WHY DON’T WE EAT IT ON THE RUN?

"Another new world-nothin' to do but throw rocks at tin cans and we have to bring our own cans."— Earl Holliman in Forbidden Planet

"Nothing can be as boring as the future!"-Joan Van Ark on Wonder Woman

"androgynous adj, 1. Having the characteristics or nature of both male and female; 2. Bearing both staminate and pistillate flowers the same cluster..." ☆ ☆ ☆

Seems like everybody's flappin' gums staminates and pistillates these days, don't it? Boy George—The Next Fish Popper? asks People. A Bed Bath From Hell With Annie Lennox! reports Newsweek. Shave Your Driveway In One E-Z Step! trumpets Better Homes & Gardens.

There hasn't been this much fuss about gender benders since controversial clay rights kingpin Gumby hung "it" up years ago. And while it's been a rock 'n' roll fad— on and off, intentionally or not— for centuries, such kissy-faced national exposure since The Hound That Thought He Was A Racoon was pulled from family theaters.

Before we get into the whys, the whats, and the who cares anyways, let's scope down what we're talking about here, using CREEM's time-honored invent and compare method. The actual definition of andro is pretty easy to figger. Probably your daddy's already sat you down for the big talk about the birds and the sex pistillates by now. No, no, no— not the wiggly things in your Slurpee, Junior! That was on Bud's Garage, when fat, ugly Bud used common household materials to I grow salt crystals on a sponge.

A lot of drop seat jockeys conI fuse the androgynous citizen with I homosexuals, transvestites, and I radioactive restaurant tables. Let's I get it straight, mate. Our andro I comrades may be gay, but not I necessarily so—they could easily I be straight, bisexual, or just plain I barking up the wrong hole, I anatomically speaking.

Transvestites, on the other hand, I are simply people who adopt the I dress of the opposite sex. So I think I it'd be safe to say our hero I Boy George has transvestite I tendencies, wardrobe-wise. FrankI ly, you look at some of his bizarre outfits and half expect some terrorist fashion group to call up and claim responsibility.

If you really want to get scientific, you can tackle transsexuals— well, not literally, or you'll go back to the locker room at halftime smelling like cheap cocoa butter. My dictionary defines transsexual as "a person genetically of one sex with q psychological urge to belong to the opposite sex that may be carried to the point of undergoing surgery to modify the sex organs to mimic the opposite sex." Can't you just see it? "And now," sez a tiny voice from below Annie L/s belt, "I'd like to do my impression of little Elvis standing at attention!" (Incidentally, parenthetical pals, one of our eddytors' dictionary has a little star printed next to the word. Draw your own conclusions.)

Howcum this sexual silliness is getting all the press these days, when the glam-rock crew of the early '70s (Lou Reed, Dave Bowie, New York Dolls, et. al.) were ignored by all but the most perverted voices of the rock press? I dunno, but it probably has something to do with the now-ago-go world of today, where Billy Joel's made the world safe for Frankie Valli, and anything goes, just so long as it's not on a school night.

OK, now that we've got our terms defined, and the author has successfully stalled seven whole paragraphs, I think we can agree that—on a contextual basis, at least—all these words are about as useful psychological concepts as the "crazy" quilt. Does it warm your form? Has Boss O'Dowd truly licked the fuse of immortality?

Without further ado...Boy/Girl Howdy's Consumers Guide to Androgyny in the '80s!

MICHAEL JACKSON

OK, we're talkin' numero uno role confusion, true lake effect androgyny at work here. The stories going around about Michael these days are getting a little...well, see for yourself. Last week, a teller at my bank asked me if I knew whether MJ. takes female hormones or not, like her son heard in school. Elementary school. Then the kid who doesn't mow my lawn wanted to know if it's true that his fave star is getting a sex change operation. Eat lawn, pawn! Finally, today's CREEM mail brought the most disgusting suggestion yet as to the presumed location of Michael's missing glove. No, I'm not gonna tell you, 'cause if Brooke Shields's mom ever saw it, my life wouldn't be worth a plugged non-contractual credit.

It's getting so bad, even his family is bumming. When Barbara Walters posed her inevitable "greatest misconception about Mikey" question to La Toya J., sis squirmed for a minute and then whispered: "The stories about him being gay. We don't care to discuss it, but it hurts." Well, the first time, or so I've been told.

What can it be? Those twinkle advisory eyes? The tail pomade he evidently hoses his hair down with each morning? The nose job?

Who knows? Maybe Michael Jackson's just one of those guys whose parachute didn't open when he reached pubertyl

BOY GEORGE

"Do you really want to hurt me?" is almost as tough a question as when the guy on TV asks if you'd rather trqvel the world or call the Franklin Mint. There are many people of all ages, genders, species, creeds, colors, nationalities, and cake preference who really would like to hurt him. On the other hand, there's a lot more humanoids who think that licking his eyeliner off would be just about the greatest thing since Baseball Hobby News began its startling, incisive Sub-Set of the Month series.

The man's some kinda honeybuggy, no denying that. So maybe he looks like his name should be Svetlana, big deal! The Boy's definitely stroked the nerve endings of all kindsa different folks.

"I'm not trying to fool anyone into thinking I'm heterosexual," he said around the time of his passport snafu in France. On the other fist, Daddy O'Dowd insists his Boy "has actually told me that one day, he'll retire to the fireside with his pipe and wife." Don't ever ask neither of 'em to verify your ajibi, or you're gonna suck gas.

As for the author, I think that— as with Michael Jackson—it's the plaintive, non-threatening aspect of his very androgyny that makes him likeable to so many earthlings. Moms like him. Talk show hosts like him. Little kids without the vaguest comprehension of sexuality like him.

Either that, or Divine buys lots of records.

DURAN DURAN

The Feeb Five are the current head honchettes of andro, group division. And who can argue? The evidence indicates they've put leaks in many a drainpipe, both M and F. Let's fake a closer look: hmm...as a recent letter to CREEM from a defrocked Durannie stated, "two of these guys are crotchless."

Admittedly, Nick and Simon and the boys are really cute. So was Gorgo when he was just a kitten. So was Bambi's mom before she became a deerburger. Hell, so was Richard C. Walls when he was but a squidling. But when it comes to the politics of cute, nothing will satisfy me now except a protracted, excruciatingly painful death for the inventor of Care Bears.

Thank Kee-rist their music isn't cute. No, it's downright adorable. You'd have to be Deafula to disgree.

You'd have to be Dumbula to care.

EURYTHMICS

Nothing wrong with Annie Lennox that corrective panties couldn't cure (haw haw haw). Now that she's married an alleged Hare Krishnoid, her sex role status is more in doubt than ever. I mean, have you ever heard why those characters wear robes? Next window, please)

As 1984's pre-eminent crossdresser, Annie's got what it takes.

ANDRO'S GREATEST HITS

MICK JAGGER

To slightly paraphrase my dear friend Joan Rivers, Mick could give Mile High Stadium a hickey if he was so inclined. The lippy one is credited by some as the model scarecrow at the roots of mod androgyny, by others as the primal energy source of the balloon monorail. You know, just put your lips together and...

MARC BOLAN

Main dish of the unbelievably overrated snore store that was T. Rex, Marc made many foolish comments to the press about glitter, cats, and "Greek concepts of homosexuality." It was all Greek according to some observers. His death in a gruesome car crash led to the auto's stick shift being tried for vehicular homicide.

DAVID BOWIE

The Thin White Puke is often blqmed/credited with bringing androgyny lisping and reaming into the '70s. He was definitely the first contemporary rock singer to "confess" his involvement with bisexuality. Who can forget his monumental appearance on Midnight Special clad in a skirt so tight, he had to be carried horizontally onto the stage by a bunch of psychedelic peons? Or how he steadfastly wore dresses at a time when even women wouldn't touch something so unfashionable with a 10-foot nose ring? Or his muchbeloved "All The Young Dudes"? Thanks a bunch, David. Now go bully your phone or something.

ELTON JOHN

Take the El out of Elton and you've got a braless potato. 'Fessed to undue fascination 'neath the cabana trou back when it was fashionable, then stunned everybody with his recent legit marriage. Just wait—you'll still get nailed by the homing kumquqt of bitter reality one of these days, buster!

IGGY POP

A real crow-pleaser if ever there was one, Iggy has supposedly made it with both persuasions, as well as mechanical zookeepers, front and rear loading washing machines, and certain makes of foreign cars. Followed the candid admission of his penchant for wearing leather miniskirts with still another squirtgun marriage. Well, you can forget about producing the Smiths now, Igl

NEW YORK DOLLS

More than any other group, the Dolls symbolized the sex-pong of '70s andro. Dressed in hilarious drag on their first LP cover, the fellas had many a young listener questioning the direction of his landing strip. Unfortunately, it backfired on 'em, although they were too cool to live anyway. Makes you wonder if Twisted Sister have their alarm set.

JIM MORRISON

The second most famous rock 'n' roll rumor of all time involves an alleged sex act between the Door's advocate of pain mojo and advanced scrote-toter Jimi Hendrix. Seeing as how neither party is around to deny it—what the heck—let's just say it really happened! Then they can allegedly sue us!

LITTLE RICHARD

Maybe his name practically begs the question of the superiority of nominal diminutives, but L'il cast no doubts in any other way. When CREEM tackled the first wave of androgyny back in '73, our writers described him as "The Queen Bitch...his bouffant hairdo and jewelry were—and still are— the essence of it all." Shee-it, I wish I'd started stealing this stuff way back in the intro!

ROD STEWART

The most famous rock 'n' roll rumor of all-time concerns the alleged contents of the singer's tummy when he fell sick and it hadda be pumped. Can't go into it here, but we're not talkin' tadpoles, little biologists.

BRIAN JONES

The third most famous rock 'n' roll rumor of all-time, which I am making up this very minute, has to do with the reason the ironicallyinitialed Rolling Stone sunk like a steel fez when he leaped into his swimming pool. Hint: he was weighted down by something. Or someone.

RAY DAVIES

The fourth most famous—well, let's just say it's in the top 10—rock 'n' roll rumor of all-time sez that King Kink Ray used to dress up in women's apparel and cruise London rock clubs trying to pick up sticks, in a manner of speaking. Then there's the little matter of "Lola." I ask you—why did Chrissie leave him about 10 minutes after their kid was conceived? Hee hee, wouldn't she be surprised if "it" was hereditary?

DONNIE & MARIE OSMOND

These interchangeable tooth patties were the word in andro by the end of the '70s. Marie's since gotten voluntarily connubialized, and Donnie's grown a beard. Or is it the other way around? Anyhoo, will somebody out there please help me out with the lyrics to their infamous Hawaiian Punch commercial, the one that starts out, "We're gonna go Hawaiian..."? I can't reveal on exactly what occasion we'll be singing it around here, but I promise it's nothing seedy. Massive haw.

LOU REED

No rumor here. Lou babbled his bisexual status to anyone who would listen to him back when he used to wear so much mascara that his eyes needed roll bars. And just when everybody thought he'd made • up his mind to go the backdoor route, he turned around and got married! Wish he'd just beg for sexual asylum and get it over with.

WAYNE COUNTY

Talk about putting your money where your orifice is, Wayne used to perform around New York in deeee-lightful drag for many years. He saved all his gas money and then proceeded to undergo the medical snip-snip job that expains why he's now known as Jayne County.

Her internationally famous haircut—which looks like an exercise in break barbering—is so butch that, if a man wore it, everybody'd think he was gay. Plus, she wears a man's suit much better than say, Edouard Dauphin.

Her singing voice, when it's not up there in the infant-cry-analysis range, raises a suggestibility quotient that has a lot of her fans (regardless of plumbing)...well, standing by for further instructions. And it's too bad, 'cause they're gonna end up like those "operators standing by" in late night garden utensil pitches. Can't you just picture a big roomful of bored operators, standing idly "bi"?

MOTLEY CRUE

One look at these guys and you start making plans for somebody to notify your next of kin. They're a pretty bad bunch of daughterporkers, if you believe the tales they tell. A good look at some of their pix and videos could make a body wonder. Blond halfshell singer Vince Neil spends a lot of energy staging cutie-pie poses and has all the sexual presence of moist lipstick stains on a riot shield. On purpose, too.

What I wanna know is, if they're such killer studs, howcum they beat up on drunk girls and laugh about it? Not to mention the prowesswith-wine-bottles accounts reaching these shores. Ah well, let's just put it this way: how many lumberjacks do you know who wear eye makeup?

ADAM ANT

The spindly sexperson's image is kind of junior andro, aimed at younger adolescents, an age group where it's always been hard to tell the boys from the girls anyway. Kids, being notorious for their faulty banana-to-packingcrate ratio, therefore think he's "hauntingly delicious," like Booberry.

The segmented singer's much publicized Pepsi dates with scream star Jamie Lee Curtis ("no picnic" sez she) reminds one of Montgomery Clift's touchipg-if-meatless affection toward Liz Taylor. Hey—if the people at Rumor Central were to leak stories about Ant/Jamie along the lines of the Michael Jackson/Brooke Shields let's-throw-off-the-bloodhounds theories, they might be a lot closer to the truth than they'd even wanna be.

Quite a recent stink as of late about Adam's new publicity pix, which feature him in various states—countries, even—of undress with various limbs stuck in the front of his pants. That riled up the British monger press as though they'd just found out what a Vandella really is. The Ant himself insisted it was all good, clean fun, which is kinda like pleading not guilty by reason of committing the crime, as Lou Grant once said.

PRINCE

Prince's appeal is pretty well calculated for a guy whose hobby is collecting his senses. You've got his female singers fondling each other at the keys, the weird guy with matching surgeon's masks over his face and heinie, and the big P himself, featuring deluxe adjustable spring action.

On the surface, his puckered poses and frequent lack of dotheses (rhyme scheme pat. pending) are meant to drive the ladies wild. But he's also got a gay following that could beat St. Peter's. As for the star, he ain't talkin'.

What do you feel when you look at one of his sleeve pix with the parto rancho underpants decidedly not fenced in? He makes me wanna send in for one of those instant will kits they advertise on ugly-hour television. What's that? You're thinking about chomping into some refried possum shanks? You people are really sick.

MARILYN

This twerpy ex-roomie of Boy George claims our bouncing Boy borrowed his whole image from him. I am so sure. Nobody's ever run around in guerilla maternity clothes before. Mm-hmm. If you ask me, Marilyn's nothing but a Sloppy Joe without the Sloppy.

SMITHS

Pegged as 1984's Great Why? Hope by none other than the very same CREEM mastermind who coined the scientific term "gay as fuck," the Smiths are more ambiguous than andro. Nothing ambiguous about lyrics concerning the sun "shining out of our* behinds," however. All deliveries in the rear, please.

TWISTED SISTER

I'm sorry, but the artistic vision of this band is way over my head. You've got lead man Dee Snider—who's built like a cross between an offensive lineman and a meat cooler—all gussied up in lipstick, rouge, and bleached-out curls that look like arterial snot, singing these obnoxious macho lyrics over brute male-bonding riffs. The way I hear it, Dee runs a pretty square.chute. He just likes to mess with people's preconceptions. Or just mess, whichever comes first.

THOMPSON TWINS

Some people rate this trio way up there in the androgyny sweepstakes, but I can't see it myseif. To me, they look like your plain old, garden variety musos whose hairdos were created when a twister struck the classroom of a rope handicraft class for the blind. In fact, two-thirds of the group have all but admitted to heterosexual squeezums between them. Guess they can kiss England goodbye!

SPARKS

Way, way back in the yahoo early '70s (you remember, when you bought all that institutional grey paint that spoiled?) Sparks had andro up their sleeves, if not their pantyhose, with vocalist Russ "Deadlier Than The" Mael scoring the highest lip farm produce score in recent memory. But even then, they were defeated by their own art murmurs. C'mon, stow the fleece, Bernice! There's nothing andro about their smell. w