MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept. CREEM Magazine P.O. Box 202, Walled Lake, MI, 48088.

DEAR CREEM

Hey! Why did Brian Jones want to punch out Rodney Bingenheimer?

Kathleen Dunkle

Pasadena, CA.

(Recently? - Ed.)

Yesterday, I turned thirty and, in a letter to a friend this morning, I misspelled Elvis Presley’s name for the first time.

Why Me

Waterbury, Ct.

(That’s the price you gotta pay. — Ed.)

ERECTED

Alice Cooper really turns me on. I mean, he really, really gets me hot and stiff. I’m constantly jacking off to his voice on all his albums.

By the way, how long is the erection on the guy on the back cover of Lou Reed’s album?

A Homy Pervert

Royal Oak, MI.

Here I sit, a virgin in love with Alice Cooper. Do I have a chance? Well - he haunts my dreams. I think he’s beautiful. A very sweet, but misguided friend of mine thinks, “He’s a very sick young guy. Anyone in their right mind who would take a doll - the symbol of a child - and destroy it by ripping it to shreds likje he’s been known to do ...” That’s my friend, but I. disagree.

I’d still lbve to kiss all over his body. What I want to know is: would Alice give me a chance? Even if he tied me down and raped my virgin body* I’d still love-him-to-death. All of us ain’t groupies you know.

Jeanie

Nashville, Tenn.

(Thank god. More groupies we don’t need. -Ed.)

BUG IT TO DEATH

I have absolutely got to know something. It’s been bugging me to death.

I just saw Diary of A Mad Housewife on, TV and I could swear that the band playing at the party in the scene where she first meets her lover is Alice Cooper. It seems about as likely as Mick Jagger guest starring on Family Affair. And yet... So what is it, yes or no?

Another nut ¶

Dobbs Ferry, NY

(You’re right, but about two years late. Who else could it be, Bing Crosby and Bob Hope? -Ed.)]

THIS LETTER IS NOT FROM ALICE COOPER

The rumors are true! I really was -one of the characters in “Leave It to Beaver.”

Alice Cooper

Greenwich; Conn.

(We know this letter is going to cause nothing but problems but who could resist? — Ed.) ;

ROCK AIN'T DEAD YET (BUT IT COULD BE ARRANGED)

I’m thinking about writing a book for Rock Critics, listing ways to kill Super-stars and get them out'of your collective hairs, or at least give you some good whack fantasies.

Here are a few samples:

1. James Taylor - Give him an electric shock in the whang every time he tries to mount Carly.

2. Carly Simon - Easy! Gang bang her to death. (Dave first, then Lester, etc.)

3. Grateful Dead - Just line ’em up and shoot ’em. Quick! Before they make another album!

4. Cat Stevens - Make him listen to his own albums non-stop until he goes mad and then give him a gun and say “Do the world a favor!!!”

5.John Lennon - Shoot Yoko, and I’m sure John will tag along.

Like the idea? If you do, I’ll kill five more next month.

God Save the One Shot Artist,

Dan Clifford Midland, MI.

(Oh sure — if we’re not all arrested by next month. — Ed.)

EVEN MORE GARBAGE I’d like to start off with peace to Laura Hoster (Feb.) and to Graham Carlton (Dec.) too. I’ve got better credentials than either of you: Bernie Taupin’s tambourine, Neal Smith’s red blazer, and Carl Palmer’s bath towel!

Robert Matheu Rockin’ Whorizon Detroit, Michigan

(Looks like we’ve started something... Ed.)

SHERNOFF VS. GLEASON?

This is not going to be a critical analysis of Andy Shernoffs review of Richard Meltzer’s book. I am writing to you concerning your “put down” of Ralph J. Gleason .in your review. You wrote that “rock music is dying because Ralph Gleason (among others) inflicts his 40-year old consciousness on the music of 16 yr. olds” ech.

That was a totally foolish and insipid statement. Ralph Gleason is a brilliant journalist and his writings are of the highest calibre. He probably knows more than the rest of you put together. Whether he’s 40 or not (he’s 55) makps absolutely no difference. He’s been around all phases of rock (among other fields of music) and is very talented.

And what makes you think rock music belongs to 16 yr. olds? I am 26 and it’s my music — though I’m beyond being sucked in by such scum-of-the-earth freaks as Alice Cooper. It’s too bad rock music has fallen to that.

BARNEY & MIKE

Ralph Gleason happens to know music and his .taste and knowledge is well-rounded. I think it was very unfair to say what you did. Those 16 year olds who dig Alice' Cooper and Grand Funk Railroad obviously need guidance and from someone who has taste and intelligence (Despite His Age) - someone like Ralph J.

You oyght to apologize.

Billie Marie Gross

Binghamton, N.Y.

(I’ll apologize when Ralph Gleason takes 5-1 /2 sopors and vomits all over himself. — Shernoff)

LESLIE WEST:

A SWEET TALKIN' GUY

I really liked reading your article in the February issue about Leslie West. It made him sound like a really interesting guy. (Really, even if I don’t particularly care for whoever one of your articles is about, the style they’re written in is always interesting enough to keep me reading.) Also, the review of Mott the Hoople’s All the Young Dudes brought up something I’ve been waiting to hear for ages! David Bowie screws up! Yes, he should have left Mott the Hoople alone, but to me, they’re still about the greatest band around, and they do not deserve the putdown Brian “Hotpants” Cullman gave them.

Susan Smith

Sterling Heights, Mich.

Who the fuck do you think you are? I never read such a load of shit in my life. First of all, I never said any of these things. I think we shall sue the shit out of you for defamation of character. It is not fair that your magazine should be allowed to be printed and sold on the streets of this great nation. My first reaction was to have my secretary cancel my' subscription to your magazine but she then informed me that I didn’t have one. Well, please accept this letter as a plea for a subscription so that I may cancel it at a later date. If this matter is not looked at with immediate attention, I will have to turn it over to -my managers and lawyers, Goniff, Swindle and Finagle, for consultation and litigation.

Again, thanks for the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It is not too many magazines that would bother to print the truth. The two fellas are probably the best interviewers I have ever met, because they didn’t take anything personally and took everything in jest like it was meant to be.

Please tell them thank you for helping me get my point across to the ‘kids of this country

Leslie West

New York, New York ^

(Leslie also enclosed a shitload of McDonald’s gift certificates, which have caused one of the most sordid outbreaks of acne in CREEM history. Thank you, pal. - Ed.)

All those Ten Worst Restaurants in America (Feb.) are really located in this very town: Providence, R.I. Robot and his accomplice went. all over the city and filmed their misfortunes (one place is even used twice). A cheap trick, but you know something? Just as Providence is supposed to have the best Italian food, it just may have the worst eating places on (or off) the map. Study those pictures carefully and if you’re ever in this area you’ll be glad you were warned before hand. (Gopd places: Art’s Pizza and JOE’s in South County.) I’m still amazed that these two guys had the guts to actually eat at these places. As far as myself, I was thrown out of the Ever Ready Diner a few years back (with a friend) for questioning the change we got. And even though I could talk about the Red Sox just as well as the next patron, the cook without the arm had something against long hair. So with the first excuse he threw us out. The food sucked anyway.

Caught in the Ways of Providence,

Andrew Fanov Spector Providence, R.I.

P.S. Robbie Cruger and Dave Marsh should know they’re Jordanaires from their. Imperials (and especially J.D. Sumner and the Stamps) if they’re watching an Elvis movie.

(You mean those weren’t really the Ten Worst Restaurants in America! Get me Hull and Cullman on the phone (sputter sputter) — Robot, Brian, you ’re HIRED! - Ed.) 1

ROBOT A. HULL Record Reviews

(Creem Magazine)

It’s not often that a reviewer tells it like it really i£ Your review of Europe ’73 by the Grateful Dead was really true. Not many would speak out against the Dead even if an album of theirs/was below par.

The Dead reached their peak from 19671970. During that time the band had Tom Constantin on keyboards and an additional drummer in Mickey Hart. When those seven men got it on, there was no topping them.

The change of personnel and the ravages of time have left us with a different, more mellow band. Once again, thanks for an honest, vigorous estimation of the Dead’s latest effort.

Yours truly,

Sally Brown Spring Valley, N.Y,

Robot A Hull knows whereof he speaks. The Dead are pacifying, but that is the Dead, the “eye of the storm” the Fugs proclaimed. The Dead is an oasis to get the sweat back inside your skin and the brains back inside your head. Of course, if Hull doesn’t need a glass of water now and then, that’s all right too. But cheeses, he’s funny.

R. Smith Riverside, Ca.

(Like a lot of us, Robot prefers his brains, and his sweat, where they belong. — Ed.)

FITTING PUNISHMENT Until he sees the light about the Dead, may Robot A. Hull spend the rest of his life strapped to Jerry Garcia’s amps with his head up the ass of one of the frequent customers of the Ever Ready Diner in Memphis.

Bob Jacob 1 Chicago, Ill.

CUTTING BANGS DOWN TO SIZE

. When I visited your offices last September, I was much dismayed to find all the staff crawling over the floor looking for some beads which Lester Bangs reportedly had lost in a brief scuffle with Gary Kenton. I was not so much horrified by the fact that Bangs was wearing beads (I always felt at heart he was hip when he shot at me over the phone one night that he couldn’i speak with me just then ’cause his'shag was drying) but that there was a disagreement among the staff members. And furthermore, I was shocked that no one even thought to give Bangs a knife during the whole battle.

Hell, you Detroit snobs know better than that. If you’re gonna kill, well, let’s get with it, and first to move on Bangs wins a busted noggin.

Robot A. Hull Providence, R.I.

(Smartass. - Ed.)

Brian Cullman should add another caption to his Harry Chapin cartoon strip: draw Cullman bending over, shoving that shitty review up his ass.

M. Troiano Canfield, Ohio

WEDDING PRESENT I like boobs a lot, but my wife doesn’t have any. Can you help me?

Robot A. Hull Providence, R:I.

(Robot’s wedding present from the CREEM staff was a pair of gold lame hot water bottles, stuffed with Presto-whip. - Ed.)

THIS MONTH TOP TEN(S) ...

Me, too:

1. Savoy Brown are the best group in the world.

2. BOC are. even better, with one viscious futhumucka guitarist.

3. Lez Zepplin bite my peter.

4. Carlos Santana has fleas.

5. Deep Purple slay Slade.

6. David Bowie sux Midas mufflers.

7. Earl Sheib is the hardest workin’ man in show business.

“Who the hell are you calling ‘PUNK’?*’

8. The Rolling Stones are mean motorscooters.

9. Arthur Lee is from Tibet.

10. Alice Cooper is really Manners the Butler.

Jay McShann

Kansas City, Mo.

TOO MANY

Here is The Point’s Top Twelve:

1. Humble Pie may eat and smell but they sound good.

2. CREEM isn’t bad but it ain’t that hot.

3. David Bowie is as queer as a three dollar bill.

4. The Jumpin’ Cowboy should try jumpiq’(out of a747 and beating off. .

5. Mick J agger has a head like my ass.

6.. R.I.P. Berry Oakley arid Duane Allman.

7. The Stones .should be exiled on Main Street.

8. Ten Years After are ten years ahead/

9. Iggy Popp is a crazy fucker (but pretty good), gj

10. Elton John sings like a crocodile.

11. For those of you who cannot think/ Grand Funk Railroad suck and stink.

12. Circus is better than CREEM'

The Point Boys

Fair Lawn, N,J.

Please note:

1) They spelled your name wrong in Roling Ston (the article about the national press coverage of McGovern)

2)The first nude radio interview was not conducted by Wolfman Jack, but by the hard-working staff of WBAI in New York in 1968. The nudie who was interviewed was named Mari Whitehead. .

3)Greg Shaw: If I’m not mistaken, “Blues Theme” by the Arrows was a hit in the summer of ’67, riot ’65.,(The Editor knows it was 1966, because he was 16 then [appropriately] and besides, he looked it up.)

4)Last night I saw Melanie in her underpants.

Jeff Cohen

Hillside, N J. , Boston, Brookline, Ipswich and now the world.

(Melanie’s performance was a promotional stunt for her new single “Solid Gold Chastity Belt, ” the follow-up to “Brand New Key. ’’ -Ed.)

Next time you get mad at someone, flash your index firiger and say, “You don’t deserve the best.”

Graham Carlton

Chicago, 11.

(How ’bout a thumb? - Ed.)

Before David Bowie came along and helped Mott, the Hoople out, no one had ever heard of them! I have always been an avid fan of the Hoople but until now they haven’t been getting enough airplay or money so they were gonna break up until Mr. Bowie catne along! Within three hours after they called to tell him they had split up, he had written them a song they could record that would put them on top again, which it did! Bowie has not taken over their min^s or their music but he has helped them a lot so you should be less critical about one who has done so much!

Very sincerely,

Bill Rhodes

P.S. Please tell Robot A. Hull to get fucked!

Also tell him .if he hates Lou Reed so much, he should leave his albums alone. “Goodnight Ladies.”

Oh really now, a pan for All the Young Dudes and a rave for Transformer? You guys are working so hard at being iconoclasts that you may just kvetch yourselves out of business.

And by the way, what’s this jabber about there being a version of “Johnny B. Goode” on the German Around and Around (in the Stones’ discography)? My copy just has “Bye Bye Johnny.” Get yer shit together.

Steve Simels

Teaneck, N.J.

(Our shit’s so together, we know all Chuck Berry songs sound the same. — Ed.)

JUST ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY

Lester, Baby:

Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t able to meet Jagger during the tour, or even attend one of the Stones’ concerts? Why hell, I travelled with them on their whole tour and would have been happy to invite you to partake in a snowball with the troupe and believe me, the show was abundant.

On the whole, I’d Say that the tour was invigorating, if a little tiresome during the southern stretchy run. Mick (Mickey to those who know him) was indeed a gentleman, when you take into consideration all the assholes on the business treadrnill that he had to deal with. Why, I remember at orie point, on the plane between Flagstaff and Albuquerque, Keith put his arm around my shoulder arid said, in that confidential manner of his, “You know, Rob, it’s a good thing that you and Chip are along on this trip. Otherwise, I’d be so bummed out, I might even be tempted to forego sobriety and get high just to put up with the grind.”

I don’t really know what the mystique is about touring with the Stones. Even {his last tour settled down into a frenetic sort of routine after the first week. Of course, Bianca did provide her own charm and frivolity, which offset the sterile atmosphere of the Sports Arenas, and, by and large, the hospitality was good. Yes, on the whole, I’d say that it was a good way to spend the summer.

See you in Marrakesh, Sweety!(

Rob Houghton

El Cajon, Ca.

RAZZ-BERRIES

Mike Saunders opines that the Raspberries’ Fresh (Feb.) is the best album he’s heard in a long time.

Give me a break.

These Anglophilic fucksticks have, been playing Italian bake sales in Clevelandfor the last eight years. They’ve tried everything from wearing matching H.I.S. Union Jack shirts to jacking off into Frozen Wonder Break English Muffins. And pick up on those 1966 Roger Daltrey Marcelle conks. Bloody young, but just backdated, wot?

The only way to enjoy this trash is to mix five parts Arthur Treacher’s Malt Dressing for Fish arid Chips to one part Cuyahoga River water and part industrial strength cleaner (Janitor in a. Drum is very hip) and drink it while perusing bootleg spread shots'of Cilia Black and Millie Small.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 82.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10.

These clowns are about as important as circumcising tropical fish.

Paul Hallaman

Cleveland Hts., Ohio

LESTER BANGED

A punk is someone who continues to live with his parents inside his head even after he leaves home for the last time.

Lester Bangs’ childhood gets hipper everytime he tells it! Shit. When I was six my mom started taking me to the record store with her. She was 22. Some of our early favorites were “Woo Hoo” by the Rock-a-teens, “Beatnik Fly” by Johnny and the Hurricanes and my fave, “Dig” by the Viscodnts. The last one was the flip of “Harlem Nocturne.” I also used to pretend I owned Original Records and that Preston Epps was my best friend.

Mr. Hiney Balls,

Tucson, Ariz.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY??

Dear Popular Hot Rodding:

I think you guys put out a great mag, and I really enjoy picking Up on all the latest from the Motor City, but lately I’ve started to get worried. I’ve always loved the big Detroit iron and I knew all this over-emphasis on the drag-strip scene would turn out bad and now, just as I feared, the foreign jobs are starting to take over. Personally, I think it’s the controlled emissions that are hurting performance the most.

A devoted hot-rodder,

Rick O’Brien

St. Ann’s, Ontario, Canada

ERRATUM

Photo credits were inadvertantly left off two photos accompanying the Rolling Stones Competition Results last issue. The group photo bottom center of pages 24 & 25 was taken by Robert Failla, ana the photo of Mick J agger on page 25 was by Jeffrey Mayer.