The Ten Worst Restaurants In America
There’s a thousand different ways to eat and not all of them begin with food, but when you’re out lookin’ for man-size vittles and you wanta sink your teeth into somethin’ extra special, keep your tummy happy and keep your foot on the gas when you see one of those hot little honies looming up on the highway, freeway, or back street of your choice.
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The Ten Worst Restaurants In America
Brian H. Cullman
Robot A. Hull
Explore And Expose America’s Eateries
There’s a thousand different ways to eat and not all of them begin with food, but when you’re out lookin’ for man-size vittles and you wanta sink your teeth into somethin’ extra special, keep your tummy happy and keep your foot on the gas when you see one of those hot little honies looming up on the highway, freeway, or back street of your choice. Each and every one of these buggers is guaranteed to give you cramps, runny shit, and a case of the funny Mexican heaves.
MEE HONG RESTAURANT Milwaukee, Wisc.
When ya first walk in this place, the odor just about knocks you out. Then when ya munch into an eggroll — filled with cat ooze — your intestines really squirm and sag. The waiter even warned us not to eat here, but we liked the gaudy sign too much. And don’t drink the beer either — it’s got slobber in it.
JEKYLL & HYDE'S Dallas, Texas
In the city where they shot Lee Harvey Oswald, there are some of the grubbiest restaurants anywhere. At this spooky joint they have a set-up in which ya can watch chicks with puffed-up hair wiggling outa hotpants and jiggling their jugs for horny, plastered, oily rednecks. Strippers are great to watch while you’re gnawing on some corned beef. I didn’t like the pussy hair in my tomato soup, tho.
SAILOR JACK'S SEA FOOD SNAX Charleston, South Carolina
Nothing could be finer than to puke your guts out in Carolina, and no one can help you do it better than Sailor Jack, the man who invented the clam roll and who was court-martialled three times by Naval Courts for inventing it. The food here is uglier than David Bromberg,
MAMA’S TAST-EE ENCHILJDAS Cleveland,.Ohio
Disguised as a harmless luncheonette cafe for grandmas (somewhat in the vein of a Woolworth’s snack bar), this restaurant is DEADLY! Nobody knows for sure what Mama puts in her pasteboard delights, but it just might be razor blades if ya do like we did and go in there really zonked and start shouting “VIVA ZAPATA.”
LUCILLE’S SPINACH PIE & PIZZA HUT Greenwich Village, NYC
One of the most dangerous places in the world, most patrons of Max’s Kansas City are scared to go in here! Lucille & Tony (originally from Trenton, New Jersey) serve snot-ridden spinach pie to unsuspecting junkies and then rip them off while they’re incapacitated.
TAISEI GARDENS Providence, R. I.
After chicken teriyaki and lung goo poo, I puked up baby worms and dried corn six times and Robot heaved twice and was laid up sick for two days. Foul play is a possibility since both of us were loaded on Kirin Rice Beer and insisted on calling the waitress SLANT-EYES, but those sneaky bastards got a hell of a nerve fucking with good American stomachs, and when was the last time you had A REALLY GOOD JAP HAMBURGER, HUH?
EVER READY DINER Memphis, Tenn.
Jerry Lee Lewis ate here once and got diarrhea for a week and then wrote “Great Balls of Fire” so we had to try this one out. The specialty of the house is slimey bar-b-q squirrel, and it’s still out-of-limits for hungry black bums. There’s a scrawny cook behind the counter who keeps a .38 under his belt, and he makes it a point to burp in your buttermilk if you even slightly resemble a shaggy beatnik. Better go armed or not at all.
JOY MAY CANTONESE RESTAURANT Washington, D.C.
This is where big time White House officials take top-ranking Chinese diplomats when they come to visit, and if you’re real lucky you might wind up sitting across from Mickey Rooney or Mel Stottlemeyer. You get funny hats to wear and party favors and occasionally the bucktoothed waiter can be talked into doing a pretty passable duckwalk while singing SLOW BOAT TO CHINA. Still, politicians ain’t usually the best judges of food, and most of the exciting lunchtime ideas that crop up now and then in public high school cafeterias across the nation originated here. Sweet and sour chipped beef, spam soup, and fried spaghetti with lichee all got their start here and are still the popular favorites they always were.
EASY RIDER CAFE Berkeley, Calif. '
In the great tradition of hip-cliche joints like YELLOW SUBMARINE, HUMBLE PIE, PINK FLOYD SLOPHOUSE, etc., we have here a fine example of an Elliot Gould-blah diet. Man the stomach pumps cause they serve such shit as pancakes made outa straw, chalk coffee, nut treats, assorted grains, with lotsa yogurt sauce, and boy, I never had so much tea in my life. In the corner they got a porno bookrack, and the people who dine here all wanna be Buddhist monks. The jukebox has seven selection spots for “Stairway to Heaven,” and one dude there claimed he used to write for ROLLING STONE. Yeah, it’s cool.
ANGELO’S Trenton, New Jersey
Yep, this one’s strictly from hunger. This is the number one New Jersey hangout for high school english teachers and basketball coaches. Everyone calls you Tony or Boy-o, and you get bounced out on your ear if you can’t eat yer spaghetti with a spoon. The back room is where the action is, and for the right price the lucious little waitresses will really give you your money’s worth EYE-talian style (that’s no funny stuff, buster!) and fix you right. Here we are examining the merchandise.
