METALVIDEO MASSACRE

METALVIDEO MASSACRE

Mommy, There’s A Moron On TV!

BILLY ALTMAN

Think of heavy metal videos and what comes to mind? Well, let's see...there's leather, of course, and dwarfs, musn't forget them, and maybe some good old fashioned Third Reich symbolism as well, and hey, can't leave out the most important visual element of any rock video—namely, Chicks In Their Underwear! Which makes your basic metal video a kind of bad bondage mini-flick wherein blondes wearing leather boots and no pants are savagely attacked by whip-wielding dwarfs decked out in full Nazi regalia, and...hey, wait a minute! Isn't that Golden Earring's "Twilight Zone"?

Anyway, like the weather, everybody talks about videos, but nobody does a thing about 'em. I mean, up until recently, videos were purely "for promotional use" only and you couldn't even buy 'em, so the only way to know if a particular video was successful or not was if its airings could be translated into actual record sales. So, outside of perhaps Tony Basil's "Mickey" and Michael Jackson's "Beat It," you couldn't really say that videos proved anything—outside of the fact that, given the opportunity, most rock video directors are in-

to Chicks In Their Underwear as much as regular feature length film directors.

Still, if you watch your MTV regularly, like I do, you do have to admit that maybe the primary reason you keep watching is that you really never know what's coming up nextoutside of Billy Idol, Def Leppard, Billy Joel, Pat Benatar and Van Halen, that is. This is because of MTV's saving grace: NO TASTE. As the patron saint of the glass teat himself, El Mono once observed after simultaneously downing a fifth of peppermint schnapps and an entire bottle of Anacin 3, no taste is always infinitely more useful than good taste and certainly more desirable than bad taste. (This is officially known as the Cher Principle.) And no taste just about insures that when you're viewing MTV, something decent is as likely to pop up next as something awful (and vice versa, of course), an unbeatable format if you ask me. In fact, our recent research has uncovered the following truth: MTV programs at least one metal video every 30 minutes (that's two an hour for all you Quiet Riot fans out there) and, since that research has stretched out over many long days and nights of continuous viewing (it was either MTV or Silver Spoons every time we checked), we now feel qualified enough to present the following: CREEM's First (and Probably Last) Metal Video Achievement Awards!

Your basic metal video is a kind of bad bondage mini-flick.

Best Male Performer: Ozzy Osbourne. He would have won it anyway by dint of his parading around the stage in the clip for "Paranoid" looking all flabby and sweaty while the mascara ran down his face and those purple tights kept slipping. Then we saw the Ozzer in fur in "Bark At The Moon." Whadda champ!

Best Female Performer: Christina Amphlett. The lead singer of Australia's Divinyls has, to paraphrase Motley Crue, lips that kill. Besides, she wears dead rodents on her person. Angus Young, call your office.

Best Male Performer, Non-Musician: David Lee Roth. No, just joshin'. The guy in the suit in Judas Priest's "Another Thing Cornin'" who gets blowed up real good at the end. We especially were impressed by the sequence where his trousers fall down in slow motion—nice shorts. Best Female Performer, Non-Musician: The chick in her underwear in Rainbow's "All Night Long"—nice shorts. (Since we're on the subject of shorts Best Short Subject: Aldo Nova.)

Best Performance In A Continuing Role Or

Series: ZZ Top. In both "Gimme All Your Lovin'" and "Sharp Dressed Man," the Tejas armadillo men portray "wizards of the road"—a neat cross between Gabby Hayes and Mr. Goodwrench, with about a ton of grime and an acre of soot dumped over them for good measure. So cool they spend their spare time helping the less fortunate to get laid. Best Performance In A Continuing Role Or Series In The Prehistoric-Man - Meets - Amazon-Woman-Object-Egg -Fertilization Category: Krokus, "Eat The Rich."

Best Performance In A Continuing Role Or Series In The PrehistoricMan - Meets - Amazon -Woman - Object -Egg-Fertilization-Nothi ng-Whatsoe ver-To-DoWit h-The-Lyrics-Of-TheSong - But - Who - Cares? Category:

Krokus, ''Eat The Rich."

Best Performance In A Continuing Role Or Series In The Prehistoric-Man - Meets Amazon-Woman-Object - Egg - Fertilization -Nothing -Whatsoever -To-Do -With-The -Lyrics -Of-The-Song-But-WhoCares -Maybe - It's -Beca use-They're - From -A-Foreign-Country - So -They - Didn't -Know -WhatWas - Happening Category:

Krokus, "Eat The Rich."

Best Non-Use Of A Band In Their Own Video: Zebra, "Open Up The Door." They only show the lead singer from the waist up (yeah, Elvis, all right—circa '77 bloato, that is), and once a minute you see the other two guys in the band just kinda standing around staring blankly. Our kinda group. Best Reference To Some-

thing From Your Past Infinitely More Interesting Than This Song: Robert Plant, "In The Mood." See Bobby. See the lemon. See Bobby hold the lemon. See Bobby squeeze.

Most rock video directors are into Chicks In Their Underwear.

Best Costume, Male:

David Lee Roth, for the who -threw-up-on-my-clothing-whilel-was-passed-out pants in "Jump."

Best Costume, Female:

Pat Benatar, for the I've-usedevery-square-inch-of-this-outfitto-blow-my-nose-in dress in "Love Is A Battlefield."

Worst Costume, Individual: Buck Dharma,

"Shooting Sharks." Just what we always wanted to see— Blue Oyster Cult's lead guitarist in his underwear.

Worst Costume, Group: Kiss, "Lick It Up." To think, after 10 years the punch line is that they shoulda left it on.

The You-Can't-Put-YourKiss-Makeup-On-AgainEven-lf-You-Wanted-To'Cause - We've - Stolen -Your-Act Award: Motley Crue, "Looks That Kill." Indeed, fellas, indeed.

The Truth In Advertising Award: .38 Special, "If I'd Been The One." With all these chicks almost-in-their-underwear running amok here, and in slow motion no less, this video most closely resembles a bad Pert commercial. Or, as they say on the farm, "Travis, you're a song too late." Best Video To Watch With The Sound Turned Off: Kansas, "Fight Fire With

Fire." Can you imagine a song so hideous that you'd actually prefer watching a guy get attacked by a dining needle to having to be subjected to the song as well? This was the video Vincent Price should have done the narration for.

Best Video To Watch With The Picture Turned Off: Anything by Ronnie James Dio. You want ugly? Ozzy, in fur, foaming at the mouth, looks better. Stay on the roof, Ronnie, please. Better yet— jump!

And lastly...

Best Video To Watch With Both The Sound And The Picture Turned Off: TIE—Triumph, Loverboy, Toronto, Rush, Saga...Heck, just about anything coming either directly or indirectly from Canada.

Let's face it, Canada has contributed only one thing of actual importance to rock V roll, and we all know what that is: the facemask.