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MAIL

Send all your hot ’n’ heavy love letters, vicious hate mail, warped comments, and tamper-proof food products to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

SENSELESS PRANK!

I am a Master’s prepared clinician endeavoring to pursue a specialty in psychiatry and need some assistance. My area of interest is the psychology of rock music and musicians. If you know of any practitioners in the field conducting research or know of a bibliography or other sources of referral, please forward them to me.

Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

Virginia P. Johnson, RN, MSN

Maywood, NJ

BUT WE MUST LISTEN TO THE YOUNG!

This one question comes to mind after reading Jon Young’s review of the Firm’s debut album. How come you guys hire so many retardos to write for your mag? I mean, I respect the fact that you try to provide employment for these morons, but it’s a little more than obvious that poor Jon is mentally incapable of reviewing a record (he actually called my hero “dull”).

I know times are tough, but I don’t think you have to go all the way to the looney bins for help, I know a lot of high schools and colleges who have extremely talented writers who I’m sure would be willing to review the records for almost nothing. I mean, I do believe in giving these people (the MR’s) a chance, but there are readers out there who might actually take them serious. Who knows? Some person might now choose not to buy the Firm’s album because of what a crazy dude said. Please, for the sake of your magazine’s future—get rid of these loonies. Remember—it’s your reputation.

Unsigned,

Los Angeles, CA

(But—when you get right down to it—who really cares what you think?—Ed.)

ALL Y00-H00 ON THE EASTERN FRONT

While I pondered weak and weary, trying to read a book while doing research for a term paper I am doing for an English class, I was reading a book called ADOLF HITLER: THE PSYCHOPATHIC GOD by Robert G. Waite (no relation to John, methinks!) when I read something that scared the crap out of me. There I was, reading along, minding my own business when the following words, spoken by Hitler, caught my attention:

When the war is over, I shall retire. Then I would like to devote myself to clarifying my thought, and to setting it down on paper. Wars pass by. The only things that exist are the works of human genius.

that I had heard almost the exact words in a SONG somewhere, I went to stereo and slipped on F.G.T.H.’s Welcome Pleasure Dome. I listened to the entire side of the tape before finding what i was (By the way, CREEM was right in saythat anyone who buys this album without at least half of it first DOES deserve he gets!!!!) As I was saying, I found almost exact same words in the plagiarized lyrics

(Hide Yourself)” but with a few the war, I want to devote myself to thoughts for five to ten years and to

writing it down. Wars come and go. What remains are only the value of culture. That kind of stuff just begs for one, great big collective HUH??? I almost sick! And I “hear it through the grapevine” that or three of the guys(?) in this grc^up(?) are and I can even stomach what CREEM “Village People-style macho grunts” all, but to sing lines lifted from a German dictator who once compared the brains of Americans to those of hens, and who almost succeeded in wiping out an entire people as

as kill thousands of Britons with bombs just...well, it just doesn’t make sense. guess what I am trying to say is this: STOP TRYING TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE ONE OF SOCIALLY AWARE GROUPS LIKE U2 SINGING ABOUT THE LACK OF. NICENESS IN THE WORLD, WAR AND POVERTY!!!!!!!!!!! You aren’t even believable!! quote Frankie), “Good God” and what’s next?? A remake of the Police’s “Bombs Away” using FDR’s “Day Of Infamy” speech? I am sorry because I know you try to avoid good ideas like prostitutes avoid VD. Any more ideas, you ask? Yeah!! Frankie, go to heck (or back to Liverpool since they are one and the same!!!) Spare America “articulate”

same!!!) Spare America

thoughts on society.

Patrick Thompson Morganfield, KY (As the roots-wise Frankies surely know, FDR’s

Coast Pop Art Experimental Band on their album Volume II.—Ed.)

THERE ARE NO BAD CHILDREN

The letter from the mother of Ratt’s Stephen Pearcy has got to be the funniest goddamned thing I’ve read in your rag in years. Can you honestly imagine the mothers of John Lennon (Aunt Mimi, actually), Jagger, Reed, Dylan or Gene Vincent defending their sons in print against bad press during their respective heydays?

Just goes to show you that—for all their attempts to project a “big, bad, rock ’n’ roll mofo front”—bands like Ratt are nothing but a scam, sham and just plain phony.

So, go ’head on, CREEM—slap ’em around and send them back to hide behind Mommy’s skirts.

Mike Heath College Park, MD

AND HE IS, TOO!

I am the notorious Ronn Trice, the notorious Ronn Trice, the notorious Ronn Trice, the notorious Ronn Trice, the notorious Ronn Trice, the notorious Ronn Trice.

Later,

The notorius Ronn Trice Washington, D.C.

ANOTHER SCUM-SUCKING WORM DIATRIBE

I saw a movie called Squirm the other night.

I was just wondering if the Dauph has seen it. He probably liked it if he did; one part was particularly nauseating for me. For a young guy who wasn’t very intersting otherwise, the actor who was attacked by vicious scum-sucking worms who were only too happy to slither up inside his then-bleeding face was pretty good with facial contortions. I didn’t watch everything after that, but I know if the Dauph did, and things got worse, he surely enjoyed the film even more. Is this why I wanted to write in and tell CREEM to feature him more? Lasca

Lawton, OK (No.—Ed.)

"BILLY” US LATER!

I really liked Anastasia Finn’s article on the worst new acts of the ’80s, with one exception (of course). I find A Flock Of Seagulls quite entertaining. I wish they were as popular as Duran Duran. Apparently Mrs. F. saw them in concert and wasn’t impressed; I did and was very. Now if it turns out that they only had a couple of great albums in them, so what? The history of rock is jam-packed with bands that only had one or two hits. No matter what happens I’ll recall AFOS with fondness.

Please get Billy Altman and Bill Holdship to write for you more often. I almost always agree Joan Jett and Elvis Costello have only been on your covers twice each. Justice, pah.

Artie Brooks

Bridgeport, CT

“YIPS!” APLENTY

I’ve got a question concerning Ratt which needs to be answered by them or someone close to them. Can you please help me out? I don’t want to bother the band because I know they’re so busy touring, etc.

Jennifer Patrick

Bowie, MD

(Thanks for your letter.—Ed.)

LET’S TALK ABOUT WEENIES

Hi, guys! I gotta tell you, I love your magazine. I’m a fan of many type of music and you guys cover it all! What other rock magazine covers Jimmy Page and Bob Dylan in the same issue? Even though you put down my favorite music (heavy metal)* I never miss an issue.

I also love your sarcastic humor. Especially the captions! Some of my favorites have been “Is this normal for a kid my age, Wally?” and “Hot dang! Weenies!” Keep up the good work!

Rose

Chapel Hill, TN

AND THE REST WEREN’T RELATED TO BILLY SQUIER

Three fish were swimming in a lake and one fell out.

ElJay

Caledonia, Ml

THE WATCHFUL EYE OF BOBO

Read Kordosh & Holdship’s article on W.A.S.P (those wimps). Anyway, he mentioned grilled swiss and onion sandwiches on whole wheat. Tried it—was great. Tell them both that grilled cheese with Cheddar dipped in ketchup (not all at once, dorks—like french fries!) is my favorite.

By the way, is this “Bobo” character you mention in your mag one of my relatives? Or a slimy business associate of mine? Just curious!

Anyway, been subscribing since 1970 and will do so as long as you’re publishing!

Have fun! I do!

Bobo,

Bobo’s Books, Records & Video

Spokane, WA

GIRLSKULL?

I would like to get the opinion of you and your readers in this latest piece of writing I have done. Heavy Metal is my life so please do not get the impression that I am putting down this species of animal. (I’m damn proud to say that I’m one of you.)

THE HEAVY METALIST’S HEAD

Two days past I was witness to the dissection of a heavy metalist’s head. It was, to say the least, quite an experience, and the findings of our staff were quite stupendous.

The first and most obvious trait to be noticed was the massive amount of hair on the head, which made it difficult to locate the skull. It seemed to be dyed a sort of awkward blond color and bore a striking resemblance to manure-stained straw.

Upon the removal the hair we continued our analysis. Having made an opening in the skull, a deafening roar enveloped us, apparently the source of his musical interests.

We found the skull to be lined with studded leather and in some cavities decorated with metal chains and torn rags seemingly for protection of the innards of this man’s head.

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 13

The largest cavity, to our surprise, held many interesting objects. This area seemed to be the main “control panel” for the rest of the body. We found many nerves running from this cavity to various parts of the body” A nerve leading from the depths of this section to the tongue was filled with lewd statements, obnoxious comments, and senseless “music” not to mention obscenities and exaggerated lies. The larynx was extremely overused and beyond repair, but there seemed to be no connection to the heart, although it was cold and hard.

Another nerve led to the hand that, we assume, was used to play the bass or guitar and was only capable of producing six different movements. (This must have encumbered his musical abilities severely).

On the left side of the head we found a badly damaged section swirling with hallucinations and swept with fog. It seemed to be connected to the lungs and nose and was covered with a powdery white substance and an excessive amount of liquid having a distinct smell of ethyl alcohol.

We found his ears to be unreal. Unlike a mortal man his eardrums were hard as steel, probably having evolved over the course of his life due to the abuse of the unrelenting music he worshipped.

His eyes were yet another matter. They showed spotlights and impossible dreams & they were cold as ice, surely they would commit murder, if looks could kill. His left hand had an extremely upright middle finger while the others tended to curve downward toward the palm. This hand seemed to have little other function than his lewd gesture.

To our immense delight he died while performing to a group of wild animals when there was a power shortage and his electricity was cut off. The other band members are still in shock and listed in critical condition.

I found this experience to be unnerving and do not wish to see another as I am sure I saw a vision of .HELL in the body of a man.

Thank you very much.

Ami Marie

Half Moon Bay, CA

WE LIKE MAKING NEW FRIENDS!

I wanna invite you to a new group meeting that a few of my friends and I have just started. It is called P.A.U. (Perverts Anonymous Unlimited). We can show you a hole new meaning of being a pervert. I sure hope you can cum. If you do cum, bring some friends; we always welcome newcummers. Or just cum alone and impress your friends!

Our meetings are held only on weekdays at 11:30-12:00 behind the Houghton High School in Houghton, Michigan. So, cum on, join the pervs in great Upper Michigan, where we are proud to be “Uppers” and perverts, too.

Charlie James Perv

Houghton, Ml