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MAIL

Please send letters to': MAIL Dept.. CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064 * Birmingham, Ml 48012

TYPED LETTERS GET RESULTS!

Regarding the Punk vs. Heavy Metal Debate, I have this to say: All of the following artists are represented in my music collection:

AC/DC, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, the Who, the Clash, Elvis Costello, the Cramps, Devo, the Ramones, the Sex Pistols.

That should sum up where I stand.

There are two. other aspects of "the Great Debate I would like to comment on.

1. Gayness. No doubt (he proportion of gay/ bi/straight people in Heavy Metal is the same as it is in Punk is the same as it is in the general population, and what bloody difference does it make anyway? There seems to be a notion that if a musician is gay, his music must be wimpy or weak. Anyone who still clings to the antiquated ncition that all gays are limp-wristed fairies should stop by any leather bar in San Francisco sometime. Some of these guys could rip you to shreds, and probably will.

2. Attitudes toward women. I am about as feminist as you can get, but I buy an album because I like the music, not because I want to marry and/or settle down with the boys in the band. AC/DC is one of my absolute favorite bands, but I will be the first to admit that their attitude towards women stinks, and I’m not sure I would want to be left alone in the same room with Angus and Malcolm Young. On the other hand, I am not so thrilled with the Clash’s attitude toward women either. I mean, where the hell does Joe Strummer get off pronouncing on what type of birth control women should use? The only rock ’n’ roller around whose attitude I really like is Tom Petty, who seems to have discovered the amazing fact that women are people, not members of an alien species, -with basically the same hopes, fears, and desires as anyone else.

Anyway, as some jerk said, it’s still rock ’n’ roll to me.

Rock ’til you die,

Kodi

San Jose, CA

P.S. This is the only letter you will get from me on this subject.

P.P.S. This is also the only letter you will get from me that’s typed.

(This is-also the only letter from you that will ever get printed. Thanks for the 50 dollars.—Ed.)

CHIPMUNK FANS SURFACE!

HELP! I am a mole (small furry, burrowing animal, with mifiute eyes), typing with a zemni (large blind mole rat, usually on valium).

Other than that, yve don't like fried foods.

Regardlessly, ..

Mole and Zemni

Any nook, and/or cranny oh a Thomas’

Scone

Left Nostril, Lincoln

Mount Rushmore

NEW JERSEYHUMOR AS BAD AS ARK!

Question: What do you get when you mix the Clash, the Cars and the Police????

Answer: An ACCIDENT!!!! ,

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (Gettin’ pretty monotonous, ain’t it?) Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pork Chops & Weenies, or regards; >

THE KNOWN The Trenton Sewers,

Corner of Princeton & Old Aves.

Trenton, N.J.

P.S. Don’t look at me, I just type the stuff.

BEBE WOOF WOOF?

Will someone please fill Bebe’s water dish?! The poor mongrel looks thirsty (Or did her tongue get caught in her curling iron??)

Love always',

Steve’s girlfriend Anywhere, U.S.A.

P.S. Have you guys heard Fer De Lance?

(So howza about you guys at Arista sign her—then she can buy Kal-Kan instead of Yet? Now be nice or we’ll make you listen to “Pretty Girls”one more time... —Ed.)

HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL?

I am 33 years old, mature, responsible and wear a tie to work. I therefore find it quite embarrassing to have to buy your magazine when you feature worms like Rob Halford on the cover. Please, just for once, design a cover with an adult on it so I pan look the salesclerk in the eye.

Thankx,

Jack Rapp

Boring, MD

BORED READER WRITES!

Valium incognitos,

Infiltration bingo,

Canine beachballs.

Thank you,

Ami Pate,

Pacific Northwest

P.S. What were you expecting for 15/???? Something literate????

P.P.S. Can I have a date with Rick Johnson? (If you like wearing brown paper bags. —Ed.)

M-50 SELLS OUT!!

That the basic motive for my being involved in the localDetroit “hew wave” scene was to engage in intimate relations with the opposite sex, I was receptive to any invitation to appear upon the stage of Bookie’s Club 870. I figured that the more public exposure I received would statistically increase my chances to engage in previously mentioned intimate activities.

With this stated, I approved of an invitation to appear with the Boners, a Detroit-based band. But instead of offers to engage in relations, I now find myself dodging bullets.

What I want to know is, am I marked for deqth by a Ms. magazine—Metro magazine—

N.A.A.C.P.—Jewish Defense League Hit Squad, or am I being mistaken for Mark Norton?

Signed,

Heck with this music business, I meet my women at A&P now,

Mark Sullivan

Detroit, MI

P.S. (M-50 never got laid, either)

. P.P.S. Jerry Vile has a propensity to send those around him to an early grave.

P.PJP.S. Mr. DiMartino, who was that I saw you with at the Alley-Ey in East Lansing about 1977 Winter Term (M.S.U.?) Was it Clifton Wharton? You can tell the story now, The State News will never know.

{Dave: “No. It was Mark Norton.”)

MORE FAN MAIL!

Tm writing in response to your October 1980 issue. I don’t know what the hell you are trying to do, but you put down every heavy metal band there is! And there is always some new wave, punk shit in your -magazine. One thing I can say is, you better believe I am going to spread the word around here not to buy your suck-shit magazine!

Steven Tyler Tampa, FL

(Fine with us. Just buy CREEM instead.—Ed.)

THETRUHTHRUTS!

I don’t know how to tell you this, but you need new typists. I mean, there wete more typographical errors in the October issue than I could count. I realize that most people that read your magazine are so stoned, they don’t even notice these things, but Ido. What are you going to do about this? Huh?

Please Fix It,

Terri

Los Angeles, CA

(This is not our typists’fault. This is not our proofreaders’fault. This is your fault and you would do well to never bring these things up again. Thank you. —Ed.)

JOHNSON PAYING LETTER-WRITERS!

I’d really like to commend Rick Johnson on his excellent evaluation of the “new wave” of Heavy Metal bands. As in his previous article on H.M., he gave the mindless metal-heads just what they deserved and praised the few really good H.M. bands around. I’m still listening to my old albums ( by the MC5 and Deep Purple anyway.

A Fan Of Real H.M.

Stephen Hy )

Arlington, VA

P.S. I really hope you print this since you’ll probably print at least three letters saying, “Hey man, why are you cuttin’ down all the good groups, man.”

(Hey, we pride ourselves on our readers never repeating themselves. —Ed.)

PASS THE COPPERTONE!

I’m really fed up now. You cretins who domesticate the midwest have gone too far. Why is it that you portray everyone from California as a tanned airhead? We can be as hip as you guys. We even play Iggy Pop records sometimes at our pool parties. I take your unmitigated slagging personally when you use Hollywood as a piicrocosm of the entire state. I only go to the strip for the X-rated movies, and then I go straight home. My friends and I do not go there to “party” & drive around in our Mercedes (we stay in the valley to do that).

Do you wish to know what we think of you? We think that you all are just dirt farmers without land and besides, our women are better looking. So take this letter as a warning. You better talk good about us or we’ll boycott Bob Seger the next time he comes to town (personally I think he’s an overweight hippy, anyway).

Bye,

Boris Z.

Encino, CA

(home of the original M&J shoe store)

P.S. And another thing, Bryan Ferry stays here when he’s in the states. What rational person would want to vacation in Michigan?

(An intelligent Canadian?—Ed.)

ITS NOT POLITE TO POINT!

I’m not surprised that the last three issues of CREEM have had virtually no redeeming features. When Rock ’n’ Roll is gasping, how could America’s Only Rock ’n’ Roll Magazine be anything but catatonic? It’s not Robot Hull or Rick Johnson’s fault. One glance at the letters column „ suffices to place the blame. J’ACCUSE:

a) Nouvelle Vogue Punko-Hippies who don’t understand that England is an inferior version of Akron." Cultural dependencies are irrelevant to the Rock ’n’ Roll scheme of things.

b) Better than the trendy slime above because; they eat burgers and drive cars as they were meant to be driven: Heavy Metal Pinheads. These drug-sodden dildoes' spend their spare time (i.e. time left over from driving, eating or intoxicating) debating the un-American scum from column a) about the respective merits of Jimmy Page and Joe Strummer. Big Deal! One is a pretentious old fart who couldn’t set up a swinging beat to save his life and the other is a two-bit sloganeer masquerading as the light to guide contemporary alienated youth. They’re both two limey hippies who, BY DEFINITION, couldn’t hold a candle to the Ig.

Where is Handsome Dick now that we need him?!

The Mad Daddy

Maximum Leader, Surfing Birds

Moped Club,

Papaoommaurpau, U.S.A.

'' P.S. When doe's Ivy Rohrschach get to be the CREEM Nitemare?

(Ask Grace Jones. —Ed.)

SIGMUND WAS A PUNK ROCKER

Hey you schizophrenics who write for CREEM, I’m sick of you guys ignoring psychiatrists. Don’t you know that a lot of us read this magazine. I, personally, read it for my favorite section of any magazine—the letter sectiorv I especially enjoy reading the CREEM letter section because I like to screen future patients. I noticed you rarely do articles about my favorite groups: the Talking Heads (“Psycho Killer” is a great song), Jim Morrison and the DOORS (Morrison would have been the ideal patient), the Ramones (“Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment” cracks me up), the BEATLES, the CLASH, and the Jam. These are the best bands, and I should know because I’m smarter than the average rock fan and 1 have the diplomas to prove it.

Those necrophiliacs (heavy metal fans) whose minds are altered by a wide assortment of Marijuana, Paraquat, cocaine, horse tranquilizers et al. are keeping me in business. I don’t know of anybody who can make sense of heavy metal’s -lyrics, e.g., “snortin’ whiskey, drinkin’ cocaine, got a feeling gonna drive that girl insane”—Pat Travers/“you gotta pretend your face is a maserati”—Ted Nugent (he really is terrible— especially as a “lyricist”).

How could anyone beyond third grade like groups like Van Halen (psychotics because of a disturbed childhood), Triumph, Black Sabbath, and the rest of the blowed-out no-minds. Heavy

metal musicians (defined loosely) are nothing but egomaniacal guitarists who (to modern application of psycho-Freudian theories) seek sexual satisfaction from inept guitar solos.

It took me an hour to write this letter (that’s $63.00), so to make up for the lost money, send money to:

SAVE AMERICA’S YOUTH/Dept. X, P.O. Box 2112/Paris, Illinois.

Sincerely,

Dr. Robert Clift, Ph.D.

Chicago, IL -

(Please contact our publisher immediately. —Ed.)

GOOD TEETH ARE TIMELESS

We at the Joe Strummer Appreciation Society would like to respond to the recent rash of anti-Strummer sentimept in your magazine. Not only is Joe attacked in the letters section, but you yourselves attack his physical attributes in your pages. We would like you to k&fep these things in mind:

1) Until recent years, one Mr Keith Richards also had a very umm, interesting set of teeth, but you never picked on him about it.

2) Let’s see how great your ears are under all That long hair of yours.

3) We feel Joe and the Clash are THE groups of the eighties and are intelligent, sensitive, and GOOD LOOKING.

4) Dave DiMartino, you are on our hit list.

We hope you will cease your constant chopping on Joe and spend more time writing about new music. Which means more than the barrage of heavy metal, cock rock, and other shit the American record company distributors subject everyone to. Write about groups that have something to say besides how much they like to fuck, e.g. Gang of Four, Wire, Jam, etc. It’s been said before. Now it’s time to get on it, jacko!

Joe Strummer is the King of the Universe.

Sincerely,

(We mean it, maaaan)

The Joe Strummer Appreciation Society

Westchester, NY

(You’re right about chopping on Joe. After all—what could be worse than being Joe’s choppers?—Ed.)

REMEMBER I WAS PAPER!

Please have more chrome-colored covers in the future! I like them because that’s the exact' shade my eyes" are.

Hup hup!

MX-80 Hound

Coos Bay, OR

P.S. I take drugs, do you understand?

P.P.S. I know someone who works at a K-Mart. Now do you understand?

JUDAS NUREYEV, COME HOME!

Hey, thanx for the laffs. Let’s face it—Rob Halford qf Judas Priest would look tougher in a tutu.

Do you have any shots of him in the same outfit, but bending over? Or are they locked in the closet?

Quite sincerely,

Barracuda

Minneapolis, MN

AND THE CRADLE WOOL SOCK!

Dear Lady In Waiting In-Chicago,

If you think David Lee Roth and his stuffed jock are hot, go to your nearest record store and look at the cover of the Ramones’ Rocket To Russia. Look closely at the picture of Dee Dee Ramone. What’s in Dee Dee’s jeans is au naturel. And you better believe it’s hot!

So dahlink, don’t be disappointed if you find our that all David Lee Roth has is two pairs of blue socks.

Remember, 1 warned you,

Queen Victoria

Berkeley, CA

CLASH VS. MELTORME!

I can’t believe your September issue. Bob Seger?!? Boy, next thing you know, Mel fucking Torm'e will be on the cover. And as if it isn’t bad enough that he’s on the cover—10 pictures inside!?! Who^the hell wants to look at some hairy, fat hippie? Tell that geek facial hair is out! What’s his problem? Trying to hide his acne pits? Take a tip from Tom Petersson, Bob—his acne pits have made him into an international sex symbol. if

And speaking of pits, La Rave-Up Kinks deserve better than that grump J. Kordosh. Maybe an enema would cheer him up. (They say constipation makes one crabby). He should have asked Dave K-Martino for advice on this. Judging from his taste in music he should be an expert on bowel movements.

Your Hall & Oates article was really disappointing—so brief! But I guess since they aren’t wheezing old farts like Southside Johnny, Lou Reed, and the aforementioned B.S., they can’t have more than a page or two.

I just hope your rag shapes up before the Fast hits the top ot the pops. (You better hustle, it’ll be sooner than you think). I’d hate to see them sharing space with those Lawrence Welk types you love so much.

Some Like It Hot!

Sexless Jane

Brooklyn, NY

P.S. Before you make any snot nose comments—I know La Kinks have been around for awhile, but they’re not wheezing old farts because they still use their minds when they make records. Capisce?

(Right. Just ask J. “Bruiser” Kordosh. —Ed.)

MANDATORY DONUT RITUAL!

' Vacation time again? This summer consider Canada.

Nestled just north of the United States, Canada is the perfect recreation spot for American families on the go. The population is twenty million, and there’s almost 16,000 square miles for each person!

Canada has the highest incest rate per capita of all hockey-playing countries. Try Moosehead beer. Repeated tests have proven that 67% of Canadians do not nave bad breath as a-result of smoking Export A cigarettes.

Canadians are well known for their bountiful humor and excellent whistling abilities. When asked about Canada’s reputation as a center of entertainment, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau said, “Well, oh ya...Eh?”

Canadian men were designed by nature to blend in well with fir trees, and Canadian women are the world’s foremost consumers of yeast. Canada’s national bird is the starling. More crossword puzzles are published in Canada than Belgium and Luxembourg together!

When confronted by an angry Canadian, the surest way to escape unharmed is to quickly astound him with ink blots, or to offer him a buffet meal including fish bats.

One of Canada’s major tourist attractions is the annual baby harp seal slaughter. The only sporting event that can match the slaughter for excitement is the Ontario curling championship.

Enjoy your trip to Canada, and be sure to bring along plenty of Kodak film to capture the sights so that in the years to come you’ll be able to relive your northern adventure again and again.

Try Moosehead beer.

Otis Criblecoblis

Flint, MI

(Flint sounds like a lovely place indeed.—Ed.)

IN NOMINI PATRI!

I feel an apology is in order. I have just finished the letters section of the August ’80 version of your magazine, and I am shocked. We heard the ramblings—on a group of, well, to use their words, “CATHOLICS FROM PLANET CARAVAN.” We heard them sing praise to Led Zep,

Rush, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith, and, lest we forget the female version of Zeppelin, Heart. We heard them verbally tear apart the Clash. We heard them ask if you; or perhaps even we, picked our asses. We also heard that they are indeed, Catholics. This is the very point I would like to clear up.

I am asking all Rock ’n’ Rollers every where not to judge all us of us true, heterosexual American Catholics on the basis of these drug-induced verbosities. The overwhelming majority of us mackerel snappers are rock ’n’ rollers of the truest sense. The Ramones, the Clash, the Jam, Joe Jackson, Elvis Costello, the Beatles, Brinsley Schwarz, and the Jesus of Cool himself, Nick Lowe, these are singers of our hymns, not the groups mentioned in the first paragraph, who collectively can only be described as a group of dwarf-cocked bed-wetters with homosexual tendencies. (Heart, of course being exempt from the first adjective.)

One more note for you trivia buffs: the national past-time on PLANET CARAVAN is butt-fucking passed-out winos.

Yours in Rock ’n’ Roll

William Edward Martinak II

and the survivors of the parish Rock Riot,

Five Points, PA

(And the Sixth Point is on your head, huh?—Ed.)

CALENDAR PROOFREADING FUN!! DEARKREEM,

HOW THE FUCK COULD GROUCHO MARX HAVE BEEN BORN IN 1977 WHEN THE OLD GEEZER MADE (SO-CALLED)

MOVIES BACK IN TH£ 1930’S???

MAN, ARE YOU GUYS -A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!!

SINCERELY,

THE LIZARD KING /

LODI.NJ

P.S. MAY YOU BE DOOMED TO LISTEN TO ALL OF KISS’S RECORDS AT 10 ON THE VOLUME METER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!!!!!! , ^ i

P.P.S. JIM MORRISON IS GOD!!!!!

(Wasn’t he bom in 1971?—Ed.)

LETTER INSULTS INTELLIGENCE!

Letters of CREEM:

Is Stanislaw again! Know CREEM ed await Stanislaw’s surely genuine Lithuanian wisdom on rock music and girls you bet!

Am writing to tell of new wave craze in Lithuania just for you. Big punk hits by loveable Americans Billy Joel and Linda Ronstadt. Me, Stanislaw, love the new wave cocktail music and new wave L.A. country rock of Joel and Ronstadt. Is still rock ’n’ roll to me, Stanislaw, you bet!

Bad trouble. Stanislaw will enter army of C.C.C.P. to Afghanistan fight? No, hepcats! Am tricky bastard you bet. Doctor of draft board say to Stanislaw to trousers drop for famous inspection of short arm—1, Stanislaw, tell of wish to assault anally all Polish hockey players, with same. No more tickets of Eiton John you bet! Am now in famous Siberian CONSCI-CAMP with all homos many of Lithuania and nightly comhole (is -San Francisco treat!). Say Stanislaw, nyet, nyet! Say homos, FACE NORTH JACK! Am cold in Siberia is no K.Y. jelly you bet. Stanislaw miss American magazines of CREEM and GQ. No more milk and honey, no more Portnoy’s Complaint. Am sad Stanislaw you bet!s

TURN TO PAGE 64

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

Your comrade,

Stanislaw Czyghwycxz

Siberia

WORDS OF WISDOM!!

You really fucked up good this time. You put a picture of Mick Jagger with his hands down his pants, which is.stupid because, unlike you, he is not gay. You made the greatest singer of all time look like a damn fag!

If you’re that desperate for a story on fags write one on your burnt out reporters!

So fuck anyone who calls the world’s greatest band gay! *

Marc Lessen

Sherman Oaks, CA

P.S. Anyone who writes about a crotch enlarger, like you did about Mick Jagger, uses one himself!

(Thanks for writing about crotch enlargers. —Ed.)

CHANCE TO USE CANADIAN SLANG!!

We’d just like to tell you that our new group is on the way. We just got our first guitars. Ransom,

Linwood, NJ

(“Darb” letter, eh, Canuck friends?—Ed.)