The CREEM of Current Hootch

1. GUINNESS DRAFT

The only way to separate yourself from the rabble of beer-drinking slobs without trading in your favorite libation on some damn fag drink is to do it limey style. You want snob appeal and hops too, you get both in Guinness Stout or Watney's Ale, two of the finest drinks in kingdom come, on tap at the obscure little roadside pub of your choice. It costs but it's worth it and both get your head like a double-barreled Colt 45. Other avenues to the exotic margin of the beery bloa^paaegBabBOBf^Brift^yarews—NewcastlgJ&B^j^fw^tf name to dnpreven if you've never seenipy—andjtort§piRfie many fine local AmeJian bmmtei: L-oMteSta^Shieer. qpd PepilPexas); Anchor Steam in Frisco; ijpyal Amber (j^ncirt^^Pfica Rolling RocilpflNMM is c heap^p)uglMirMMldweil am the many fine Canadian beers, among whicplEabatt's &§ UmpMr COOTS is water.

2. TEQUILA SAUZA .. M

Thiactos pigd tfdienewf |ffc dibkam0ng4h£de§&rmis|edly mind-rotten. Poifcars^SBMMfcosraljg f»u&oy$ & Texas driqk ij®ro#ng idiotspmlra. Tegola ll&gyNianJii song about them. Now the waylfMp Tequila (and do it you will; it's not for nothiraphat it's t|p juice of choice^^MMM^PH^^i^^icul^H^ visual. of ps^^pd^^^is straight, buddy, with lime g|jjjf salt.ancWyb^totfe for th&pme and'Orasional crystalline punctuat|f!df the flow.'vwMPffiMe best brand available in the U.S. If you can getth^jpfexican stuff with the worm inflfj cq|pt yopself a true connoisseur and wemlh out forJ^$i|ying blind s|§>ts. JrjL;>flr

3. INGLENOOK WHITE WINE

We're speaking t|p^ani(j§o. Strange asilgpiy seem, perejrafejHfeers wjp> count the calori^ and space? and morality forbids m from plugging «e Uhelszki (remind Tab). Evel^^S^iifejws that wj|ite the kJpii fattening of alcoholic potions, anafiKowAWlso becqdp chic to orgir, haifng been PQDU larizedhuHoiluwoodvmagieBablicisttlifnonq otheipard-asses. Inglenook white in plastic cups is Veq/big with the forfiBhLdgpHand female singles crowd, so there sjib reason you shouldn't stuporize with it. J|i|>ecially since pop wines have bil||e dust—nobody, but nobody but t$mjpal backwoods cretins drinks anflUf that sugarv^i^^^fe flavored |»^anymore, especially since any idiot cad spend Jmeebliiili onTWMttilgafffnferior French! wine, learn to pronounce inot since Bordeaux, so give "em ttajMfej*wiose ^ be truly avant-gl$iSS| should check out the wei^fo offbrand import 99-cenf bins at the store, where various shi.^s from cknpSpe Portudll^SpffioftQentinJi and Yugoslavia can rangeJrom st^iiincf Iffidsr PgM&soIutea^FBuritav away from the Algerian Red, it's bm

4. JACK DANIEL'S BLACK I \

Glad to see some of you little buggers final^^^^iate'ijito real bopze| Jack's is not only the finest bdfejbonjn America, but carries thOtmRbtoatutfof folk like Mick Jagger (who dran^fifand Jimmy Page if you care. Keith Richards goes in more for Rebit^pl; an feremely sour mash availably! in the Suthun part of these states. To^Ny|pjaw^pkuiictorians^^^HS you're drinking J.W. Dant: congratulatib@!*Your n&lajMSBaftBular rung, rhajoring in hard-core alcoholism, is Scotch, and the only expensive Scotch. So you may have to start selling dope to support yourhabit.

5. STOLICHNAYA

Vodka is, after beer and wine, probably the first drink we all encountered at those teenage weekend highschool parties. First love, first pukes, first hangovers—such a romantic potable deserves more than mere tonic. It deserves communism. Or at least the snob appeal of Stolichnaya, a product from behind the Iron Curtain that lives up to its origin and price with totalitarian tang. For best results, freeze the bottle in a block of ice, get a spigot and tap it ice cold. Other winners: Poland's Zubrovka, a herbal flavored potion, and Wybyrova. Two straight shots and you're ready for the fire brigade. Also puts the red in your Bloody Mary.

6. COURVOISIER

Maybe it was the Faces or just that everybody developed a tolerance to prole. guzzle and wanted a more aristocratically refined way to plow their cerebrums under, but cognac is definitely in ascendance, and Courvoisier seems to be the fave rave. It's sweet (even smells nice)., it's delicious (goes superfine with vanilla ice cream if you're'into delicacies as well as destruction), and it kicks your head straight into the ditch. Pick up today, and try it heatedwarms the soul all winter.

7. GIN

Is like riding on a cloud, definitely a drug among alcohols, and there's no better time to get into the grain Of things than whenever you regain consciousness . One good thing to remember is that gin is as good from the still as it'll ever be, aging is inoperative, so gin is by definition cheap. (So cheap that when it was first introduced to Anglo-Saxons, according to House & Garden "s Drink Guide ,'it "almost ruined England because gin became too cheap, too popular and too easy to get. Whole sections of the population were in a constant state of euphoria—sloshed, to put it bluntly.") What all this means is "that snob appeal is also inoperative, so you might as well bypass Tanqueray, jwhteh is too sweet anyway, and head straight for a nice dry gulp like Gilbey's. ®1roF|)ferfe^SWstferjhowever, an extra dry Beefeater martini straight up with an olive may be" mili|fj|ggate gin rush.

8. CHAMPAGNE& ^I|M|GE JUICE

appeal: what bd the young nouveau riche (and not so nouveau) dnfi^at their lawn partiiifcGrosse Pointe, the Hamptons, Cape Cod? What di|ihe Stones serve for blfe|%fast on their jet in "72? What would llo||>e8^if|s|iepng alkie' touch? This rhra^re. Brand of choice is Moet & Chandon, which CFUp0M gave Mick Jaqjjlgr his latest birthday and also * got'aeted mOueen^Cff^f ■Que^n," althougBjbou're a real cool snot you'll clicl^^BSmittinaer.

9. AMARETTO DI SARONNO

Nc|i|g^f§^pp,nner. You're Iightinaa Royal Jai^icart, while the waiter brmgpme espresso, and you dejfffBnlfpiliak.can staMJhe dull licorice taste ofctfaat cheaii&niselte one me&fjonger. It's"^pSI^mM^^ntine title roll ffrcpjlhe baclIg^oi^tongue.^W^u-were^KossatsffiPrazzHtbjploring Gina TirtlJIriaida to her chincfpfa rob^^iftafetto's demb||raphics are anding faster? tharl^lton Johrft everyone fronffCWiS^wan-izers to CKEEM'S busines£&ff|rs to PuertoRican disco bunnies are mining onto ||j|e sweet, light, almond flavored liqueur. Nov»lillSl.tt is one of ll||e most pleasant tastes available*! slowly. Tob much too soon will tum^our.plains into mashed potatoes. Amaretto is also commonly known as the u|pifath«lSidrfKk. If offered—do hot refuse.

10. RUSpi COFFEE

Q: What ^j)ou drinkwlM|uoM'u^bien out all nightSozingand doping wffiyJj^M^lddtes and you're sitting in a restaurant in Bm wee hours collectively nodding all oyer^ tcple while the eth$|Mt$iter stares scimitars at your noibHy wq^>r?

A: Irish coffee (coffee with whatever your choice of hootch is in it, although ■"Trpfi wbfskies are probablyjitebest mix), which will|||!ep you blotto but also with enbtlgh caffe^^ft just possibly get you home instead of the I emergency ward. t'hi^drfflMSs'^lso-become ni^pro uno with all the chichi the Marin'Coqht|^dneyed |»rtsy crowd.

piBBLiNG UNDER: MORNING EXPRESS

Iwh^^s^a iterary handfe5tf-the most lu^i^us hangover cure we've ever heard of: undiluted oraq^lufce Concentrate mixed with a fifth of bourbon. Which is our choice forprimo hangoyblbure, since there is no such thing as cugmYou0^ pout kicks last night, buffoon, now you must suffer. (Actually cured bsg§C6mbination of Percodan and Placidyl, but j^^"^w^^u^ing nar^pj^lfiere.) Other unlikely recommendations: beer wplJBeQuila; Bloodypt»ystill dusk, Brioschi, Valium and/or amphetamines , and Menudo, a Mexican tripe stew available only in i^lxis" which a friend swears by. We swebr by everything on the menu at Taco Bell—if you're gonna selfidestruct, go all the way. W