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Please send letters to: MAIL Dept , CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

ESCAPE FROM TULSA COUNTY!

Hey Billy fuckin' Altman, Bruce Springsteen didn't write The River for you smart-ass semi-big time rock critics. He wrote it to let us boring manual laborers know that we're not alone out here.

Springsteen is the man who articulates the feelings of frustration we face, the need for something better than a time clock and a lunch bucket.

Believe it or not a lot of us have talents beyond manual labor, but we can't all support ourselves as artists or be in Rock 'n' Roll bands, can we Altman? What I mean is that somebody has to build your fuckin' car, manufacture your typewriter and press the wood pulp wasted printing your dipshit record reviews.

Sawhile you look down your nose at us working class guys, remember that those of us who can't be full time artists work, and those of us who are too lazy to work and no talent end up being critics.

The River is the sound-track for our lives, as dull to you as they might be. Maybe someday someone will do an album about pompous boring rock critics and you can praise the shit out of it.

Just a steelworker

from Tulsa

Tulsa, OK

STRANGE COMPULSION!

1 must say that Billy Altman's review,of Bruce Springsteen's The River has hit an all time high in shabby journalism, shallowness, and lack of sensitivity and perception. Springsteen's "narrow-minded world view," as Altman calls it, is what millions of people are actually living, and in fact that the album tells us to be strong and not get trapped in life's circumstances, and to reach out and hold on to the people we love, was clearly missed by Altman.

Bruce Springsteen is the most passionately sincere, and therefore inspiring, artist I have heard in a tong time, and Altman's reference to Springsteen as "neutral" would be laughable if this kind of writing was not so blatantly destructive to the artist and to the readers of the article.

Whatsa matter Billy? Tired of hearingfall the good reviews on The River and wanted to write something different? Well, different it is, and it stinks!

Disgusted,

Carol Litwin

Van Nuys, CA *

(And that'sjust his laundry. —Ed.)

CALLING DR. BAXTER!

It surprises me that Billy Altman could tear himself away from Mary Tyler Moore re-runs long enough to listen to all four sides of the new Springsteen LP.

Although, in that context I'm not surprised he found the letter by CBS Pres. Lundvall "One of the most offensive things I've ever seen." With that kind of far-reaching judgement under his belt it's no wonder he seemed to have missed the point.

But Billy, like you say life is what you make it, and if you hurry home you may make it just in time for another Mary Tyler Moore re-run or maybe even the Brady Bunch, won't that be swell, gosh.

Greg Sinclair

Santa Barbara, CA

/ODETOBILLYA.

I come from down in the alley Where, Mister, when you're young They bring you up to get Altman For the awful thing he's done.

Me and Billy we met last issue When I was not quite as mean.

But after reading his review,

I proceeded to let off steam.

He'll be at the bottom of the River

And into the River he'll die

Down to the River

Poor Guy!

Now Billy he "blasted the album, And man tha was all he wrote.

And for Bruce's triumphant comeback,

He got a nasty write-up from a jealous dope.

Bruce should take him to the courthouse And let the judge put it all to rest;

No trial day smiles, no fights in the aisles,

No reason to get upset. We'll take Altman

Down to the River

And into the River he'll die

Down to the River

Stupid Guy! 1

But I remember voting Altman in the Reade Pqll

Critic of the Year, now he's an asshole.

At night in my bed, I've stayed awake And cried over my horrible little mistake!

Now the memories come back to haunt me,

They haunt me like a curse.

A dream's a nightmare when Altman's in it,

Or is it something worse? But Billy's going t

Down to the River

And at the bottom of the River he'll die.

Oh, Down to the River

Poor guy!

Watch out Mr. Altman

This means war!

G.G.

Thunder Road, USA

ALTMAN FAN MAIL!

I think that Billy Altman's review of The River was something that very desperately needed to be said. I feel like I wasted 12 dollars, buying this album, just because it was a Bruce Springsteen album (thinking it would be a superior product, not just a retread). Because we expect so much from Brucie and because he usually delivers, people take song depth for granted. "Oh Springsteen...he jams man." Poop. I would rather spend 30 dollars on a bootleg to hear a reworking of "Backstreets" than hear "Drive All Night" 6r "Stolen Car" which sound so spare that they feel half-assed. If anybody else had made The River it would be hailed as a masterpiece. But Bruce does not make any natural progression. He seems to suffer from Bob Segeritis which is too bad because he should be the top rock star today.

Although they don't have the macho American working class audience that Brute has conquered, Elvis Costello, the Clash and Graham Parker keep improving on each album so much that they will have to break-through eventually. But since Springsteen has the audience that these groups need, he should be saying more. I disagree with DiMartino's negative atttitude towards Born To Run. I'd rather listen to something hopeful rather than all of this blatant world-weariness that Brucie has,been recording lately. It's obvious the man (Springsteen) 'has been through his own share of ordeals and it's also his privilege to vent those ordeals through his music, but given a choice who wants to listen to songs about a working class man, his "little girl" and his car over and over again? I think Bruce is too self-conscious to let hirhself slide into formula songwriting. Let's hope so.

Chris Pangborn

Bloomfield Hills, MI

STUNNING BOAST!

I love Grace Jones' armpits!! I'd love to lick them!!

The Mad Pitlicker

Denver, CO

FASHION THE FLUSH!

I simply can't find the words to express exactly what I feel when I read your Bebe Buell article. Such emotion I felt when I read about Bebe losing her virginity. Now I see things in a new light. Bebe really makes people like the Clash seem irrelevant, doesn't she?

Kim Hayden

Somerset, KY _

(Nice teeth, too. —Ed.)

OFF THE BEAT!

The English Beat SUCK! Where the fuck does Ranking Randy get off calling the Pretenders' music "orthodox" when all their songs sound exactly the same? I'm sorry but I don't get off on music that makes me extremely nervous and sounds the same. I hope the Beat never comes back to America, they don't deserve to. We're the ones that ought to get paid for having to listen to them. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm getting a little sick of hearing about how advanced the British music scene is. I, for one, don't give a damn because I don't happen to live there.

The only bad thing about seeing the Pretenders on their last tourwas having to put up with the Beat first. Luckily I had my Valiums and Jack Daniels ready or I would've never made it. I had to fight for my space in front of the stage ya know. Six black chicks were going crazy to get Ranking Randy and he needs a new hairdo. Talk about making you want to puke.

Sheena Someone (but I forgot who)

Somewhere (but I forgot that too)

P.S. Oh well. Butaren'tyou glad I can type???

(Your therapist probably is. —Ed.)

CREEM DISEASE DIAGNOSED!

You know, you teally should have kept J. Kordosh quarantined. This fucking disease is now spreading. (Ask Dave Davies. Then duck.)

Among the diseased is Richard Riegel. His ignorance is so vast that it's almost impressive. He claims to be a Kinks fan, then refers to "Celluloid Heroes" as "Hollywood Boulevard"? That's like someone saying they've been into the Who for years and that their favorite song is "Teenage Wasteland. " The only thing that he does get right (accidently, to be sure) is that Ray wouldn't be upset by Such a glaring fuck-up. Sensitive he is; influenced by assholes he ain't.

But if Riegel can't understand how "Celluloid Heroes" and "You Really Got Me" can both peacefully co-exist in Ray Davies' psyche, then he obviously can't possibly understand Ray, so what the hell is he doing trying to interview him? No wonder he wasn't allowed backstage!

(Then, just in case being ignorant wasn't enough to have his name put on the hit list, he decided to start insulting Dave's singing. This ace really likes to live dangerously, doesn't he? I hope that Dave wouldn't dirty his hands by wrapping them around Riegel's slimey little neck, but believe me, Kinks fans are lining up and taking numbers for the pleasure of ridding the world of such scum.) \

And then there's Joe (Beaver Brain) Fernbacher's snotty little remark (Yes, I said 'snotty.' He seems to have the intellect of a four-year-old, so we may as well treat him like one.) in his review of Scary Monsters about Pete Townshend. Pete is a man of such integrity that he doesn't need defending, but l for one am thoroughly sick and tired of such tacky remarks. Of course, you toe-rags have no idea what integrity means. (Look it up—it will be (something to tell your kids about.)

Face it—CREEM Magazine is hazardous to your health. Its writers will make you sick.

S.C.R.E.W. * Foundation

Buffalo, NY

'Sterilize CREEM Reviewers', Editors, and

Writers

CREEM, GEOGRAPHY NOT LINKED!

Let's get this right S.F.B. (Shit For Brains). Excellent magazine, why the mistakes? CLOUT —the rock group are South African not South

American. Verstein Kapish, understand.

Reference page 56. Rock-a-Rama. Dec. 1980 issue. Wanna put a fix on that.

Avid Reader A.T.S.

Winnipeg, Manitoba,

CANADA

P.S. Print this letter.

(Proofreading and having nothing better to do are often linked. — Ed.)

PEOPLE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO!

Hi Mom!

NOB

Green Bay, WI

P.S. Purple Hi-Tops are still in unless they don't have 'em in your size and you have to get white ones.

P.P.S. The MISPRINTS cod on!

P.P.P.S. I like Pop-Tarts, Sweetarts, Popsicles, Franken-Berry, Lucky Charms, Quisps, Pepperoni Pizza and Ice Cubes for breakfast. P.P.P.P.S.Punk Rockers are better than YOU! ,

P.P.P.P.P.S. Give a Yipp! Give a Yopp!

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Biology woofs my cookies. P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Wendy O. Williams.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Bladder Problems!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Bugs Bunny is my personal idol.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. YA DER HEY!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. My real name is Dale Clodowski Dombrowski Grogowski Chezowski Tchaikovsky Mussorgsky Zdiarski Obrodovich and I like Van Halen, rototillers, and sex with things that oink before they (die. P.P.P.P.P.P.PiP.P.P.P.P.S. Did you ever notice how "Rat Scabies" rhymes with "dead babies"?

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Bass-o-matics are keen!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. spelled backwardsJs S.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P. P.!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Nothing important.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Shit on aRitz.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Mr. Brecht is a Punk Rocker.

P.P.F*P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P. P.P.P. P.S. Yes, I'm bored.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.

I guess I just haven't been the same since I broke my plastic Choo-Choo Cherry cup. P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P. S. I am Sam Sam I am. I do not like Green Eggs and Ham.

We now return you to Ed., and the modern world.

OUT OF THE BEDS, INTO THE TRANS AMS!

It is with heavy, dripping heart that I write to you at this time. Although this is the first you've heard from me (except maybe once in 1974 after that blotter the size of a newspaper), l am be no means a stranger.

For as long as I can remember, CREEM has been crawling to my door through rain, sleet, snow, and volcanic ash. And before that, I used to steal it from Safeway by stuffing it down my pants. (I guess I enjoyed CREEM in my jeans...) So, in effect, I've grown up with your magazine. Only one problem: CREEM hasn't grown up with me.

I remember sneaking it up to my bedroom and reading it late at night with ^ flashlight. It was better than Mark Eden ads. CREEM was the first "adult" magazine I got my hands on. I burned all my Ranger Ricks. I remembered how my eyes sparkled in excitement when I came across words like "sh*t" and p*ss", and how 1 idolized rock critics with dirty names like "Lester Bangs".

Then came Johnson. At first, he was brilliantly attuned to the rock world, liking the groups I liked, hating the groups I hated. Kind of like Cleveland Amory. But lately, Rick has been slipping. He's no longer cleverly sarcastic; he whines. Rather than being a pioneer of new music as he has been in the past, he's starting to turn a tad bullish and tends to slander anything he doesn't understand, i.e., David Letterman arid Talking Heads.

The whole staff appears to be growing stagnant. It puzzles me as to why Robot A. Hull put down Peter Gabriel eind XTC in the December issue, when with a name like his, he's obviously a frustrated'punk. Which is a perfect example of the building ambivalence at CREEM.

How can a publication calling itself "America's Only Rock 'n' Roll Magazine" refuse to consider punk, New Wave, and art-rock within its pages? It's ALL Rock 'n' Roll!!!

And to top the whole thing off isj:he debate (?) over Heavy Metal vs. New Wave. Each new issue paints a clearer picture of CREEM's new readers:

Red-necks who wear dirty field-tester caps, drive cars without mufflers, actually like Coors Light, and worry about being hompsexual.

Sincerely, .

Brent Biever

Spokane, WA

P.S. Sorry, I forgot: fuck.

(Thanks for obeying the rules. Now back to bed \ with that flashlight.—Ed.)

HEAVY METAL, DEEP THINKING UNRELATED!

What is ihis punk rock and new wave shit, huh? I mean, when's the last time you guys had an article on Ritchie Blackmore, UFO or Black Sabbath (Who put on an absolutely great show here in NYC)? And in case you haven't noticed yet, Ronnie James Dio is about five times as goTsd as a singer as Robert Plant. But do we ever see R.J.D. on the calendar? Noooooooooooool! You give us wimps like Bruce Springsteen and Rick Nielsen, or plastic bitches like Debbie Harry and Pat Benatar. What's next, Barry Manilow?

And (this is a personal plea to Rick Johnson) how about running a feature on some of the old heavy metal bands? Groups like Sir Lord Baltimore, Dust, Deep Purple and Boomerang are miles ahead of anything the Clash or Public Image Limited are capable of producing. But instead of giving us an interview with Ozzy (remember him?) or a retrospective on Rainbow, you give us—and this is from your Dec,/80 issue—Peter "Hermit Breath" Noone, Martha Davis and four sexual deviants, Rick Nielsen looking awfully stupid and sticking his foot in his mouth when he isn't looking, John Cougar trying to look punk, and (oh yecccch!!) the B-52's.

Now the crowning achievement of the issue had to be that peachy nifty sihot of Bruce ("Shits") Springsteen proving that his guitar is actually taller than he is! He's just so adorable! I must give you credit for the Wimp Rock article, though. Rick Johnson definately gave Paul McCartney what he deserved.

Hey, it's time to go drop some acid and groove to Sabbath, maaaaaaaaan, so I'll be a nice guy and let you off the hook. But don't ever let it happen again!!!!!!!

Give me Heavy Metal or give me death,

Louis Dambra Oust kidding)

Somewhere out arourid Alpha Centauri.

P.S. For the final word on the subject; Jimmy Page not only plays the guitar about a zillion times better than Joe Strummer, but he also dresses better!

P.P.S. He also makes more money.

(Yousaid it, wedidn't. —Ed.)

READER GRASPS FUNDAMENTALS OF EXCLAMATION POINT USE!

Listen! Everybody just shut up! I mean all you Clash fans and Zep fans! Just shut the fuck up! I don't want to hear it and I'm sure no one else does! Music is dumb and musicians and dumb so just shut up.. .you're giving me a headache!

Bill Carlton has "the right idea! (The Gunslinger). HE's watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom! Say, what the fuck is Johnny Thunders doing???

Robert L. Engberg!

Peoria, ILL

P.S.. Hootch, babies, pinball and coin!

P.S.!

P.S. In the Future you will refer to me as Eng! (WatchingScared Straight. —Ed.)

HO-HUM!

To the Punk rock magazine,

I am concerned with the downfall that your magazine is having. I am a devoted rock 'n' roller that is getting very pissed off. You say your magazine is "America's Only Rock 'n' Roll Magazine" and whoever thought of that is full of shit. I like to pick up a magazine and read about the cfreat ZEP, the Doors, Aerosmith, REO Speedwagon, Journey, and all the other kickin' ass bands,that don't act like little boys that have to go to the bathroom when they're in front of millions of people. Whenever I look at your magazine, all I see are a bunch of faggots or girls that are so butt-ugly they have to break out the plastic lover.

1 used to read Circus, but they trashed out. So, my only alternative was to read yours. CREEM used to be a bitchin' magazine, but it fucked up when punk-pussy-rock came out. Sorry for the bad language, but when I think about that shit it makes me want to throw up. Please dd some work with your magazine. Us rock 'n' rollers want to have something to read too, and we could probably read better than thosjfe jumpin' jackasses can. And we can type better too.

Sincerely,

Someone concerned

Industry, CA

(A/po is auailable at better supermarkets everywhere. —Ed.)

wr

It may be of some interest to your Canadian readers to note that counting his "book," Born To Run; "his" book, The Rolling Stone Record Guide and various record reviews in Rolling Stone and other publications, Dave Marsh has now used the phrase "rock and roll not at the edge, but past it" to describe no fewer than 694 different songs.

Your friend,

Mr. Cosh, 813430

"Flemington" NJ

MANDATORY SELF-DENIGRATION REALIZED!!

I realize that you will probably throw this letter away when you see that it's from Canada, but I had to try anyway.

After reading (yes, some of us up here can-actually read) your January 1981 issue, I had to write (yes, some of us can write, too) to point cjut a couple of things.

(a) I don't know why you hate Canadians. We like you.

(b) Who the hell is Ronnie Spector? Don't any of her shirts have buttons?

(c) Dave DiMartino is terrific. I

(d) So is Bruce Springsteen.

(e) Is J. Kordosh sane?

(f) In reference to your calendar, who are ypu trying to kid? Pat Benatar is hardly 37 and Robin Zander is not 47. What happened?

(g) When will you realize that Pat Benatar sucks ducks? Wreckless Eric would make a better CreemDreem.

(h) Who the hell is Billy Altman and why is he saying these awful things^about Bruce Springsteen?

If this letter hasn't already been set on fire, thanks for listening. You've got a fantastic magazine.

Keep it up (the good work, I mean)

Diane (glad to be Canuck-inclined) Taylor

Victoria, B.C.

CATNADA

THEY BURY 'EM THAT WAY SO THEY CAN PARK THEIR BIKES!

It is most curious to observe your constant obsessive attacks on us Canadians. Even more curious is the reaction it has had on some of my fellow readers. It seems to me that they can't take a little ribbing from you.

I used to live in Neyvfoundland and when I moved to this Island of Red Mud, where the spud has been made famous, I was the butt of cruel and senseless "Newfie" jokes. Consider this:

A Newfoundlander walked into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender asked what he would like and the frog said:

"GfetthisNewf frorri under my ass!" , ,

After 10 years of having jokes such as the above recited to me, I have become totally immune to these sorts of assaults. I can even manage a sweet smile whenever someone feels the need to tell me one.

• It bothers me to no extent your frequent putdowns on us up here. Maybe it is even about time that my fellow countrymen get a taste of their medicine. Whatever the case, as a Psychiatry major, I have deduced that you Americans are, in fact, experiencing an Inferiority Complex. You brag and go on but it is only an attempt (a weak one at that) to cover up your inadequate feelings about yourselves. Your suppressed emotion? tell me that you actually feel that we Canadians are better than you. I'm right, eh; eh!?

In closing, I would just like to say that analyzing you thru your anti-Canadian remarks is most fascinating and you can feel free to keep it up. It's much easier and more interesting than trying to decipher what you're saying in your record reviews.

' Should you ever require a staff Psychiatrist, please consider me a serious applicant for the job. Most truly yours,

Soon to be Dr. Heather Love,

PSYCHIATRIST (Island of Red Mud!

Prince Edward island CANADA

P.S. You know if you guys and the Europeans would stop demanding seal skin products, then we would stop killing baby seals.

P.P.S. BEST WISHES to you and your mag in 1981 and always'!!!

WASTE OF TIME!

Dear Naris Pickers,

My name is Mo-Ko-Ira-Me-TaShi. Or it had been yesterday. My master (grovel, scratch, shit) is the Georgia Faun, Gary Numan. The retroactive Ronette-Disco Reject. Telekon noids isolated electric charges and low-speed emanations into retro-flex spitballs. The essence is the Sterile. Undercover absurdity disquised in neutronic Reedism. I am a proto-Dog. Gary feeds me year-old cat food. We think of light as traveling in straight lines, and by and large, it does. All men are furnished with fundamental principles and codes of mechanics. Gary has a dream. Polarized Popcorn, Scary Radio (PP & SR) forever excited, cars pulling trigger-otters, walls 6f silence put the buzz on the Dabby and Gary tags along. Who is Gary Numan, anyway? Canadian Penis Paranoia? Cats-Frozen-In-theFreezer-god? Raving Lithium Pubehead? None above. Gary Nu,man is simply—MASTER. And he feeds me moldy cat food.

Izzie Huemann 5310 Dilation Aye.

At the Threshold of Hearing Waukau, WI

(Does he make appointments?—Ed.)

CANADA IS REVOLTING!

Dave DiMartino (alias Mr. Cum Head):

WE'RE GONNA GET YAH!

You've gone too far with' your insults on us Canadians. I refer to your article on the Mosport Heatwave Fest. What the fuck did we ever do to you?!

I've tried to understand your mental state, I know it must be hard to write for such a jerk-off magazine and being a Yank doesn't help. Everyone over here knows you Yanks are all a bunch of shitheads, who don't know their head from their assholes.

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Your insults are getting on our tits! (By the way, speaking of tits, ever look at the broads in Yankee land? Us Canadians girls make them look like boys in puberty.)

So unless you want to be beaten with a maple leaf then stripped naked and tied to an igloo to be eaten by the penguins I'd suggest you stop the insults. After all, you Yanks aren't so perfect either. This is your ONLY warning, there wqn't be no others so BEWARE!

Sincerely,

The Penguin Brigade

Windsor, Ontario (Hi Cathie)

(He who is eaten by penguins will later join the Mounties. —Ed.)

RECORDS BEING KEPT

1 have to admit but up until now, I didn't think you were such a hot mag (how can you blame me with "people" like Van Halen and Judas Priest on your covers??), but after I saw the November article on the Records, I've changed my mind—you are the GREATEST magazine ever! I've waited'for years to see an article on the Records (the Dec. '79 one doesn't count—that article on the Records didn't even mention the records) and finally it came!! It's about time people have begun to realize fhat they are the greatest band (besides the Boss) around now. (I also loved the review of their album Crashes in the same issue.)

TEAR DOWN THE WALLS!

Fritz | .

Springsteen Country; NJ

P.S. Who is Bebe Buell?

P.P.S. Why'don't you ever mention great bands like the Undertones, Cure, or Stiff Little Fingers??

P.P.P.S. Heavy Metal will come back from the dead the day David Lee Roth gets a crew-cut!

P.P.P.P.S. PUNK RULES!!!

(I ; Who knows?; 2: We do; 3: We bet; 4: Meet us by the bike racks after school. —Ed.) W