MAIL

MAIL

Please send letters to:

MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.0. Bo* P-1064 Birmingham, Ml 48012

HOW MUCH WOOD...

Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood. I love you. Call me-

Laura Trammell

Columbia, SC (Ronnie Woodn't.—Ed.)

THE PERSONAL TOUCH THAT WENT TOO FAR

I want to thank Billy Altman for that really great article about David Johansen. I've been a fan of The Dolls (especially David) since I was 13 and it's good to see him back on the scene. One thing I really liked about the article was that personal touch, describing the evening and all, neat!! I'll conclude with, I hope everyone at CREEM keeps up the good work, and I wish David all the luck in the world.

Sincerely Yours,

Amille Starr

Jamestown, N.Y.

(Since that romantic little tryst-on-the-town of which you speak, Billy and David have leased a comfortable condominium in Queens, and are considering the lyrics for their nuptials, due out on an E.P. in sweet September. Ah, Love.—Ed.)

FUTILE GESTURE

What's wt;ong with you guys? The interview with David Bowie was a fine piece of writing. It was better than the trash you usually print in yor evil publication. Keep up the good work and no one will read your magazine anymore. I know 2*4 guys who have already burned your back issues in Protest!

Allan Scherr

Owings Mills, MD

(Joke's on you...the half guy now works for us, putting back issues under the legs of our office desks. Hey, it's a living.—Ed.)

CREEM EXPOSED!

Which of you psychiatric ward escapees writes the captions (descriptive matter for use with illustrations) for your photos huh? The majority of theijn are genuinely funny! (Come to think of it the writer probably doesn't belong to your staff...)

But, I mean really—those catchy little words of wisdom that graced the Rolling (have they discovered the secret of longevity?) Stones U.S. tour photos were just beautiful!

Now come on guys! Who done 'em huh?

Under Observation Myself...

Deb Walsh

Sloatsburg, NY

P.S. Sloatsburg: (noun)—8th wonder of the world; only hole located above ground...

(We don't write captions. What you read are actually excerpts from obscure novellas, literary capsules, epigrams and recipes that we have purloined from genuine writers who we are envious of, thereby desecrating their elitist "art."—Ed.)

TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE ,

I read your magazine and am interested in finding out if you can tell me, how to go about joining the Barry Manilow fan club in New York. I just saw him in concert at Forest Hills and the show was dynamite. I'm a big fan of his and would like to keep up with his tours and life. So, if you could please send me information on how to get in touch with his fan club, I'd be very grateful. Also, the Paul McCartney interview was really very good and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Maddy Oko Rego Park, NY

(The concert right after Forest Hills was in fact dynamited, and nothing remains of Barry but a little rhinestone fallout and some spare key changes.—Ed.)

AEOLIAN ORGAN RECITALS Just when I figured what "MOR" is, Christ gau comes out with "AOR",

P.S. Who do you think is gonna buy a CREEM poster that lists Kiss above Zep, the Stones, the "Mac", the "Framp" and even (ugh) Elvis. Power Pop indeed,

Gary Barnes Rocky Mt.NC

C'AOR"= Always On Radio. P.S. Maybe Gene's sainted Hungarian mama?—Ed.)

ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE It's a black day for the human race! The National Guard has been called in; but there appears to be no stopping the savage horde of stage shows that are, even now, laying waste to Gonzo's Mill!

Through a dense cloud of dry ice, I can see a couple of the stages marching across the now barren landscape on their hydraulic platforms.

A division of soldiers has moved in on them, what bravery! Holy Shoot! What appears to be a giant flashpod, hurled by one of the stages has erupted in the midst of the human forces, scattering the survivors of the devastation about the field! It's all over, these...things are bringing out their lasers and destroying all that lies in their path.

This must be the end, folks! Forty million tons of sound light and stage equipment battling to seize control of the planet Earth! So we return you to Paradise ballroom where Bob Brown and his orchestra...

O. Welle Gonzo's Mill New Jersey

(We now return your letter to the organic processes from which its component parts originated.—Ed.)

POUGHKEEPSIE COMMENTS TO YOURSELF

Dear Tom Petty: When are you gonna break down and give it to me?

Love,

An American Girl Poughkeepsie, NY

(Tom breaks down all the time because of sexstarved hussies like you. Hands off. —Ed.)

SPEAK, LIPS

I'd just like to welcome Gloria Stavers as your new editor-in-chief of the mail dept. A firm kick in the fat, soggy ass—WHUMP! I swear to God. Pointless little letters in the August issue about Cher, Nils Lofgren, even one from a touchy

coed defending poor Maurice Gibb's baldness —and barely a whimper from the Ed. Is this the CREEM I knew and loved? What happened, you guys start making money or something?! Watch out or I'm switching back to Field & Stream! Zat Flimp

Apathy In The U.S.A.

Wichita, KS

(How can you call us wimps when you send a letter in homosexual type?—Ed.)

WE REMAIN,

YOUR HUMBLE SERVANTS I'd like to really thank you for your definitive interview with David Bowie. I'm a truly devoted fan, and have collected for a year tons of pictures and articles on him, and most of them consist of the writers 5 minute questions!! But I feel you really captured HIS views, HIS emotions. I LOVED IT! Since I don't know him (HOW I WISH) I read to get to know him, and the pictures were really good, the two full color photos were really nice, not just the plain paper that spreads ink all over your fingers but color photos* Sometimes I think the biggest fault of most "rock" mags is that they forget about the greats (like Bowie) that haven't had pop-tunes of "LA-LAS" every four days! I go along with the essence of BOWIE'S interview: "It is quality, not quantity that counts". I'm glad you remembered. Let's see LOTS OF BOWIE!! THANX love on ya MV, Pittsburgh

(There does in fact exist a used Bowie lot located along a clandestine autobahn on the outskirts of Dresden. Keep a watch for transatlantic franchising.—Ed.)

SIC TRANSIT OSCAR WILDE My God, I don't believe it!!1 Wonders will never cease!!! I bought the issue containing the Tom Robinson article thinking "Oh my God, they'll insult him to death." But what's this! Not only was the article not laced with fag jokes, but you actually treated him as a human being!! Penny Valentine, I salute you!!! CREEM, I salute you!!! You didn't even have insulting picture captions!!! (But WHERE did you get that pic where they're...)

Glad To Be Gay even tho I'm not,

The Fury

Michigan, right by England (Not another word.—Ed.)

YOU ASKED FOR IT Please tell me how the rock group Pink Floyd got its name.

Sincerely,

Garry Last Harrisburg, PA

(They saw this pig-shaped balloon floating London circa 1953, and have been trying to talk it down ever since. Blame it on the squalid city water.—Ed.)

LITTLE SHALL LAUNDRY SERVICE Back in August, in an article called "My Life In Promo...", Rick Johnson said he had a pair of Freddie Mercury's discolored stage shorts. Does he still have them?

If he does and doesn't want them, tell him to bring them to me at Cobo Hall, Nov. 16,1978.

I'll be the one with a beer in one hand (Boy Howdy! of course) and CREEM in the other! Hey! Wait a sec...everyone drinks Boy Howdy! and reads CREEM, right?

Okay, I'll wear a ripped Stones t-shirt and fluorescent green jeans. Nope? Yeah, yer right, too common! Oh well, you think of somethin'.

Sincerely,

Mentally Unstable,

M.J.

Almont, MI

(How 'bout a brown paper bag?—Ed.)

GAY RIGHTS

Are the two guys on the right side of the picture (taken by Joseph Stevens) in the lower left hand corner of page 20 in the "Rock'n'Roll" section of CREEM America's only Rock'n'Roll Magazine, Vol 10,#3, August 1978, gay?

Unicorns

V.M.

Grubville, In.

P.S. Hey, Alice Cooper (ya oP fart), / care about saving trees-but then again, I don't sing about it.

(Gay? Naw. Merely Carnivorious Buttockflies. Say, aren't you being sought out by The Irish Rovers?—Ed.)

BUBBLING UNDER THE BORSCHT

Am my name Stanislaw Czyghwycxz, am fan of the rock music and the magazine of CREEM. Me, Stanislaw, am truly lithuanian [sic passim] citizen here but soon going home to the homeland of lithuania and wish the american custom of the well known pen pal to happening to me. Please. (Also will exchange pix of lithuania's stars for those of FAB america rockers barry white manilow and ted altman or bill nugent!) Also with the famouse offers of sex and/or money CREEM and of expecially the boy howdy! is also famouse for now of course, you bet!!!

I have read all of Miwa's back issues at this time and have not learned much hep cat lingo yet, though lithuania is not far away.

Could maybe Stanislaw be big star writer like the robot hull (america has much technology not yet heard from in lithuania, is why I, Stanislaw, am here, you bet!) I beg you Mr. Ed., do not fail in the print of this letter! Big world incident, severing of international relations of the lithuanian lane]!!! Watch out! You bet! Send money U.S. dollar american now please and free subscription and descriptions from willing diplomatic all american rock 'n' roll fan girls to me now, you bet!!!

Sincerely,

Miwa Joh's old boyfirend,

Stanislaw Czyghwycxz

Washington, D.C.

P.S. I am either robot a. hull or lester bangs, can i please have a raise. I need the money for my sainted 86 yr. old mother, she needs an abortion, pronto, or she'll have to drop out of the eighth grade.

(Am maybe too quaalude for to comply with the quizzical?—Ed.)

WHAT CAN A POE BOY DO?

You may not know this but, I'm holding Led Zepplin (sic) for ransom. They're writing a song about my raven friend. If you ever want to see them alive again, leave $200,000 and 50 pounds of bird seed at the corner of First and Main under a Hare Krishna Santa Claus in the city of Hogwash, Texas.

But seriously folks, you think I'm dead. I am sorta, but, I had myself cloned before I died, and secretly I've been writing lyrics for the Ramones. I think your magazine sucks for one reason, well, not really your magazine but for the Mongoloid pug-muts doughnut hole eater with Peptobismol breath and .015 IQ. no taste, and must have been fucked up when he wrote the review and only gave Cheap Trick a B+, be-

cause Cheap Trick is a hell of alot better than the butt licked light socket fucker who wrote the review. If there's anybody there who like my creepy stories and weird poems, and Ramones lyrics I am residing at P.O. Box 409 Rathdrum, Idaho. I appreciate donations.

I am sendig of a picture of my fifth clone self. Had a little trouble with the jerk offs who took the picture when I just got out of the shower, and their smart ass humor about the aborigine bubble gum cards.

Courterly yours,

Edgar Allen Poe

P.S. If you want a trascript of my famous novel "Obscene Phone Calls for Tongue-Tied Twits." Write the above address.

P.P.S. I think your magazine is pretty cool and to get better readers and circualtion you should but dirty pictures in it and have a cross between Mad and Playboy.

P.P.P.S. My sister wrote this letter because right now I'm smoking watermelon rinds and I'm completely out of it. Just like all times Eh? (Morphine than a barrel of Mickey Dolenz.— Ed.)

AVE CORTINA

Alright, I hate to say this BUT... if you don't print this letter, like my previous ones, I will be forced to sell all my back issues as toilet paper. I have to get a few things off my chest (which is quite well proportioned).

First. Ian Dury is wicked as hell. The dude is very excellent and I love everything from his New Boots and Panties to his plastic leg. Yeah, he is one wicked dude. Second. I just thought I'd tell you that I am woman (sorry guys, this isn't the first lyrical line from Helen Reddy's probutch anthem) and my greatest fantasy (other than having Ted Nugent, Robert Plant, Sirius Trixon or Dee Dee Ramone ball the socks off of me) would be to sing "I Need Lunch'' at a Dead Boys concert. Yeah. But of course since I'm not a Lessie I would have to say "Boy, I just wanna get in your pants." But the biggest blow of all (pardon the pun) would be to scream "Feed Me!" just like Stiv. You dudes have connections, why don't ya talk to him. Tell him I said "come on Stiv baby, I'll give you whatever you want. Just FEED ME. And I don't mean Hostess Twinkees either." If he wants to know just what I wanta be fed, look at the first song on side two of Young, Loud, And Snotty. That's right! Caught with the meat in your mouth. Wow. I'm getting a little off track. Back to getting stuff off my chest that doesn't belong there. Third. Disco sucks. Where is. David Berkowitz when you need him? Forth. Is it true that Micky Lips Jagger has an illegitimate oreo offspring? Where was Bianca when he needed her? Enough of this crap.

Finally, I'd like to say Ted Nugent is God. Yes, all you born again Christian suckers. Ted is God. Hail Ted, Blessed art thou amongst women. Oh yeah!

From

Czar,

The Ultimate Chick Of Action

Trenton, NJ

(The Ecumenical Council would like to have a few words with you.—Ed.)

DEJA VU TO YOU, TOO

I remember back in Dec. 1975 you ran an interview with David Bowie from the set of The Man Who Fell To Earth with Bowie on the cover. A Stones tour was underway and there was an article about them, too. Now in Sept. 1978 you run an interview with David Bowie from the set of Just A Gigolo with Bowie on the cover. The latest Stones tour is underway with an article about them...again. Some things never change I guess. In 1981, Bowie will be on the cover of CREEM, directing his latest movie, while the Stones will be in wheelchairs on stage during their newest tour.

Signed,

La Rebel

Penn Valley, PA

P.S. I hope someone appreciates my insight and stops the whole damn thing before it's too late.

(Sorry, ive don't recognize people who only buy one issue every Leap Year.—Ed.)

WHAT DOES BUZZ OFF MEAN?

I am a mad and dedicated Shaun Cassidy fan. I read in your mag that Patti Smith says that Shaun doesn't belong in rock 'n' roll! Who does she think she is? Shaun has contributed just as much as she has! She had no right to hurt him like that. Who does she think she is? God?

In your Sept, issue, one of your readers said that Shaun should be shot. Well reader, you should be! What has Shaun done to deserve all those putdowns? Also one of your reporters wrote an article about Shaun and he wrote that he was sticking his lips all over the TV set. He's probably just jealous of Shaun!

In your 1977 poll, Shaun was rated most pathetic and no. 7 punk rocker. That's a bunch of lies! What does pathetic mean? In case you don't know, it means: subject to suffering. What's he suffering from? Also he is hot a punk rocker! He's got good music, not at all punk!!!

In the future, try thinking of us Shaun fans before you start putting him (and us indirectly) down. He's human, he's got feelings too! Try thinking of him too! If you have to put someone down, do it open-minded (sic), not one sided! If your readers don't like what I said, too bad! I want Shaun to know that at least one of his fans has enough guts to say something about injustices!

A 4-ever Shaun Fan!!!

S.H.

Santa Ana, Ca

RUMOR CONTROL CENTER

Are the Stranglers really messing around with Jim Morrison's wife? Ya know the Troggs are back now, and with beer bellies. But how about an article after Christmas about this band the Urban Verbs from Washington, D.C. The singer's brother is the drummer for Talking Heads, but they're good anyway. Call the Atlantis 202-393-0730...find out.

Hey who's this Jagger kid anyway? Could he be the next Johnny Rotten? Or is his partner the star of that new movie...The Omen of Toronto or is it Sgt. Jagger's Lonely Hearts Club Bust? Or Saturday Night Head Cold? Speaking of Saturday Night why don't you morons ever print the words to "Rock 'n' Roll Love Letter" by the Bay City Rollers? But I'd really like to know the words to "I Don't Care" (I know the Ramones). If Dee Dee shows up barefoot on the next album does that mean he's dead?

More Clash articles...

Love, Mark Casner

Washington, D.C.

P.S. If you don't print this I'll kill myself and send a duplicate of this letter to the F.B.I. (and maybe E.M.I. too).

(To quote Mr. Jagger: "sounds like something you'd read in CREEM."—Ed.)

WHAT'S A PUBERTY?

Things have been getting pretty bad at my house lately and it's all your fault. You see, my

older sister used to sit around the house and not do much of anything, but lately she's changed! Now she plays strange records real loud and acts weird. Sometimes I've heard her singing to herself abut wanting to be a dead boy!

I found a stack of your magazines in her room and I read them. I was appalled! I'd get a spanking if I talked like that. And you didn't have a single article on Donny Osmond. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Please turn my sister back into the boring, predictable person she was. I mean, she won't let me play my new Saturday Night Fever album! She threatened to break it! All I ever hear anymore are those groups with nasty names because she is the only one in our family with a stereo.

Please hurry! Yesterday she was talking about buying a guitar!

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Lezlie

Dallas, TX

P.S. What's a sex pistol?

(Why? Is Debbie hairy?—Ed.)

SUPPOSI—STORY

I am a really big Velvet Underground fan and I have got all of their two albums. But recently my friend Caroline said that Lou Reed has been dead for five years of an overdose of anal nitrate suppositories. Is this true? Say it isn't so! If it is, I'll just die, I'll just die. Do you think that the rest of the Velvets would still do the show next weekend at the Fillmore? I hope so because I just bought a front row ticket for $35 the other night from my friend Sally. Please answer, I only have a week's supply of Thorazine left!

Waiting for my man,

Marsha Jeffers,

Locust, Pennsylvania

P.S. My sister Ray told me last night that Lou is still alive and has just released a solo single in Denmark,recorded in Berlin by the Wall, backed by Kraftwerk, with a guitar solo by Syd Barrett and produced by Eno with English subtitles by Nico, and entitled "Bangs! Bangs! I Finally Shot the Asshole (But I Did Not Kill Lisa Robinson)," on Deutsch Grammophon. That's the B side, the A side is blank. But when I went down to the local Peaches and checked for it in the import rack, I could only find the new Dave Clark Five EP and a bunch of crazy records by these kids with green hair and safety pins thru their eye lids! Do you think that Lou could have made this record under an alias? Could he be this David Bowie dude that I keep hearing about? Or is this all just some concept art project that Andy Warhol is up to?

(Could be a record Lou made under David Bowie, conceiving Andy Warhol.—Ed.)

CREEPING SOCIALISM IN THE MIDWEST

What does a person from Danville, VA (Sept. '78 letter) know about Detroit? Some of the best bands in the world come from Detroit. So what gives this guy from VA the right to tell us The Pigs are disgusting? If some people would wake up they.would find out that Detroit is still the Motor City and the rock 'n' roll capital of the world. We are proud to be from Detroit and wish other cities would have the guts to stand up and get back to good rock 'n' roll such as bands from Detroit like the Pigs, Mutants, Cynicyde, Romantics and The Plugs.

Don't knock Detroit, at least we haven't sold out to disco and never will.

P.C.

Detroit, MI MAIL CONTINUED FROM PAGE 13 COMRADE COMMUNIQUE Just now I want tell you magazine is ultimate Dueska! I am Russian defector since 1976 when first I see magazine while on tour with Kirov

TURN TO PAGE 72

CONITINUED FROM PAGE 13

bone of her finely poised

Ballet. Russia

but Dima thinks

skinny ballerina, please put