Seven Deadly Fashion Sins

Seven Deadly Fashion Sins

METAGANZA

Rick Johnson

Women have not fared well at rock music in general or heavy metal in particular. Strength has nothing to do with it. A flea could make these noises with a mega-amplified musical instrument and has on certain old Motorhead tracks. Male reproductive organs aren’t it either, although women do look kinda stoopid in metal stage postures, which are designed for maximum crotch emphasis.

Fashion mistakes are the real problem. Now, I realize I’m not the ultimate authority on the prevailing tastes of female performers. I mean, I knew it was all over for me when I realized that my favorite Judd was Mom. What I’m interested in is the absence of said outer garments. Hubba.

You can’t help but notice certain errors in fashion judgement, though. Before I run out of fetal sedatives here, I’d like to point out a few style boners as a public service.

Joan Jett: Joan’s mistake is the rotten old leather jacket she claims to have worn every day for the past seven years. Sometimes referred to by her manager as the “chick who sweats like a man,” the coat probably has a lot to do with it. “This is me,” she insists, “everybody has her little things that she likes.” Oh, sorry, Joan. I thought you were talking about your jacket, not your breasts.

Darby Mills: The Headpins’ dynamic vocalist blunders when she allows herself to be photographed in those puffy vests that are so popular among Canadians. One look and I want to insulate my attic with her.

Girlschool: Although this band changes personnel like burn victims change ointments, they inevitably have these awful hairdos obviously borrowed from the pages of Shortcuts To A Beautiful Lawn. Staged photos showing them in boutiques do not help the situation except where they’re pulling sweaters over their heads.

Rock Goddess: While the founding Turner sisters have monumental hourglass figures (bassist Dee O’Malley’s is more a sundial), they cover ’em up with the blandest, most shapeless outfits imaginable. They should’ve taken the word “hell” out of their first LP title and made it Dacron Polyester Sailcloth Smocks Hath No Fury.

Wendy O. Williams: What we have here is a case of overkill. Particularly fond of posing alongside earth-moving equipment, she does evoke an occasional dumptruck thrill. Wendy’s look is totally overdone, from the plastic clothespins on her nipples (they don’t even match!) to the elephanttrainer’s whip to the jangling handcuff-belt usually reserved for vicious criminals like child murdferers and refugee hiders. “Those female wrestlers are my kind of gals,” she points out. “Professional maniacs!"

But it doesn’t mean she has to dress like a mat.

Bitch: Cruel and unusual rubber attire is always a no-no, and Betsy Bitch does it to the max. Sometimes I really can’t tell whether I’m supposed to lick her boots or use her as a truck-bed liner. Not to mention those icky freckles all over her chest. Betsy dear, you look like you’ve been gang-refueled by a roving school of gas nozzles.

Pat Benatar: Pat, I have a word I want you to think about. It’s spelled C-A-L-E-N-D-A-R. Although some people always wear last year’s styles—or no year’s styles in my case—the ooh-ooh guru can always be counted on to appear in last decade’s. She could pass for Aldo Ray on a bad one. Personally speaking, I will write my congressman if I ever see her in those Spandex maternity leotards again.

Lita Ford: This onetime runaway commits the opposite of Pat B.’s nothin’-on-me-butclean appearance. She’s just too tough. Lita adorns herself with so much leather, she often looks like something you should store your cassettes in. She gives this rags expert a kinda slimy feeling, like my heart’s been touched by the voice of Dean Martin.

Patty Smyth: Always trying to appear as something she ain’t is where Patty goes awry. One day it’s the hilarious grape ruffled Scarlett O’Hara dress. Next day it’s that ridiculous warrior get-up, which on her looks like a domestic towel ensemble from hell. Advice to Patty: take your entire wardrobe and heat at 375° for 20 years.

Ultimately, I’d say these fashion bloopers are the product of an identity-crisis common to female rock musicians. “At first, they said we were Motorhead with tits,” said one Girlschooler who shall remain nameless. Or consider Darby Mills’s famous words, “I’m like a guy with tits. I’ve always been one of the guys,” she goes on to explain. “I didn’t have dolls. I had trucks. But I am a female. I can’t get away from that.”

And neither can we. You’re dealing with it the right way, Darb. Just like that horror movie ad from way back, keep repeating to yourself, I am a female...l am a female...I am a female...