop ' keeps sending back...$15 membership fee, than $2.50 an hour at the Birmingham Camera Shop, 168 S. Woodward Ave., Birmingham.

Have a friend who still spells it “Amerika” and wants to free _ him/herself of the military/industrial complex as much as possible? Who wears Earth Shoes, Oshkosh overalls, flannel shirts? Who’s always pushing organic honey off on you? Well, you can stop their griping about the pig utility companies a little — present them with a Franklin stove. This big beauty only comes in one color, but it chums up a powerful amount of heat and can be used for cooking, too! So it’s a little dirty—that’s organic dirt, Jake. Available in L.L. Bean's Christmas catalog, $290.00 for the basic model.

Anybody can buy a vibrator, but who has a Vibra Bed? Some lucky

_ friend of yours, if you’re on the

ball. This handy little contraption, attachable to any bed and adaptable to any outlet offers “tingling, vibrating pleasures after a hard day at home or office,” according to the catalog. We couldn’t have said,it better. $12.98 from Taylor Gifts, Wayne, Pennsylvania .

■ Rent-A-Kissette! CREEM editor Jaan Uhelszki, who duped an ENTIRE audience of Johnstown, Pa. rubes and appeared ON STAGE WITH KISS, will recreate her performance in the privacy of your whatever. You read Jaan’s story in CREEM—well, now you can actually have A MEMBER OF KISS (if only for a night) perform for you. Price negotiable. Quantity limited. Boy Howdy Enterprises.

For the salesman on your shopping list.. .this little bugger will jazz up those slimy “bizness” handshakes, and while your friend may not close the deal, they certainly won’t forget him in Altoona. 65 cents, from Honor House, Lynbrook, New York.

Have you always marveled at those sample monogrammed handkerchiefs in store windows with “Your Name” written out where your real moniker would be? And ever covet the tacky “Your Name” sample? Well here’s a clock, no less, that spells out “Your Name” for all the world to see. Who needs Warhol? $29.95 from Joan Cook, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

□ For your spacy aunt who talks to her parakeet, how about one of those fanciful birdcages to replace the Wool worth cheapie she has? Queen has a garageful of them—call her at night at 644-2284.

For the writers on your shopping list, a book containing if not every cliche they, could ever want... certainly the biggies. ..You Name It, by Elizabeth Golz Rush. Published by the Tabletop Co-op, Detroit and Chicago, available at area Little Professor bookstores.

Pistachio nuts will tell you that Detroit is Pistachio Capital of the

_ World, thanks to the Germack

Pistachio Company in. the Eastern Market, which chums out tons of both flaming pink and virgin tan nuts daily. What better way to say “Nuts to You” to your favorite pistachio slave?

There are bound to be some people on your shopping list who may even be friends but are— ahem—boring. Accept them as they are and give them that special something that will fit right into their ho-hum lifestyle. An ant farm! Your friend tan spend hours in front of his new toy without moving a muscle, legitimately!

No hassle from friends and loved ones; he’s studying hjs ants...$1.50 from The Pet Store at Tel-Twelve Mall. For the busy executive who wants to unwind or for mute tortured im-

beciles who need to simulate the

effects of too much alcohol...a Sit & Spin, only $13.99 atFrentz & Sons Hardware, on Main Street in Royal Oak.

1 Horticultural hobbyists will love you for this. They can finally

_ prove to their scoffing friends that

talking to plants is worthwhile because you can hear the little devils talking back with the Green Thumb Plant Communicator #44880, only $14.95 from The Gallery, Amsterdam, N.Y.

Remember last New Year’s Eve? Don’t take any chances this year

— get yourself a Portable Oxygerr

Kit for X-mas now and spend a worryfree holiday with your little friend. #49990, also from the Gallery. $89.95 is a lot of money but ambulance rides cost much more.