MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

“I’M THE BOSS!”

Hey dudes! What is going on at your company? Have you checked out or what? I have discovered something 1 knew everyone should be made aware of—Boy Howdy nixed for J.J. Kramer!?

You see, I’ve been reading CREEM regularly for one year. The first issue I picked up was with Robert Plant on the cover (Oct. 82). Now, this is where I discovered the cover-up. You know where the list of the CREEM staffers is put, usually beside the beginning of your mail section? It was there that I read that Boy Howdy was listed as Chairman, right at the bottom. I thought this was rather funny, so I dug out my other issues and discovered there also that Boy was Chairman on all your lists. But wait, something’s wrong! Terribly wrong! Was it kidnapping, extortion, a Soviet spy plot?! Was Elmo jealous? Please tell us!

Now what is happening? Did Boy die? Is he on a leave of absence? I hope you get a writer on it and dig up a story for us. And hopefully, it won’t be Boy that’s unearthed.

Gregg Allan Regina, Sask., Canada (Who’s Elmo?—Ed.)

VERTICALLY INSERTED I’m sick and tired of the subliminal messages that the media have been slipping us, and your zine is no exception. On page 32 in the Dec. issue, beneath the copy on the left-hand column, the words “Bob Alford” have been vertically inserted. What do these words mean? No doubt some sort of demonic reference. Please don’t let that observation make you think I was actually reading an article on the Stray Cats, though.

DBW, ES Anchorage, AK

P.S. Does your CREEM have the “real seal”? Mine does! Wheeeeee!

ED. TO SKIP TOWN?

You are hereby notified to appear in this Court at 1:00 PM on Thursday, 2/4/82, for a hearing on a charge that you have violated the terms and conditions of your probation imposed by this Court on 9/23/81 on the following complaints. Docket Numbers and Brief Description: #32295, Larceny of M.V.; #33147 Mai. Inj. to Prop.; #33149 Poss. Burg. Tools.

This hearing will be a final hearing on the issue of whether your probation shall be revoked and additional sanctions imposed.

John J. Klough Dorcester, MS

UNDER HER THUMB Have you ever put the needle from your record player on your finger? Those things that make a fingerprint a fingerprint sure do look like record grooves. My right thumb sounds like “Once In A Lifetime,” by Talking Heads.

Merrill Rhodes (Yes, that’s my REAL name!) Vallejo, CA

SHOEHORN NECROPHILIA What the hell is the matter with black and white checked shoes and a red tie? I don’t care if they don’t match, but the point is: they do!

Big Ellen

Bowling Green, KY

STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS ONE...

People who listen to heavy metal are almost as smart as people who read CREEM.

Laurie Biliski Alyse Kimmelman New York, NY

IT’S A FISH STICK Is that a fish stick in your pocket, or do you just smell bad?

Anonymous and Lost Denver, CO

HISTORY IGNORED (AGAIN)

I have been a reader (and subscriber on and off) to your magazine for over twelve years. In the past I have disagreed with many of your quotes and articles, but this is the first time I have ever written to you. Concerning your recent comment about Kiss (Rock ’N’ Roll News/Dec. ’83), how can you insolently imply Kiss are ugly (sans make-up), and do articles on Men At Work, David Lee Roth and Rob Halford, and have the audacity to say they’re sexy? Come on...be serious! Besides, in all honesty you know Kiss aren’t ugly, so why screw around and play baby games over their unmasked faces? Is your magazine a put-down forum for Kiss or what? Give them a break!

They play great ass-kicking rock ’n’ roll and there’s plenty of space in the rock industry for them to fill. By the way, I can remember when your magazine once glorified Kiss; you even put out an entire special edition magazine on them. And what about the “Boy Howdy” approved Kiss Komix, and your writer who called himself “the world’s leading authority on the rock group Kiss?” He even answered his phone with, “Hello, Kiss Army Headquarters.” That’s right, your staff and your magazine. Your older readers haven’t forgot...

Nobody really likes to admit it, but Kiss were more than a quick gimmick—they have talent.

Mr. Paul Tyler

(A loyal reader)

Saginaw, MI

THIS ONE’S FOR THE BOY!

What’s with all the anti-Boy George letters you print? And how can you say he is not quite a man? He is definitely a man, and the most handsome one, too. Why can’t people understand Boy is the best?

Boy George’s Future Wife

Wyandotte, MI

I LOVE Boy George. Just because his appearance is different, it doesn’t mean he.is any different from you, or anyone else.

Lavender

Alabaster, AL

NRBQ DIY ASAP

Thank you very, very much for the article (Dec. ’83) on the best but vastly underrated rock band working currently—NRBQ. They are the best, without equal. It’s refreshing to see them in CREEM, except for having to drudge through a i lot of crap like Loverboy, Motorhead, and all that

other heavy metal garbage. All those groups know about is macho posing and nothing about goodtime rock ’n’ roll.

It’s true NRBQ have been together since 1969 -or so without having one big hit. But they’re hanging in there where a lot of groups would have already packed it in long ago.

Their songwriting abilities, as well as their singing and playing is incredible. Their live shows are truly fantastic. A small circle of us here can relate to Terry, Al, Joey and Tom now, the same way we did to John, Paul, George and Ringo back through most of the ’60s.

We would like nothing better than to see NRBQ on the cover of CREEM in the near future (a fullpage photo and not a little insert of them). We really think they’ve earned it—after some 14 years—doncha think it’s time?

Don Lechner Cincinnati, OH

(John, Paul, George and who? What’s that supposed to mean?—Ed.)

OZZY DOWN DRAIN?

In our homeroom there are sinks next to our table. There are four spiders living there. Their names are Sting, Stewart, Andy and Billy. We had one named Ozzy too, but I washed him down the drain.

Lost In The Kitchen,

’Niks, Curge & the Spiders Summerland, B.C., Canada

METAL STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR! Who needs to know how to count?

Leppard sucks/Priest rules Oakland, CA

LIKE BIG DEAL

Like we are the Valley Universe Sisters, Twinkie and Nothing, like we are here to say that our like totally bag face brothers are like prime candidates for Elmo.

We tried to get a picture of them, but like the camera like totally melted.

Not info family fun,

The Valley Universe Sisters Somewhere In Space

DEMANDS SICK COMMENT I sure hope you put one of your sickening comments Under my letter so that the heavy metal lovers of the world can think they got back at me in some way.

Miles Donora Montreal, Quebec

(We just KNEW Canadians loved pain!—Ed.)

IF YOU COULD HEAR WHAT HE SEES I’m a regular reader of CREEM, though it doesn’t get to Nigeria early. The last CREEMs I read were that of April and August 1983.

In the April issue, Tom Petty was saying something about his voice being weird like. I’d love to tell Tom to keep on with what he’s doing. Tom Petty is my hero. He is the best rock lead vocalist I like.

Maybe there are more, but he’s my favorite and my best friend, even if he doesn’t know I exist.

I’m just the kinda black guy who loves rock ’n’ roll stars, and I know good singers when I see them.

The same thing goes to the other rock groups and singers who are like Tom Petty—Robert Plant, John Cougar, Ozzy, Marshall Crenshaw, Culture Club, Journey and Judas Priest. Rock ’n’ roll lives on!

Stanley Okoro Lagos, Nigeria SHOCKED REALIZATION Did you ever realize how stupid the letters you print in your mag are?

Jenny & Annette Berwyn, PA (Yes.-Ed.)

THRU A FLA VO-STRAW!

Hey! (—Ed.)! 1 hope you die tomorrow. Sincerely,

A Nice Person

Ramsay, NJ

P.S. I hate you (—Ed.)!

(ALL your mamas!—Ed.)

WHY NOT?

Why should the farmer and the cowhand be friends?!

Jennifer & Dee Savannah, GA

HOME ON THE DERANGE

On my last day here in L.A., I was thinking of

my home in Quebec. Last year at this time, I was home with some friends. We decided to rent a video to watch, so we got The Life Of Paul Anka. Not because we wanted to see it, but because it was the only music video you could rent in Quebec. Honest!

Jean Levesqu

Quebec, Canada

P.S. This year we hope to see Perry Como.

P.P.S. If any of you CREEM readers would like to rent The Life Of Paul Anka, you can contact the National Film Board Of Canada, 613-946-4259.

WHAT KIND OF SLUT?

Caught your last issue and noticed more than a few snide insinuations that Martha Quinn’s not as bright as she seems. Well you guys are downright petty! How dare you let that Richard Riegel get away with such swill, such anti-feminist gluck?! SHAME on you.

And what about that exotically malicious pic of Clare Grogan on page 47? It’s got me thinking

all manner of “bad thoughts” concerning the rights of a certain better-than-half the population. You blood-thirsty weasels...

If that weren’t enough, what about Nick Tosches’s literary drool-session on Carly Simon? How could you let him get away with making that character-debasing reference to Ms. Simon as some kind of “slut”? If I were a lawyer, I’d sue you creeps to high heaven. If I were God, I’d keelhaul every one of you bastards throuqh the Lake Of Fire.

I’m not even going to mention the soulscorching pic on page 48—you know, the one with the three healthy-looking women (and one malignant little mole-geek) sitting around what passes as an automobile—in their pajamas!

ATAVISTIC, APOCRYPHAL, ANATHEMATIZERS!!

A1 T.

Boston, MA

P.S. If “Ed.” wishes to comment in print onthis, tell him he’d better start using his full name. (Quivering hand denotes fear.—Ed.)

WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE HOOTERVILLE?

About your title to a letter in your Jan. ’84 issue, “Abandoned Hooter.” HA HA HA! That, my friends, is a riot! You see, a wild ’n’ crazy DJ here calls a guy’s thingy a hooter. Do ya get it, “Abandoned Hooter”? Too much!

S.K.J.

(Dusty, Billy & Frank live here)

Conroe, TX

(But what does “thingy” mean?—Ed.)

MEANING OF LIFE PT. 71

During my life, I’ve only had two nicknames (Jughead and Moose), and both of them are names of characters from the Archies! What does it mean?

Moose (or Jughead!)

Memphis, TN (Everything’s Archie!—Ed.)

WHAT COMES AFTER FAT & UGLY

In your January issue, some guy named Larry wrote in making me vomit over how he’s in love with Duran Duran. Hey Larry, buzz off! I too, like Larry, am a gay male. I’m not “very handsome,” like Larry described himself, I’m ugly. In fact, I’m ugly, I’m fat, and I have tons of zitz. And guess what, Larry? You and your skinny little clotheshorse “nu-wave” friends can get lost. Give me a real man. I’ll take Fred Schneider any day of the week.

A Fat, Ugly, Pimply Faced Homosexual

Shaggylon, USA

P.S. I’m even fatter and uglier than Boy George.

ENGLISH AS A NINTH LANGUAGE

I have thought of a new word for the ’80s. It is “homeosexual.” Homomeans “same,” as in homosexual. Heteromeans “different,” as in heterosexual. Homeomeans “similar.” So homeosexual would be sex between people of similar genders, such as Annie Lennox and Boy George, or Joan Jett and Marilyn.

Lynette

Radcliff, KY

(Frankly, we don’t understand all this scientific talk!-Ed.)

WORLD PEACE ACHIEVED!

(SEE PAGE 992)

Q.: Where the hell is Yakima?

A.: Who the hell cares?!

Denny Lyons

Yakima, WA ¶11