BAAL

Starring David Bowie (BBC Television)

by

Cyril Blight

(In March, Bertolt Brecht's Baal, with David Bowie in the title role, was presented on British television. Soon after, the following playlet, written by one of CREEM's London correspondents, arrived in our office.—The Editors)

Scene One: An office in the BBC. London. Comfortable chairs. Tea. Producers. Associate producers. A Benny Hill video plays noiselessly in the background. Outside the window the sky is blue. FIRST PRODUCER: This Baal casting is a regular bitch. Are you sure we can't get Albert Finney? SECOND PRODUCER: Dream on, you pitiful wretch. He's doing a movie with Diane Keaton.

THIRD PRODUCER: (belches, breaks wind) It's that man's lamentable fate. What about Pieter O'Toole? The role calls for a degenerate sot.

FIRST ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: Peter's not doing television. He won't even do American commercials.

SECOND ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: He just turned down Crazy Eddie's.

FIRST PRODUCER: Who else can we get? (sips tea, vomits) How about someone from the "rock" generation?

THIRD PRODUCER: Jagger's doing a tour. Sting's busy. Ozzy Osbourne needs a vacation. SECOND PRODUCER: (guffaws. spits blood) Yes, in the Happy Home For The Bewildered!

THIRD ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: David Bowie is available.

FIRST PRODUCER: (brutally) Can he act?

THIRD PRODUCER: Didn't you see Man Who Fell To Earth and Just A Gigolo?

(All laugh.)

Scene Two: Outside a BBC studio. Morning. Wind and rain. In the background, young hazelnut bushes. Two security guards are playing cards and drinking.

FIRST SECURITY GUARD:

Wasn't that David Bowie who just drove by in a limousine?

SECOND SECURITY GUARD: (guzzles schnapps, plays with dead squirrel) How do I know? Who can see anything in this stinking weather?

FIRST SECURITY GUARD: I'm certain it was Bowie. The Man Who Sold The World. Ziggy Stardust. The Thin White Duke. I'll bet this genius has led him to take on the difficult role of Baal; drunkard, womanizer, poet.

SECOND SECURITY GUARD: (mournfully) The wind blows. You lose your hat. The rain falls. The i earth grows damp...

FIRST SECURITY GUARD: Wonder if Iggy Pop is playing Baal's friend, Ekart.

SECOND SECURITY GUARD: Mud forms. You need your galoshes...

Scene Three: A pub. Evening. Noise. Barmaids. Four woodcutters are at a table. Through the window the night sky is visible. Above the bar, a TV set is showing Baal.

FIRST WOODCUTTER: More schnapps, Brenda. My tongue is parched like dried kitty litter. SECOND WOODCUTTER:

(burries blade of ax in nearby chair) The night is dark. Stars come out... THIRD WOODCUTTER: Isn't that David Bowie on the telly? Yes, he's playing Baal!

FOURTH WOODCUTTER: The David Bowie? Who painted a lightning streak across his face and shaved his eyebrows? Later he crawled like a Doberman Pinscher for Diamond Dogs.

FIRST WOODCUTTER: I liked him better when he wore long dresses and looked like Lauren Bacall.

(All look at FIRST WOODCUTTER funny.)

THIRD WOODCUTTER: (rakes lice from scalp) What's wrong with

Bowie's voice? He sounds like that Yank sportscaster, Howard Cosell. FOURTH WOODCUTTER: As an actor, he's a good singer. Haw. Haw.

SECOND WOODCUTTER: The moon rises. Night creatures emerge from their lairs...

FIRST WOODCUTTER: I recognize the girl, Zoe Wanamaker. She is good. So is Baal's friend, Jonathan Kent. More schnapps, Brenda, you slut!

BRENDA: (fills glasses) Eat shit and die—do it now!

FOURTH WOODCUTTER: This is a very strange Baal. The whole production looks fekok-tah. The . camera hardly moves. Couldn't they afford a dolly? Very few closeups too. Not that I mind. THIRD WOODCUTTER: There's a closeup. Look at Bowie's teeth. He must be going to my periodontist. FOURTH WOODCUTTER: (extracts barmaid hair from schnapps) How about those sickening growths on his forehead? Time for Porcelana!

SECOND WOODCUTTER: At night man is alone. He cannot be seen...

FIRST WOODCUTTER: I wish this TV program could not be seen. Brenda, what else is on the telly, you cow?

BRENDA: (consults newspaper) Cricket From India and Episode 27 of Brideshead Revisited.

(Catcalls. Derisive laughter.) SECOND WOODCUTTER: (scratches himself indecently) Let's go outside into the bleak darkness, the gaining void which is man's home.

(The others agree. Taking their axes, they troop toward the pub door.)

BRENDA: Good riddance, you repulsive scum!

(Her morals and ancestry are assailed in vulgar fashion. The WOODCUTTERS exit the pub. Outside, they are run down by a double decker bus bound for Charing Cross Road.)

Scene Four: An office in the BBC London. Comfortable chairs. Gin. Producers. Associate producers. Outside the window the sky is still blue.

FIRST PRODUCER: David Bowie as Baal. Got any more bright ideas? THIRD ASSOCIATE PRODUCER:

The sky is blue. Bluer than the thumb of a nearsighted carpenter...

SECOND PRODUCER: I need a drink!

(All rush for the gin. CURTAIN.)