THE NEXT BEST THING TO ALMOST BEING THERE

One of the things I always grouse about when some do-gooder cultural enthusiast drags me out to some damn rock'n'roll concert or another is the fact that I might be missing some good TV. But there's relief at last for those of us with so-called friends who lure us away from the warming gamma glow of our tubes — now there's the Tubes themselves in person.

While it may not exactly be the real thing, the Tubes have got enough of an emotional and narrative range — there's the "Rock'n' Roll Hospital, " the last moments of the dictatorship of Fee Dell, Dr. Strangekiss, and more — that most of us Trinitron truncated television junkies don't even know the difference. And one thing the Tubes do have ov&r the tube (not including cable, that is) is that they've got tits, and ass! You don't ever have to fret over the exact conf iguration of Re Styles' boobs, like you have to do with Mary Tyler Moore, cause they're hanging right out there. And you know what else? They don't have even half the commercials as real TV.

Anyway, you really have to see the Tubes to know vvhat I'm talking about. So here, take a look at these pix during the nextlongines Symphonette Society commercial, or even now, if you like; I'll tell you how the show ends so you don't miss anything: as you probably guessed the girl on the stand makes an hysterical confession and sobs mightily when Perry confronts her with the murder weapon. But wait! What if you turn off Perry Mason and it turns out they interrupt the show for the latest assassination...Decisions, decisions, eh?