Sex Lives of the Rolling Stones: Competition Results

But what a competition! When we started planning this contest, we tried to offer some questions that would be commensurate with the sheer outrageousness of the Stones themselves. Some of the questions dealt with the cold “facts” of the Stones’ “history,” and some left room for speculation or opinion.

We really weren’t prepared though, for the kind of response we got. Stones fans are legion, as the seven shopping bags full of entries sitting here will attest, but the incredible experience of reading all these things proved two things to us:

1. The Rolling Stones have corrupted a whole generation of eager young minds. All those right-wingers were right, and if the governments of the Western world had been smart they would have snuffed the Stones in the beginning. But it’s tdo late now. Heh, heh, heh.

2. Even more than that, this contest proved once and for all that this magazine has THE MOST DEMENTED READERS IN THE WORLD. For your unstinting devotion to the furtherance of sheer sleaze fantasy, as well as for knowing more about the Stones than the Stones probably do themselves, we hereby dub everyone who entered the competition an Honorary Rolling Stone For A Decade, with full rights and privileges.

What follows is a run down of each of the questions in the contest, with some of the best answers culled from the many entries. The first answer listed is sometimes the one closest to what is generally regarded as the facts, although in some cases the speculations and innuendoes which follow may be closer to the truth.

Not all the answers printed are from winning entries, but they are truly ingenious. Following them is the rundown on the winners, along with as many Honorable Mentions as possible from the giant bag of potential winners sitting in front of us. To them, and to all the other entrants, even the wiseacre from La Jolla, Calif, who sent in a ballot numbered one through 25 with only question 21 answered - thank you. We love you, you little monsters. Of course we do.

1. There was a line in “Satisfaction” that everybody thought was dirty. What wasJt? What did everybody think it was about? Was it?

A. “And I’m trying to make some girl, tell me ‘Baby better come back, maybe next week, ’cause you see I’m on a losing streak ...’ ” Way back in 1965, there was plenty of talk about whether this line meant that the girl was “on the rag” (menstruating). It probably did.

B. “How white my shirts can be.” They were dirty, so was the line.

C. “When I’m drivin’ in my car/ And a man comes on the radio” — a reference to auto eroticism (ouch!).

D. I’m just a 13 year old kid, how would I know?

2. What part of Mick’s anatomy was severed in an accident when he was very young, crucially influencing his future decision to become a Rolling Stone?

A. According to Pete Goodman’s book Our Own Story by the Rolling Stones, Mick bit off the tip of his tongue in a PE class when he was in grade school, and it changed his voice and phrasing.

B. His antler.

C. His rectum, which accounts for all his jumping around on stage. How would you act if your asshole was cut off?

3. What does Dean Martin have to do with the Rolling Stones (cf. Another Side of Bob Dylan liner notes)?

A. The Stones appeared on the Hollywood Palace TV show in 1964. Dean Martin was the host and made a series of what Dave Hassinger in the Aftermath liner notes referred to as the “jibes of mediocre comedians,” to wit: “Their hair isn’t that long, it’s just smaller foreheads and higher eyebrows. Now don’t go away, anybody, you wouldn’t leave me with these Rolling Stones would you? Actually the boys are soon back to England to have a hair pulling contest with the Beatles.” Of a trampolinist on the same show, he said: “That’s the father of the Rolling Stones. He’s been trying to kill himself ever since.” (See Goodman’s book.) Dylan later mentioned this in tfce Another Side liner notes: “and dean martin should apologize t the rolling stones.”

B. Upon losing the flip of a coin with Frank Sinatra, he had to perform analingus on the entire band.

C. His son was influenced by them to form his own group, Dino, Desi and Billy.

4. What is Keith’s last name?

A. Originally Keith Richards, he changed it without explanation midway in their career to Richard, although it is still listed as Richards often enough to confuse everyone (cf. the Exile on Main Street sleeve).

B. Partridge.

C. Pallenberg.

D. Moon.

WINNERS

1. The following first prize winners will each receive a brand spanking new copy of every American Stones LP:

Sastrea Xrajael Yemanja (that's how she spelled it) Peoria, Ill.

M. Bridgewater, Waco, Texas

2. The following 2nd Prize winners will each receive a brand new Exile on Main Street to replace the one they’ve worn out by now:

Mark S. Theodoropolous, Poughkeepsie, N.Y. '

Kerry Maul, Sterling Heights, MI.

Peter Potter (these names belong to real people, we swear!) E. Aurora,-N.Y.

Jerome Murphy, Saint John West, Canada

PFC Craig W. Bell 2844815, Fort Monmouth, N.J.

3. All the Third Prize Winners (i.e., everyone else) got Dream Dates with Mick Jagger.

4. The following Fourth Prize Winners will each receive a copy of David Dalton’s Rolling Stones: An Unauthorized Biography.

Robert Markle, West Haven, Conn.

Jim McElwee, Glendora, Calif.

Eddie Flowers, Jackson, Ala.

Elizabeth Gavaris, N.Y., N.Y.

Dan Charny, Pittsburgh, Pa.

5. The following Fifth Prize winners will each receive a copy of the rare German LP Around and Around and an autographed 8 x 10 glossy of the Devil:

Debbie Brown, Dayton, Ohio

Arthur Rich, Mattapap, Mass.

Jodi Boses, New Paltz, N.Y.

Coring Wirbel, Grand Ledge, Mi.

Scott Wright, Eagle Point, Ore.

6. Finally, thanks again to all the great runnersup hereby Honorably Mentioned and crowned with the Sceptre: Keith Gordon, Steve Furman, Michele Isolow, Lou Papineau, Gary Laduca, Egon Braukis, Karen Dahlstrom, Richard Fraley, Paula Sharp, Joe. Conti, Ed Misenti, Louisa Westerlund, Dick Johnson, Marie Chaky, C. Townsend, Mark Huebner, Mike Faber, Bob Foley, Lucifer Turner, Richard Stoiff, Anne Harrison and Ori Scharf the Pickle, Ph. D.

5. What was unique about the picture of the Stones on the inside of the Thru the Past Darkly album (this is 1969, remember)?

A. Brian had just died, there was a eulogy for him next to the picture, and strangely enough in the picture itself all of the Stones had their eyes closed except Brian, who was staring straight at the camera.

B. Bulges are discernible in only two of the Stones’ trousers.

C. Their zippers are down, symbolizing the open spirit and exposed raw nerve endings of the aging rock musician in today’s revolution.

D. Paul is wearing a black flower.

E. It was taken of them under a specimen slide.

6. What was the name of the movie that the Stones were supposed to be making in 1966, which never materialized?

A. Only Lovers Left Alive,, based on a novel by Dave Wallis about teenage gangs taking over Britain. Bantam put the book out here, and you can still find it if you search hard enough. Also there was talk of the Stones starring in a version of Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange, and a few press releases had them making a film called Back, Behind and In Front, but that was only a smokescreen.

B. The Maxigasm; several readers listed this but none of us have ever heard of it. Anyone want to fill us in?

C.The Trouble with Angels.

7. Where are they now?

a) Andrew Oldham

1) Oldham has been producing such groups as Repairs and Sunday Funnies for Motown’s Rare Earth label.

2) Writing shitty album cover notes for Stones repackages.

3) Appearing as Ronald McDonald at shopping center openings.

b) Marianne Faithfull

1) Recovering from smack addiction in a clinic in England, although latest reports have her living in Bali with a new husband.

2) Working as a “Welcome Girl” at Dishey World.

c) Ed Sullivan

1) Writing a gossip column for the New York Daily News.

2) In the Cockettes chorus line.

3) Where was he then?

8. Which of the Stones has written a book, and what's it about?

A. Charlie Watts wrote Ode to a Highflying Bird, a children’s book about jazz saxophonist Charlie Parker, published in England by Beat Press in 1964. There was also talk about him writing another children’s book, A Zoo of Flags, which never materialized.

B. Swimming: The Key to Health and Long Life, by Brian Jones.

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CONTINUED FROM PAGE 25.

9. Who and what were “The Beatles"?

A. Imitation Raspberries.

B. A hoax dreamed up by Alien Klein in order to get control of the Stones.

C. “The Beatles” are a small rash which is the telltale sign, according to Dr. David Reuben, that a woman has reached Secaucus, N.J.

10. What is “Loving Cup" about?

A. Cunnilingus.

B. Bianca’s Maidenform.

C. Bill Wyman’s love affair with Alex Karras’ supporter.

11. If he could end the war by going down on a terminal leper, would Mick do it?

A. If it didn’t wrinkle his shirt.

B. If he could charge $6.50 a ticket.

C. Yeah, but Mr. Kissinger withdrew his offer at the last minute.

12. Have any of the Rolling Stones or their immediate associates ever advocated, say, hitting a defenseless blind cripple over tjie head and taking his money? If so, when and where? If not, why not?

A. In 1965, in The Rolling Stones Now liner notes, Andrew Oldham wrote: “Cast deep in your pockets for loot to buy this disc of groovies and fancy words. If you don’t have bread, see that blind man knock him in the head, steal his wallet and lo and behold you have the loot, if you put in the boot, good, another one sold!”

B. No, they might need him for another tour.

C. No, because there’s no money in it. The money is in waiting outside the post office for old women leaving with their social security checks. That way you can get a piece of ass too.

D. I saw the Stones on their first tour, they were outasite.

13. On “Rocks Off,” Mick claims to be troubled by: a) misogyny; b) premature ejaculation; c) doubt; d) gout; e) nocturnal emissions; f) crabs.

A. e) (“I only get my rocks off when I’m dreaming”) and c) (the whole song).

B. a) b) and c). He claims to be troubled by the other three in “Blue Turns to Grey.”

C. n) terminal schizophrenia.

14. Chuck Berry once referred to Mick using an incorrect first name. The name he used was: a) “Hick” Jagger; b) “Prick” Jagger; c) “Dick” Jagger; d) “Sick" Jagger.

A. c) “Dick” Jagger, in an interview published in Rolling Stone magazine in 1969.

B. “Lipstick” Jagger

C. Thief

15. Why didn’t the Stones play Bangladesh? a) They were busy, b) They weren’t asked, c) They took a vote and decided to support Pakistan, d) George Harrison wanted Mick to change the words to “Let’s Spend the Night Together. ”

A. a) They were busy filing a $7.5 million suit against manager Allen Klein, who was accused of mishandling Stones funds, and preparing to file a high court writ against ex-Stones managers Andrew Oldham and Eric Easton.

B. They didn’t know the tune.

C. They didn’t know the rules; it’s a damn complicated game, brother.

D. They play rock and roll and wouldn’t have fit in.

16. There have been many drug references in Stones songs. What is:

a) The Stones’ best drug reference?

1) Calamine lotion in “Poison Ivy”

2) Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary

3) “My best friend he shoots water rats” — “Live With Me”

b) the most obscure?

1) “ ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash’ is a gas’ ” — nitrous oxide.

2) In “As Tears Go By,” the as means a/s, an allusion to sopors.

3) “Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright!...” (“I’m Alright”)

4) “Mentholated sandwich” in “Jigsaw Puzzle.”

17. What is “Something Happened to Me Yesterday” about? What pop singers, personalities and other ephemera are parodied in it?

A. Drugs and the Maharishi (“Sitting on a mat about to pray/ Isn’t half as looney/ As something oh so groovy”) maybe, with Dylan, the Beatles, Dixieland (trad to Anglophiles) jazz and World War II radio signoffs parodied. Also maybe about their drug busts.

B. Finding out your best friend is homosexual or being initiated into it yourself.

C. Being hit by a loaded cattle car.

D. Having some rag run a dumbass contest on the band.

E. I’ll be right back after I go to the bathroom.

18. What’s the verse that was left out of the studio version of “Honky Tonk Women” about?

A. French culture and honky tonk men after Mick’s buns: “I saw him on the boulevards of Paris/ As naked as the day that I will die/ The sailors they’re so charming there in Paris/ But they just don’t seem to sail you off my mind.” Included on Get Yer Ya Ya’s Out.

B.38 seconds.

19. Why did Mick and Keith call themselves “Nanker Phelge. ”

A. In the early days they credited “Nanker Phelge” with authorship of songs when someone besides Mick and Keith was involved in composition, especially group jams. The name refers to Jimmy Phelge, a printer friend with whom Mick and Keith once shared a flat, and a Stones coinage which Brian explained in Rave magazine in 1964: “Nankies are little men who think they represent authority. We take them off by pulling down the underneath of our eyes and pushing up the end of the nose.”

B. It sounded better than Amos’n’Andy.

C. They had written a bunch of bad checks.

D. I don’t know, I’m still trying to play it backwards at 78 rpm.

20. What Negro recording artist did Mick cop the most riffs from?

A. Tina Turner (taught him to dance).

B. Eric Burdon

C. Kim Simmonds. By the way, what’s a Negro?

D. Which didn’t he?

21. What song was played at Mick’s wedding?

A. “Theme From Love Story”

B. “Surfin’ Bird”

C. “You’re A Big Boy Now”

22. Marianne once lost a baby by Mick. What song does he sing about that in?

A. “Memo From Turner,” on the Performance soundtrack: “The baby’s dead, my lady said...”

B. “Off the Hook”

C. “No Expectations”

D. I don’t really care as long as I win this contest.

E. “Let It Bleed”

F. “I’m Free”

G. “Tumbling Ovum”

23. What is the most outrageous thing the Stones have ever done?

A. Pissing on a gas station when they were refused admittance to the rest room.

B. Dressing up in drag for the cover of the “Have You Seen Your Mother Baby” single.

C. Altamont

D. Gangbanged Marianne’s miscarried mush.

E. Claiming they never used drugs. (They did THAT?Ed.)

F. During their first appearance in Chicago, they slammed their limousine door on my sister’s arm and dragged her fifty feet along Lake Shore Drive.

G. Killing Brian Jones.

H. The party at Hugh Hefner’s place last summer. Keith took on four bunnies at once with a belt and a water gun filled with what he called his sweat, Jagger persuaded Bill Wyman (one of those rare creatures known as “the faithful husband”) to drink HeFs homemade “tonic for the blues” and Wyman promptly fell into bed with a young man and his lady.

Jagger filmed all the action and when some acid freak broad went down on him, Jagger tilted the camera down and got all that. Wow, you shoulda been there! Here we were, all of us naked and stoned, I took Richard’s belt away from him and beat hell out of him.

Charlie and Mick Taylor got tired of being called “virgins” and balled everything that didn’t run away. Wyman came out of his purple haze and beat shit out of Jagger. I told Bill, “If your wife finds out, she’ll leave, stay with me.”

And all he said was, “I always wanted a spade of my very own.”

Well, I always wanted a bass player, but that mother fucker was so rough, it was like rape. It wasn’t his fault ’cause Jagger and Richard got him high.

Then Mick made me hold the camera while he did fellatio on Richard, Richard on Taylor, Taylor on Watts, Watts on Wyman and Wyman on Jagger.

What was so outrageous was, none of the Bunnies were allowed to go home or leave or keep our clothes on or keep your virginity (as in my case). The Stones acted like scarred old slavers. I Was the only spade chick there and the other spades were guys.

Bill Wyman woulda been alright but he’s Jagger’s slave and Jagger is Richard’s slave and what Keith says goes.

After the sun rose, Jagger apologized and said, “See on the night of the full moon, we become demons until sunrise. It’s a curse Brian Jones put on us shortly before leaving this plane because we mistreated him. We have to suffer 9 plagues, 9 parties like this and the loss of 9 things very dear to us before we can be redeemed and I have to be raped by 9 Hell’s Angels and Keith has to be possessed by evil spirits one night out of every 90 before Brian’s spirit can rest. On top of that, we have to perform 7006 religious acts as penance but we don’t know what they are.”

For the next 331 full moons we can expect the Stones to rape our souls, unless someone who has reached the 7th Level of White Magic can save them.

24. What is the most chickenshit thing the Stones have ever done?

A. Letting Ed Sullivan force them into changing the lyrics to “Let’s Spend Some Time Together,” for his TV show.

B. Letting Decca/London force them not to release the original, bathroom-wall Beggars Banquet cover.

C. Releasing Jamming with Edward.

25. Quote complete lyrics to “Tumbling Dice. ” Must be absolutely accurate, but we’re confused enough about ’em you can probably fool us.

A. Women think I’m tasty They’re always tryin’ to waste me And make me burn the candle right down But baby, baby, don’t need no jewelsin my crown ’Cause all you women is low down gamblers Cheatin’ like I don’t know how Baby, I know, baby There’s fever in the funk house now This low down bitchin’ Got my poor feet a-itchin’ Oh, you know the deuce is still wild Baby, play it straight You got to roll me And call me the tumblin’ dice.

Always in a hurry We never have to worry Don’t see time flashin’ by Honey got no money I’m at all at sixes and sevens and nines Slow down baby I’ll be right outside You can be my partner in crime Baby, play it straight You got to roll me And call me the tumblin’ dice

Oh my my my I’m the lone crapshooter Playin’ the field every night Baby, play it straight You got to roll me And call me the tumblin’ dice. You got to roll me (repeat to infinity)

B. Tumbling dice Tumbling dice Who are you, what have you sacrificed?

C. Oooooooo whoa roll dem tumblin’ dice/ make ya feel reel nice/ oh baby pleez go all the way/ i feels so right being with you here tonight/ blow dat harmonica Steve/ shiny metallic purple armor/ all da holes in albert hall/ father/ yes son/ i want to kill you/ how does it feel/ aww how does it feel/ power to the people/ right on.

E. It don't make a damn bit of fuckin’ difference.