PRIME TIME

PRIME TIME

CATCHING HELL

by Richard C. Walls

THE DEVIL AND DAVE DiMARTINO: Anyone fortunate enough to be watching CBS Morning News, at 8:40 a.m. last July 18th was treated to the spectacle of our beloved CREEM editor Dave “checks-go-out-nextweek” DiMartino engaging in civilized discourse with the Hulk Hogan of Evangelical cathodeChristians, Jimmy Swaggart. The Premise behind this encounter was that Wal-Mart, a Southern-based chain of convenience stores, had removed all rock magazines from their shelves shortly after Swaggart had given a particularly fiery sermon on the evils of said mags (and we’re talking everything from Right On to Rolling Stone, from Hit Parader to CREEM, magazines with a variety of editorial approaches and not always overlapping audiences... but then, making distinctions is the devil’s work, n’est-pas?). This gave somebody at CBS Morning News the idea that it’d be kinda neat to get a rock mag editor and The Swag together in the same studio to hash out this issue—in fact, why not give them four whole minutes (tops!) of precious network time to get to the bottom of this censorship/religion/ politics/decline-of-the-West stuff.

And it was kind of amusing. Dave had called me the day before the show aired (live) knowing that, in my capacity as CREEM’s resident outre-TV buff, I could give him the straight poop on Swaggart. I told him that in my opinion the Reverend was a psychopath and then, figuring that was a little vague, added that Swaggart, though much cruder and more obvious than such oily politicians as Robertson and Falwell, still had enough media savvy to present different personas to different audiences. On his own show, before an arena of true believers, he’s a shouter, an exhorter, stalking the stage like a big mean ol’ peckerwood, babbling about “homosex-u-ills” and (even worse!) “intel-lect-u-ills” and generally telling his poor benighted troops who to hate and what to think. But on a mainstream show like Nightline or CNN’s Crossfire, he comes on like a thoughtful theologian, in manner if not word.

And sure enough, The Swag did his best to effect a cornball seriousness (even though he wasn’t really there—is he ever? —being beamed in from Baton Rouge). Holding his horn-rims poised thoughtfully at chin level, he radiated all the sincerity of a fake TV doctor about to lay down some heavy advice for hemorrhoid sufferers. Rock mags, he intoned, are “pornography, pure and simple” aimed at “children” and available at “family outlets.” What’s more, they were somehow connected to “suicide” and “drug addiction”...also, they “depicted every sex-u-ill escapade that could be thought of” and were “a dehabilitating (sic) influence.” “Outlandish...illusion ...not truth,” responded Dave, somewhat nonplussed by the “porn” rap (You gotta hand it to these Right Wing Fundies, once they decide to get on your case, they don’t fuck around. Oops— hope I haven’t caused any impressionable youngster out there to rape or murder or otherwise behave like a Contra ’cause I used the word “fuck.” You can’t be too careful!). “Garbage...slop... filth,” said Swaggart. “Misleading...” said Dave, a little charitably, I think. And so it went.

Towards the end of this enlightening interchange Dave finally came up with an effective counterpunch, offering Swaggart a page in CREEM to say whatever he wanted and promising him his copy would be unedited by secular humanist hands. Swaggart hedged a bit here, saying that CREEM might use him “to sell more magazines.” (Right. “Inside! Famous Evangelical Fruitcake Tells You Why This Mag Sucks!” It’ll sell like hotcakes!) Anyway, as of now, the Swag hasn’t taken Dave up on his offer. Makes you wonder... maybe, under that sneering macho exterior, God’s bully boy is really a wimp, afraid to step into our little lion’s den here. Heck, he might even be one of them there homo-sex-u-ills. Hey, just kidding, big guy...