DUST MY PUMICE

DUST MY PUMICE

by R. Meltzer

Your Birthday This Month

Competition, distraction are par for the course. Allow for travel delays, gaps in the cooperation you’d normally expect. Adjustment to newly discovered realities becomes the motif for your daily living. Accepting people as they are brings you a greater satisfaction.

ARIES (March 21 — April 19) — Think reorganization, begin with what you control. Chances are you’ve got more than enough to do and on top of that your hemorrhoids are gonna bother you REAL BAD this month so plan way ahead in the buying of necessary hem cream (Anusol is recommended over old standby Preparation H).

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) -Someone’s gonna come up to you and say “Hot tot tot tot tot.” The encoun'tef will be pleasant so waste no time. Find or give a party in celebration. Serve beef jerky but-no soda pop. Only straight rye in paper cups that you find in the garbage can at the water cooler. Go find some now!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - Make the most of wrong number calls. If you call em wrong tell em to shove it, brother (sister), for the explicit reason that they are a goddam ethnic minority of whatever sort they seem to be (e.g. kike, chocolate baby, turkish, dago, homo, scrotum etc.). If they call you wrong and ask for so-and-so tell em so-and-so is in the w.c. committing an auto-erotic act. Likely it will be the person’s relative or loved one and it will discredit them forever. Much fun will be had and it’s in the stars for YOU to have it at the expense of dips & 'dum-dums by birth to suffer (goody).

CANCER (June 21 — July 22) — The planet Uranus moves into the sign of Cancer, ushering in three years of heightened fertility. You are more prone to either knocking up a broad or getting impregnated yourself if a femme is what you are. Abortion is strongly advised and should you wait too long for a uterus scraping INFANTICIDE is firmly suggested. Starve the hideous little bastard for a week, infant food costs an arm & a leg anyway and it’ll really take the breath out of the diapered little brat (autopsies never turn up nothin). World’s too crowded to begin with, ain’t it?

LEO (July 23 — Aug. 22) — This is “Leave Your Glasses On At Night Month” for Leos only. Keep your specs on 24 hrs. so you can see where it’s at no matter what the hour. If your peeper power’s less than 20-20 that’s no reason to be blind as a bat to what’s happenin when the cockroaches wake you up in the early A.M. If you wanna swat em you better be visually equipped so as to avoid serious injury to your person. Your physipal health will not be top drawer this month so such injury could easily lead to heinous disgusting gangrene (even smells bad to others in the room). See a doctor.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This sign is obscure and unknown. It oughta GO HOME.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Have a relationship. With a person. Relationships are good so have one. Taureans are usually good lookin so get yourself one to share your waterbed with you for a couple months. Try to find one before the 16th. If you are a married Libra infidelity is not advised until the 25th. SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - It’s a great time for Scorpios to be alive so let’s see some of that much-vaunted Scorpio action in the form of some purposive activity. Take out a student loan &nd earn that degree that’s somehow always eluded you. Show the boss you deserve a promotion with superior office b.s. Purchase that new cravat or brassiere you’ve been eyeballing all these weeks. Perfect your dance technique at the local ballroom. Demonstrate your concern for gutter pollution by participating in a “clean our streets” campaign. Etc. (Your Scorpio imagination will help you find a project if anything will).

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) -The sign of Jaan Uhelski. Sorry about that but it means you’re in bad company so you oughta go out and kill the old doxy right now (such as: stabbing in the belly, arson in her Michigan apt. across the hall from her mommy & daddy who is a Grosse Pointe judge in real life, many punches in the ribs by a whole gang of thugs, her neck on the RR tracks, poison her vejtables, suffocation by lotsa human bowels on her face as she sleeps & dreams sweet dreams of glitter, poke her in the ear real deep with an x-tra long soda straw, etc.). CREEM should withhold her paycheck this month whatever its sign or it will fold.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) -That invitation to fish should be acted upon. Any trout’ll bite if you got good bait but tain’t so for tuna. Same for mackerel (hard to ketch). But consult a tide table and a prize-winning tarpon may be yours (the prize is more than is now in your savings account!). Who could axe for anything more?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) -Clouds in your urine means you will die. Good BYE.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) - Nobody likes you. You look like a gug. Your personality’s a bubble of broth. High time you GOT A TAN. Go to a brown beach and fry (where it’s warm). Next: improve your posture. Then: accept the character-building challenge of Sufism and reconcile differences among friends.