MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine

P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, M1 48012

DEAR CREEM

Whether you are a doctor or not, I wish you would analyze some dream's:

1) I dreamt that Fred Flintstone was singing “COCONUT” while dancing down the street of Bedrock and

2) My brother dreamt that people had Jethro Tull albums between their legs. TRUE!!!

Sincerely,

Sick and Sick’s Brother, Stupid

Howard, Rhode Island

(1. This dream means that th& revolution is coming; 2. You will meet John Forsythe: -Ed.)

RX FOR FAILURE

You have now printed two of my letters. Hot drippy damn. I could get uppity and demand that my name be printed in the Staff box, but instead I’ll be a nice guy and simply unleash my formula for success on the world."

Readers, to force CREEM to acknowledge you and your letters, do the following:

a) buy at least four T-shirts,

b) order all the back issues you can,

c) bother them sporadically with drunken,

poorly spelled reviews (stains on the paper help),

d) name Lester Bangs the only writer in rock and roll better than Ian Hunter,

e) change your address often. That way you’re harder to keep track of,

, and f) close with a meaningless P.S. They always throw away the letter and print the P.S.

You’re welcome,

G.R. Morton

Salem, Ore. •

P*S. I -knew the answers but I didn’t want the prize.

POINTS TO PANDER

Your February issue was your best yet, I mean it did things to the inside of my head like a wet tongue. Wet and hot! Just how I like ’em. But easy oh the violence pleased Jerry Nolan and macho don’t belong in the same, book. Besides roller skates are safer than motorcycles.

Her backstage pass was nice but she should have put it over her face!

More of THIS (FAGS ’N’ FLASH) and less of THAT (ROCK ’N’ ROLL MONOTONY BOOGIE MAN).

THE LESSON, for this trip: Don’t be so quick to belittle the efforts of those who seek to make the world a better place. You must ,dp more than just make fun of Lou Reed; you must send John Lennon an Easter Card.

Right off you schleppers,

Melvin Haney

Petticoat junction

MAGGOT EPIPHANY

The burger story was right on the money. It’s about time somebody gave white Castle maggot burgers the credit this sleazoid institution deserves. One night about 3 in the morning we stopped at W.C.’s to. sit down and have the usual four-on-one and a carton of chocolate milk. Next to us sat two derelicts with scabby faces who started singing Johnny Horton’s “The Battle of New Orleans*” The guy wearing an orange Plymouth racing stripe jacket told me what he thought were the best songs ever made: “The Battle of New Orleans,” “The Battle Hymn pf the Republic,” “Sink the Bismark,” “Blue Navy Blue,” “Soldier Boy,” “The Ballad of the Green Berets” and “My Girl.”

On cue bis sidekick started finger popping and going “Bum ba dadda dadda bum, da dadda dadda I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.” - T~

Four of us joined him in drunken harmony witji the stainless steel providing wonderful acoustics. When we got to the “I guess you say.. .’’ part, the waitress told us to get out or we’d be smashed in the face With a spatula. With every burp the next morning I relived that epiphany. Oh Lester if you see Judy Linn tell her Spanish may be the loving tongue but who needs a spic lick?

Craig Piechura

Detroit, Mich.

KANGAROO BURGERS TO THE DEAD

Your article on the Grateful Dead was RILLY SPIFF cuz everybody knows that the Dead are the MOST BORING GROUP IN THE WHCXpE UNIVERSE in either form, either the spazzo head jamz . or the country good vibe scunge.

The burger review was good;but you neglected1 to include Pittsburg’s very own Winky’s the original dungheap-to-you home of stuff like cole slaw that they spill on the floor, scoop back into the bowl and serve anyway (a friend who worked at 6ne told me about that), kangaroo' meat burgers (there was actually a big scandal over this, I’m not kidding), _ Pizza Turnovers filled with kitty droppings, old rusty nails and other dynamite stuff. Now that’s a bitch, in fact Winky’s is really biichin’, they were 10 years old in 1973 so hey let’s hear if for them and the Graceful Dead too, if they lived in Pittsburgh they’d eat there all the time.

W.T. Koltek

Pittsburgh, Pa.

TACO BULL

Deeply appreciated your article on hamburger joints (JOINTS!!!) Ydu see, I applied for a job at Taco Bell here. (I need money to subscribe to your ritzy magazine.) Anyway, they told me to get my hair cut whitewalls around my ears and they might consider me. So’s I told them to cram their tortillas up their right nostrils in unison. Really, what would you rather have in your food - a hair or some greaser’s Aqua Velva?

So I’m glad you said they were shit cuz it just might put them out of business. hopefully. (Really, they are the worst, I ate a tortilla and came down with nausea, diarrhea, and beri-beri.)

J*C. .

' 'St. Louis, Mo.

EATING SUPPLICANT

There’s also Tommy’s No. 2, a rather provincial Sherman Oaks franchise, across the street from Busch Gardens and the Budweiser plant, but No,, 2 hasn’t the same slapdash architecture, neon advertising dr convenient parking of the original. This is American Plastic, a kind of miscengation of Tommy’s with McDonald’s, or maybe Dairy Queen. The food’s the same, but it doesn’t seem to taste as good because the atmosphere is gone — no everr muttering chicano grill-cooks, no Oriental counterman whizz-bang-flinging the burgers into their wrappers and up bn the deck. Even the line is controlled by metal bars, unlike the Original where the line sort of free-lances out of the street comer stand into the driveway and onto the sidewalk. You feel at the new place not as a participant in some Hollywood cultural rite, but like a supplicant.

Mike Glyer

Bruce Townley

Alexandria, Va.

ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING

H You’ve had over a year now, so what the hell is that garbled message at the end of “The Concert For Bangla Desh”?

2. What the hell is wrong with Bowie’s left pupil??

3., Alice, Bowie, Reed, Iggy and the rest are not queers! Bolan’s the queer! Wise Up!

4. God!! Marie Osmond is a 'doll!! Too bad “Paper Noses” is such a lousy song.

5. You guys have never said one good word

about Iggy, the Stooges, or ‘‘Raw Power” now have you??? ' ^

6. When the hell is this world gonna stop tryin to find ^things wrong with every new Stones' LP and start enjoyin ’em?? ;

7. Has anyone ever seen Jimmy Seals with his hat off?

8. Does John Denver stand a chance to take over David Bromberg’s title as the “funniest looking male performer”? ;

9. I got it all figured out now!... Carly Simon-Taylor tries too hard and Helen Reddy doesn't try enough! Hmmm...

A CREEM addict

Tom Byme

Hanover, New Jersey

(1. “You’ve got an uncle in the furniture business: Joshua Doore. ” 2. It flunked three grades. 5. We’ll try to correct that. 6. When Keith plays a solo. 7. That’s hot a hat, it’s a wen. 8.' Who’s the funniest looking female performer? P Ed.)

NEIL YOUNG, TEENYBOPPER

I was in Long Beach March 24 when David Crosby introduced “the first song Neil Young ever wrote, back when he was 15.” The song concerned? The same song Lestfer Bangs called “the most lyrically advanced (in terms of his development)”: “Last Dance.” Honestly...

Larry Boyd

Ex-leader of Ozob and the Narx (Band) \

Devon, Pennsylvania (There are all kinds of growths. - Ed.)

STOOGE VS. MIDLER

This letter is basically directed to the disgusting little sewer rat who put down the Divine Miss “M” in your last issue. Anyone who could say anything like that about Bette Midler mus| have a mind which compares to a toilet!

As for Crescenzo Capece, if he rips off her head, she’s so good that she could probably sing through her asshole!;

And getting back to you, Stooge fan, (with fans like you, Iggy’s finished!) I think you should be flayed over hot coals, disemboweled, slit from throat to navel, and dumped into a volcano!

And furthermore, I THINK THE MOST PAINFUL THING INJTHE WORLD WOULD BE TO HEAR IGGY AND THE STOOGES SINGING “LEADER OF THE PACK”! Love, one of the eight million Better Midler fan clubs worldwide!.

Timmins

Ontario, Canada

(How about Bette on “Penetration”? - Ed.)

STOOGE QUIZ

I have two questions on the Stooges. First: do you think Iggy Pop is really the court jester for “Woodstock Nation”? Second, do you think the Stoogies will ever be on the Tonight show? Please print this.

Thanx,

Mike Bockenstette

St. Clair Shores, Mich.

(I. Couldn’t find it on the map so we don’t know1, Z When 1 ruman Capote replaces Johnny Carson. - Ed.)

BABY DOLLS RUTHLESS

What the hell is this crap, “When I say I’m in love, you best believe I’m in love, L.U.V.”?

As quoted by my friend Bob after reading a review of the Polls. “I like the way the writer in the first paragraph describes them as ‘ruthless.’ I have yet to see a fuckin faggot dressed up as a transvestite look ‘ruthless^”

We’ll stick with Led Zeppelin!

B.B. & M.B.

Lafayette, Tn.

(Better look again. - Ed.)

KREEM KODE KRACKED I’m not one myself, but I felt I should, call something to the glitter studded eyes of your gay fans. I’ve never seen such Discrimination against you gyes (gals)? of the pink persuasion.

In your January issue I noted (at least in my copy) that the number “69” on page sixty nine was printed smaller, thinner, and not as dark as the numbers on other pages. You'd better watch it! I wouldn’t be serprized if a few people .with a little red around those pink necks beat the bloody shit out of you.

A concerned Bi-stander

Morrow, Ga.

(Boy, nothing gets by you. - Ed.)

TURN TO PAGE 82.

MAIL

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10.

FATSOS REBEL

This letter is really directed to Lisa Robinson about her Eleganza column.

Her copy may be alright for skinny twerps like Iggy and David Bowie. But what about us^ Leslie West look alikes?I’m happy being the way I am, I don’t want to diet to get into those clothes. So what about an article on where Leslie gets his clothes.

I was just at a Mountain concert and Leslie was in glitter pants. Now where did Leslie get them? I?d like a pair.

Left-Hand Luke and the O. Rex Boys

Timex, Colo.

ALL THAT GLITTERS AIN'T YANKEE I’m writing this letter to inform everyone down at CREEM that not all Georgia people are narrow minded Marshall Tucker, Wet Willie freaks. (A bad example of this is the letter sent in by Mike Hyland, of Macon Ga. in the Dec. issue. Darling would I love to rain rhinestones on your head or better still send a lurex top by mail, maybe that would give you a real good convulsion.) Anyway some of us Georgians do indulge in the most outrageous of the rock bands today: Iggy and the Stooges, David Bowie, the New York Dolls, maybe even a little Lou Reed. Some of us also dress in six-inch platforms, rhinestones, and sequined satin. As for the rest of usthey all carry on in denim, suede, an occasional cowboy hat. (Oh honey, don’t get me wrong, I’m very open minded.) I’m really very sick of playing down on the farm and getting raised eyebrows. My bleached out hair and fishnet stocking are so misunderstood. For those of you who’ve been to Ga. and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about or for those of you who live here and don’t know either, it is only because you haven’t been to the right places or really don’t know where the right places are.

Andie Bolt (Silver Filth)

Atlanta, Ga.'f.

P.S. G Lover Boy, how much is a plane ticket to (1) New York City? (2) Hollywood?

VIALS FOR THE VILE

Your mag is really.terrific. My only complaint lies with the letters printed in the mail dept.

In Feb. 1074, there was a letter printed by “M,” a washed-but L.A. groupie, who obviously can’t make the scene anymore. We know she was jealous of Sable, “the undisputed Queen of the Strip” as they say, and the vicedike grip Sable got on Heavy Metal Thunder as soon as the Dolls stepped off the plane. She was probably jealous of Sean Cassidy, even! But I can certainly understand her anger at having to pay the phenomenally large sum of $4.50 when she coulda used it to buy a few more viles of. R GLITTER to paste on her jaded cheeks. Too bad. Oh yeah: They’re not fust The Dolls.., theyYe the NEW YORK DOLLS and don’t you ever forget it!!!

Lydia Laske

Editor of SLADE PARADER

New York City (where else?)

DAVID FROHANSEN

Oh no!! Today I awoke and recalled my nocturnal flights of fancy: the New York Dolls appeared on Soul Train! With jutting speech and lots of fist waving Don Cornelius introduced them saying they were to do a “tune entitled ‘Per-son-AL-it-y CRI-sis.’ ’’ And the Soul Train gang welcomed them warmly with their applause.

I guess this dream tops the one I had a while ago — that their second album was in the shape of a heart, even the disc inside. How do they do it?!

Pamela Eagan

Babylon, N.Y.

(With mirrors. - Ed.) -y

THINK NOTHING OF IT

Thanks a "lot, CREEM. Due to the recent photos and -articles on Martin Mull, we now have a whole wall covered with your fold out of “Marty.” My-brother is in love with him, after falling for David Bowie, Marc Bolan, etc. YUCH!!!

Sick, Crazed, and totally tir-ed of this shit, Nashville, Tennessee"

SHOVE YES IN THE GUTTER

Yes is another sucked band. Rick Wakeman is a cock who thinks he’s Keith Emerson. He can play, but he.ain’t no Emerson. Alan White is a nothing. He can’t play-drums worth shit. He sounds like a baby and a rattle. Steve Howe just completely sucks. He plays guitar like a "KINDGERGARDENER and looks like he’s dead. Chris Squire jumps up and down like the great PETER TOWNSHEND. He can’t play well, face it! Jon Anderson thinks he isan opera singer. Who do these guys think they’re fooling with this religious organ crap with Andy Williams vocals. They are horse shit. Fragile and Close tp the Edge are pure trash. This Space Rock has got to go. Do a favor, shoot Yes down in Cold Blood.

Bruce Haynes

Brian Martin

Bloomfield Hills, Michigan

P.S. The b(ew York Dells forever! We also like Iggy and the Stooges, and The Ever Wonderful, One and Only Who!!!

DOES TODD RUNDGREN HAVE BUCK TEETH?

You’ll probably think this is a stypid question (mainly because it is) but I’ll ask anyway. /

Does Glen Buxton wear contacts? ^

Asker of Perverted Questions, /

Monroeville, Pa,

(Congratulations on the first Alice Cooper letter in a year that didn’t mention Donny Osmond once. Glen wears Trojans. — Ed.) ' ■

, DEAD BABY SCREAMS We’d all like the old Coop back.

Sincerely,

Alice’s Exorcist Athens, Pa.

(Forget it; the chickens have come home to roost. - Ed.)