After seeing a woman on the street who bore an extremely strong resemblance to Xavier Cugat�s wife Charo and was tottering in the very same six inch white Goody Two Shoes that I paid the outrageous sum of forty-two dollars for, I think I might have to seriously rethink shoes. What happened in terms of my feet was that about two years ago I discovered I could be miraculously elevated a half foot off the ground with the aid of grotesquely divine platform shoes and it changed my life. For one who was always considered �petite� (a really dreadful word if you are) it was a perhaps superficial, yet nonetheless pleasurable feeling of power to tower over normal sized human beings. It also brought a great deal of pain into my life.

Those who know about such things say that people born under the sign of Cancer are prone to accidents, falling, stumbling and injuring themselves, and they will get no argument from me. Never the most graceful of women, it became more and more difficult to walk down the street with ease in my new and fancy footwear. I have real nightmare stories about careening down full flights of stairs, falling off curbs, having to be assisted in and out of buildings. I had briefly considered buying a walking stick to facilitate movement until Bianca Jagger went and made those unfashionable. Rock Encyclopedia author Lillian Roxon, after seriously infecting her knee as a result of a fall when she was wearing backless cork clogs, warned me never to mention my shoe collection to her again.

If Noddy Holder can stand the pain...

By now some of you are probably thinking that I must have been exceptionally vain and foolish to continue clomping about in such anti-life, decadent apparel, and all I can say is of course; I wholeheartedly agree that vanity was the motivation. But as all of you who have worn such shoes know, they can be fun and they are gorgeous. I liked the way they made my legs look, the way they went with outrageous clothes — to say nothing of my extra height — and if what is being sold all around the country in show boutiques (as well as what is being copied in the lower priced chain shoestores) is any indication, many others felt the same way.

Such shoe delights included the red four inch platforms adorned with silver stars from London�s Chelsea Cobbler, Pelican Footwear�s grotesque six inch gold metallic sequinned and black satin shoes, see-through plastic pumps topped by pink pompoms from Capezio, heels carved with bananas or palm tree scenes, Goody Two Shoes mauve suede boots trimmed with red satin, and of course Terry de Havilland�s imported colorful lizard boots and shoes from England which probably started it all in the first place.

It was the perfect combination of the British male popstar fashion of the late 1960�s — early 1970�s when men Came Out, and the movies of the 1940�s where the women reigned supreme as models of glamour. These shoes became the rage because they wtere glamorous, they were new, and initially they were hard to get. So what if they cost a fortune or you couldn�t walk properly in them? It was all part of a style. And of course as the demand increased, so did the supply. Helped along by the Star magazine look (that trashy, glossy nowdefunct publication that was fun while it lasted), girls all over the country are in silver five inch platforms and green ankle strap fuck-me shoes. (When asked about her influence on such shoes, Joan Crawford replied at her Town Hall Evening recently, �Well — they�ve held me up all these years, haven�t they?�)

Men were no different. As early as four years ago the likes of John Mendelsohn were raving about the pleasures of strutting around on four inch high Mr. Freedom platform boots. When I went to Atlanta to see Alice Cooper perform this spring, Roger Flash and Dave Carter of a group called ZOOOM presented Alice with the most extravagantly disgusting pair of boots ever worn by man or woman; thigh high leopard skin fake fur six inch platforms which he donned immediately and didn�t remove for the remainder of his tour. Roger Flash himself was wearing silver lame knee length six inch boots, (this from the former drummer of the Vagrants!) and Dave�s were black leather emblazoned with red, yellow and green stars and stripes. In L.A. last month Noddy Holder walked around the dressing room at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium in his red and yellow platform shoes as photographer Sam Emerson was close behind, taking pix in his red and yellow platform shoes... Photog Leee Black Childers has some old platform boots that he changes by~ spraying them different colors according to his moods. And of course Bowie�s vinyl laceup boots and Roxy Music�s combined colorful footgear are by now legendary.

As in any other fashion field, such shoes have been immediately copied for much less. So now you can be uncomfortable for about a third of the price it used to cost. Bakers, Miles and even the National Shoe chains are selling four and five inch platform shoes with ankle straps in a variety of summer colors. Their fall lines promise much in the way of darker suedes and boots to lift you off the ground as well. What might be better about the cheaper ones — in addition to the price — is that the platformed sole on the front part of the shoe is about three inches thick, and as the heel is four or five inches, they balance each other. (Of course you have to be careful about the cheaper ones because they sometimes aren�t made as well and therefore are more dangerous. Test the heels carefully in the store; if they feel wobbly, don�t buy them. No sense in starting out on the... errr... wrong foot...) Some of the higher, priced shoes, such as the gorgeous ones sold at Henri Bendel�s in New York, have a much thinner platform and the highest imaginable heel so that you�re constantly walking bending forward at a most peculiar angle. Not comfortable, and not safe. I have a pair of perhaps the most beautiful shoes that could have walked out of any art deco thirties film; black satin straps on a mirrored platform and heel. If you happen to be lying on the floor you can see your face in my heels and they�re divine beyond belief, but after an hour I have to be taken home because they�re so painful. Pain killers, needless to say, don�t help — they�d just speed up stumbling.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 79.

"I discovered I could be miraculously elevated a half foot off the ground and it changed my life"

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 50.

So what can one do about shoes? Obviously you can be sensible and wear flat sandals all the time, or modified clogs, or espadrilles. Men can give up clutzing around in imitation Noddy Holder or David Bowie boots and stick to cowboy boots or sneakers. Maybe the comfy little ballet slippers Mick Jagger wore at the L.A. Nicaragua benefit concert will inspire a new craze. But then — you�ll be giving up that thrill of being just a bit taller and no one will scream over your shoes. You�ll forgo knowing that you�ve turned yourself out in shoes that express something that is a new, different and amusing part of your personality, and isn�t that what �Fashion� is all about anyway? The choice is yours to make.

As for myself, they�re too expensive to toss out just yet, so I think I�ll keep my platforms. I still love them really, and despite the fact that this year�s crop of clunky shoes are even more grotesque cliches than last year�s, I may even buy some more...

The story goes that Michael Sklar (of Warhol�s Trash and L�Amour) bought 250,000 buttons from the 1940�s to give as a gag gift to friends Dianne and Pinky (who design great clothes for Flo Toronto). They didn�t think it was funny, so Michael was stuck with the buttons. He formed �Childstar� and has since been designing some of the most fabulous earrings, bracelets and necklaces around. In addition to being one of the most ingenius re-cycling projects going, �Childstar� has become a highly successful business and has filled a need for those of us who love jewelry, can�t afford turquoise, and are tired of rings on every finger. He�s also designing those snazzy orchid plastic pins you may have seen in your local boutiques, as well as bracelets made out of old prom and fraternity keys and plastic puzzles. More on �Childstar� later... Let Your Hat Be Your Umbrella Dept.: A man in Bloomingdales recently turned heads on a Saturday (and that�s hard) wearing a blue fishnet t-shirt, blue cutoff denim shorts, a backpack, yellow ski goggles, and a hat that was a red, orange and green striped umbrella. Those fabulous Hot Socks people who brought you glitter sox and colorfully striped kneesox this year will be making gloves. Hopefully, they�ll look like the sox; wouldn�t it be great to have matching sox and gloves?... The National Boutique Show at the Hotel McAlpin was, this year, totally predictable. A large assortment of imported Indian caftans and dresses, mirrored halter tops, hash pipes, cartoon t-shirts; embossed leather pocketbooks, and Male Jeans. Boutiques are such big business now... Malcolm McDowell, seen at the Warner Brothers party following the Screening of oh Lucky Man, wore a white jacket, blue and white polka dot shirt, and a red and blue tie that came to only the middle of his chest. Could this be a new style in England?... Johnny Winter, the members of his band, and his girlfriend Susie who now �dahces� onstage with them, were all wearing marvelously tacky Las Vegas style jumpsuits studded with rhinestones and silver at their Madison Square Garden concert. Manager Steve Paul said they were designed by David Guthrie who does similar chores for none other than Elvis Presley and Mick Jagger... Do you think that soon people will be watching TV�s �Let�s Make A Deal� to get inspiration for new and further out fashion? My favorite is still the very nice young man who came on the show dressed as a carrot.