Baby-sitting with the RAMONES: Will the kids be alright?

She said she's babysittin' tonite

She said come over, it's alright. . .*

My little brother is two years old and his favorite record is The Ramones. I babysit for him a lot and he makes me play it over and over again. He knows the words to "Blitzkrieg Bop," "I Don't Wanna Go Down To The Basement," "Havana Affair" and "Loudmouth." He finishes Joey's words for him. When Dee Dee sings on "53rd and 3rd," he yells "Dee Dee! Dee Dee!"

My little brother never met Dee Dee. He met Joey though, and I think he was scared. Joey was so big, his hair was so long and black, and he had those funny little round glasses. He'd never seen anyone quite like that before. Joey turned out to be okay, though. Joey walked him to the ice cream store and got him a cone.

Everyone stares at Joey on the street. Walking down the street with Joey Ramone is like having a pet giraffe and taking it to Gem Spa with you to buy the latest copy of Zoo World. Joey is one of the most unique lead singers ever to come out of rock 'n' roll. Think about it; he comes from Forest Hills and has a Cockney accent. He's taller than anybody and weighs less than anyone at the same time. He always smiles and never lies, but makes up great stories about people getting hit by buses, girls turning into vegetables, and giant cockroaches breaking through walls. Joey sleeps in his leather jacket. He has a plastic bug zoo. Once he made me and Dee Dee catch a huge waterbug for him and he fed it bread untiljt died a few days later, then he kept it anyway. Who else do you know that thinks Herman's Hermits were the best group of all time?

Joey is like a child. All the Ramones are children, which is why their music is so childlike. And wonderful. Which is why my littld brother loves it. I have a theory about the Ramones' music, about why it's so great even though Tommy, Johnny and Dee Dee are no technical virtuosos. Joey isn't debonair, and to a lot of people their songs sound alike. The theory physical. If you love rock 'n' roll, a large part of the reason is always physical. You're thrown into the beat, taken over by it; sort of bodily brainwashed.

Picture Dee Dee Ramone in uniform, behind a desk, interrogating a political prisoner, brainwashing him. Picture Tommy and Johnny standing guard on either side. Dee Dee is shouting "1-2-3-4!" over and over again at the prisoner, his face gnarling into more of a knot as the minutes tick by. Tommy is at attention with a set of drumsticks hanging from his belt. Johnny's guitar is strapped menacingly across his shoulder . . .

Joey is nowhere around. He's up in a dingy attic somewhere with a shitty old record player, hundreds of scratched LP's strewn in a mess at his, feet. He's playing song after song like some demented reclusive disc jockey, just listening and thinking. He hasn't showered or changed his clothes for days. Half-eaten bowls of cornflakes and old cups of coffee turn sour on the window sill. Joey notices nothing. After a while he tires of the sound of everyone else's music, so he picks up his twostring acoustic guitar and writes a song:

There ain't nothin' to do Just gotta have somethin' ta do Oh-o-o-o-o-ohhhhhhhhh Nothin' but you-o-o*

The Ramones have lots of great songs you've never heard unless you've seen them. There's "Swallow My Pride," "Commando," "Carbona Hot Glue," and the latest, "Suzy Is A Headbanger." The lyrics are sometimes serious, sometimes hysterically funny. The music is all variations of the Ramones sound: SUPER FAST SPEED POP. It's pleasurable brainwashing.. You must forget everything else when you hear the Ramones. They COMMAND you to listen, demand you to react. . . either with hate (which many do) or with sensual abandon (which many do also). Wherever they go a handful of fanatic fans always follow.

A 250-pound cherub named Jenny followed them all over California during their recent tour there. She says they changed her life. She sends each one of them a letter every day. In Asbury Park I saw this fat chick with stretch pants and rollers try to pick them up one by one outside the club where they were playing. When she got inside to Dee Dee, he flashed a look of horror at everyone and ran inside. They couldn't wait to be stars so all the girls would come around . . . now they're not so sure . . .

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Arturo, the Ramones resident artist/ lighting director, gave Joey a personalized baseball bat for his birthday. Joey pretends to chase his friends with it. Dee Dee chases bums on the Bowery with it. Arturo also makes custom Tshirts for them. (When you wear the same thing all the time, it's nice to have those special little touches.) When the Ramones went to London, whjere they were a big hit (their record has been number one on the import list for weeks there), Arturo made Dee Dee a T-shirt with Prince Charles on the front. While he was there Dee Dee beat up Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols and got a tattoo that says "MOTHER" on a heart dripping blood. He had just had a fight with her before they left the States. They're very close.

Arturo made Joey a Carbona T-shirt. Joey came back with Gary Glitter's Greatest Hits album.

At C.B.G.B.'s last weekend they broke all records for attendance when they played. Bryan Ferry and Kiss even came to see them. The Ramones still do the club circuit and they hate it. But the money's good, the fan club builds, and more records selk They're even on salaries now. Joey can't wait till he can buy a jukebox and a color TV. My little brother'll really like him then.

*Bleu Disque/Taco Tunes