MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine

P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

LYRICS MADE LOUCID I have two questions for you concerning Lou Reed. First, on the song “Kill Your Sons,” he says “CREEM won’t treat me very good,” but what does he say on the next line? I played it over a hundred times but can’t figure it out.

Second, have you ever seen Lou with a smile on his face? If you have a pic of him smiling, please print it. I’ll bet ya don’t. If you think my handwriting sucks, you should see my typing.

Jerry Dwaileeke Bradford, Pa.

(On “Kill Your Sons” Lou sings, “Creedmore treated me very good, the Payne Whitney was even better, ” referring to two mental hospitals in New York where he vacationed. Don’t feel bad, first time Lester Bangs heard this he thought Lou was saying “the cane whipping was even better. ” Just goes to show our imaginations are often more puriently inventive than our heroes’. And incidentally, Lou did give CREEM a free plug from the stage during his recent Detroit gig; during the middle of “Walk on the Wild Side” he

changed the lyrics to "All the kidz at CREEM givin’ head/Said hey Lester Bangs you creep, take a walk on the wild side. ” Thanx Lou, you’ll always be.our fave slave. - Ed.)

BEYOND THE NUCLEAR FAMILY Hey whatta cover on Lou Reed’s Sally Can’t Dance album! Too bad he had to spoil it all by puttin’ another depressin’ record in it. What is it with Lou anyway? Sure I dig him, but he’s still singing (?) about death, drugs and getting wasted. This is what he says abqut his sister’s husband: “He’s big and he’s fat and he doesn’t even have a brain.” I’m glad Mr. Reed isn’t my brother-in-law, and I’m a chick and I’m skinny. This album is kinda like Berlin. And there’s a part in the record where he says, “And the dog goes, “Bow-woww’ and the cat goes, ‘Meee-yowwwww.” Man, what a Diamond Dog rip-off. Rip-arf? Gee, I feel guilty about sayin’ all those bad things. . . Yesterday I got Lou Reed’s new album. It’s so refreshing to hear Lou singing about cute cuddly little animals and granola ...

Decadently,

Margo

Montebello, Calif.

(Your last sentence explains why Sally hit top ten. In answer to your earlier question and the letter preceding, Lou is depressed and never smiles because he doesn’t want his slimy fans to know he still wears braces. - Ed.)

LOU'S FINEST MOMENT There I was.. . ballin’ the daylites out of Old Grace while watching Meet Me in St. Louis (Judy and that “Trolley Song” inspired “Hijack”) when after a L’eggs commercial, an announcer with one of those faceless voices said “Follow the bouncing ball... ” and they rock on with “Sally Can’t Dance” as a sing-a-long. And for the love of China ... it was Lou! Looking as wasted as ever, with his bleached hair and leather... then casually takes off the sunglasses and put them back on! It was a lot better than the White Levis (the commercial by M uh - Jefferson who?) and it ranks up there with Mickey Dolenz’s “greatest hits” commercial. Sans commercialism;. .. it was great!

-j Excuse me, now. Grace gonna turn “The Sensuous Woman” back 100 years by doing the Nabisco Snack-Mate Chedder Cheese Wriggle.

Retardedly yours,

Paul Kantassnerr

Jefferson Stardummies

P.S. Want “Two Heads” on Boy Howdy -Grace.

BELLE SPOKEN

The men of the South are not, as your “young lady of Gulf States” termed them: “pussies.” Instead they are a tough people who have managed to retain a somewhat down-home outlook, the quiet characteristics of hunting and fishing with skill-and pride, of manners befitting the styles of the older times, where women are handled carefully and men are handled quickly. Men in Southern bands find no need to wear glitter and gold, but dress modestly in comfortable clothes of more practical style. Their music is not an act, but an understandable and basic music, based on blues and bluegrass which have been with this country since its beginnings. The South is the only area of the country which really strives to keep its roots, an area of proud people who live a slower but more peaceful pace than someone writhing to the sounds (note, not music) of the Dolls. Southern music leaves you happy, rather than physically and emotionally spent.

To get a more accurate look at Southern men, music and their ladies (an item found rarely in the North, a lady is a combination of womanhood and strong home values) get your writer out of Grant’s lounge and on the road with some smaller (and probably lesser known, north of the Mason-Dixon line) bands.

So Nancy Alexander ran into some juvenile lads on her vacation ... tsk ... you should see the young Northern punks all bold and brashness who thumb their way to the South and make total idiots out of themselves by saying, “I didn’t know they played rock and roll down here.”

From someone who does SUPPORT SOUTHERN MUSIC Sue Martin Orlando, Fla.

CRACKER KICKS BACK AT WIMMEN Mr. Editor,

I read the article ‘ When In Doubt Kick Ass!” (Nov. issue). I mean really that chick is some kind of egocentric asshole. Some of her answers were right. Ex.: Dudes hugging eabh other and not being faggots. But I think she generalized, the hell out of the Southern Man.

First off the chicks are really spaced out. You can’t date one chick over twice without the whole damn world thinking your in love with her. Especially her! Plus the fact that their Southern Bell old ladies have branded sex as a complete disease. Now try to make love to a five and one half foot ice cube with the bag still on and you’ll see what I mean.

All my friends like women, dudes, wine ...etc. All equally! Some of them like hunting too, but that gun bit that the girl said 16 ridiculous. If the dudes didn’t get satisfaction out of “fucking” then why in the hell do they do it? I know when I make love to a “woman” I make the most out of it. First I make sure she is completely satisfied and I usually don’t have any problem myself. I dig the shit out of it. Another thing, about either being real narcissistic or paranoid about “our” bodies. I’ve got scars on my chest from the neck to the naval and they don’t bother me one damn bit. When I start to make love to a woman I tell her I was burned so she doesn’t freak out when she sees them. If anything the damn girls are paranoid. The first two bitches I went to bed with were real fun. The first one wouldn’t let me take her bra off but she let me ball her. The second was wondering if I could tell by looking or feeling if one boob was smaller than the other. I said that one of them felt a little smaller but so what I only have one (The other was burned in a fire Ha-Ha really). She still got upset and embarassed.

\ I don’t believe us dudes have our limitations.

Pussies my ass. She’s pretty one-sided isn’t she. Sure we’re all pussies and have periods once a month too. She must have a PHD or something to back her up. Probably a twelve inch vibrator with french ticklers. I bet more girls raise hell than dudes. Oh yea, we’re real fragile don’t say fuck, dick, eat me, blow me, suck ass, or cocksucker around us. We might get red faced.

I just hope the next dude (Southern) she fucks pins her ass to the wall and when she says I can’t go no more, I hope he drives it up her ass till she screams The Rebels Are Coming!

The point being that “woman” (I hope), really generalized the Southern man as a stiff, pussy, who can’t fuck without putting on a three act play.

Bozo Brazel Charleston, S.C.

NEXT BIG THING STRIKES AGAIN /

I just wanted to ask you to do a review of our latest album entitled: I (one). It’s fantastic and it’s produced by Todd Rundgren. My group is gonna be the group of the CENTURY. We’re gonna revolutionize the entire world of music. The name is Cornelius, Droopey and Jughead. The best guitarist: Droopey from the late great Banana Splits. The best bassist: Cornelius from the now-defunct Evolution Revolution, and me Jughead, the best drummer, from the supergroup of the Sixties: The Archies.

Now that’s what I call a band! So don’t forget the name of the next supergroup: “Cornelius, Drbopey and Jughead.”

Jughead, leader of CDJ

(We heard Ringo was joining, what happened? -Ed.)

AROUND THE WORLD IN 8 NON SEQUITURS

Well I’ve finally seen the world without having to join the navy, and I thought you might like to know whats happening round the globe.

The capital of New Zealand is Wellington.

In Australia the rednex are known as “coots” and Bobby Darin’s “Funny What Love Can Do” is in plentiful supply (R.I.P. Bob). Philippine men like to fuck sideways;

In India “The Inner Light” by the Beatles has been No. 1 for 328 straight weeks. No. 2 is “Rain.”

Viennese women use stale strudel as a dildo. Italy has the highest rate of amnesia among cabdrivers.

Amsterdam has more Americans in the summer than Portland Oregon and Littleton New Hampshire combined. PU!

Saw Bruce Palmer (bassist with Buffalo Springfield) at the Garden of Findhorn, Scotland.

Also gof a demo tape of a great new psychedelic s & ni band called Windowpain. Half of ’em are from Tibet and the others are children of Nazi exiles. Should break out in the summer of ’75. Hot Poop!

Ugly American Back Home

Get my Tahitian PostCard?

ANOTHER VEGETABLE WRITES I’ll take this time ta let u in on the newest rage before it happenz (and remember u read it here). Have u heard about the experiments scientists have been doin With plant reactions n responses? Well this gUy is actually putting out an album uv - that’s right - plant muzik. Jeff n I were discussing the social implications of this, you’ll have plant concerts; picture it - 50,000 peoploidz packed into Madison Sq. with a small stage in the center. All the NY elite (middle-aged trash), trash (NY kidz), and teenybopperz will bee there. Suddenly ... pre-scent-ing... you’ll be wiggy over Diggy Plantdust. the NY Plants, Robert Plant, and Lou Reed with “Sally Can’t Plant” and “Plantformer.” Yes, even lggy & the Plants (masochistic asparagus) with “Planthouse” (say he’z frum Ann Arbor izn’t he?)

TURN TO PAGE 82.

My god, kidz mite even dye their hair leaf green and wear leaf capes and HIGH-HEELED ROOTS! Ya know, the more I think about this the stupider it gets.

V. Snow

Whitehouse, New Jersey (We use letters like this for chlorophyller. — Ed.)

SUZI'S NO FLOOZY

In concern of you November issue of CREEM, Suzi Quatro “Elvis as Virgin Queen” by Jaan Uhelszki. I would like to state that one article I read elsewhere Suzi “leather lips” said she was not a virgin and she didn’t want to state who her first doer was. Now in your article she says “You know how it was if you didn’t put out... and I’m still a virgin,” she adds coyly. Is she or not a virgin?

Now to continue I would like to say I wouldn’t imitate her for shit. I’m into my own thing whatever it is and she’s into her unisex rock shit. So I’m one girl who ain’t gonna imitate Suzi in years to come. And I don’t care if you’re 23 and still don’t know how to go to the bathroom, I really couldn’t tell you how to go babe, cause I don’t know what you got under those leather tights.

ABB

Philadelphia, Pa.

(She’s made by Mattel. - Ed.)

HOT FOR QUAT

I would like to say that a while back I bought a issue of CREEM. In the mail column, a guy wrote his feelings about Suzi Quatro and all Lester Bangs on-his-ass had to say in reply was,“That’s Suzi Quatro, who could chew you up and spit you out, boy.” Now, I don’t know what the other readers think but I can plainly see why he would fall for her. It seems to me that Mr. Bangs is over protective of Suzi and wants her to himself alone. To be honest, I kind of dig her myself.

A concerned Rock Fan

(Keep wishing. Maybe you'll get Dana Gillespie. - Ed.)

WHIZONER OF LOVE I am into synthesizers (How do I get out). .Mamba Itzu Quadrant 5AR Mars

(Move ’em South and they melt. - Ed.)