Contact Truss

Contact Truss

A Friendly-Spoof on “You Know Who” by Peter McWilliams ... Who Couldn’t Resist

In the beginning there was Action Line. Then the Detroit News stole the Free Press’ idea and gave us Contact Ten. Now Creem steals the Detroit New’s idea and brings you: CONTACT TRUSS! [Truss, better known to billions of Detroiters as “Uncle Truss — the Guru of Grand River”, will be happy to answer your questions concerning Rock and Roll, birth control, rat control, dope, hope, and the attainment of True Enlightenment in your spare time.]

Dear Uncle Truss,

. What does “Kick out the jams” mean?

Well, as you might know, for maximum comfort of all. attendees, we limit the ticket sales at The Ball Room to 100 per concert. This allows for lots of room for all. However, about 1000 people per performance SNEAK IN and make the place jam packed. These people are called The Jams, in Ballroom venacular. When a band is playing and they fed the atmosphere is too confined, they yell “Kick out the jams, please” which means the hired police officers check for ticket stubs and throw out any unauthorized concert-goers. I hope that answers your question.

Dear Uncle Truss,

How much money do you make? There are three things I never tell; My age, My I.Q., and how much money I make, (if I told you how much money I made, I’d be a “fortune teller’’ now wouldn’t I?)

Dear Uncle Truss,

What do you think of the Middle East Crisis?

Well, they’re an alright group or whatever I haven’t| heard much about them lately. There were some rumors about them splitting up, but you know how rumors fly around the Great Pop World. I think after about a few years of developing they will be good enough to play at The Ball Room.

Dear Truss,

What do you, think of Kate Smith?

There are three things I never tell: My age, my LQ., and what I think of Kate Smith.

Dear Uncle Truss,

. Why don’t you ever have The Beatles at The Ballroom?

We have beatles at the ball room! Beatles and cockroaches and termites and spiders and rats and hired pigs. What more do you kids

want? Blood?! A lot of you little brats are really ungrateful! I’m not kidding! You must have had rotten parents, that’s all I can say! Always remember: The Ballroom may not be the best ball room in the world, BUT IT’S THE ONLY ONE YOU’VE GOT!

Dear Uncle Russ,

What are your thoughts on Communism?

There are three things I never tell: My age, my I.Q., and my thoughts on communism.

Dear Uncle Russ,

Every Sunday my mother and I have a battle. She wants me to go to church and 1 want to stay home and listen to your program. What should Ido?

Remind yoUr ipother that this country is based upon principals contained in the phrase “freedom of religion.” If your mother wants tq_ worship God, that is her business. If you Want to worship me, that’s yours. Try to explain this to your mother, if she will not listen, that’s alright. Go to church with her, but bring along an - “In the Ear FM Receiver” so you can listen. (They’re available in tHe Ball Room gift shop. $45.98. Antenna extra.)

Dear Uncle Truss,

I would like to show my gratitude for all the pleasures you have given me. I am 34-24-35, eighteen, and a dead-ringer for Jane Fonda. All I have to offer you is my body. Would it be of any use to you;

I have all my orgasms in my mind, thank you.