THE POP SOAP OPERA

ANNOUNCER: Welcome once again to "Searching For The Very Souls That Already Have Been Sold” our continuing story of life and love, laughter and liberty tears and fears and feeling proud within the Popular Music World we all know and love so well.

Last time, you will recall, Little Judy Collins, the world’s most experienced virgin, set out to find out if there was any truth to the rumor that she was Dorothy Collins’ daughter. On the way to. Grandma’s house, she was stopped by JUDASS ASPARAGUS; the money-seeking record mongoul of Popular Music Land. He told her that it was predicted that the most popular female folk singer was going to commit suicide, and if JUDY remained alive, she would prove her own lack of popularity. JUDASS then offered her a hemlock joint, butJUDY, a good Synanon member, refused tokes.

In today’s episode, we flash back to late 1968, just after JUDY’S recording of “Both Sides Now” became number one on all the Pimple-Pop AM radio stations. JUDASS and JUDY are discussing JUDY’S next album: “JUDY COLLINS: WHO KNOWS WHERE THE TIME GOES”.

JUDY: Why not on this album cain’t I jest sing and play the guitar all by my lonesome, Jed?

JUDASS: That just isn’t done, Judy Dear, Nobody just plays the guitar anymore, not even Bob Dylan (they kneel and make the Sign of the Peace). You’ve got to have the Full Orchestral Sound behind it. Remember: Words and music is not enough? You’ve got to have that orchestra stuff! Besides, we have a contract with the musician’s union.

JUDY: Shucks.

JUDASS: (he refers to his notes) Let’s see here... the Country Sound is becoming popular.

JUDY: I wanna sing some cowboy songs!

JUDASS: Cowboy songs?!

They have a popularity rating of only two! No, Judy Love, ballads and “Together” songs are big today. (Each time he says “together” he puts the “I-know-that-you- Know” look in his eyes that he learned from Alan Watts). We’ll have our Together Department choose four contemporary ballads and five philosophically sound songs.

JUDY: I wanna sing a cowboy song!

JUDASS: Very well, Judy.

One cowboy song, three contemporary ballads, and five philosophically sound songs.

JUDY: Yahoo!

JUDASS: Now, about the album photos; I think for the cover we should have a close up of your face looking pensive and mysterious.

JUDY: Shucks, we had a picture of me looking pensive and mysterious on six albums now, Jud.

JUDASS: Don’t mess with success, baby. Now for the back cover I think a picture of you holding your own hand and looking tearful, fearful BUT hopeful would be in order.

JUDY: But we did that before. Why not do something different?

JUDASS: (ignoring and continuing) and for the center spread, a color photo of you in concern.

JUDY: But Big Brother did that, with their album.

JUDASS: And I know from where the money comes!

ANNOUNCER: (cutting in) Will Judy remain a virgin while being prostituted? Does Judy REALLY know where the time goes. Will Judy reach the Emerald City and get to see the Wizard? Tune in again next time for these and other answers to your most precious and private questions on “Searching For The Very Souls That Already Have Been Sold.”