MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

DEAR CREEM

If Nixon is just a banality, how come I miss having him to kick around anymore?

Steak ‘n’ Kidney Bob

Texarkana, N.J.

(To get to the other side. — Ed.)

HOW CREEM CUMS

I’m thinking of subscribing to CREEM (Creem). But first, I must know 1 (one) thing: when you mail the latest issue to my house, does it cum (come) in a sturdy (brown) envelope, or does, it come as is, with a mailing label on the cover?

If it comes in a brown (and sealed) envelope, I will buy a subscription, because if my Mommy and Daddy cot (caught) me reading such trash, they would beat me bluddy (bloody).

Thank ya (you),

Quick Dick

Pittsburgh, Pa.

P.S. How could you compare the N.Y. Dolls to the Blue Oyster Cult? What’s better: Johansen’s or Bloom’s vocals? Thunder’s or Roeser’s lead guitar? Nolan’s or Bouchard’s drums? Christ! There’s no contest! B.O.C. wins easily! The Dolls are DOODY!

(First, it comes in a bottle, obviously. But a mallard is attached. Tell your Mommy and Duddy that if they don’t leave you and your CREEM alone, we’ll send Arthur Kane (Doll No. X) to bite their straps and whiz them. As for Dolls vs. Cult, David Johansen plays better Chinese checkers than Eric Bloom, who has himself thru several years of Eastern discipline attained a mastery of the aquatic pogo stick unchallenged outside of North Vietnam. Nobody sings. As. for the other guys, they just play instruments, they don’t count. — Ed.)

NO MARRAIGEWANNA

1974 is marked. This past June my best friend was. . .er, hurriedly married. Steve Holsey of the Michigan Chronicle has a sister I was getting to know until she told me she was to be married in two years. My best friend’s ex-girl is to be married next year. Two of my cousins were married within a month (July). My sister is getting married soon. All of this I can endure. But Jim Webb married? The main influence on my own writing? Remember when he launched The Brooklyn Bridge: “I’ll never get married, never get married, you know that’s not my scene”? I tell you, it’s the worst that could happen to me.

Tyrone Williams

Rock ’n’ Soul Poet

Big D, Mich.

(It is not; what if Paul Anka were having your baby?) — Ed.)

SNOOZE OFFS

Speaking of contests, the winner of ours “Who Can Fall Asleep At the Loudest Concert? Contest” still hasn’t been decided.

Kathy didh t fall asleep at the Dolls’ concert at the Aragon — she PASSED OUT. A soporific stupor it was, so she’s been disqualified and that leaves just me (a Johnny Winter performance unfortunately) or Bucki & Mary Lou (who succumbed to the cacophonous drones of Deep Purple). It looks like a tie to me, how’s by you?

At any rate, CREEM’s the only mag where I read every word, even the ads! One thing more: I got The Stooges for $2.50 (bargain rack at Swollen Head). How come I play it more than 16 & Savaged, which was $5.98 at Polk Bros.?? Wotta world.

Love to y’all

Linda

Brookfield, Ill.

(The Winner is a girl of our acquaintance who slept through six hours of carnal borage -literal sense — by David Bowie. — Ed.)

GOIN' UPSIDE YOUR TED

wow! it’s ted nugent! remember him? it was so long ago but now he’s back: hardass creepo rock pretender from detroit city who played flashy crap white guitar with the amboy dukes, greasy avant-garde band that turned out a thousand local hits in the motor capital: safe suburban pop fpr the AM kids, well, he’s got a new album coming out as well as a 2-pager in the august issue of creem: he hunts his own food with a bow and arrow, likes cactus & is the greatest guitar player in the world cause he says he is. the rest of them he doesn’t like: alvin lee is too mechanical, hendrix was a doper, mclaughlin and allman are assholes cause the one is too far out and ted can’t understand anything past michigan & the other one rode a motorcycle & he’s dead too. they were all dead-ends. & who isn’t these days? except ted nugent. he’s just a bigger jerk than i thought,

eddie cupps

jersey

CRUSH TO JUDGMENT

After reading the great article on Ted Nugent,

I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if you had “pushed” him a little bit more:

CREEM: What about. Robert Fripp?

Nugent: You put me on the same plateau as that asshole? He can’t even keep in tune or stay in key; hits wrong notes. Anyway, I don’t go for all that “drugged up” music. CREEM: Fripp plays “drugged up” music? Nugent: Well he plays “music” anyhow. I can’t even pick out a lick there’s, so much music. I’d crush him!

CREEM: You’d crush Robert Fripp?

Nugent: I’d crush the fucker. He’s a tiny little guy — can’t be more than five feet tall. He sits down when he plays. Lazy bastard. If I even catch him sitting down at a gig I’ll kick the stool right out from under him and then I’d take the legs and crush his face. I’d crush his teeth out. I’d smash his fairy mellotron, the* faggot-brained fuzz-sox smack head!

CREEM: Fripp’s a smack head?

Nugent: He bathes in it.

Garry Velletri

Poughkeepsie, N.Y.

(How did you get the out takes of our Nugent I tape? — Ed.)

WIPED OFF

I was reading in your interesting mag where Ted Nugent claimed to be the world’s best guitarist. Well, he can’t be, because I am. I’ve been playing for ten years and can easily wipe him off the stage.

So, Ted, if you’re reading this, you’ve been hereby challenged by a superior musician. And don’t shoot me with your bow and arrow when you lose.

Waiting for your reply,

Alan Stewart

Gastonia, N.C.

GET IT WHILE YOU CAN

I have come across some tapes that might be of interest to your readers.

1) Jimi Hendrix jamming with Stu Sut: cliffe.

2) Jimi Hendrix jamming with Andres Segovia.

3) Jimi Hendrix jamming with the Boston Pops.

4) Jimi Hendrix jamming with Julia Child at the Hamburg Greece Club in Pisa, Turkey. “This one really cooks” - Ronald McDonald.

Bidding starts at the equivalent in Swiss Francs of West Germany’s Gross National Product for 1970. Principals only.

Sincerely yours,

Andrew Allen Specter

Tallahatchie, Baltimore

(That’s nothing, we got Janis Joplin with Tangerine Dream at the Village Gate. Though the quality is poor - Janis’ mike was channeled through Edgar Froese’s synthesiser, making her sound like Nico in an osterizer -we’ll trade it for any tape Of Lou Reed’s historic jam with George Shearing on “Lichtensteiner Polka,” or Alice Cooper’s Killer outtake of “Til Eulenspeigel’s Merry Prinks.” Collectors take note. — Ed.)

WISH YOU WERE DEAD

Having wonderful time. . .Wish you were here.

Love,

Melani

Boardwalk North of Playland

Wildwood By the Sea, N.J.

(How’s the banana fish? - Ed.)

A REAL SICKO

I seem to be in need of help. You see - I can’t stand the New York Dolls. Is there something wrong with me? Can you recommend some sort of treatment?

Thank you, CREEM

Doug Farmer

(bassist for the only decent band to come out of)

Syracuse, Nebraska

P.S. The picture of Sable Starr on page 42 was very cute, but will she lay?

(1. What are you some kind of homo? 2. Depends what you feed her. - Ed.)

CRACK IN THE MIRROR

I am proud to announce that there is a new rock rag that is going to wipe you out. It is called PHLEEM, of which I am owner, publisher, and editor. It will look a lot like your magazine because I have stolen most of your writers and their features. The first edition of Phleem is ready to hit the stands and it will look something like this:

COVER: An exclusive photo of Lancelot Link & the Evolution Revolution.

LETTERS: An anguished wimp asks us how come he has lost all his pimples by playing Raw Power backwards.

CONSUMER GUIDE: Richard Harris: “Richard Harris Recites the Poetry of Brownsville Station” (Tamla). B minus.

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL NEWS: Freddy and the Dreamers will tour again.

THE BEAT GOES ON: Tips for thumbing it across Amerika by Jerry Garcia and Arthur Kane, and pur first annual Johnny Tillotson lookalike contest.

ARTICLES: “Black Sabbath: Death May Be Our Santa Claus;” “Kenny Rogers: I Am the World’s Greatest Guitarist;” “Little Richard On Golden Earring;” “Uriah Heep: Yes, We Are Queers;” and the exclusive Arthur Kane Interview.

ELEGANZA: The Larry Mondello look.

DUST MY PUBIC: R. tells how he talked Todd Rundgren into trading his ’66 Jim Paglironi for a ’67 Diego Segui (baseball cards).

MOVIES: Kiss Joins the Marines reviewed by Beck, Bogart & Appice.

PHLEEM’S PROFILES: Jay and the Americans:

BOOKS: Lester Bangs’ Music Is My Slut, reviewed by Duke Ellington.

RECORD REVIEWS: The New York Dolls Live in Bogota, The Best of Kitty Carlisle, and Mick Jagger/Dicky Betts/ Flo & Eddie/ Marty Thau/ Steve Winwood/ Steve Stills/Ian Hunter/Buddy Cage/ Jose Chepito Areas/Al Chilton/Wayne County: Jammin’ With Raul, reviewed by John Chancellor.

Plus we’ve added some other features that you should try:

MEDECINE & HEALTH: Iggy’s first abortion and visit with a medical phenomenon: Noddy Holder’s vocal chords.

SEX: Marc Bolan: How to pick up old bags — and bagpipes.

ART: Jim Dandy cuts off an ear, and finger painting with (you guessed it) Arthur Kane and Jerry Garcia.

ROCK KIDS: Bianca Jagger’s secret affair with Keith’s four year old, and Zowie Bowie: Is Being A Wimp Hereditary, Part 1.

DEATH: Wayne Fontana’s suieide note; and Lou Reed’s perfect coffin.

Yours and always blatant,

Professor Dill Doe

PHLEEM Magazine

Zorro of Sorrows University

(You’ve been bugging our staff meetings. -Ed.)

SCHMEBBLE BABBLE

This is in reply to Capt. Z, and droogs

I heard the album and thought it was great

and now I’m sure that I can state

hey, DAVE! it sounds alright

hey, DAVE! I’ll spend the night

we love you and we want it more

we love your lyrics, yes we think they’re fine

he put you down, we say he’s wrong

ah come on, Dave, sing it strong

DAVID BOWIE, your bod’s alright

DAVID BOWIE, let’s freak out tonight

DAVID BOWIE, oh now you know

GLITTER KING, we love you so

Weird &Gilly,

The Spiders From Marrs

Hartford, Conn.

(See, anybody can do it. - Ed.)

TURN TO PAGE 80.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

GOD SQUEAKS

The issue on Hollywood was completely inaccurate. Everyone knows that Rodney is not hip! Nothing ever happens at Rodney’s. Last week he hung a big Welcome New York Dolls sign out, and they didn’t even come! Doug Weston is the latest Hollywood joke. How could you possibly leave Chucky Starr out and mention Zolar X? Those guys are just cashing in on the AC/DC craze. The Hollywood Stars shouldn’t be allowed to use that name, they’re so bad. Sable Starr saw 200 Motels and decided to be queen of the munchkin tits. Then, the map of Hollywood’s hot spots is all wrong! My god, you put Rodney’s on the wrong side of the street, I don’t care that you left me out of your list of people. And I know for a fact that the greatest guitar player in the world isn’t Ted Nugent. It’s me.

Bless you,

god

P.S. I love Iggy.

SUBURBLE

Those California girls may be reet, but you’ll find ’em just as nice or nicer in Scarsdale, Skokie, Shaker Heights, Coral Gables, and all throughout suburbia. Once repressed as a hotbed for materialism and the American dream, suburbia is now, once again, the place to be. 70’s decadence has taught us to appreciate whatever freeride comfort we can grab. And our parties are just as good as a night at Rodney’s. In fact, Rodney can go hang himself, and we in Scarsdale woudn’t care or notice. Same for all his Sweet 45’s. Your friend,

Korvette Cohen

a stately (until 9 p.m. each evening) NY suburb

P.S. Dave Marsh is a definite improvement over that Shaw character.

(You’re right! — Ed.)

FEEDING OFF THE COUNTER CARCASS The saving grace of CREEM (and, in these days of decline, decadence, and imaginative bankruptcy in rock and its “culture” alike, any saving grace really stands out) is the healthy sense of parody which has crept into recent issues. As rock slid into self-caricature, it was depressing indeed to see you still take it seriously. However, your sense of humpr seems to keep you — and perhaps your more aware readers — from going down with the ship. Congrats! Many of us first got into the rockin’ chair because some genuine alternatives for life and culture seemed appearing. But since it’s become the ultimate in consumer luxuries, it’s nice to have a mag who can help us keep our sense of perspective. Yowza!

Charlie Stevenson

Baltimore, Md.

(Rock who? - Ed.)

WASTED IS AS WASTED. . .UH. . .

I’m tired of seeing all those ads of what a wasted boy Jay Gatsby is. I bet ya a bottle of Sominex that at LEAST an 8th of the Drugies around here are as wasted as this Jay character and they don’t put ads in your magazine about it. I bet my brain looks more like a ball of cotton than his!

P.S. Let’s have some Groundhog articles more of Led Zep and how about a pin up of Sable (lower lips showing please).

C.Winz Newark, Ohio

(So whaddaya want, a record contract? -Ed.)