Grilch Ga-Dunk Dunk Means I Love You

Dolores wanted to run away. I have absolutely no idea how she ever got a dumb idea like wanting to run away. After all, not many dragonettes have it as good as she does. Be that as it is, Dolores wanted to run away. Beulah tried to cheer her up, but Beulah always manages to mess up when she does anything, (which is just why she’s so great, but that later) so Dolores still was running away.

As far as I could see, she was just throwing an attention tantrum for no reason. And she usually was so nice and sweet. Well, she had her suitcase all packed, up when Ollie panicked. Now I knew he was going to panic. My. sisters knew he was going to panic. I’ll bet you knew he was going to panic too.

How could that Ollie panic?-: The odds were definitely in his favor. With only five minutes left to go, out of a half an hour, he should have known that she wouldn’t run away for good. But if he did, then he wouldn’t be Ollie. It’s a good thing that Kukla and Fran thought of making some chocolate milk. They used the age old “Go ahead and run away Dolores, and have a nice time” trick, because they knew that Dolores only wanted attention and wasn’t going anywhere.

Of course, the trick worked. Dolores turned sheepish and started crying, and everyone forgave her and she got chocolate milk and Ollie was thrilled and bragged how he knew all along she wouldn’t run away. And in the background tfie ever-present da-da-da — da-da-da-da — da-da — da-da-da-da-da — dada-darda-da - d a - da -da -da — da-da-da-da — da-da-da-da — da-da.

Ollie can really be obnoxious. He brags all the time, and he almost never can back up any of what he’s bragging about. He’s always so sure in the bragging though, that it doesn’t matter that he won’t get elected, or get his date, or make a lot of money or teach anyone how to play bells the right way. If he ever did anything completely right, he’d be useless to us, becausejjye don’t want him to get his date or play the bells right or make money. And we especially don’t want him to stop bragging.

If Ollie didn’t brag, then Kukla wouldn’t be able to be calm with his little bald head that makes him look like a girl puppet. (When you add his traces of effeminacy and high voice that is — the first besexual puppet — how’s that for being way ahead of his time?) But Kukla always is right there with Fran, who’s just great too.

When I was about four years old Kukla and Ollie were ,the same age as me* Now I’m eighteen and they’re still the same age as I am. One of my sisters is thirteen, and I bet they’re both thirteen too. So am I sometimes. Only they have it all over'me and you, because they can do it all the time, twenty-four hours a day.

Kukla and Ollie always know just how to get through any tough situation. They fought the Revolution (the old one — the first one that never quite made it), the Civil War, discovered America, crossed the Delaware and been alot of other places that I won’t get to. Not for a while, anyhow.

I never had any pageants when I went to school, and I can’t say that I’m sorry, but I’m glad that they did, do, and will. The songs are fun. Their pageants are fun cause they poke funat all the holidays. Thapksgiving/gets turned into a travesty, because Ollie’s part is never, big enough. Easter’s all right, but they always saved the best for their Christmas one. I don’t remember who played Mary, but if it was Fran, then I believe it. (Which is something that I never, did with the other one. At least the Old Testament guys we used to read about twice a week after school before the dumb learning about Purim and that stupid Esther and her problems with Haman used to spice up the story with some fooling around.)

Time out to talk for a whole minute or so about Fran. Some people never did like Fran. I always like her, because she’s always been a puppet too. All right, so what if she does get older all the time? She’s so graceful about it. No mini-skirt for her. You won’t catch her saying “FAR-OUT” just to be trendy like the old bats at shopping centers who all like to hum the Fifth Dimension’s versions of Laura Nyro songs — which I’m not too crazy about to start with anywayv Fran is just as young or old as she’s always been, and she’s just as don’t touch pretty too. She’s really a puppet, that’s why, and I swear it’s the truth. She doesn’t talk down to the other puppets. She talks to them. The puppets aren’t puppets. They aren’t humah either. They just are. I know calling them puppets might have bad connotations, so I’ll stop that.

“Winky Diuk and you, Winky Dink and me. Oh what fun we will have together”.

The crayons for Winky Dink are still probably hidden away in a warehouse in New Jersey. Winky Dink was color tv for real. Any color anyone wanted. He’ll make a comeback — and only a glance at last year’s tv sections will tell you. that in some places he already did.

Howdy Doody’s making a comeback now, but since he was never too good to begin with and Buffalo Bob turned out to be a fink after all these years and only people who want to be campy go to see the old films, it really is pretty inconsequential.

Farmer Brown cartoons and the Little Rascals are still around. They were never really very good or very bad, but just something to watch to waste time for good stuff. At least the piano music for Farmer Brown was good. And Farmer Brown wasn’t ever my idea of a knock-em-dead star. The Little Rascals were all right. They had flashes of brilliance, like the harm ted house ones, and when Alfalfa had to fight Butch or when the International, Silver String, Sub-Marine Band came out like street kids and got looked down upon at the talent show, but won with “The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeeze”. Someone told me that Darla became a hooker, but he just made it up. Annette Funicello came; from Utica, though, so that explains why the Mickey Mouse Club really was never too good.

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Do you remember Spin and Marty? That was the ultimate low. Thosetwo creeps used to go through every cliche just to fight to see who got Annette. And in those days nobody got Annette anyway, no matter who got Annette. And who’d want Annette? Who’d want Bob Considine in the Hardy Boys? The books were and still are so much better, especially when considering that there have been at least as many F. W. Dixon’s as Lassies.

Froggy was almost as good as Ollie always has been^ but to get Froggy and get the chance to see him make a fool of some older person (important that it was always an older person) you were forced to listen to Andy Devine — what a dope — talk about Scotch Brand glue and introduce a lousy film about Sabu the Indian Boy or else Manuel and his Donkey. (With his dumb song about: the Donkey — I’ve always wondered, about Manuel and his Donkey. Then again, I’ve always wondered about Andy Devine and Midnight the cat. Why did he always go “Come here Midnight”. I guess he wanted Midnight. To some spurious end, no doubt.)

Paul Winchell almost made it. For a while his Hartz Mountain birdseed show was going strong. Winchell was lucky enough to have a few good guys working with him. Knucklehead Smiff (you didn’t really think it was Smith, did you?) was always a lot smarter than anyone thought he was. He used to find ways to outsmart everyone to get what he wanted, be that cutting school or a lollipop. Jerry Mahoney thought he, was one smart cookie, but he almost never outwitted Paul Winchell. Anyone who couldn’t outwit Paul Winchell couldn’t have been all that good. In fact, Paul Winchell would have made it to a level at least equivalent to Jimmy Nelson and Farfel — but Jimmy botched it with his N-E-S-T-L-E-S bit. What I mean is that Winchell could have retired in good standing. His comeback shows of a few years ago with the “Jerry Mahoney Club” couldn’t stand upr

Winchell was also always trying to be a real human person. Adults never felt quite secure with Kukla, Fran, and Ollie because they realized that there was real love coming from the screen and that it was something different from what they wanted to be coming from the screen. Kukla, Fran, and Ollie often gave it to -Joe McCarthy'in the gut. Paul Winchell might be a White Panther for all I know,, but on television he always has been an adult. That’s what cuts him down in the end. Not that his friends don’t have some good points, because Knucklehead’s always been' right up there.

It is Shari Lewis, though, who perhaps best points out the problems. Shari always was a lot of fun. Lamb Chop always was a bit too cute for my liking, and her other friends had their ups and downs. Her shows were always warm though. I don’t remember what games she always played, but I liked some of them. My sisters are really big on Shari,so maybe she held more of an attraction for girls. After all, in the late fifties and early sixties, there weren’t too many women running around television who did much else except breathe deep in low cut dresses. But what did Shari do after_ the show folded? She went around in night clubs trying to push herself off as some kind of puppeteering Ann Margaret or something. She slunk so low as to make Lamb Chop the foil for slightly off color jokes (might have been light amber or something) for adults to just eat up. The jokes did. Lamb Chop as sexy little lamb is sickening. She was hard enough to take when she was whimpering all the time. To sum it up — anyone aroused by Lamb Chop probably deserves and needs it.

A friend of mine never liked any shows where humans were anywhere to be found. I share the feeling, with the exception of Kukla, Fran, and Ollie, for reasons that I’ve already explained and will explain further. It adds up to this though. We all had parents. We had enough of our parents all day long. We had enough on' television and in the markets and schools and everywhere. Adults seemed to have everything just about locked up, but they couldn’t get a grip on our television. I’ve always maintained that that is what killed off good kid’s television.

Adults (most of em) don’t like rock and roll. They are afraid of it. They can’t deal with the vitality and energy of it. Rock and roll music is very strange to adults. They can’t deal with rock and roll so they do their level best to predict its death and demean or ignore it. With television they had the power to rid themselves of an annoyance. So they did.

Cool children’s shows were often spurned by adults. The truth of it is, that children and adults just don’t look for the same things in a show. Any show that an adult could enjoy totally, probably could not be enjoyed completely by kids. 1 never liked Mr. Wizard, did you?

Adults got rid of good kid’s television. What happened to Rootie Kazootie? Poisen Zoomac never got to him, but some creep at a network axed him in favor of war-toys and cartoons where nothing happens, and nothing moves. Bring back Ruff n Ready. I’d even settle for the old Warner Brothers cartoons that were shown on local kiddie shows. All the Uncle This ones. (“Hi kids, it’s your old Uncle Bob bringing you another fun-filled show.”) Adults got rid of good kid’s shows, and they are paying for it now with many dull, unimaginative kids. Good shows don’t glue a kid’s mind to the set all day. Just for particular shows. Most kids used to watch shows then go out on the Street and have their own adventures and games. I bet the kids who go wild for Grand Funk were stifled by GI Joe and lousy cartoons.

Good television was only a small part of a kid’s life. So much to do, and so much more to do. Kukla, Fran, and Ollie again for a while. They’ve always understood and they’ve always had it all.

We’re all cynical a bit about happy endings now. For many of us it’s only because we believe in them so much, that we are very hurt all the time, because they don’t come like we know they should. It’s a shame to see and speak to jaded five year olds. Snow White' was boring but the colors were nice. That’s the problem. Kids can’t tell anymore what’s so good about a happy ending. Happy endings are really worth it. If part of you didn’t believe that you wouldn’t care so much about this paper, cause you wouldn’t care so much about rock and roll. Fun’s part of a happy ending you know. Just like magic shows when you could tell everyone exactly how the magician did his tricks. And if the magician was a good-guy he loved you for being a bratty kid and telling . . . or trying to. He loved it even more when you were dead wrong.

Mrs. Buffwoffington Chicken walks around asking folks if the sky is falling (in chicken talk). Her pals are Chicken Little and Goosey Lucy and all the rest, but Kukla, Fran, and Ollie too. She’s an old chicken now. She used to be the one to solely supply E. B. with eggs (that’s Easter Bunny for the uninitiated). Now she’s old, and her laying of eggs for the gang was a big sacrifice. Fran was very touched and wanted to pay her. She, of course refused, because she gets Social Security. Fran wanted to give her a present, but she wouldn’t1 dream of accepting it. “Well, at least let us have you for dinner.’' Oh, no. She didn’t use a corny old joke like that did she?

All right. Which of you idiots thought that was corny? Own up. Come on, don’t you know a great line? Corny, HUMBUG. Funny line, really is. And don’t wrorry about the Freudian implication, Fran’d never eat Mrs. Buffwoffington Chicken.

Some day Colonel Cracky is going to marry Ophelia Ogelpuss (how’s that for a name in 1950s tv). That doesn’t stop him from being enticed by her now. So enticed that he rips out her hair bow, let’s her long blonde hair fly and drags her under the stage. For what? She loves it, and it really all is quite proper.

Cecil Bill has a speech impediment. He can only go “too too, too too”. Usually Kukla interprets what he says. He’s sort of shy, probably some insensitive morons make fun of him. Kids learn that Cecil Bill may be a bit odd, but that he’s deserving of love and respect, just like everyone else.

Love’s a neat thing. It’s hard enough to find for real anywhere, but when you find it coming out pf a television set you can really know that something is up. Fran Allison pushes love through that tube. Kukla does in his conservative way. Ollie’s bragging makes us love him even more, cause we know he only brags because he’s insecure. Beulah’s a nice witch. (But she’s not so nice that she won’t make a neat naisty remark or two). Kukla, Fran, an3 Ollie are great folks. They are real people, much more real than Ward Cleaver ever will be. They are the kind of people that America is supposed to develop. Their dream land is the one that we are taught in school’s that we live in. They’re what we really do want in the worst ways. For fifteen years they’ve pointed out the good things in people. That’s a lot to get from television. They are also a lot of fun. That’s a lot to get from television. Kukla, Fran, and Ollie are the Revolution. They are also rock and roll at its best, even if they can’t play any instruments.

I sort of hate to bring him up, but some guy named Burr Tilstrom hangs around with Ollie and Co. and he just might have something to do with them and all of us too.

da-da-da — da-da-da-da-da-da — da — da-da-da-da — da-da-da-da — da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da — da-da — da-da-da-da — da-da-da-da-da-da.

End Note: Sesame Street is all right. It’s a step in the right direction, but if it doesn’t start improving, kids are going to get sick of it. Also, if you liked Paul Winchell or Winky Dink or Shari Lewis or Micky Mouse or anyone the best, that’s just fine too.