Our Motto: Americathon Now!

AMERICATHON

Directed by Neil Israel

(United Artists)

by Jeffrey "Speed" Morgan

"Democracy gives to every man the right to be his own oppressor."

—James Russell Lowell

Civilized and sodomized? Maybe. But down and out? NEVER! It's 1998, OK? And, even at the end of the gallows pole, America hangs tough in the face of insurmountable odds. And what odds! Unless the United States comes up With some 400 billion in hard cash within 30 days, the country falls into the hands of the catatonic Chief Dan George—who plans to ship the entire population of America off to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan (Where? Exactly) to work in moccasin factories.

President-elect John Ritter decides to solve the probletn (or so he thinks) by pulling a Jerry Lewis and holding a 30-day, non-stop telethon for America—an Americathon—to raise the big bux. Meanwhile, one of the President's men—Fred Willard—is actually a double agent for the Arabs who assists in the hiring of drag queen extraordinaire Harvey Korman to host the Thon literally banking on the fact that Korman won't last a month.

What Willard doesn't know, however, is that Korman is the Hunter Thompson of television: a man who specializes in quality control activities related to personal drug consumption. Fun? Wow! Nextto Korman, Frances Farmer was a nun.

Meanwhile, President Ritter falls headover-heels for Viet Cong punk rocker Zane Busby—a gyroscopic slice of nux vomica who combines equal parts of Amanda Lear and Marlon Brando in one fun-filled package of verve 'n' swerve.

Back at the Americathon, Korman is mainlining Gatorade in search of the perfect high while Meat Loaf stalks and kills one of Jimmy Page's limousines—and then eats it, raw.

Then this giant 30-foot squid comes—but don't take my word for it. Here's what some members of the audience had to say about Americathon after the show:

"Great. Just great. I really missed seeing John Carradine as Uncle Sam, standing in the dole queue, though."

—William Wilson, writer.

"Elvis Costello? Was he in it? Oh, I must've been out buying popcorn when he was on. How was he?"

—Goldie Walker, clerk.

"OK 1 guess. No violence or skin. Too bad that chick didn't take off her clothes, eh? Say, are you a writer or something?"

—Stan Johnson, trucker.

"1 didn't get it. Why was everyone living in their cars?"

—Julie Thomas, secretary.

"You doing anything after the show?"

—Elaine Lawrence, hooker.

Come to think of it, don't take their word for it either.

Once Again, Brando Dies

APOCALYPSE NOW

(United Artists)

Produced and directed by Francis Ford Coppola

Screenplay by John Milius and Coppola; narration by Michael Herr; photography by Vittorio Storaro; production design by Dean Tavoularis; music by Carmine Coppola and Francis Ford Coppola. The cast includes Martin Sheen, Marlon ("Meatloaf") Brando, Robert Duvall, Frederic Forrest, Albert Hall, Sam Bottoms, Larry Fishburne and Dennis Hopper.

Forgetthat Apocalypse Now has been over four years in the making, the most expensive celluloid thrill ever produced. Forget that Francis Ford Coppola has risked every cent he earned from the commercial and artistic triumphs that are The Godfather and The Godfather II, not to mention his own home in San Francisco, an office building, a vineyard, a theatre, an editing studio, and a radio station. Forget storms, tropical diseases, and some sort of inability to edit ., the final cut of this epic until minutes before the North American premiere, and that his wife appeared on the Tom Snyder Showonly to be goofier than Smilin' Tom himself. All these facts shrink to minute proportions when you realize that Francis Ford Coppola had the considerable task of directing that egotistical glob of cellulite, Marlon (Blubber Belly) Brando, who only appears in the last quarter of the film. (What's so hard about directing Brando? How would you like to direct a self-centered bloated out sun-andsalt-bleached grapefruit who always has butter on his hands? Huh?)

Apocalypse Now was derived from Joseph Conrad's book, Heart of Darkness, set to the Johnson years'Vietnam war. Marlon (Nine Chins) Brando portrays Colonel Kurtz, a Green Beret renegade who, by his own demented and ruthless means, has taken tire war and twisted it to fit his own standards and rules, which are carried out by his own private army, to whom he has become a god.

The CIA, discovering this, sends Captain Willard (Martin Sheen) to "terminate his command with extreme prejudice"—official babble for "waste the mutha.";

Apocalypse Now is the dark journey into America's Vietnam Horror—the truth of wretched evilness. In beautifully grotesque scenes along Willard's upriver voyage to Colonel Kurtz's (Buffalo Butt Brando) homicidal Shangri-La, the boat stops so they can crawl around the jungle looking for mangoes (believe me). A tiger jumps out (while the audience jumps out of their skins) and scares the shit out of Willard. At another friendly stop, the crew of the boat,decimates Vietnamese on a sampan. One of the best scenes, however, from this author's viewpoint, is w;hen some Playboy Bunnies, flown overfrom the States to entertain the troops, do this GUN-HUMPING DANCE with rifles while the GI's nearly destroy the place. Sounds like fun.

Creditfor these elaborate and technically beautiful sequences must go to the cinematographer, Vittorio Storaro. The senseless violence, the complete insanity of Willard's journey to the "heart of darkness" is a collage that will simply take your breath away. The film is dark, gloomy—but the effect is astounding.

In another sequence, Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore (acted brilliantly by Robert Duvall) leads a helicopter assault on a strategic Viet Cong position on a beach so he can watch Lance, a surfing champion, take on the waves. Make sense? Throughout this great scene, Kilgore carries on a debate about surfing, with Wagner blaring from the speakers of the helicopter, shells flying as well as bullets and other military crap. At this point, Kilgore practically sings his ode to napalm: "It smells like.. .victory."

Great madness, to be sure. But in the famous final scene (oh Bob!), Willard is brought face to face with the image of madness itself, Colonel Kurtz. Kurtz can maim, dismember, kill and probably watch Dawn of the Dead at the breakfast table without feeling any emotion.

"Judgement," spoke Kurtz, "defeats us."

AND THEN SUDDENLY, BRANDO DIES.

So it goes. APOCALYPSE NOW IS THE BEST FILM OF THIS DECADE. I'm convinced. Francis Ford Coppola took an enormous chance with this one and he succeeded. I have mixed feelings about its commercial potential, but this one thing's for sure—there will never have to be anotherfilm on Vietnam.

There are two versions of Apocalypse Now available to see. If you patronize a theatre that is equipped with 70mm and Dolby sound, there will be no titles in the movie. Instead, a "program" with the most extensive credits ever imagined will be available. Seen in a theatre with 35mm equipment, the titles and credits wiD be superimposed on massive scenes of exploding napalm. Takeyour pick. I prefer the70mm version because the picture is immense, the sound is six-channel Dolby, and I like to take things home from the theatre other than Juicy-Fruitgum on the soles of my shoes. EPILOGUE: I heard Coppola's next movie will be a travelogue entitiedThePhilippines On One Million Dollars A Day Or Less.

Mark John Norton