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Please send letters to: MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O.Box P-1064 Birmingham, MI 48012

WARUM IST KINGPIT?

A very sincere and gracious thank you to Richard Riegel for “Bob Dylan: More Of An Outlaw Than You Ever Were?” in CREEM, March 1982. Mr. Riegel seems to recognize a fact that other rock journalists have forgotten or do not realize—Bob Dylan is the greatest songwriter of our lifetime. Period. To quote another rock critic, Jann Wenner: “No one is better. No one is even close.”

Mr. Riegel’s article is the only article on Dylan in recent months that hasn’t poked fun at or put down Bob. Mr. Riegel, thank you for having respect for the man. Riegel’s article is the best one to appear.in CREEM in recent years.

I hope that you guys in the CREEM'Mail Dept, decide to print this because unlike most letters printed, mine is serious and sincere. Most of the letters you guys print are in the Hey-let’s-insult-CREEM style. Personally, I like your mag. I don’t want to insult you guys. THANKS AGAIN, RICHARD RIEGEL.

Tennessee’s Biggest Dylan Fan

Robert Reed

Kingpit, TN

P.S. If you do print this letter, please don’t put one of your stupid-ass smart alec Editor’s notes in italics after it.

(Sure. — Ed.)

VITAL OPINIONS!

I have one comment to make on your recent Reader’s Poll. Since when is R.E.O. Spedwagon (no, it’s not misspelled) a comeback? They didn’t have anywhere to come back from! They should be under Ripoff of the Year, and they should take Styx with them. God knows I get enough of both of those two screwballs than I need, or that anybody else needs. Sure, they both made millions of dollars with the profits of the records and tours, but that doesn’t mean anything. Face it you guys, Paradise Theater needed to be renovated, not totally destroyed. I’m buying their records only because I’m hoping that the vinyl stock will go up. Will somebody besides the Cars and the Police please save our wretched plight? We need it bad!

Trying to combat the cold,

Jake F.

Plainfield, IL

P.S. Thanks for putting Greg Hawkes on the Best list. I have the personal impression that he is the only Car, while the others are an illusion with fnirrors.

P.S.S. I? happen to think that the Ricker is a great reviewer, granted that I never read anything that he writes.

(Hey, you must be ope of his parents/—Ed.)

SARTRE RETURNS!

What is this anyway? In your March, 1982 issue you have an article comparing guitars to cars. Cut me a break! I pay $1.95 for this magazine and you have two pages of garbage in it. Why not compare guitars to electric mixers or toasters?

Unsincerely,

Fred

Kennet Square, PA

P.S. The Stones are the best!!!

(Ever really listen to an Osterizer?—Ed.)

ALLIGATORS HAVE FUN TOO!

Alright! Let’s set the record straight! As a concerned citizen of Jacksonville, Florida (otherwise known as “Rocksonville”), I figured your readers might be interested in an ongoing battle between the rock ’n’ rollers of Jacksonville and our new “muzak” critic, Claudia Perry. It all started when Claudia P.' blasted the Journey concert. Besides the fact that this was the first * concert to sell out, in advance...here in “Freebird” land, these guys put on one hell of a show...like em or not! Now, as far as I can tell Claudia P’s only credential as a critic is the fact that she lived in/or near Boston! That’s in Massachusetts, right? OK, if it’s a battle of the bands she wants...I'd be willing to bet Steve Tyler’s next royalty check that Dave Hlubek (of Molly Hatchet) can kick Ric Ocasek’s (of The Cars) ass anytime! So, problem solved...this ain’t Boston. Thank God... As for Claudia, I’d like to see a mudwrestling match between Claudia and all her girlfriends (including Betty Templeton, whose letter graced the mail section of your rag in the March ’82 ISSUE) and the 12,000 “kids” who enjoyed the Journey concert...maybe instead of mud we could use Gerber baby food! We’ll even invite Steve Perry down to referee the event! Better yet, disregard the previous letter... and take note!

I know this great little critic. Her name is Claudia Perry and if you would be willing to offer her a full time job, I promise never to write to your magazine again! Really, I swear! Please get her out of our hair! You can even use me as a reference! She’s really not that bad...you’d only have to change your magazine a little bit! All Kinks and U-2! Who else matters, right?

Creem-on

Deo Dorant

Jacksonville, FL

P.S. Oh by the way, that radio station in Jacksonville “with the headphones on the rock”??? It kicks ass! Believe me!!!

(Your state is a constant source of amusement. -Ed.)

WEBSTER’S BOOK OF THE DEAD!

Excerpts from Webster’s New World Dictionary, 1982 printing:

1.) MORONIC (adj.): see Nugent, Ted

2.) SCHLEMIEL (n.): see Roth, David Lee

3.) PERNICIOUS (adj.): see Osbourne, Ozzy

4.) PRURIENT (adj.): see AC/DC

5.) MIGRAINE (n.): see Priest, Judas

6.) YELLOW JOURNALISM: see CREEM

Daniel W.

New Haven, CT

P.S. Just remembered another one: EXTORTION: paying $1.95 for CREEM.

P.P.S. How about this? DEFECATE: To write for CREEM.

PiP.P.S. Or this? ARCHAIC: see Stones, Rolling. (Hey, I wrote the book, y’know?)

OH NO!

To The Readers Of CREEM re; CREEM ’81 Readers’ Poll Results.

I agree we’re all entitled to our own opinions, but how did one of the most unique and lively drummers of today get sandwiched between two drummers who’ve passed away? Haven’t you been informed that Keith Moon and John Bonham haven’t as much as picked up the sticks last year (’81, remember?)? Also, how did Led Zeppelin come in No. 8 of Top Groups category? They haven’t played in a couple of years. I don’t get it. Jimmy Page came in #3 as best guitarist, John Paul Jones came in #1 as best keyboardist and **1 as best bassist, Page/Plant were #6 as best songwriters, Robert Plant #6 as best male vocalists. How can inactive aging hippies win in so many categories? I’d give the #1 rip-off to Led Zeppelin!

Also—^8 for hero of the year went to Jim Morrison, and the Doors came in ^6 under comback of the year! Has Jim Morrison risen from the grave to reform the Doors? Where did you voters get your information from? Please let me know. Also—in fad of the year, you put punk/new wave in again! How can you still call it a fad after so many years ?!? Your minds are closed and locked. Admit it. Otherwise you’d recognize these names of great songwriters/ musicians/bands: Ian North, Pete Shelley, Adrian Belew, Miki Zone (the Fast), Johnny Thunders, Richard Hell, Walter Lure, Buzzcocks, Stranglers, Ramones, to name a few. Who are they? Listen to them and find out there’s more to music than AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. “If you’re gonna live in the past, do it with the Dolls!”

A1 Baillargeon

Providence, RI

(They’re not hiring.—Ed.)

ANGEL IN THE TANK!

You can bet the same “Pooftahs” who voted for Bruth Springsteen as “best” male singer(?) and/or best guitarist(??!) are the same ones not buying Angel City albums.

Thank you,

Tom Shaughnessy

St. Louis Park, MN

(Yawn. —Ed.)

BAD GIRL!!

Hi. I am in the second grade and I am a big Van Halen fan, too. They are on.the radio right now singing “Pretty Woman.” 1 like it a whole bunch. I like David Lee Roth. I am going to marry him when I am thirteen and all grown up. Tiger Beat has a picture of him where you can see his weanie. Can you put a picture like that in your magazine? I used to like Eddie too until he got married. I cried for three whole days.

1 drew a picture of David and Eddie for you. Can you give it to them and tell David that I love him? I am going to marry him, you know. Thank you very much.

Love,

Malores

Mansfield, OH

P.S. Do you think that Van Halen will record “Mockingbird Hill”? My friend Android from the Ursuline Correctional Institution said they would.

P.P.S. Mom helped my spell this, but 1 wrote it all myself.

P.P.P.S. You put in too much Clash. You can never see their weanies. The skinny guitar player has a funny mouth, too.

P.P.P;P.S. Van Halen is Number One!

(Woof. -Ed.)

GRAMMY GOOSE!

1 only watched the stupid Grammy awards to see Adam Ant & the Go-Go’s. What a waste. I just have one question to ask, and I really hope you’ll print this letter ’cause I know a lotta people wanna know the answer...ADAM!!! WHY’D YA DO IT??? WHY? WHY? WHY? IN THE NAME OF GOD, ANTMUSIC & THE HOLY GHOST...WHY???!!! Why the fuck would you disgrace yourself by being seen with TED NUGENT? I don’t care how much money they gave you, you never should have given in. I’m so embarrassed. I wait (& wait) to see the man I love, and he walks out with that. THAT THING that overdressed himself for the occasion and spoke very intelligently to the audience. (WHAT THE HELL COULD DEAD TED POSSIBLY KNOW ABOUT ROCK & ROLLERS???) Nugent is so low he doesn’t even exist. He’s even worse than Rick Johnson and David Lee Roth. Adam, I loved you. I’m so ashamed of you right now I think I’ll go spit on your Prince Charming album cover, (sob) How could you do this? Nugent isn’t even good enough to smell one of your farts. Oh god, I think I’m going to puke...

Eve of the east

Boogie, IA

(Your ideals are misplaced. —Ed.)

YEP!!

Your magazine has almost everything: Stupid letters from burned-out bonehead rock ’n* rollers from around the world (Well, at least the U.S. and Canada, eh?), record reviews that tell the truth (well, almost, maybe, sometimes and never), articles on the greatest rock stars (more Frank Sinatra, please) and lots of neat color pictures with those snazzy captions (Oh, they’re so clever, do you find them in rejected fortune cookies, or what?). But the thing that your marvelous mag lacks is opening quotation marks on some of your reviews, so here’s some: “, “, “, , etc

Don’t offend them all in one place.

There are more if you need them, just let me know. You can quote me on that.

Pleasant Creems,

M.J. Craynium

Toledo, OH

P.S. This is CREEM country, just skim a little off the top and not so much off the sides.

P.S.S. See, I can write stupid letters, too!

(Yes. but can you stand proofreading them? -Ed.)

IRON CITIZEN!

I just started reading your magazine and I enjoy it. But your comment on Pittsburgh in your review on Knightriders by George Romero outraged me. Pittsburgh is a great place to be. It’s a city on the move. Apparently you’ve never been to Pittsburgh.

Sincerely,

Michael Malndy

Elizabeth, PA

(16 miles south of Pittsburgh)

P.S. What’s Birmingham have that Pittsburgh doesn’t have?

(People who have “destroyed” an editorial office. —Ed.)

JERK IS BACK!

I was just sitting down here in Nolte Center Garage thumbin’ thru your latest tryin’ to figure out why you guys even bother with woosie scum like AC/DC, Van Halen, Journey, any band from anywhere south of Maryland (except the B-52’s), Rush, Saxon, etc., etc.

I want all of you to repeat “Heavy Metal is dead...Heavy metal is dead...Heavy metal is dead...” Don’t you feel better? Now you can see that those HM dinosaurs are about as up to date as Muzzleloaders, witch trials and Sonny Bono’s “Caveman” vest. You can now concentrate on rock ’n’ roll for the post-acne set: cool guys like the Jam, the Clash, Dead Kennedys, Martha & the Muffins, the Buzzcocks, etc.

One other thing, pay no mind to any of those Nazis who give you shit about Rick Johnson. He’s great. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t even know if I’d bother.

“Better Spears Through Technology”

Steve the Parking Attendant

University of Minnesota

Minneapolis, MN

(If we had your job, we wouldn’t either"—Ed)

BORING!

This letter is directed at a certain “Wrathchild” of Hempstead (are you serious) NY who wrote a letter that was printed in the March ’82 issue.

Hey Wrath:

Who are you and what is your purpose on this planet? You are obviously one of the unfortunates who are living in the past and think Heavy Metal is music from God. (You probably went to see the Rolling Stoners, too.) Think whatever you want, but quit calling New Music “new wave.” New Wave went out with the Knack, but New Music comprises most of the facets of post-punk music which includes everyone from the Clash and Black Flag to Adam and the Ants. We like to refer to it as Good Music. And, for your information, Rock ’n’ Roll is not Heavy Metal. HM went out with the 70’s. So lay off the Good Music and go soak your head in Vanish!

You may not think the Clash or XTC are Rock ’n’ Roll—that doesn’t surprise me coming from a metal moron like you—but they’re a hell of a lot more innovative than any Led Zep or Def Lep. (Their names aren’t as stupid and meaningless either.) And how would you know—you’ve probably never even heard a song by the Clash. (You probably think they sing “God Save The Queen.”)

What’s the matter, Wrath baby? Afraid to try something different? Afraid not to conform? Afraid you might like it?! Face it, man: you’re a victim of fascist radio. But if you’re smart, you’ll drop that HM bullshit and get into some vintage GenerationX. That’s Rock ’n’ Roll! So F.O.A.D.! You make me want to puke my cookies.

Sayonara,

Amy & the Kids at Dearborn’s HFCC

Dearborn, MI

P.S. You’d have to be on heavy drugs to think Ritchie Blackmore is God.

P.P.S. Billy Idol has more masculinity than any Metal tweeb. Compare him to Davy Lee—no contest! Billy kills him. (Hi Billy! from your fan in Dogbone.)

P.P.P.S. You can redeem ^ourself, Wrath, if you’ll send a bomb to Rick Johnson, through the post, of course.

P.P.P.P.S. Adam Ant’s tattoo says “PURE SEX.”

(Your letter certainly doesn’t. —Ed.)

BACK TO BACON!

WOW!!! TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!

CREEM FINALLY RECOGNIZES CANADA'S TALENTS FOR WHAT THEY ARE!!!

I neyer thought you guys would come around to devoting SIX (maybe SEVEN!) pages to a class act from above-the-border, named SCTV. (Please disregard the unnecessary comma in the last sentence: This is my first typed letter to you guys, so it’s easy for me to make a few typographical errors.) They (the SCTV troupe) are a comedy team who I enjoy in a league with Cheech and Chong (did you know that Tommy Chong is part-Canadian?) and are genuinely funny. My sides split every time I see TV sets thrown out the window, and the skits are great. No other Canadian comedy team comes close (with the possible exception of Wayne and Schuster) and SCTV deserves more attention in CREEM. But, above all, remember this: CANADA IS OUR FRIEND!

Sincerely,

DEDICATED ROCK ’N’ ROLLER

(Otherwise known as J.P.S.)

Lakewood, CA

p.s. Your magazine rules!

P.P.S. To Richard Riegel: I sent Pat Benatar a birthday card, did you?

(A demon Molson’s-and-donuts hangover caused our writer to rave on a bit, but American cheese poultices are being applied to her typewriter. Canada’s talents indeed. —Ed.)

MEMORY LAIN!

How well I remember, 12 years old and my first record, K-Tel’s 24 happening hits (“I Think We’re Alone Now,” “Western Union,” “Sonny,” etc.) Next was Paul Revere And The Raiders’ Greatest Hits. (“Hungry” still sounds great.) Then, with no previous knowledge or recommendation of these bands, I purchased Strange Days. Disraeli Gears, and Byrds’ Greatest Hits. What benevolent force steered me to these icons of taste, when I could have easily bought the Monkees or worse, enabling me later in life to dismiss such acts as Grand Funk and Black Sabbath, while my peers grooved on. Lately, though, the force has deserted me at times and I’ve found myself listening to AC/DC for weeks on end. However, thanks to the kindness of messrs. Lababedi and Sculatti_(among others), who have turned me into such gems as Romeo Void and Holly and the Italians, I seem to be getting better. Thank you.

Stephen Walsh

The vast cultural wasteland

Portland, OR

P.S. That unidentified person between Leslie and Corky on pg. 18 (Jan.) is none other than tennis wizard and eternal bridesmaid Vitas Gerulatis.

SPACEFILLED!

I, the Mad Rambler, have returned to clear up a few things about myself and my reputation. First off, I did not get my name from that Steve Martin album, so you can'go kiss that one off. Second, I am not an asshole. In fact, I, the Mad Rambler, am quite attractive (through sources), have a very high IQ (through tests), and carry no social diseases (through Trojans). I live in an attic in a constant state of curiosity and when something piques my interest (hopefully also yours) l feel it must be told. Sometimes my viewpoints are very one-sided, but, what the hell, I’m only human. If my curiosity gets piqued enough in a month, you may see two or three of these letters in* this section. (Okay, who moaned?) I am a writer who yearns (Yes! Yearns!) to tell his tales in the true-to-life style of the great Gonzo masters Art Buchwald, Jerry Clowser, and, of course, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.

Now that you’ve dried your tears for me, let’s get down to business.

This month’s letter is going to deal with the “Did Ya Knows.” For instance, did you know...

...that many sociologists are comparing President Reagan’s “Reaganomics” ‘to the blitzkrieg of Hitler, the burning of the South by General Sherman, and the slaughterings of Attila the Hun? Cute, huh?

...that if you play J. Geils’ song “Piss On The Wall” backwards, it says, “But Moe, I’m a victim of soy-cumstances! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!?”

...that if you drop a cat from 40 stories, nobody cares if it lands on all fours? Hmm, didja?

...that the Leaning Tower of Pisa started leaning not because of shoddy planning but because the original builder had one leg shorter than the other?

...that Alexander Haig really was in control except for his bodily functions?

.. .that it is a curious thing that our Secretary of Energy just happens to be named “Watt?”

...that it is another curious thing that they call those hair styles “permanents” when they'only last about three weeks?

...that you are beginning to understand why I call myself The Mad Rambler?

...that Illinois State Governor James Thompson went broke and claimed bankruptcy not because he. ran our of funds for his office but because he couldn’t pay his phone bill?

Well, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’m sure many of you will be looking forward to hearing from me, the Mad Rambler, again. So, until next time (italics, please boys), je teime le counfortunis con siteac. Whatever that means. Stood and Delivered,

The Mad Rambler.

Mt. Vernon, IL

(Plumbing is an exciting field. Look into it.-Ed.)

ROTH’S BACON BEST!

1 would like to write all the people who hate David Lee Roth. I think it’s your business if you hate David, but there are some people who think he is just the greatest!! I’ve read about five letters in the last couple of issues of CREEM and I think it’s really RUDE the way you put him down! He is a human just like you. He also has feelings just like you too!

So next time you think about writing something so rude about anyone especially David Lee Roth in a popular magazine like CREEM, think how would you feel if someone wrote that about you! Would you like it?

A David Lee Roth Fan FOREVER1 SO

Tacoma, WA (No. we would not.—Ed.)

DIG THIS I BEEN NAMED THE 1982 POSTER CHILD FOR SPONTANEOUS MUTATION