YES VIRGINIA...

YES VIRGINIA...

Extra Creem, throughout the year, has tried to bring you the best in interviews. We’ve picked Detroit personalities with interesting jobs or backgrounds and made them the Creem Cheese of the month in an effort to bring them to you, our readers. Well, this time we’ve outdone ourselves. 'Extra Creem is fortunate enough to have obtained an interview with Santa. The whole event was conducted with the utmost secrecy.

Our writer was.blindfolded on the way to the interview and since he had to drive there alone, the experience was ex tremely difficult. The same precaution was observed with our photographer, but fortunately, he’s accustomed to shooting pictures while blindfolded (see issues 1 thru 12). The person who recorded the event was blinded after the material was transcribed and then put to death. But the price was a small one to pay in relation to the sub ject matter. So, here it is, nosnawballs-barred: getting down with Mr. C.

Extra: Well Santa, we can’t tell you what a thrill it is to have this opportunity to talk with you.

Claus: “Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, somewhere over the rainbow, why oh why,”, oh, pardon me, yes, well it’s a pleasure to have you here. By the way did you recognize that song?

Extra: Wasn’t that Judy Garland’s “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”?

Claus: Yeah, I’m surprised you recognized it. That old drunk could sure sing, couldn’t she? Well, I’m sure you have some questions.

Extra: Yes Santa. May we call you Santa? Claus: Sure, would you like to sit on my lap, would that make you feel more comfortable? Here, you wanta play with my dog? His eyes move:

Extra: No, that’s all right. Santa, how do you explain the myth that surrounds your existence.

Claus: Myth, shit. What myth. I’m here ain’t I? Pinch me, do not snowflakes appear? You mean just ’cause your readers don’t believe f exist.

Extra: You must admit, the existence of Santa Claus is fairly absurd.

Claus: Absurd. Christ kid — whoops — I mean, ah, it’s not absurd. The problem is that only really intelligent people acknowledge my existence. Them and kids under six. Hey, do you like John Wayne? I think he’s a hell of an actor. I always hoped that they’d make a movie about me and cast him as the lead. I think he’s quite a man. Anyhow, you take Einstein for example. He believed in me. I know, I know, he’s Jewish, makes no diference. He believed. I really took care of him too. asn’t that a hell of a

gift?

Extra: Are you referring to e atomic bomb?

Claus: Crazy, wasn’t it? Say, you guys got any free records over at your place? Any concert passes? Boy, I could use some records.

Extra: I’ll see what we can do. What about the sleigh and the reindeer and the chimneys, any fact in that?

Claus: You’re a regular nihilist, ain’t ya, kid? The sleigh I stopped using in ’56, or maybe ’57, I’m not sure. But the reindeer never pulled the sleigh, now that’s a total misconception. They always pushed it, from behind. I just never had the patience to line ’em up and put on the reins. But after ’57 I started using UPS, sometimes Emery Air Freight. As far as the chimneys, well, in the beginning we went down the chimneys. But that proved to be too difficult — after that we just punched great big holes in the roof and threw all the stuff down to the floor. Ha, I remember one time, I think it was in Jersey, we punched a hole in this guy’s roof, well, he and his old lady, ha ha, well, after that we just stopped altogether.

Extra: What about your ability to know if people have been bad or good? Claus: That’s easy. Initially, I’d hold a red-hot knife on their tongues and if they got burned, I knew that they’d been bad. It was easy. But times change, now I just guess. What’s the difference, I’m usually right. If they’re really bad, I just leave a dead dog or something.

Extra: Well, Santa you’re really dispelling a lot of myths.

Claus: I told you there were no myths. Listen, we do our best. It’s a job. Hey, try this one, “So set ’em up Joe, I got a little story for you, you oughtta know...”

Extra: “One For My Baby and One More For the Road.”

Claus: You’re really good. I like that one a lot, Frankie does that one. He believes in me.

Extra: What did you give him?

Claus: Mia Farrow. That was before she had the scaly kid and ran off with that little guy. You win some, you lose some.

Extra: Is there any particular message you have for our readers during this holiday season?

Claus: Let’s see. Yeah, drive carefully and be kind to animals and don’t forget your overcoat when the wind blows free, take good — ya know that one. Extra: “Take good care of yourself, you belong to me.”

Claus: Smart, you’re really smart. Extra: Well, this has been a totally rewarding experience and I want to thank you for the chance to talk with you.

Claus: Sure, no problem. Do you have the Jaws sound track? That’s one of my favorites. Ya know the part where he gets the kid, the music goes “dum, dum, dum, dum, dum”. Scared the hell out of my wife.

Extra: I’ll see what we can do.

Claus: Have a merry Christmas, enjoy yourself and maybe I’ll see you around the twenty-fifth.

Extra: I certainly hope so.

Claus: Listen, can you leave a small light on?

Extra: Sure.

Claus: Good, I hate it when it’s dark. Hey, how about this one, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”... ^